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Three Assholes – Episode 106

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 12/19/2011

Nate, Mike & Keith are childhood Maine friends. They’re also assholes.

Episode 106 – Girls

Keith:  (firing his .38)  I’m gonna kill you!

Mike:  (running around in a metal trashcan)  No, you won’t. Because I’m RoboCop!

(A bullet pings off the trashcan and Mike jumps back…)

Mike:  Ow, dammit! Are those real bullets?

Keith:  Relax. Half of them are duds.

Mike:  Half?

Lynn:  Hey.

(A tawny brunette is smiling at Mike…)

Mike:  Hey.

Lynn:  Cool trashcan.

Mike:  Thanks. I’m RoboCop.

Lynn:  Cool.

Keith:  (walking up, pistol in hand)  Listen, lady. We’re playin’ RoboCop, so if you just wanna move it al0–oh my God, Lynn.

Lynn:  Oh. Hey, Keith. How are you?

Keith:  An emotionless husk of my former self, thanks to you.

Lynn:  Same old Keith. Who’s your cute friend?

Keith:  (grabbing his friend by the arm)  C’mon, Mike. Let’s get outta here. This girl ain’t nothin’ but trouble.

Lynn:  See you around, Mike.

Mike:  (turns back, tips invisible cap)  That’s Mr. RoboCop to you, ma’am.


(At the Veazie Dam…)

Keith:  (bursting into the control room)  Nate, we’ve got a big problem. Ha! Caught you pickin’ your nose.

Nate:  (removes finger)  Dammit!

Mike:  (waddles in, still wearing trashcan)  Hey, Nate.

Nate:  Hey, RoboCop. Listen guys, can this wait? My supervisor doesn’t really like when you guys show up unannounced.

Keith:  Oh, Doug? He’s a turkey.

Nate:  No, he’s from Turkey.

Keith:  Anyway Nate, this cannot wait. Hey, that rhymed.

Nate:  What can’t wait?

Keith:  Lynn is back.

Nate:  Oh, shit.


(Nate, Mike and Keith are sitting on the edge of the dam on Nate’s lunch break, spitting into the Penobscot…)

Nate:  Lynn, huh? Haven’t heard from her in years.

Keith:  Well, she’s back now; and uglier than ever.

Mike:  I dunno. I thought she was kinda hot.

Keith:  On the inside, Mikey. Ugly on the inside.

Nate:  It was while you were in Iraq. She had moved here with her mother and started tagging along with us on our adventures. Keith was smitten with her almost immediately; but unfortunately, she was into me.

Keith:  Probably because Nate was smaller. She didn’t feel as intimidated.

Nate:  We’re the same height.

Keith:  Well, now.

Nate:  Anyway, one day Keith comes up to me and asks if I’d be okay with him going out with Lynn. I, of course, didn’t object; because I was still with Stacey at the time.

Keith:  Ugh.

Mike:  Yuck.

Nate:  So I gave Keith my blessing. He took her down to Jenkins Pond and, well, we never saw her again. But I remember Keith coming back home very shaken that evening.  (chuckles)  We all kinda thought he killed her. He he. But seriously, there was an investigation.

Keith:  And I was cleared of all charges! So, no reason to drudge up the past.

Mike:  C’mon, Keith. Tell us what happened.

Keith:  It was an emotionally scarring experience. I’d rather not.

Mike:  C’monnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.

Keith:  (sighs)  Fine.


(Two years earlier, at Jenkins Pond…)

Keith:  Beautiful day.

Lynn:  It’s alright.

(Keith leans against a tree and Lynn sits down next to him. Keith glances down at his crotch and up at Lynn, eyebrows raised…)

Keith:  Eh? Eh?

Lynn:  What.

Keith:  Blowjob?

Lynn:  Ew. No. Look, is Nate coming or not?

Keith:  (pulling a plastic bag out of his pocket)  Not.

Lynn:  Is that coke?

Keith:  (glances down at his now-empty bag)  Uh, it was.

Lynn:  (wipes nose)  Do you have anymore?

Keith:  You just killed an eight ball. Are you….addicted to cocaine?

Lynn:  How do you think I stay so thin? Look. If you give me some more, I might reconsider that blowjob.

Keith:  (frantically rummages through pockets)  Think I might have some angel dust. Does that count?

Lynn:  Ugh. Loser.

(A musclebound meathead cruises up the pond on a Sea-Doo…)

Meathead:  Hey, I got some blow.

Lynn:  (hopping up)  Then let’s ride, baby!

(Lynn jumps on the back of the Sea-Doo and it splashes Keith as they take off toward the opposite side of the pond, their laughter fading away across the horizon…)

Lynn:  Bye, loser!

Keith:  (eyes welling up, bursts into tears)  Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!


(Back on the dam…)

Keith:  And I kept on crying like that for a solid five hours. She was the only girl to ever make me cry. She broke my heart and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to put the pieces back together.

Mike:  That was the single most despicably sad story you’ve ever told. And that includes the thing with your cousin.

Keith:  (scowling)  That was a tale of heartbreak and regret!

Nate:  A coke head whore stole your drugs and escaped on a jet-ski. Where is the regret in that story?

Keith:  Well…I regret not getting that blowjob.

Mike:  Well, I dig her. I think I’m gonna ask her out.

Keith:  What about Minnie?

Mike:  We’re day-to-day.


(Late that evening, Mike calls Nate and Keith down to Chickadee Trailer Park…)

Nate:  ‘Sup, Mike. What’s the problem you couldn’t talk about on the phone?

Keith:  You clog the toilet again, you fat–oh my God, Lynn.

(Lynn is laying on the kitchen floor with a bottle of Ajax by her head, foam spilling out of the corner of her mouth…)

Mike:  She thought it was coke.

Nate:  In a bottle labeled ‘Ajax’.

Mike:  She’s not the brightest girl, but she’s got a great personality.

Keith:  (checking for a pulse)  This goose is cooked.

Mike:  Oh, shit. What are we gonna do?

Keith:  Dam?

Nate:  Dam.


(The next morning, Keith and Mike are back in the gravel pit…)

Keith:  (loading his .38)  Glad we got rid of that body.

Mike:  You’re taking this all pretty well, Keith. Her being the one who broke your heart and all.

Keith:  You know, Mikey. Girls come and go; but it’s the friends who stick by you and help dispose of a body in the Penobscot River that really matter.  (aims his pistol at Mike’s trashcan chest)  Now die, criminal! I’m RoboCop!

Mike:  What? No, I’m RoboCop.

Keith:  (frowning)  I thought I was RoboCop. I’m always RoboCop.

Mike:  You’ve thought you were RoboCop all these years playing RoboCop? Why do you think I’m wearing this trashcan?

Keith:  (cocks pistol)  I dunno. ‘Cause you’re an idiot?  (fires bullet into trashcan)

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