Totally Radical Sportz!

Presidential Assassinations – Episode 103

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 11/18/2011

President Johnson Jackson wants to kill himself. Hitman Vincente Cruz is the wrong man for the job.

Episode 103 – Central Intelligence

(Assassin Vincente Cruz is driving his rental car back to the Watergate when he gets a call from his girlfriend, Gloria…)

Gloria:  Vincente, did you see on the news? Someone shot at the President!

Cruz:  Oh yeah, I saw that. He missed, though. Probably because the wind took it; because I imagine he’s a very very good assassin. Where are you? Are you alright?

Gloria:  I’m okay. I’m back at the hotel. Are you almost done with work? I think I wanna go home.

Cruz:  Actually babe, not quite yet. I think I’m gonna have to stay here a couple more days. Maybe you should just head back to Philly without me.

Gloria:  We hardly got to spend any time together this weekend.

Cruz:  Not true. I took you to that Five Guys.

Gloria:  Vincente.

Cruz:  Fine. I wanted it to be a surprise, but I’m taking you to a five-star restaurant tonight for a romantic dinner.

Gloria:  Oh, Vincente! At Le Beouf Bourquois?

Cruz:  Uh, yup. That’s the one. Whoops, got another call babe.

Gloria:  K. Love you.

Cruz:  Alright.

(Vincente hangs up, dials another number and a Frenchman answers…)

Frenchman:  Au baw baw?

Cruz:  Yeah, hi. Is this Le Beouf Bourquois?

Frenchman:  Au baw baw.

~~~

(Back in the Oval Office, President Johnson Jackson is being treated by a White House doctor while Secret Service Agent Jack Cassius briefs him on the assassination attempt. First Lady Belle Jackson looks on in concern…)

Cassius:  Mr. President, I’m going to need to double your security detail for the time being. I want a man on you at all times.

Jackson:  That’s what she said. But you know, Jack; I’m not even sure that bullet was meant for me. Maybe that coffee house barista had enemies.

Cassius:  Sir.

Jackson:  No. Now hear me out, Jack. The coffee industry is cutthroat. You screw up the wrong man’s order or take a little too long stirring that cappuccino and you never know what could happen. These are violent times we live in.

Cassius:  Sir, I highly doubt an assassin’s rifle was aimed at a coffee house barista at the exact moment he was waiting on the most powerful man in the world.

Jackson:  I’m just saying let’s look into it.

Belle:  Johnson.

Jackson:  Fine.

Cassius:  Sir. I’m going to make it my personal mission to find this assassin, bring him to justice and make him pay for what he tried to do to the leader of the free world.

Jackson:  Well now, let’s not go crazy.

Cassius:  Pardon me, sir?

Jackson:  Let’s not go hunting down assassins left and right. The guy made a mistake.

Cassius:  With all due respect, Mr. President. He almost killed you.

Jackson:  He didn’t even hit me! Clearly he’s not a threat. He’s a very very crappy assassin and I don’t know why anybody would be stupid enough to hire him; even though it is extremely hard to hire a hitman these days and how are you supposed to know he would be that bad. I mean, am I right?

Belle:  Johnson, what in the hell are you talking about?

Cassius:  Are you feeling alright, sir?

Jackson:  Um, no. Trauma from the assassination attempt. Probably need a nap.

~~~

(Vincente is still on the phone with the Frenchman when a squad car pulls into his lane behind him…)

Cruz:  No, “res-er-va-tion”. Are there any Americans that work there? Or at least a Mexican in the back? Ah, crap.

(The squad car flips the siren and Vincente hangs up and pulls over. An officer gets out and knocks on his window…)

Officer:  Son, do you know it is illegal to be on your phone while operating a motor vehicle?

Cruz:  Yes, officer. I’m sorry. It’s my last night in town with my girlfriend and I was trying to set up a dinner; but I don’t speak French.

Officer:  Mmhmm. Your girlfriend’s French?

Cruz:  No, the restaurant is.

Officer:  I understand, sir. What’s that in the back seat?

(A bead of sweat forms at the top of Vincente’s forehead…)

Cruz:  A guitar case.

Officer:  Would you mind opening that case for me, sir.

Cruz:  I’d rather not.

Officer:  Sir, are you aware there was an attempted Presidential assassination not four blocks from where we stand at this very moment?

Cruz:  Oh my gosh, is the President alright?

Officer:  He’s fine, sir. But the assassin is unfortunately still at large. So I ask again: Would you mind opening that case for me, sir?

Cruz:  (fake-guffaws)  C’mon, officer. Do you actually think an assassin would be stupid enough to hide a gun in a guitar case?

~~~

(That evening Gloria is seated at a table in Le Beouf Bourquois in a slim red dress, when the waiter hands her a phone…)

Frenchman Waiter:  Au baw baw.

Gloria:  Thank you. Hello?

(Vincente is in an orange jumpsuit at D.C. City Prison…)

Cruz:  Hey, babe. I don’t think I’m gonna make it.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: