Three Assholes – Episode 108
Nate, Mike & Keith are childhood Maine friends. They’re also assholes.
Episode 108 – No Sleep Till Houlton
Mike: Sub-Zero, bitch!
(Sub-Zero decapitates Raiden…)
Keith: Aw, no fair! You’re using cheat codes.
Mike: No, I’m not. You just suck at Mortal Kombat II.
Keith: Whatever. Video game sequels don’t really count anyway.
Mike: You’re such a sore loser.
Keith: Am not. I just really don’t like not winning.
Nate: (snorts a rail of ketamine off the Hollywood Video game rental case) C’mon, guys. If we’re gonna pull an all-nighter, I don’t want you guys arguing and harshing my buzz.
Keith: Well, just tell Mike he’s wrong and we’ll stop.
(A flurry of hair bursts into Mike’s trailer in Chickadee Trailer Park. The trio’s lawyer, Rick Rollings, leans down and finishes Nate’s line…)
Rollings: (clapping) Whoo! How are my favorite clients doing?
Keith: Mike’s cheating at Mortal Kombat. What do you want, Rick? Uppers? Downers?
Rollings: As you probably know, I’m now the proud manager of the hottest local glam metal rock band, Raycyst.
Rollings: No, Raycyst.
Mike: They’re not one of those white pride bands, are they?
Rollings: Oh, no. They just think it looks cool on a t-shirt. (tosses Mike a t-shirt)
Mike: (holds it up) Well shit, they’re right.
Rollings: Anyway, I was hoping you guys could help me out with something. My boys were performing at a battle of the bands up in Houlton. It seems their bus broke down and they need a ride home. I was thinkin’ if we drove all night, we could head up there and pick ’em up.
Nate: You’re their manager. Why aren’t you in Houlton with them now?
Rollings: Oh God, I hate their music. Glam metal is so eighties. Now, we’re gonna need a bus.
Keith: I got you, Rick. Now cut me a K-line while I look up Mortal Kombat II cheat codes real quick.
(That evening at the SAD 62 bus dispatch…)
Mike: (cutting through a wire fence) They don’t have guard dogs, do they? I hate guard dogs.
Keith: I doubt it. (turns to Nate, shrugs)
Rollings: Isn’t it a felony to steal a school bus?
Keith: (shaking his head) That’s only if there’s kids in it.
(Mike, Nate, Keith and Rick duck under the fence and into the nearest bus, which Mike quickly hotwires…)
Rollings: You learn that in Iraq?
Mike: (smiles as he starts the engine) Nah. I learned that in Maine.
(SAD 62’s Bus 14 is barreling east on I-95…)
Rollings: (eyelids drooping) I think the ketamine’s wearing off. You got anything to keep me awake?
Keith: (handing Rick a pipe) Hit this, Rollings.
Rollings: What is this? Crack?
Keith: (scoffs) Crack? What are we, poor?
Nate: Yes, we are.
Mike: Very very poor.
Rollings: Not me. I’m a lawyer.
Keith: No, Richard. That’s angel dust.
Rollings: (emits a puff of smoke and his eyes spark up) Whoa. That’s got some kick.
Keith: (glances at Nate) Rage cage?
Nate: (grins) Rage cage.
Mike: No rage cage! I’m drivin’.
Keith: (sulks) Okay.
Mike: It’s bad enough we’re driving a stolen school bus clear across the state. Now you wanna–
Keith: (leaping over the driver’s seat) RAGE CAAAAAAGE!
(Keith is fidgeting in the back seat…)
Keith: You didn’t have to handcuff me, you know.
Mike: Yes, I did.
Keith: Why do you even have these? For sex?
Mike: For the company I keep.
Keith: So, sex.
Nate: So Rick, who is this Raycyst band anyway? Anybody we know?
Rollings: They’re good kids. Let’s see, you’ve got Ricky Fredericks on drums; Lenny Willis on bass guitar and lead vocals and, of course, Kerry Slater on lead guitar.
Keith: STOP THE BUS!
(Mike slams on the brakes and everyone gets thrown forward on a quiet interstate on a dark Maine night…)
Mike: What’s happening, cops?
Nate: A deer?
Rollings: Gotta pee?
Keith: Kerry Slater.
Keith: Rick, you said Kerry Slater?
Rollings: Yeah, that’s right. Lead guitar, Kerry Slater.
Keith: That sonuvabitch.
Rollings: You know Kerry?
Keith: Like it was only yesterday.
Nate: Better get back on the road, Mikey. Keith’s flashbacks can take a while.
(In the arcade at the Airport Mall in Bangor in early 1993…)
Slater: Sub-Zero, bitch!
(Sub-Zero decapitates Raiden…)
Keith: (pouting) You’re cheating! You’re cheating!
Slater: How can I cheat? This game just came out.
Keith: (running out of the arcade) Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
(Back on the bus…)
Nate: Why do all of your flashbacks end with you bawling?
Keith: I was an emotional youth!
Mike: We just passed Smyma.
Keith: Anyway, I’m not helping any band with Kerry Slater in it. Let’s just turn this stolen school bus around.
Rollings: Then you don’t get paid.
Keith: Fine with me. I was born broke.
Nate: C’mon, Keith. We’re just picking ’em up and takin’ ’em back home.
Keith: No! I don’t wanna!
Mike: Careful, Nate. We’re teetering dangerously on the edge of a Kowalski Temper Tantrum.
Keith: (red-faced) I am not gonna have a temper tantrum!
Keith: (eyes welling up) You guys are dicks.
Keith: (tears bursting) Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
(Out back behind the Houlton Civic Auditorium, the members of Raycyst are leaning against the wall when Bus 14 pulls up…)
Slater: ‘Bout goddam time, Rollings.
Rollings: Sorry, boys. Had trouble finding a bus. Where are all your groupies?
Slater: We lost the battle. They all went home with Asslick.
Mike: Oh, I like Asslick.
Fredericks: (swilling a beer can, up in Mike’s face) What’d you say, fatass?
Mike: Uh…drag, man.
Slater: No matter. There’s plenty of sluts back in Bangor. Let’s go home and get our dicks wet at Diva’s.
Mike: Hey, my girlfriend Minnie works there.
Slater: He he, I know Minnie.
(The band members chuckle and Mike’s face turns red…)
Mike: What’s that supposed to mean?
(Keith walks toward the front of the bus, bleary-eyed and somehow free of his handcuffs…)
Keith: He means your girlfriend’s a whore, Mike. More importantly: have you played any Mortal Kombat II lately, Kerry?
Slater: (frowns) Do I know you?
Keith: Like you could possibly forget. April 1993. The arcade at the Airport Mall.
Slater: (shaking his head) Nothin’.
Keith: What are you talkin’ about, nothin’? You were Sub-Zero. I was Raiden. You cheated and won.
Slater: Oh, yeah. And you ran away cryin’ like a little bitch. Yeah, I remember you!
(The band members laugh and Keith’s eyes well up…)
Keith: I was nine and my grandmother had just passed away. It was an emotional time for me!
Mike: Keith, your grandmother’s still–
Slater: You still wear that faggy little fanny pack?
Keith: (tear rolls down cheek) Sometimes!
Slater: Rick, what are these losers doing on our bus anyway? They aren’t our new roadies, are they?
Keith: Okay, team huddle outside.
(The three assholes get off the bus and huddle up…)
Keith: So. I think if we just pull off the road somewhere around Medway, we can find a quiet place to bury them.
Nate: What? No, we’re not killing anybody.
Keith: Aww. But Mike got to kill that cokehead girl!
Mike: I didn’t kill her. She died of sort of natural causes.
Keith: No fair.
Nate: Look, Keith. You’re better than these guys. Just brush it off and let’s go home.
(The bus engine starts and Kerry pokes his head out the window…)
Slater: You snooze you lose, assholes!
(The bus takes off down the road as Nate, Mike and Keith stand outside the empty auditorium. Keith walks over to a nearby payphone and dials…)
Keith: Yeah hi, police? There’s a stolen school bus driving down I-95. Also, I think the thiefs might be pedophiles. Thaaanks!
(Keith hangs up and smiles at Mike and Nate, who glance around at the empty parking lot, lit only by quiet moonlight…)
Mike: Welp. Might as well start walkin’.
Keith: Let’s play Mortal Kombat in our minds as we walk. I’ll be Raiden.
Mike: I’m Sub-Zero. I decapitate you.
Keith: (tears bursting out) Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!