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Presidential Assassinations – Episode 105

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 12/02/2011

President Johnson Jackson wants to kill himself. Hitman Vincente Cruz is the wrong man for the job.

Episode 105 – A Thousand Words

(At 3AM in his Watergate hotel room, Vincente Cruz’s cellphone rings and the hitman leaps out of bed, scrambling to answer it…)

Cruz:  Hello?

Jackson:  Vinny. It’s your client, Vinny. You haven’t done your job, Vinny.

(President Jackson is teetering on the edge of the roof of the White House, stinking drunk…)

Cruz:  Yes, sir. I know, sir. I was sorta incarcerated for a day; but I’m out now and I’m ready to pick up where we left off.

Jackson:  (hiccups)  No that’s alright, Vinny. I’m just gonna take care of everything for you right now. Don’t worry about President Johnson Jackson. He’s gone.

Cruz:  No no no, wait. Please sir, don’t hang up.  I really need that money. Please give me one more chance.

Jackson:  (long sigh)  I don’t know, Vinny. Kinda feel like just ending it tonight.  (looks down at the bright green White House lawn)  It’s a long way down.

Cruz:  I thought you said I was the man for the job. If you have other operatives at the ready, then how vast is this conspiracy? Who do you work for? FBI? CIA?

Jackson:  Let’s just say it goes all the way to the  (hiccups)  top.

Cruz:  Oh, shit. You’re the President?

Jackson:  What? No. …Dammit.


(President Jackson wobbles and steadies himself on an A/C unit, almost dropping his cellphone in the process…)

Cruz:  So you ordered me to assassinate you, because you’re scared to kill yourself?

Jackson:  (hiccups)  Essentially.

Cruz:  You’re the President of the United States. The most powerful man in the world. Why would you wanna off yourself?

Jackson:  Because I’m sick of it, Vinny. The banquets and the fancy dinners and the traveling and the schmoozing and the pretending I actually like that asshole ambassador to Myanmar.

Cruz:  That’s specific.

Jackson:  If I go out now, I’ll be a legend. Lincoln. Kennedy. All great Presidents get assassinated. Except McKinley, he was an asshole.

Cruz:  I don’t think I can do this, Mr. President.

Jackson:  Call me Johnson. And if you don’t kill me, you don’t get the money.

Cruz:  Yeah, but that’s just a job. This is your life.

Jackson:  Your job is to take my life!

Cruz:  Okay. We’re getting into a whole gray area here.

Jackson:  Doesn’t matter anymore anyway. I’m jumping.  (takes a slug of Jim Beam)

Cruz:  Jumping? Where are you right now?

Jackson:  Roof of the White House.  (hiccups)

Cruz:  Isn’t that like a two-story building?

Jackson:  (frowns)  It’ll do the job!

Cruz:  Please don’t do this, sir.

Jackson:  Why shouldn’t I? You’re not gonna help.

Cruz:  I’ll help, I’ll help. Just…don’t jump.

Jackson:  What? Can’t hear you. Plummeting to my death.

Cruz:  What? NO!

Jackson:  Haha, jk. That means ‘just kidding’, Vinny.

Cruz:  Yes, sir.

Jackson:  You promise you’re gonna help kill me?

Cruz:  Yes, sir.

Jackson:  Triple fudge promise with a cherry on top you’ll assassinate me, Vinny?

Cruz:  (sighs)  Yes, sir.

Jackson:  Good. I feel better already.

Cruz:  That’s great to hear, Mr. Pr–er, Johnson.

Jackson:  Welp. I’m gonna get off this roof now somehow. I’ll give you a ring in the morning and we’ll hammer out the details.

Cruz:  Yes, sir.

Jackson:  (takes another belt of Jim Beam)  Oof. Make that the afternoon.

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