Presidential Assassinations – Episode 104
President Johnson Jackson wants to kill himself. Hitman Vincente Cruz is the wrong man for the job.
Episode 104 – Protection Racket
Jackson: C’mon, c’mon. Pick up, ya dingus.
(President Johnson Jackson is drumming his fingers on the Resolute Desk as he dials hitman Vincente Cruz…)
Cruz: You’ve reached Vincente. I can’t come to the phone right now–
(The President angrily hangs up and redials…)
Jackson: Uh, yes. Hello, who is this?
Holt: This is Officer Clem Holt. Who’s this?
Jackson: Uh, I’m trying to get in touch with a Mr. Cruz.
Holt: This is Mr. Cruz’s phone. It’s being held in the evidence locker here at D.C. City Prison with the rest of Mr. Cruz’s belongings.
Jackson: Long shot: Is Mr. Cruz also being held along with his belongings?
Holt: Yes, sir.
Jackson: Awesome. Bye.
(Gloria is glowering through a thick pane of security glass at her boyfriend Vincente explaining himself over the phone…)
Cruz: And so that’s why I couldn’t make it to dinner.
Gloria: They say you were trying to kill the President.
Cruz: C’mon, babe. You know that’s a load of hogwash. They’re just trying to pin the blame on somebody. Besides, the President wasn’t even hit! How do you know I–er he, the bad guy wasn’t aiming at the coffee shop barista?
Gloria: I don’t think I can be with somebody who was suspected of assassinating the President.
(Gloria hangs up and walks out. Vincente stands up and bangs on the glass…)
Cruz: But I didn’t even–he didn’t even hit him!
(President Jackson hollers for Deputy Chief of Staff Jeremy Grimes, who comes hustling into the Oval Office…)
Grimes: Yes, Mr. President.
Jackson: How long has it been since I pardoned somebody?
Grimes: Never, sir. Remember? One of your campaign promises was no more Presidential pardons?
Jackson: Aw, a few won’t hurt.
Grimes: We’ve actually got that Pakistan situation…
Jackson: Great. So let’s start with D.C. City Prison. (hands Jeremy a large folder) I’ve got a couple names circled there on the top page. If you can just take care of that.
Grimes: You want to just release criminals into the streets?
Jackson: (chortling) Jeremy, you act like we don’t have sidewalks.
Grimes: This man killed someone.
Jackson: Maybe the guy he killed was a jerk.
Grimes: This one is a multiple-convicted rapist.
Jackson: And I’m sure he’s learned his lesson.
Grimes: This man’s one of the suspects in last week’s assassination attempt.
Jackson: Seems like a good egg.
Grimes: He had a rifle in the backseat with bullets matching the ones fired at you.
Jackson: This is America. Everybody has guns these days. Can never be too careful.
Grimes: I can’t say I agree with any of this, sir.
Jackson: Who’s the President, Jeremy?
Jackson: I say who’s the President, Jeremy?
Grimes: You are, sir.
Jackson: Thanks, Jer.
Holt: Looks like it’s your lucky day, son.
Cruz: S’pose so.
Holt: Here’s your stuffs back. Got a call while you was in the slammer, came up on the caller ID. You got a friend named, ‘Prez’?
Cruz: More of an acquaintance, really.