Totally Radical Sportz!

Three Assholes – Episode 110

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 01/06/2012

Nate, Mike & Keith are childhood Maine friends. They’re also assholes.

Episode 110 – Now Hit It

(Keith Kowalski rolls out of bed late in the morning and smiles at himself in the full-length mirror. He slips on a red track suit, pours on far too much cologne and tops it off with a Kangol hat…)

Keith:  Lookin’ sharp, Kowalski.

(Keith shuffles down the grand staircase as his mother hollers from the dining room…)

Mom:  Keith, honey! Breakfast is ready!

Keith:  No time, Ma. I got a hot date.

Mom:  But Keith, Pierre’s been cooking all morning.

Keith:  Sorry, Pierre.

Pierre:  Ees fine, sir.

Mom:  Now what’s this about a date? With whom?

Keith:  Minnie.

Mom:  The stripper?

Keith:  She’s an exotic dancer, mom.

Mom:  Isn’t she with that Miner fellow? The AWOL soldier?

Keith:  They’re on a break. And how many people have you told about that AWOL thing?

Mom:  Only Pierre.

Pierre:  Ees a disgrace.

Keith:  Shut up, Pierre!

Mom:  Keithaniel Dolliver Kowalski, you watch your tone!

Keith:  (head down)  Sorry, mom. Sorry, Pierre. Guess I can take a Belgian waffle for the road.

Pierre:  (hands Keith a waffle)

Keith:  (eats waffle with bare hand, glances up)  No mimosa?

Pierre:  (scowls)

~~~

(Keith shows up at Minnie’s place of business — Diva’s Gentleman’s Club — with Kangol hat in hand. Clem the towering bouncer meets him at the door…)

Clem:  We ain’t open, Kowalski.

Keith:  I know. I’m s’posed to pick Minnie up for our date.

Clem:  Hold on, I’ll see if she’s in.  (opens the door a crack, yells)  MINNIE!

Minnie:  (hollering back)  WHAT!

Clem:  KEITH’S HERE! HE’S DRESSED LIKE LL COOL J.

Keith:  (frowns)

Minnie:  K, HOLD ON! GOTTA PUT MY DIAPHRAGM BACK IN!

Keith:  Back?

Clem:  Ooh, sounds like somebody’s gettin’ lucky.

(The two men stand outside the Bangor strip club and wait…)

Keith:  So, how’s bouncin’?

Clem:  Pretty great. Kicked a guy’s face into the concrete last night. He lost a tooth.

Keith:  Awesome.

(Minnie comes out in a tiny miniskirt and revealing top…)

Minnie:  K. I’m ready.

Keith:  Whoa, Minnie. You look lovely.

Minnie:  Aw, thanks Keith. So where are you takin’ me on our date?

Keith:  (smiles, fishes out wallet)  Wherever these holiday gift cards’ hearts desire, my dear.

Minnie:  (grabs a gift card, frowns)  Bass Pro Shops?

Keith:  Maybe they have fish.

~~~

(Keith and Minnie are in a park eating baloney sandwiches and playing Battleship…)

Keith:  (incredulous)  You sunk my battleship, you bitch!

Minnie:  (sighs)  Is this the whole date?

Keith:  Well, no. We’re probably gonna have sex later, too. Isn’t it beautiful out today?

Minnie:  Keith, it’s seven degrees. I’m freezing.

Keith:  Wanna wear my coat?

Minnie:  You’re not wearing a coat.

Keith:  Wanna wear my Kangol hat?

Minnie:  I don’t think this is working.

Keith:  You know what warms people up? Sex-having.

Minnie:  Okay. Now I’m sure this isn’t working.

Keith:  …so, that’s a no.

Mike:  (wandering by with a shovel on his shoulder, drops it)  WHAT THE FUCK.

~~~

(Mike is swinging the shovel wildly over his head as Keith hides behind Minnie…)

Minnie:  Baby, this isn’t what it looks like!

Mike:  It looks like you’re on a date with my friend, Keith!

Keith:  (lowering Kangol hat over eyes)  I’m not Keith. I’m LL Cool J.

Mike:  You’re LL Dead J!

Keith:  Well, that doesn’t make any sense.

Nate:  (strolling by on his lunch break at the dam)  Hey, what’s going on in this park?

Minnie:  I was only going out with him to make you jealous.

Mike:  (swings shovel)

Minnie:  I just thought if you saw me with your rich friend you’d make more of an effort and stop taking me for granted.

Nate:  (chuckles)

Mike:  (grins)  Wait, hold up. Rich friend?

Minnie:  Yeah, filthy rich.

Mike:  We’re talking about Keith, right?

Minnie:  Yeah, the guy in the Kangol hat. His family’s loaded.

Keith:  (red-faced)  I don’t know what she’s talking about. Probably on that dust. Strippers like angel dust because it has the word ‘angel’ in it. Makes them feel pretty.

Mike:  Shut up, Keith. Minnie, Nate and I have grown up with this kid. If he came from wealth; believe me, we’d know. And he definitely wouldn’t dress like that.

Nate:  Actually, he probably would.

Mike:  The point is, Keith Kowalski is not rich. He’s our friend. He wouldn’t keep something like that from us. So if you were trying to make me jealous, you failed.

Minnie:  Then can you please stop swinging that shovel.

Mike:  (lowers shovel)

Minnie:  (checks text)  That’s Clem. I gotta get back to work for the lunch hour rush.

(Minnie scurries off and Keith holds his Kangol hat in his hands, head down…)

Keith:  Are you gonna punch me now?

Mike:  Nah, Keith. You just got caught up in one of Minnie’s mind games. She’s good at that stuff.

Keith:  (puts an arm around Mike as they leave the park)  Sorry about dating your stripper girlfriend, bud.

Mike:  Exotic dancer girlfriend. And it’s all good. I know you’d never do anything to purposefully hurt a friend. Let’s go back to my trailer park, torch some crack and watch Mr. Ed reruns.

Keith:  (smiles)  Yeah.

Nate:  Hey, Keith. Why don’t we ever hang at your place?

Keith:  (chortles)  Like I have a place!

(The three assholes guffaw as they traipse down the street…)

~~~

(At Kowalski Manor…)

Pierre:  (hollering)  Madame Kowalski! Help me! I am once again lost in your expansive mansion!

Mrs. Kowalski:  Well, where are you?

Pierre:  I believe I am in a portico!

Mrs. Kowalski:  Which portico?

Pierre:  Please send help! I am very cold!

One Response

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  1. Caelii said, on 05/14/2017 at 4:11 am

    I’m so glad that the inerntet allows free info like this!


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