Cruisein’! – Episode 101
Episode 101 – Insurrection
Borgelberg: So the project’s called Insurrection.
Cruise: Wow! Sounds great!
Borgelberg: I haven’t even explained it yet, Tom.
Cruise: Sorry, Kevin. Just very excited to begin a brand new project.
Borgelberg: Great. Well, it’s about a near-future dystopia.
Cruise: Love dystopias. Because they give my character an opportunity to turn them into utopias.
Borgelberg: Mmhmm. Right. So it’s a near-future dystopia where a despotic ruler–
Cruise: I’m booing the despotic ruler. That’s what the audience will do.
Borgelberg: Okay. A despotic leader rules with an iron fist and it’s up to one aircab driver–
Borgelberg: You. It’s up to one aircab driver to save the world and lead the rebellion that topples the despot’s regime.
Cruise: Wow, that sounds like one humdinger of a tale.
Borgelberg: Yeah, it’s actually not that bad. You wanna read it?
Cruise: No, I trust you. Now Kevin, is an aircab anything like a regular cab?
Borgelberg: (checking script) Uh, I believe it is a regular taxi cab that can fly through the air.
Cruise: Wow! The future!
Borgelberg: Yes, it’s all very exciting. So can I put you down as a yes for this?
Cruise: Absolutely. And Kevin, I was thinking I could maybe get a job as a cabbie to prepare for the role. Really find out what makes this rebellious cab driver tick.
Borgelberg: Sure, whatever. Now let’s talk incentives. If this shoot goes over by a day, I can guarantee you an extra twelve million dollars. So let’s find a really unreliable director and– (looks up at empty office) Where’d he go?
(At the offices of Hollywood Cabs on Pico…)
Cruise: (holding a classifieds) Hi! I’m here for the driver position.
(An obese woman, not looking up from her Vogue…)
Yoquanda: You got any driving experience?
Cruise: I was in Days of Thunder.
Yoquanda: Never heard of that company. Fill out this form and meet Ernie in the garage.
Cruise: Great! I love filling out forms. It’s like a test for your brain.
Yoquanda: (muttering) This boy trippin’.
(In the garage, Tom meets an older cabbie named…)
Ernie: Ernie Maxwell.
Cruise: (shaking Ernie’s hand) Tom Cruise. Real pleasure, Ernie.
Ernie: Ain’t you that actor? The white boy in Jerry Maguire.
Cruise: Yeah! That was me! Did you enjoy that film?
Ernie: Never seen it. I’m more of a book guy. Was there a book version?
Cruise: Oh gosh, I dunno.
Ernie: What you doin’ here if you some big Hollywood actor?
Cruise: I’m doing research for a role. Thought if I drove a cab around for a couple weeks I’d really get a feel for what it’s like to be a cabbie.
Ernie: You wanna learn what it’s like to be a cabbie, you gon’ need a lot more than two weeks. Bein’ a cabbie takes a lifetime of experience.
Cruise: Oh, I’m gonna have to tell Kevin I’ll need more time.
(Tom is sitting in the passenger’s seat as Ernie drives…)
Ernie: Now the first lesson in bein’ a good cabbie: Know where the money is. You don’t wanna waste all day drivin’ Joe Businessman a block here and a block there. You need to find the big fish. And in this town, they at the airport. There’s always some foreigner or out-of-towner that need a ride out the airport. So you gotta know your way around LAX. You ever been to LAX?
Cruise: (shakes his head) I have my own private airport.
Ernie: I bet you have your own private everything.
(Tom slaps Ernie hard on the back and the cab veers into oncoming traffic for just a moment before Ernie corrects it…)
Cruise: Ernie, you’re hilarious!
Ernie: I wasn’t jokin’. (pointing up ahead) Now here we go: French.
Cruise: How do you know they’re French?
Ernie: C’mon now, look at ’em. Look’t how French they is. If they was anymore French, they’d be bread.
Cruise: Well you’ve got a point there, Ernie.
(The cab pulls up and two Frenchmen and a woman pile into the backseat…)
Ernie: (into the rearview mirror) Where to, parlez-vous?
Cruise: Oh, Ernie! You’re so worldly.
Frenchman: Au baw baw, baw baw baww.
Ernie: Aw man, I don’t know what these fools is sayin’.
Cruise: (turning to the backseat with a grin) Au baw baw, au baw?
(The French people beam…)
Frenchman: Au baw baw baw?
Cruise: Au baw! Baw baw baw.
Frenchman: Au baw baw. ‘Owdoyousay, Risky Business?
Cruise: Oui! Oui! Au baw baw!
Frenchman: Au baw!
Ernie: I didn’t know you could speak French.
Cruise: Picked it up in Paris when we were filming Interview With The Vampire.
Ernie: So what’d they say? Where they wanna go?
Cruise: Oh, I’m not sure. But they loved me in Risky Business!
(The French tourists wave as Ernie pulls out of the hotel parking lot…)
Cruise: (waving out the window) Bye now! Take care! Au revoir!
Ernie: I think you startin’ to get the hang of this, Cruise. Those frogs left us a helluva tip.
Cruise: You keep it, Ernie. I’m not in this for the money. I’m in it for the experience. When you see me up on that silver screen next summer, you’re gonna say to yourself, “Now that’s a cabbie.”
Ernie: Well, I hope so. Why don’t you tell me about this movie of yours, Tom.
Cruise: I’d love to! You see, it all starts in the future…
(One hour and zero customers later…)
Cruise: And then I save the world, I think.
Ernie: Well, that certainly sounds…interesting.
Cruise: With your tutelage, it’s gonna be extra interesting.
Cruise: Now when am I gonna get to drive this puppy?
Ernie: (pulls over, smiles) Let’s see what you got, Hollywood.
(The cab is wrapped around a palm tree and smoldering as Tom and Ernie look on…)
Cruise: I’m really sorry about this, Ernie. I’m gonna pay for all the damages. That chipmunk just shouldn’t have run into the street like that.
Ernie: We was on the sidewalk.
Cruise: Again, I’m really sorry.
Ernie: (removes cap, scratches balding head) We gon’ need a lot more work.
(In super-agent Kevin Borgelberg’s office…)
Borgelberg: Tommy boy! Where’d you run off to?
Cruise: I’m down here at Hollywood Cabs. Kevin, I’m gonna need a little more time than I previously thought.
Borgelberg: Wait. You really got a job as a cab driver? I thought you were joking. I’ll be sure to get a publicist and a photographer down there first thing tomorrow morning. How much more time do you need? A day? Two days?
Cruise: A month.
Borgelberg: A MONTH! Tommy, this film starts shooting in two weeks. I need you to wrap up this little cabbie fantasy of yours quick.
Cruise: Gonna need at least another month, Kev. Ernie says so. Gotta go buy a new cab now. Bye!
(Kevin Borgelberg sits listening to the dial tone for a moment…)
Borgelberg: Who the hell is Ernie?