Three Assholes – Episode 109
Nate, Mike & Keith are childhood Maine friends. They’re also assholes.
Episode 109 – Solomon Donkey
Sheriff Ford: Get back here, Kowalski!
Keith: No way, Sheriff!
(A shot fires over Keith’s head and he kicks his donkey into gear as they head toward a sandy dune outside of Freeport…)
Keith: C’mon, Solomon! C’mon, Sol! Let’s git!
(The Sheriff holds a hand up and his posse stops as they watch Keith and his donkey vanish over the horizon…)
Deputy Paul: Let’s git ’em, Sheriff!
Sheriff: No need, Deputy. He’s headin’ into the Desert of Maine. No man makes it out of there alive.
Deputy: I don’t think that’s true, Sheriff.
Officer Jones: Yeah Sheriff, it’s only a forty acre tract of land. I had a picnic with my family there last weekend.
Sheriff: Yeah well, he’s really dumb.
(Keith is riding his donkey over sand dunes, sipping on warm flat beer…)
Keith: Oh God, Sol. It’s so hot. I don’t think these beers are properly quenching my thirst. Sing a song to cool me down.
Keith: Oh, that’s right. You’re a donkey.
(Keith hears a moan coming from behind a nearby dune and points his donkey in that direction. As he reaches the dune, he finds a man laying prone on his stomach, severely sunburnt. Keith hops off Solomon and kicks the downed man…)
Keith: Hey, you. Desert’s not for sleepin’. This is how the Egyptians went extinct.
(Keith turns the man over and is shocked to find his good friend Nate Shoops…)
Keith: Oh my gosh! Nate!
(Keith pours the rest of the can of warm beer on Nate’s face and he sputters to life…)
Nate: Buh. Fuh. Wha?
Keith: Nate. It’s Keith Kowalski, your good friend and close confidante.
Nate: (squints up at the shadow blocking the sun) Where the fuck have you been?
Keith: There were complications.
Nate: You said it would be an easy bank robbery and we’d make our escape through the desert. That was four days ago. Explain. And gimme some of that beer, I’m thirsty.
Keith: Well, first of all: no, it’s mine. And secondly, like I said, complications.
Nate: (pulls a shotgun out from under him and points it at his good friend Keith) Give. Me. A beer.
Keith: (reluctantly tosses a can in the sand) Jeez, fine. You don’t have to be such a grump.
Nate: (cringes as he chugs the hot beer) Now what the heck happened back in Freeport?
Keith: Well, I told you about that bank teller I was going to seduce who was going to get me into the safe? Turns out she was also the Sheriff’s daughter, so I fucked up.
Nate: And it took four days for you to figure that out?
Keith: Well, I’m not Casanova!
Nate: I knew we should have had Mike play the seduction part.
Keith: Oh, please. That fat-ass couldn’t seduce his way out of a wet paper bag.
Nate: You make less and less sense every day.
Keith: Let’s get out of the heat. I think I’m getting sunstroke.
Nate: At least you haven’t been sleeping in a desert for four days!
Keith: Oh, boo hoo.
Nate: And I thought you were procuring us a getaway horse.
Keith: Donkey’s close enough. It’s like a retarded horse. Now hop on my ass, Nate.
(Nate climbs onto the back of Solomon the donkey as Keith chortles…)
Keith: Get it? Because donkeys?
(Nate hugs Keith’s waist as Solomon ambles across the Desert of Maine…)
Keith: I feel like such a cowboy right now.
Nate: Shut up.
Keith: We’re like the James Gang ripping across the Old West.
Nate: Shut up.
Keith: Let’s go wrassle up some varmints.
Nate: Shut up.
(Late that evening, Nate, Keith and Solomon arrive outside a diner west of Freeport…)
Keith: Looky there, pardner. A saloon!
Nate: If you call me ‘pardner’ one more time…
Keith: Let’s head in and see if they got any vittles.
(Keith ties his donkey to a post and he and Nate trudge into the diner, where they see Mike sitting at the counter and sit down on opposite sides of him…)
Keith: ‘Sup, Mike.
Mike: Where the hell have you two been? You know how many coffees I’ve had to order? I could piss steel right now. Whoa Nate, you look haggard.
(Nate dives into Mike’s half-finished soup…)
Mike: So? What happened?
Nate: (sucking on a ketchup packet) Complications.
Mike: So…no bank robbery?
Keith: Nope. And I’m pretty sure the Sheriff of Freeport is on my ass. The donkey made good time, though.
Mike: The donkey?
Keith: Yeah, Solomon. He rules.
Mike: Well, that’s disappointing. But not surprising. I think we got in over our heads with this whole bank robbing thing. That’s too big a score for us. We should stick to what we know.
Keith: (grins) Like saloon robbin’?
(Mike smiles as Nate falls asleep in his soup bowl. Mike and Keith kick over their stools and Mike fires Nate’s shotgun into the ceiling…)
Mike: Everybody stay calm! This is a robbery!
Keith: Hand over the gold, ya varmints!
Nate: (blows bubbles in soup)
(A waitress empties the register as Mike and Keith laugh at each other…)
Keith: Just like the olden days!
Mike: Stick to what ya know, Keith. Stick to what ya know.
Keith: Nothing could possibly mess up this robbery!
(Solomon the donkey suddenly bursts through the front window and begins kicking over everyone and everything in sight…)
Keith: Solomon, no!
(Keith gets kicked in the head and is knocked out cold…)
Cook: (glaring from the kitchen) No donkeys allowed!
(The next morning, the three assholes wake up in a cell in Freeport Prison. Keith frantically glances around the cell…)
Keith: Solomon! Solomon! Solomooooooooon!
(Sheriff Ford chuckles at his prisoners from behind the bars…)
Sheriff: You thought you could get away with it, didn’t you Kowalski?
Keith: Get away with what? I didn’t even do anything!
Sheriff: You stole that donkey. And you fucked my daughter.
Keith: (looks down) Nah. I just made that up so you’d think I was cool.
Sheriff: Why would I– (shakes his head) Well, you still stole that donkey.
Keith: I won that donkey in a card game and he’s my best friend and you can’t have him!
Deputy: Story checks out, Sheriff.
Sheriff: Well, then….loitering in a desert!
Keith: (groans) Jeez. Thanks a lot, Nate!
Nate: (vomits sand)