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Presidential Assassinations – Episode 106

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 12/05/2011

President Johnson Jackson wants to kill himself. Hitman Vincente Cruz is the wrong man for the job.

Episode 106 – American Dreams

Belle:  Johnson, get up.

Jackson:  Ugh.

Belle:  Johnson. Get. Up.

Jackson:  Buh.

Belle:  Johnson!

Jackson:  (shoots up out of bed)  Whaa, huh, Cleveland Coliseum!

Belle:  What?

Jackson:  Ohh, my head. Hey babe.

Belle:  Don’t ‘hey babe’ me. You were up drinking all night.

Jackson:  Baby, I’m the President. This is a stress-filled job. Sometimes I gotta unwind.

Belle:  (holding up an empty bottle)  By yourself? With an entire bottle of Jim Beam?

Jackson:  (rubbing his bleary eyes)  Whoa, did I kill the whole thing?  (holds his hand up for a high-five)  Niiiiice!

Belle:  (doesn’t return the five)  Get dressed. You’ve got the unemployment bill and a photo-op with those Tanzanian immigrants seeking asylum.

Jackson:  Right, the Tasmanians. I hope they brought one of those Devils.

Belle:  They’re Tanzanians. And I don’t think that’s a real animal.


(Vincente Cruz is laying in his bed at the Watergate Hotel, dialing his girlfriend again…)

Cruz:  Hey Gloria, it’s Vincente. Just wanted to see how you’re doing. I’m still on this job. I’d really like to talk to you. I don’t like how we left things; what with me being imprisoned and all. So…hope to hear from you soo–

Gloria:  Vincente.

Cruz:  Gloria! I was just leaving you a message.

Gloria:  I know. That’s why we’re talking on the phone now.

Cruz:  Right.

Gloria:  Vincente, what do you want?

Cruz:  I want you, Gloria.

Gloria:  (sighs)  I just can’t right now. I’ve gotta figure some stuff out.

Cruz:  Please. I’ll do anything. What do you want from me?

Gloria:  Honesty. You never tell me anything.

Cruz:  Fine. You want honesty? I’m a hitman. I’m here in D.C. because I’ve been hired by the President of the United States to assassinate him.


Cruz:  Gloria?

Gloria:  Call me back when you’re ready to be serious, Vincente.

(Gloria hangs up and Vincente sees an incoming call on his screen from “Prez”…)

Cruz:  (sighs)


(President Jackson is shaking hands with one of the Tanzanian immigrants…)

Jackson:  It’s great what you and your people have contributed to the cartoon industry. Love Looney Tunes.

Tanzanian:  Huh?

Belle:  (whispering from offstage)  Tanzania!

Jackson:  Right. How ’bout a hand for these Tanzanians? Great stuff.

(President Jackson glances around the balcony section of the high school auditorium…)

Jackson:  C’mon, you idiot. Take the shot.

Tanzanian:  Mr. President?

Jackson:  Huh? Oh, this photographer. Always has to frame it just right. Stupid jerk.

Tanzanian:  Oh.

(The high school principal comes on stage clapping…)

Principal:  How about a hand for the President, everyone. And these brave Tanzanian immigrants who will be starting school with us next semester. Now the President is a very busy man, so let’s have the school band play him off!

(The band cues up “Hail To The Chief” and stops when President Jackson holds his hands up…)

Jackson:  I can stick around for a little longer.

Principal:  Oh…okay.

Jackson:  (scanning the balcony desperately)  I just wanna  (shouts)  TAKE a moment here and thank everyone at  (shouts)  THE school for giving me a  (shouts)  SHOT at speaking to you today.

Principal:  (encourages the students to applaud again)

Jackson:  Now. Who here knows what a filibuster is?


(Vincente is back in Philadelphia after driving a straight shot and is in front of Gloria’s apartment door with a dozen roses…)

Gloria:  (answers the door)  Vincente. What are you doing here?

Vincente:  I blew off work today to come up and see you.

Gloria:  You shouldn’t have done that.

Vincente:  Eh. I can always kill the President tomorrow.

Gloria:  Be serious for once, Vincente. Please.

Vincente:  I am!

Gloria:  You’re not. I just…think we need to spend some time apart.

Vincente:  But what am I gonna do without you?

Gloria:  You’re just gonna have to get over it like I have. Sometimes things don’t work out. I’m sorry, Vincente. Goodbye.

(Gloria shuts the door in Vincente’s face. He lowers his head, drops the flowers and trudges back down the hallway as a neighbor wails on the sax…)


(Late that evening back at Watergate, Vincente’s phone rings…)

Cruz:  Hello?

Jackson:  Dude.

Cruz:  I know.

Jackson:  Dude.

Cruz:  I know, I’m sorry.

Jackson:  Dude.

Cruz:  I’ll assassinate you soon, I swear.

Jackson:  You better.

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