Three Assholes – Episode 104
Nate, Mike & Keith are childhood Maine friends. They’re also assholes.
Episode 104 – Moose In Effect
Keith: Can’t believe we’re walking around in nature like a buncha chumps.
Keith: If nature’s so great, why isn’t there a video game about it?
Mike: Keith, shush! Look, there he is.
Nate: Wow, he’s beautiful.
Keith: Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s ride that moose.
Nate: Ooh. That’s not a great idea, buddy.
Mike: Yeah, moose are notoriously danger–whoops, there he goes.
Keith: (sprinting towards the moose, screaming) MOOSE RIDE!
(The moose rears up on its hind legs and kicks Keith in the head. Keith collapses to the forest floor in a slump and the moose trots off…)
Nate: Oh my God, Keith. Are you alright?
Nate: We gotta get him to the hospital.
Mike: Okay. But let’s just take some pictures of him in embarrassing poses first.
Nate: Ooh! We could put a pine cone in his butt!
Nate: Near his butt?
(Keith is sitting in a hospital bed with a bandage around his head, smiling at the pictures on Nate’s camera phone…)
Keith: Ha ha, it looks like there’s a pine cone in my butt. (looks up, worried) There wasn’t though, right?
Nate: No, just near your butt. (winks at Mike)
Mike: (winks back)
(Nurse Dolores Rasberry comes in with Keith’s charts…)
Rasberry: Okay Mr. Kowalski, you’re all set. Just be sure to take the pain medication.
Keith: (rattles a nearly-empty prescription bottle) Way ahead of ya, Doc.
Rasberry: And here’s your bill.
Keith: Whoa, I thought this was gonna be more of a pro-bono type situation; like, the government was gonna cover this.
Rasberry: And what made you think that?
Rasberry: Would you like to pay by check?
Keith: Look Nurse Rasberry, I don’t have insurance. And we both know I don’t have enough scratch to cover this moose-inflicted injury. Are there any other methods of payment? Can I give you drugs or sex you right or something?
Rasberry: There is one way.
Keith: I’ll sell you these painkillers. Wait, no. Not these ones, other ones.
Rasberry: You boys recall that Veazie High School was burnt to the ground by scofflaws last week?
Nate: Oh, yes. Terrible tragedy.
Keith: I didn’t do it.
Rasberry: Well they’re currently rebuilding the school and they need as many men as they can get their hands on. If you boys go down there and volunteer your time today, I’ll tear this bill up.
Nate: Sounds great. Thanks, Nurse Rasberry.
Keith: Or, we could throw a dance party here in the hospital; charge admission; get everybody high and crazy on these painkillers and all the proceeds could go to covering my head injury!
Rasberry: (blank stare)
Keith: (scowls) Well, I’m gonna need a hardhat.
(Keith is sitting in sawdust against a wooden frame, smoking a cigarette. Mike and Nate walk by carrying a heavy piece of lumber…)
Mike: Keith, what are you doing?
Keith: Smoking in the boys’ room. Or at least it’s gonna be the boys’ room. They already got the toilets installed, I tested those out. Although I don’t see any urinals; so this might be the girls’ room.
Nate: Well feel free to pitch in a helping hand, since it’s your fault we’re even here.
Mike: Yeah and technically you should be here anyway since you’re the one who burned this school down in the first place.
Nate: Wait, did you say you tested those toilets out?
Keith: Yup. Workin’ like a charm.
Nate: Keith, they haven’t even hooked up the plumbing yet. Those toilets aren’t connected to anything.
Keith: (getting up) Oh yeah? Then where’d my poop go? (glances in bowl) Whoops, never mind.
Minnie: Hey boys, where’s the party at?
(The construction workers hoot and whistle as Minnie and the rest of the dancers from Diva’s Gentleman’s Club traipse through the construction site…)
Lloyd: (removes hardhat) Va va voom!
Mike: Can it, Lloyd. Minnie, what are you doing here babe?
Minnie: Keith said he needed some girls for some sort of dance party at the high school.
Mike: (glares at Keith)
Keith: How else are we gonna pay for my medical bill?
Mike: We were doing it, you idiot! All we had to was work here for the rest of the day and everything would be squared away! Now you’ve got strippers–
Minnie: Excuse me?
Mike: –exotic dancers running around on a dangerous construction site. Somebody could get hurt!
Keith: Oh, and girls. Forgot to tell you. Half your tips are gonna have to go to me, ’cause I hit my noggin.
Minnie: (hugs Keith) Aww, did baby get a boo-boo? Want Minnie to kiss it and make it better?
Keith: (blushes) D’okay.
Minnie: Mike, will you lay off? Show a little compassion for your friends.
Keith: Yeah, Mike! (hides erection)
Lloyd: (receiving a lap dance on the toilet Keith pooped in earlier) He he, I don’t think this is quite up to code. He he.
Keith: Live a little, Lloyd!
Nate: (hands on hips, monitoring the widespread eroticism) This school ain’t ever gonna get built.
Keith: (swivels around) What was that? You hear that?
Mike: I didn’t hear nothin’.
(Keith squints through the wooden frame at the field behind the school and spots a moose kicking at the hard soil…)
Keith: There he is again!
Nate: (glancing out at the field) I don’t think that’s the same one.
Keith: It’s him, alright. Look at him, mocking me.
(Keith pulls a .38 out of his back pocket and points it through the school frame at the moose as construction workers and strippers dive out of the way…)
Keith: Die, moose! Die!
(Back in the hospital bed the next morning with another bandage on his head, Keith is flipping channels…)
News Anchor: …two strippers and a construction worker were wounded in the attack by an unknown assailant. A moose in a nearby field was found unharmed, but could not be reached for comment.
Keith: (muttering) Lousy left-wing media.