Presidential Assassinations – Episode 106
President Johnson Jackson wants to kill himself. Hitman Vincente Cruz is the wrong man for the job.
Episode 106 – American Dreams
Belle: Johnson, get up.
Belle: Johnson. Get. Up.
Jackson: (shoots up out of bed) Whaa, huh, Cleveland Coliseum!
Jackson: Ohh, my head. Hey babe.
Belle: Don’t ‘hey babe’ me. You were up drinking all night.
Jackson: Baby, I’m the President. This is a stress-filled job. Sometimes I gotta unwind.
Belle: (holding up an empty bottle) By yourself? With an entire bottle of Jim Beam?
Jackson: (rubbing his bleary eyes) Whoa, did I kill the whole thing? (holds his hand up for a high-five) Niiiiice!
Belle: (doesn’t return the five) Get dressed. You’ve got the unemployment bill and a photo-op with those Tanzanian immigrants seeking asylum.
Jackson: Right, the Tasmanians. I hope they brought one of those Devils.
Belle: They’re Tanzanians. And I don’t think that’s a real animal.
(Vincente Cruz is laying in his bed at the Watergate Hotel, dialing his girlfriend again…)
Cruz: Hey Gloria, it’s Vincente. Just wanted to see how you’re doing. I’m still on this job. I’d really like to talk to you. I don’t like how we left things; what with me being imprisoned and all. So…hope to hear from you soo–
Cruz: Gloria! I was just leaving you a message.
Gloria: I know. That’s why we’re talking on the phone now.
Gloria: Vincente, what do you want?
Cruz: I want you, Gloria.
Gloria: (sighs) I just can’t right now. I’ve gotta figure some stuff out.
Cruz: Please. I’ll do anything. What do you want from me?
Gloria: Honesty. You never tell me anything.
Cruz: Fine. You want honesty? I’m a hitman. I’m here in D.C. because I’ve been hired by the President of the United States to assassinate him.
Gloria: Call me back when you’re ready to be serious, Vincente.
(Gloria hangs up and Vincente sees an incoming call on his screen from “Prez”…)
(President Jackson is shaking hands with one of the Tanzanian immigrants…)
Jackson: It’s great what you and your people have contributed to the cartoon industry. Love Looney Tunes.
Belle: (whispering from offstage) Tanzania!
Jackson: Right. How ’bout a hand for these Tanzanians? Great stuff.
(President Jackson glances around the balcony section of the high school auditorium…)
Jackson: C’mon, you idiot. Take the shot.
Tanzanian: Mr. President?
Jackson: Huh? Oh, this photographer. Always has to frame it just right. Stupid jerk.
(The high school principal comes on stage clapping…)
Principal: How about a hand for the President, everyone. And these brave Tanzanian immigrants who will be starting school with us next semester. Now the President is a very busy man, so let’s have the school band play him off!
(The band cues up “Hail To The Chief” and stops when President Jackson holds his hands up…)
Jackson: I can stick around for a little longer.
Jackson: (scanning the balcony desperately) I just wanna (shouts) TAKE a moment here and thank everyone at (shouts) THE school for giving me a (shouts) SHOT at speaking to you today.
Principal: (encourages the students to applaud again)
Jackson: Now. Who here knows what a filibuster is?
(Vincente is back in Philadelphia after driving a straight shot and is in front of Gloria’s apartment door with a dozen roses…)
Gloria: (answers the door) Vincente. What are you doing here?
Vincente: I blew off work today to come up and see you.
Gloria: You shouldn’t have done that.
Vincente: Eh. I can always kill the President tomorrow.
Gloria: Be serious for once, Vincente. Please.
Vincente: I am!
Gloria: You’re not. I just…think we need to spend some time apart.
Vincente: But what am I gonna do without you?
Gloria: You’re just gonna have to get over it like I have. Sometimes things don’t work out. I’m sorry, Vincente. Goodbye.
(Gloria shuts the door in Vincente’s face. He lowers his head, drops the flowers and trudges back down the hallway as a neighbor wails on the sax…)
(Late that evening back at Watergate, Vincente’s phone rings…)
Cruz: I know.
Cruz: I know, I’m sorry.
Cruz: I’ll assassinate you soon, I swear.
Jackson: You better.