Three Assholes – Episode 101
Nate, Mike & Keith are childhood Maine friends. They’re also assholes.
Episode 101 – Rowin’ & Stealin’
(Boyhood friends Mike, Nate and Keith are in an aluminum rowboat, floating on the Penobscot River…)
Mike: (swigging a beer can) Man, it feels like it’s been forever since we did this. Thanks for takin’ the day off, Nate.
Nate: It’s not every day one of your best friends comes back from Iraq. Besides, the dam’s right there. I ain’t missin’ anything.
Keith: (holding in some free-based meth smoke) I can’t believe they put you in charge of a damn dam. Here, hit this.
(Nate takes the spoon and lighter…)
Mike: (shaking his head, smiling) Still free-basing meth. You guys.
Nate: (blows out meth smoke) I’m not in charge of the whole dam. I’m just the Tidal Flow Supervisor.
Keith: (chortles) Your mom’s the Tidal Flow Supervisor.
Nate: Well, duh. How do you think I got the job? Mom died and I took over.
Keith: Lucky bastard.
Mike: What about you, Keith? How’s your job going?
Keith: Oh, the selling drugs? It’s alright, I guess. Just seems like kids aren’t getting high like they used to.
Mike: That sucks.
Nate: So five years in Iraq, man. What was that like?
Mike: Scary. Woulda been more fun if you guys had come along.
Nate: Yeah well, you know. My eyes.
Keith: Yeah. And I had all these drugs to sell.
Mike: Ah well, home now. (free-bases meth)
Nate: How’d you end up getting out of there, anyway? You take some shrapnel? Honorable discharge?
Mike: Oh, God no. I went AWOL.
Nate: You what?
Mike: Yeah, I just left. Got sick of the bullshit, you know?
Keith: Tell me about it.
Mike: Yup. They’ve probably got somebody looking for me right now.
Keith: The perfect crime.
Mike: No, what? Keith, are you even listening?
Keith: (free-bases meth)
Nate: Hey, Keith. Whose boat is this?
(Nate rolls a blunt while Mike hands his friends gold chains…)
Mike: Got these from a street vendor in Baghdad. Real gold. Says he stole them off the Hussein Brothers’ corpses.
Keith: Cool! Blood necklaces!
Nate: Thanks, man. Here, hit this.
Mike: (tokes, glances over at Keith) Whatcha mixin’ up in that bucket, buddy? A little Black Sunshine?
Keith: Yeah, figured it’s been a while since you had a stiff drink.
Mike: You know, I tried to make some for the boys when I first got over there. But the Army frowns on you using oil for “recreational purposes”.
Keith: But that’s what gives it its blackish hue.
Mike: I know, right? (peers in bucket) Wow, that stuff is neon black.
Keith: Yeah, this is a good batch. So, I banged your girlfriend.
Mike: You what?!!!?
(Keith hands Mike a cup of Black Sunshine…)
Keith: Here. Chug this real quick.
(An alarm sounds faintly upriver. Nate glances back, but is distracted by the boat fight…)
Mike: You banged Minnie?!!
Nate: (chuckles) Always forget her name’s Minnie. Like the mouse.
Keith: Look. I was really drunk one night at Diva’s with Nate and she was dancing. She hung out with us on the train tracks near Doug’s Shop ‘N Save after her shift and we just kinda…
Mike: Had sex on a train track.
Keith: Well, yeah. If you wanna paint it in such an unromantic light.
Mike: That is the ultimate betrayal, Keith.
Keith: C’mon, Mikey. She’s a stripper.
Mike: She is an exotic dancer and that is no excuse.
Keith: We didn’t know if you were comin’ back!
Mike: What about all my letters and correspondences?
Keith: What letters and correspondences?
Nate: Yeah, I didn’t get any letters or correspondences.
Mike: Well that’s because I didn’t write any. But if I had, well then…
Keith: Well then what?
Mike: Nothin’. I’m just really steamed with you right now.
Keith: Sorry, buddy.
Nate: If it’s any consolation, she was really coked out at the time.
Nate: (chuckles) Hey, does she ever wear the Minnie Mouse outfit when you–?
Mike: Yes, she does. And yes, it’s weird.
Keith: (takes a swig of Black Sunshine) You know, I’m beginning to get pretty paranoid about this whole AWOL situation. What if they come find you and take you back to Iraq? I mean, you just got here. We just started gettin’ into our old bag of tricks. Which reminds me: before I forget, let’s go steal some stuff later.
Mike: I’ll be fine, Keith. A lot of times they just write it off as a loss.
Keith: Well just in case, I think we should make it so if they do come back for you, they won’t want you when they find you.
Mike: (smirking) And how do you suppose we do that?
Keith: (pulls a pistol out of the back of his jeans) I’m gonna shoot ya in the knee with this gun.
Mike: Whoa, hey!
Nate: Easy, Keith. Why don’t we go ahead and put the gun away.
Keith: (waves the pistol over his head erratically) But they’re gonna take our Mikey away!
Nate: Nobody’s taking our Mikey away!
Mike: Nobody’s taking me away! I’m right here, buddy. Put the gun dow–OH GOD!
Keith: (fires a shot into Mike’s knee, hollering) For America!
Nate: Um, guys. I think we’ve got a situation.
Mike: Yeah! I just got shot in the fucking knee!
Keith: I’m sorry, buddy. I love you!
Nate: No, it’s not that. When I blew off work today, I forgot to call my backup. So all that water that I gradually let in throughout the day with my tidal flow supervising…
(An alarm rings out, the dam cracks and a ten-foot wave comes rushing toward the three assholes in the puny aluminum boat…)
Mike: (holding his profusely bleeding knee) I shoulda stayed in Iraq.
(Mike, Nate and Keith climb back into the aluminum boat…)
Nate: Where the hell are we? Did the river get wider?
Keith: I think we passed Bucksport back there.
Mike: This is Penobscot Bay. That dam pushed us clear down the river.
Keith: Way to go, Mr. Tidal Flow Supervisor.
Nate: You’re the one who convinced me to take the day off!
Keith: And you listened!
Mike: Enough, guys. Look, I’ve just about had my fill of drugs and booze and fun for one day. I just wanna go home, rest up and plan what to do next with my life.
Keith: Ooh, that’s another thing. Your trailer burned down.
Keith: Whole park, actually. A meth lab blew up. It was pretty awesome.
Mike: Doesn’t sound awesome.
Keith: Well, I guess you had to be there. Also, I should tell you guys this boat is stolen.
Nate: That would explain all the cops.
(The three assholes glance over at the coast where a line of squad cars are waiting for them to come ashore…)
Nate: Welcome home, Mikey.