Three Assholes – Episode 105
Nate, Mike & Keith are childhood Maine friends. They’re also assholes.
Episode 105 – True Crime
Keith: Well whaddya mean you don’t believe? … Since when? … Well then I guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree. … Good day to you, sir.
Mike: (glancing up from the joint he’s rolling) Who was that?
Keith: KFC. Did you know they don’t deliver?
Nate: (exiting the tiny bathroom) This trailer isn’t quite as roomy as the one that pizza waitress stole.
Keith: The price you pay for infidelity, Mikey.
(There’s a knock at the door and Nate answers…)
Linda: My name is Linda Ashford. Is Mike Miner home?
Mike: (hands joint to Keith) I’m Mike Miner. Can I help you, ma’am?
Linda: I’m with the Chickadee Trailer Park Community Committee. We’re concerned with public safety here in the park and would like to ask politely for you to leave.
Mike: Leave? I just moved in.
Linda: (reading from a prepared statement) Mike Miner is a danger to society. He is an AWOL soldier with ties to various nefarious elements–
Keith: (getting up off the used recliner) Me. She’s talking about me.
Linda: The Chickadee Park Community Committee fears his presence will be detrimental to the community at large. Therefore we ask that Mr. Miner vacate the premises peacefully before we pursue the matter through legal avenues. Also, I smell reefer.
Keith: (offers Linda the joint, blowing out a cloud of smoke, coughing) Want some “various nefarious elements”?
Linda: Please, Mr. Miner. If I call the police, you could be shipped back to Iraq. Nobody wants that.
(Linda turns to leave and Mike slams the screen door…)
Nate: Should we start boxing stuff up?
Mike: Fuck that. We’re calling our lawyer.
Keith: Oof. In that case, we better roll another joint.
(Mike, Nate and Keith find their lawyer — Rick Rollings — outside the local Burger King. Rollings is in sweats, sporting a beard so bushy you can hardly see his face…)
Nate: Rick, what are you doing outside? It’s cold.
Rick: Got kicked out.
(Rick pulls up his pant leg to reveal a pistol stuffed in his sock…)
Rick: I also brought in a cooler full of Miller; which they confiscated. Thank you very much, American government.
Nate: Not sure the government had anything to do with that one, bud.
Rick: Enough about my problems. What’s up with you guys?
Mike: I just moved into Chickadee Trailer Park and they have a committee that wants me out.
Rick: A committee of private citizens with no legal jurisdiction? C’mon, guys. What have I taught you?
Keith: To say “No habla Español” when we’re arrested?
Rick: It’s “No habla Ingles”. Have you been saying “No habla Español” every time you’re arrested?
Keith: (looks down, kicks gravel) Yeah.
Rick: (sighs) No. I’ve taught you that the common man — the private citizen — has no real power. If they want you out, then tough noogies to them.
(A Burger King employee pokes his head out the door…)
Employee: Sir, you’re blocking the drive-thru lane. If you gentlemen wouldn’t mind moving…
(Rick draws his sock pistol and points it at the high school student/part-time fast-food restaurant employee…)
Rick: I’m having a lawyery conversation with my clients! Do you mind?
Keith: And give him back his cooler!
Mike: It’s just that she threatened to call the police. I’m AWOL. What if the Army locates me?
Keith: And there’s a shitload of drugs in the trailer.
Rick: Ooh, that’s a sticky wicket. We’re gonna have to set up a legal defense fund.
Mike: Well, how are we gonna do that? None of us have any money.
Rick: (cocking his pistol) Let’s rob this Burger King. (kicks through the doors) Everybody on the ground!
Keith: (popping on a ski mask) Good thing I always have a ski mask in my back pocket, just in case. (cocks his .22) Somebody make a funny Whopper joke when we’re in there.
(That evening in a holding cell at the Veazie Police Dept…)
Mike: You see? This is what that committee lady meant by “various nefarious elements”. She meant my friends. Keith. Rick. Even you, Nate.
Nate: What did I do?
Mike: You’re the smart one. You’re supposed to know better; but you just go along with everybody else. Maybe I just need new friends.
Nate: (scowling) Maybe you just need no friends.
(Nate, Keith and Rick get up, leaving Mike alone in the corner of the cell…)
Keith: (whispering, ten feet away from Mike) Do you think he can still hear us?
(The next morning, Mike is packing up his trailer as the Chickadee Park Community Committee looks on…)
Mike: (clapping his hands) Welp, that’s the last of it. Guess I’ll be hittin’ the ol’ dusty trail.
Linda: I wish there was another way, Mr. Miner.
Mike: Well, you could not kick me out of your trailer park.
Linda: I assure you, Mr. Miner. It’s not you. It’s your friends. They’re just…assholes.
Keith: Assholes with donuts!
(Keith, Nate and Rick walk up the road with cups of Dunkin’ Donuts, which they hand out to everybody on the committee…)
Linda: Well, this is…thoughtful of you.
Rick: (handing Linda a packet) While you’re enjoying that delicious piping hot Dunkin’ Donuts coffee, take a look at this.
Linda: This is a restraining order.
Rick: Stating that Mr. Miner’s friends and acquaintances are not to come within fifteen yards of any of you or your trailers. It gives Mr. Miner a thirty-day trial period to win over your good graces.
(The committee members are smiling and laughing as Linda shakes Rick and Mike’s hands…)
Linda: I think this will work. Maybe I was wrong about your friends, Mr. Miner. I’m gonna go follow that deer.
(The committee members wander off and Nate slaps Mike on the back…)
Mike: Wow, that went…surprisingly well. Thanks, guys. It was wrong what I said in jail last night. Not sure where I’d be without you guys.
Keith: Probably still in Iraq.
Mike: How’d you get the committee to change their minds so quickly like that?
Keith: (whispering in Mike’s ear) Also I dosed their coffee with LSD.
(One of the committee members sprints by nude…)
Committee Member: I see feelings!