Totally Radical Sportz!

Faulk ‘N Schette: Buddy Cops – Episode 206

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 11/09/2011

They’re cops. They’re buddies. They’re buddy cops. This is their story.

Episode 206 –The Sweetest Wine

Chief:  Faulk and Schette, get in here!

(Det.’s Harry Schette and Ricky Faulk hustle into Chief Armando Galarraga’s office at Central Division, where they’re met by a handsome older Hispanic gentleman…)

Schette:  Who’s this, Chief? Your esé?

Chief:  Men, this is Mayor Lopez Maldonado. He’d like to speak with you two.

Mayor:  (smiling at the Chief)  In private, if I could.

(Chief Galarraga exits his office muttering something about the MI-5 and “not being wanted”…)

Mayor:  Gentlemen, I told your Chief I wanted to speak with you about my security detail. In all honesty, I have something far more private to discuss.

Schette:  (nodding)  You think your wife’s cheating on you. She’s married to the Mayor of Los Angeles, so I’m assuming she’s crazy hot. Probably getting banged on Rodeo Drive as we speak.

Mayor:  What?

Faulk:  (in Harry’s ear)  Stop assuming everybody’s cheating on everybody else, Harry.

Schette:  This is Hollywood, baby. Be somebody!

Mayor:  No, I’m afraid you’re close; but you’ve got the roles reversed.

Schette:  So…your wife’s the man?

Mayor:  What? No. I’m the one who cheated.

Schette:  Aha! See?  (elbows Ricky)  I knew somebody was banging somebody.

Mayor:  Back when I was on City Council, I allegedly had an encounter with an aide.

Schette:  (puts an arm across Ricky’s chest)  Ooh, you got the bug? Don’t touch him, Ricky. Don’t touch him!

Faulk:  Please go on, Mr. Mayor.

Mayor:  Anyway, this aide is going to be coming forward soon and I’d really rather she didn’t.

Schette:  So you want us to kill her?

Mayor:  (pointing at Harry)  Does he have to be here for this?

Faulk:  Unfortunately.

Mayor:  I just need her to…reconsider her stance. I have a reelection campaign to run and I can’t afford another scandal. I was told you two are the men who get things done around here and can be discreet.

Schette:  Oh, we’re extremely discreet. We’re working with the Russian Mob and we haven’t told nobody!


(Harry and Ricky are outside the aide — Annette Dennehy’s — apartment in Burbank…)

Faulk:  Ms. Annette Denne–holy cow.

(A woman with a unibrow and a cleft palate smiles at the detectives…)

Dennehy:  Yes, I’m Annette. Can I help you officers?

Schette:  (frowning)  Are you the Annette Dennehy? The one who Mayor Maldonado slept with?

Faulk:  Allegedly slept with.

Dennehy:  Yes, that’s me.

Schette:  You’re sure.

Dennehy:  Yes. Is this about the case?

Schette:  (pulls Ricky aside)  Is the Mayor blind? Like that Jersey Mayor?

Faulk:  He was the Governor. And I’m pretty sure he can see.

Schette:  Then… (glances at Annette scratching her unibrow) …why?

Faulk:  (shrugs)  Maybe she has a great personality.

Dennehy:  (farts)  Oops, ‘scuse me.

Faulk:  See? She’s polite.

Schette:  Ms. Dennehy, if you’ll please come with us down to the station; we just have a couple more questions about your statement.

Dennehy:  Certainly. Lemme just go put my sweatpants on.

(Harry glances down at Annette’s extremely hairy legs as she turns back inside and covers his mouth and dry-heaves…)

Schette:  Oh my God, I thought she was wearing fur pants!


(On the way back to the station, Ricky gets a call from Petrov Gchev, manager of Rublov Tire Supply…)

Faulk:  It’s Petrov. There’s an emergency at Rublov’s.

Schette:  (turns to Annette in the back seat)  Annette, sweetie. We’ve just gotta make a quick pit stop. Is that alright?

Dennehy:  (shrugs)  Fine by me. I’ll just sit back here and hum old Scandinavian nursery rhymes.

Schette:  Wow. She really is the worst.


(At Rublov Tire Supply, Annette is humming loudly and tone-deafly while Harry and Ricky are in the garage with Petrov…)

Schette:  Where’s my main man Andrei at?

Gchev:  He is not here. I did not want to worry him. There has been prison break.

Faulk:  Oh yeah, I heard about that. At Arizona State Prison last night. Anyone we know?

Gchev:  There is a man, Kogrov. Andrei have history with him. He Chechen rebel. Very bad man. I believe he come to city to kill Andrei.

Schette:  Well, we can’t have that.

Faulk:  What does he look like?

Gchev:  (hands Harry a photograph)

Schette:  Yup. Mustache. Scowl. He looks Chechen, alright. Or Russian. Or any other Eastern European country, really. Where would he be if he was in town?

Gchev:  Is bar in Little Chechnya called Pogrom’s Inn. He probably there drinking Chechen wine, which is urine of horse.

Schette:  At a bar drinking horse urine, got it.

(The detectives get back in Harry’s car and he turns back to Annette…)

Schette:  We gotta make another stop in Little Checnya. That cool?

Dennehy:  Oh my gosh, have you guys ever tried Chechen wine?


(At Pogrom’s Inn in Little Chechnya — a block of rundown buildings neighboring Little Sarajevo — Harry and Ricky spot a man matching Kogrov’s description seated at the bar and sit down on either side of him…)

Faulk:  Mr. Kogrov?

Kogrov:  Who asking?

Faulk:  We work for Andrei Rublov.

Kogrov:  Kiev scum.

Faulk:  We understand you’re in town to pay him a visit.

Schette:  (waving at the bartender)  Barkeep!

Kogrov:  I no want to see Andrei Rublov face ever again.

Faulk:  We’ve received intel you want to kill him.

Kogrov:  I no kill nobody. Is done with ways of past.

Schette:  (waves with both hands)  What. This guy can’t see?

Faulk:  Well in any case, Rublov’s men are going to be gunning for you. We think it’s best you come with us.

Kogrov:  Why? So you can take me back to desert prison?

Faulk:  Please, Mr. Kogrov. Let’s not make this difficult.

Schette:  (hollering down the bar)  You only speak Chechen or something? El drinko!

Kogrov:  Fine. I don’t want any trouble. I just wanted to have one last drink in nice Chechen bar.  (grins)  Is good to know Rublov still fear me, though.

(Ricky handcuffs Kogrov and Harry picks up the ex-Chechen rebel’s glass…)

Schette:  Lemme just see what this Chechen horse pee wine everybody’s yappin’ about tastes like, anyway.  (swigs, gags)  Oh, God! That’s horrible!

Kogrov:  That Heineken.


(Kogrov is thrown in the back seat with Annnette…)

Kogrov:  (smiles)  Hello, pretty lady.

Schette:  Blech. Really, Kogrov?

Dennehy:  Who is this man?

Faulk:  Just somebody we gotta take back to the station.

Dennehy:  Is he dangerous?

Schette:  Yeah, he’s a murderer. So just stay on your side of the seat.


(Twenty minutes later, the car is pulling into the Central Division parking garage. Ricky turns around to see Kogrov and Annette passionately making out…)

Faulk:  Oh, come on!

Schette:  (turning around)  What? Oh, grody!

Dennehy:  We’re in love!

Kogrov:  (lipstick all over his face)  I love this girl!

Faulk:  Seriously? You just met.

Dennehy:  (holding up her ring finger)  We’re getting married!

Faulk:  What? Where’d you get that?

Kogrov:  Is old Kogrov family heirloom.

Faulk:  Wait a minute. Didn’t I cuff you?

Dennehy:  I picked it with my steel unibrow comb. Hope that’s okay.

Kogrov:  (hands Ricky his cuffs)

Faulk:  They make combs for that?

Schette:  You know they make razors, too.

Faulk:  Well, this is all wonderful. But it’s gonna have to be a prison wedding. We gotta take Kogrov back to Arizona.

Kogrov:  No! I don’t want to go!

Schette:  That’s what they all say.

Denney:  Please, detectives. Can’t you just let us go? You’ll never hear from us again, I promise.

(Harry and Ricky huddle in the front seat to discuss and turn back to the lovebirds…)

Faulk:  Alright, two conditions. You can’t testify against Mayor Maldonado.

Dennehy:  Done.

Faulk:  And you can’t kill Andrei Rublov.

Kogrov:  Reluctantly done.

Schette:  (pops the lock on the backdoor, smiling)  Then I now pronounce you husband and wife.

(The couple hugs and exits the vehicle. Harry pokes his head out the window…)

Schette:  But you should probably still go to a priest or whatever to make it official and stuff.

Comments Off on Faulk ‘N Schette: Buddy Cops – Episode 206

%d bloggers like this: