Three Assholes – Episode 106
Nate, Mike & Keith are childhood Maine friends. They’re also assholes.
Episode 106 – Girls
Keith: (firing his .38) I’m gonna kill you!
Mike: (running around in a metal trashcan) No, you won’t. Because I’m RoboCop!
(A bullet pings off the trashcan and Mike jumps back…)
Mike: Ow, dammit! Are those real bullets?
Keith: Relax. Half of them are duds.
(A tawny brunette is smiling at Mike…)
Lynn: Cool trashcan.
Mike: Thanks. I’m RoboCop.
Keith: (walking up, pistol in hand) Listen, lady. We’re playin’ RoboCop, so if you just wanna move it al0–oh my God, Lynn.
Lynn: Oh. Hey, Keith. How are you?
Keith: An emotionless husk of my former self, thanks to you.
Lynn: Same old Keith. Who’s your cute friend?
Keith: (grabbing his friend by the arm) C’mon, Mike. Let’s get outta here. This girl ain’t nothin’ but trouble.
Lynn: See you around, Mike.
Mike: (turns back, tips invisible cap) That’s Mr. RoboCop to you, ma’am.
(At the Veazie Dam…)
Keith: (bursting into the control room) Nate, we’ve got a big problem. Ha! Caught you pickin’ your nose.
Nate: (removes finger) Dammit!
Mike: (waddles in, still wearing trashcan) Hey, Nate.
Nate: Hey, RoboCop. Listen guys, can this wait? My supervisor doesn’t really like when you guys show up unannounced.
Keith: Oh, Doug? He’s a turkey.
Nate: No, he’s from Turkey.
Keith: Anyway Nate, this cannot wait. Hey, that rhymed.
Nate: What can’t wait?
Keith: Lynn is back.
Nate: Oh, shit.
(Nate, Mike and Keith are sitting on the edge of the dam on Nate’s lunch break, spitting into the Penobscot…)
Nate: Lynn, huh? Haven’t heard from her in years.
Keith: Well, she’s back now; and uglier than ever.
Mike: I dunno. I thought she was kinda hot.
Keith: On the inside, Mikey. Ugly on the inside.
Nate: It was while you were in Iraq. She had moved here with her mother and started tagging along with us on our adventures. Keith was smitten with her almost immediately; but unfortunately, she was into me.
Keith: Probably because Nate was smaller. She didn’t feel as intimidated.
Nate: We’re the same height.
Keith: Well, now.
Nate: Anyway, one day Keith comes up to me and asks if I’d be okay with him going out with Lynn. I, of course, didn’t object; because I was still with Stacey at the time.
Nate: So I gave Keith my blessing. He took her down to Jenkins Pond and, well, we never saw her again. But I remember Keith coming back home very shaken that evening. (chuckles) We all kinda thought he killed her. He he. But seriously, there was an investigation.
Keith: And I was cleared of all charges! So, no reason to drudge up the past.
Mike: C’mon, Keith. Tell us what happened.
Keith: It was an emotionally scarring experience. I’d rather not.
Keith: (sighs) Fine.
(Two years earlier, at Jenkins Pond…)
Keith: Beautiful day.
Lynn: It’s alright.
(Keith leans against a tree and Lynn sits down next to him. Keith glances down at his crotch and up at Lynn, eyebrows raised…)
Keith: Eh? Eh?
Lynn: Ew. No. Look, is Nate coming or not?
Keith: (pulling a plastic bag out of his pocket) Not.
Lynn: Is that coke?
Keith: (glances down at his now-empty bag) Uh, it was.
Lynn: (wipes nose) Do you have anymore?
Keith: You just killed an eight ball. Are you….addicted to cocaine?
Lynn: How do you think I stay so thin? Look. If you give me some more, I might reconsider that blowjob.
Keith: (frantically rummages through pockets) Think I might have some angel dust. Does that count?
Lynn: Ugh. Loser.
(A musclebound meathead cruises up the pond on a Sea-Doo…)
Meathead: Hey, I got some blow.
Lynn: (hopping up) Then let’s ride, baby!
(Lynn jumps on the back of the Sea-Doo and it splashes Keith as they take off toward the opposite side of the pond, their laughter fading away across the horizon…)
Lynn: Bye, loser!
Keith: (eyes welling up, bursts into tears) Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
(Back on the dam…)
Keith: And I kept on crying like that for a solid five hours. She was the only girl to ever make me cry. She broke my heart and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to put the pieces back together.
Mike: That was the single most despicably sad story you’ve ever told. And that includes the thing with your cousin.
Keith: (scowling) That was a tale of heartbreak and regret!
Nate: A coke head whore stole your drugs and escaped on a jet-ski. Where is the regret in that story?
Keith: Well…I regret not getting that blowjob.
Mike: Well, I dig her. I think I’m gonna ask her out.
Keith: What about Minnie?
Mike: We’re day-to-day.
(Late that evening, Mike calls Nate and Keith down to Chickadee Trailer Park…)
Nate: ‘Sup, Mike. What’s the problem you couldn’t talk about on the phone?
Keith: You clog the toilet again, you fat–oh my God, Lynn.
(Lynn is laying on the kitchen floor with a bottle of Ajax by her head, foam spilling out of the corner of her mouth…)
Mike: She thought it was coke.
Nate: In a bottle labeled ‘Ajax’.
Mike: She’s not the brightest girl, but she’s got a great personality.
Keith: (checking for a pulse) This goose is cooked.
Mike: Oh, shit. What are we gonna do?
(The next morning, Keith and Mike are back in the gravel pit…)
Keith: (loading his .38) Glad we got rid of that body.
Mike: You’re taking this all pretty well, Keith. Her being the one who broke your heart and all.
Keith: You know, Mikey. Girls come and go; but it’s the friends who stick by you and help dispose of a body in the Penobscot River that really matter. (aims his pistol at Mike’s trashcan chest) Now die, criminal! I’m RoboCop!
Mike: What? No, I’m RoboCop.
Keith: (frowning) I thought I was RoboCop. I’m always RoboCop.
Mike: You’ve thought you were RoboCop all these years playing RoboCop? Why do you think I’m wearing this trashcan?
Keith: (cocks pistol) I dunno. ‘Cause you’re an idiot? (fires bullet into trashcan)