Totally Radical Sportz!

Three Assholes – Episode 111

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 01/09/2012

Nate, Mike & Keith are childhood Maine friends. They’re also assholes.

Episode 111 – Black Sunshine

Keith:  Ooh! The mascot should be a monkey! Because monkeys are awesome.

Jimmy:  Okay. So you want me to draw a monkey on the label as well? I’ve already got a lightning bolt and an electric guitar.

Keith:  Nah. Better leave it at that or it’ll look too busy. But draw some monkeys for me for personal use.

Mike:  We are going to be so rich.

(Nate enters Mike’s trailer at Chickadee Trailer Park to find Mike, Keith and high school junior Jimmy Pogaletti laying on the floor, drawing…)

Nate:  How are we going to be “so rich”?

Keith:  (jumps up and pats Nate on the back)  From Black Sunshine!

Nate:  Our severely alcoholic personal concoction?

Mike:  Keith had the bright idea that we go public.

Nate:  Selling an alcoholic beverage is serious business, you guys. It’s not just three guys in a trailer park.

Keith:  Well four, now.

Nate:  You need a marketing department, manufacturing plant, FDA approval, bottlers…

Keith:  Way ahead of ya, bud.

(Mike shoves a mason jar full of dark black liquid in Nate’s face…)

Mike:  Boom!

Keith:  We fill a mason jar with Black Sunshine, slap a fancy label on it illustrated by Jimmy here and bang! Profit!

Nate:  I thought you and Jimmy were mortal enemies.

Keith:  Nah, we patched things up. Plus we’re paying him in Black Sunshine, so he’s got a pretty good buzz going.

Jimmy:  And I thought it was pretty cool how Keith burned our school down.

Keith:  Allegedly!

Nate:  I still think we need to worry about the FDA. There is a substantial amount of gasoline in the Black Sunshine recipe.

Keith:  (covers Jimmy’s ears)  Shh! Top secret recipe!

Mike:  The FDA can wait, Nate. Right now we’ve got to worry about distribution. We have three representatives of large companies coming to hear us pitch Black Sunshine. We even produced a commercial and a small ad campaign to get the buzz going. My girl Minnie is going to be the new face of Black Sunshine.

Keith:  I still think a monkey would be cooler. Spokesmonkey!

Mike:  Check out this poster.

(Mike unfurls a poster and Nate sees Minnie in a bikini, holding a jar of Black Sunshine accompanied by the slogan…)

Keith:  Pour It On Your Face!

Nate:  (blank stare)

Keith:  Huh? Huh?

Nate:  (pointing at the poster)  Is that a C-section scar?

Mike:  Easy, Nate. She’s very sensitive about that scar.

Nate:  Well, what does she do at work? Does she leave that one section of her stomach un-stripped?

Mike:  If you must know, she wears a series of well-placed pasties.

Keith:  We’re getting off topic here. Before we meet with the distributors, I’ve got another great way to spread the word about Black Sunshine.

Jimmy:  (shaking empty mason jar)  Can I get paid again?  (hiccups)

~~~

(Returning from the town’s water reservoir, Mike, Nate and Keith meet three men in suits waiting for them in Veazie Town Park…)

Keith:  Gentlemen, I’d like to introduce you to Perry O’Brien of Guinness, Thomas Rathmon of R.J. Reynolds and Chuck Madison of Nabisco.

Nate:  (frowns)  Nabisco?

Madison:  (thick Bronx accent)  You got a problem with Nabisco?

Nate:  No, sir.

Madison:  Didn’t think so.

Keith:  Gentlemen, I’m not gonna bore you with a sales pitch. I believe Black Sunshine sells itself. Please enjoy a free sample while we watch this commercial advertisement.

(Mike goes over to a nearby water fountain and fills three plastic cups with Black Sunshine, while Keith queues up the video on Nate’s work laptop…)

Keith:  (voice-over)  After a hard day’s night eight days a week, all you need is…Black Sunshine.

(Minnie onscreen in her bikini pulls a lever and is immediately drenched in a thick black oily substance…)

Keith:  (voice-over)  Black Sunshine: Pour It On Your Face!

(The video ends and the three company representatives cringe as they try to choke down the drink…)

Rathmon:  Ugh. This is horrible.

O’Brien:  It’s really bloody awful. And that commercial had far too many Beatles lyrics in it. You’ll never be able to clear that.

Rathmon:  Did I see you get this dreck out of that public water fountain?

Mike:  Made in Veazie. Drank in Veazie.

Keith:  We rerouted some pipes at the town’s water reservoir. Now everybody in Veazie is getting drunk on Black Sunshine!

(A taxi barrels through the park and smashes into a tree. Smoke billows out of multiple locations across town and sirens sound…)

Rathmon:  Gentlemen, this…beverage is clearly nearly ninety percent gasoline. You’ve essentially poisoned your entire town.

Madison:  I’m pretty sure that’s some sorta federal offense.

Keith:  Shut up, Madison! We don’t want Nabisco’s money anyhow.

O’Brien:  I think we’ve heard enough. Gentlemen, shall we?

(The three suits turn to leave…)

Nate:  What if we were to slightly modify the gasoline content?

Keith:  (scowls)  Nate!

Mike:  Nate, how dare you.

~~~

(The three assholes are sitting on the curb outside Chickadee Trailer Park, drinking Black Sunshine and listening to the sirens getting closer…)

Mike:  Well, I guess it’s back to selling this stuff bootleg style like the old days.

Keith:  Least we got these cool labels now.

Nate:  (admiring his mason jar)  Yeah, that guitar’s pretty kickass. Good job, Jimmy.

Jimmy:  (passed out in road)

Keith:  Capitalism’s a crock of shit.  (hiccups)

Advertisements

Comments Off on Three Assholes – Episode 111

%d bloggers like this: