Three Assholes – Episode 112
Nate, Mike & Keith are childhood Maine friends. They’re also assholes.
Episode 112 – Flu And Blue
Nate: (vomits up phlegm) Ughhh.
(There’s a knock at the door to Nate’s Veazie apartment, before Mike and Keith finally kick it in. They find Nate keeled over his bed, drenched in sweat…)
Keith: Nate, we were knocking at your door for nearly ten seconds. What’s going on here? Get out of bed, lazy bones.
Nate: I don’t feel so good. Think I’ve got a cold.
Mike: That’s all? We’ve got a cure for that.
Nate: Pretty sure you don’t. Ever heard of the phrase, “Cure for the common cold”?
Keith: That’s just an old wives’ tale. We’ve got a surefire cure. But you won’t hear that from our friends at the FDA.
Nate: How’s that?
Mike: Well, the ingredients are a little…illegal.
Nate: Whatever. I’ll try anything. I can’t afford to miss another day of work.
Keith: Oh, and sorry about your door.
Nate: What happened to my door?
Keith: Haha nothing, bub.
(Mike and Keith are bustling around Nate’s kitchen in lab coats with pots bubbling as Nate staggers to the couch…)
Nate: Where’d you guys get those lab coats?
Mike: Now Nate, we’re gonna need to know if your family has a history of heart conditions.
Nate: I don’t think so. Hey, did you guys kick my door in?
Keith: That was like that when we got here.
Mike: Drink this.
(Mike hands Nate a beaker of bubbly green liquid…)
Nate: What is it?
Mike: Go ahead. Drink up.
Nate: What’s in it, though?
Nate: I need to know what’s in this. I might be allergic.
Keith: (grabs the beaker) Bottoms up!
(Mike holds Nate down while Keith forces the drink down his throat…)
Nate: (coughs, sputters) You sons of bitches! What was…..whoa.
Keith: Just relax, bub. Let the medicine take you away.
Nate: (groggily trying to keep his eyes open) You guys are…assho…
(Nate wakes up on a sandy street under the hot sun. He sees Mike and Keith nearby in turbans…)
Nate: Where am I? Why are you wearing turbans? Where are your lab coats?
Keith: Whoa, that’s a lot of questions for an Iranian arms dealer.
Mike: Do you have the enriched uranium?
Nate: How did we get to Iran?
Mike: Do you have the uranium, or not?
Nate: What uranium?
Keith: You’re gonna wanna give my buddy al-Mike the uranium, bub. He was in the Army.
Nate: Yeah, I know. He went AWOL.
Keith: (chortles) AWOL? From the Iranian Revolutionary Guard? I don’t think so, crazy bones.
Mike: Going AWOL from Iranian Army is grounds for beheading.
Keith: They’ll cut your head clean off. I’ve seen it.
Nate: I don’t really know what’s happening right now. You guys gave me something.
Keith: Yeah. We gave you three million dollars for a vial of enriched uranium so we can blow shit up, Iran-style. And all you’re givin’ us in return is the old runaround.
Mike: al-Mike does not like runaround.
Keith: See? Now you’ve got him speaking in third person. You see what you’ve done?
Nate: Is three million even a good price for enriched uranium?
Keith: Seems reasonable to me. Now hand it over, chump.
Nate: Hold on, I’ve gotta think. Last thing I remember, I was in my apartment in Veazie.
Mike: What is this “Veazie” you speak of?
Nate: It’s in Maine. In the US, where we live.
Keith: (whispering to al-Mike) Sounds like somebody had a little too much Iranian wine last night.
Mike: (Iranian chuckles)
Keith: (Iranian chortles) Oh, Iranian us.
(The three men are suddenly surrounded by a squadron of Navy SEALs…)
SEAL Captain: On the ground!
Nate: Yes! Americans! Please help. I’ve been kidnapped and transported to Iran, I think.
SEAL Captain: (chuckling) Nice try, buddy. We’ve been tracking you fellas for weeks. You’re coming with us.
Keith: Iranian dammit!
(In a basement holding cell in the desert, Nate is tied to a chair and being beaten with a rubber hose…)
CIA Agent #1: Where is the uranium?
Nate: Ow! I dunno! Are you literally beating me with a rubber hose?
CIA Agent #1: Enough of your Iranian mumbo-jumbo! Speak English! Where is the uranium?
Nate: I am speaking English! And I don’t know!
CIA Agent #2: Maybe the uranium’s inside him.
CIA Agent #1: You’re right. We better cut him open.
(Nate wakes up in a pile of snow in nothing but his briefs and feels a sharp pain in his stomach. He looks down to see a raccoon gnawing on his belly. He shivers violently as he smacks the raccoon…)
Raccoon: (hisses, scurries)
Nate: (passes back out)
(Nate wakes up in a hospital bed that evening with Keith and Mike by his side…)
Nate: Where am I now? Back in Iran?
Keith: No, buddy. You’re in EMMC in Bangor. You got pneumonia.
Nate: That’s worse than a cold, right?
Mike: There were complications with your treatment.
Keith: You ran outside in your underwear, yelling something about uranium.
Nate: What did you give me, anyway?
Keith: A concentrated dose of LSD and PCP.
Mike: We call it LSDCP. Usually does the trick whenever we get the sniffles.
Keith: Also, the doctor said you’re gonna have to lose a couple toes due to frostbite; and that raccoon definitely had rabies.
Nate: (turns up opiate drip) You guys are assholes.
Keith: (pats Nate on the head as he fades away) We all are, buddy. We all are.