Presidential Assassinations – Episode 101
Episode 101 – The Assassin
Cruz: Stop movin’, ya bugger.
(Assassin Vincente Cruz is in a Philadelphia high-rise, aiming his high-powered rifle at Hungarian Prime Minister Gádfrey Arthursz, sitting at an outdoor cafe across the street…)
Cruz: The Serbs aren’t gonna pay me if you keep fidgeting like that.
(The PM coughs violently, drops his napkin and bends over to pick it up…)
Cruz: Ugh. You are the worst target ever.
(Vincente’s cellphone rings and he nearly drops his rifle out the window…)
Cruz: Crap! Forgot to put it on vibrate. Yello?
Caller: Is this Vincente Cruz?
Cruz: Who is this?
Caller: I’m a client. And I would like to make you a very rich man.
Cruz: Okay. But I’ve gotta kill this Hungarian, so speak fast.
Caller: Can you be discreet?
Cruz: Uh, yeah. Sure. I was just joking about that Hungarian.
Caller: There is a high-value target that I’d like you to eliminate.
Cruz: “High-value”? That’ll be extra. Who’s the target?
Caller: The President of the United States.
Cruz: (swallows gum)
(President Johnson Jackson is sitting at the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office doodling, when his wife, First Lady Belle Jackson, enters…)
Belle: Johnson, what are you still doing here?
Jackson: Uh, vetoing stuff?
Belle: We’ve got the State dinner in a half hour. Go get your tux on.
Jackson: Ugh. I’m tired of State dinners. Can I skip it?
Belle: You’re the President of the United States, it’s a dinner in your honor and you’re giving a speech. So, no. Not so much.
Jackson: If you ask me, being the President is a big ‘ol pile of baloney. You know I found my first gray hair this morning?
Belle: You’re getting older and you’re in a stress-filled job. It’s natural. You look fine.
Jackson: Well, I don’t feel fine. Can I quit?
Jackson: Can I get impeached?
Belle: Have you done anything impeachable?
Belle: Then, no.
Jackson: I could, though.
Belle: Please don’t.
(Vincente Cruz has scrapped the Hungarian mission and is packing a bag in his girlfriend Gloria’s apartment…)
Gloria: Where are you going now?
Cruz: Washington, babe. Got a job for the weekend.
Gloria: Cool. Can I come?
Cruz: Probably should steer clear of the city for the weekend. Could be hectic.
Gloria: You never take me anywhere.
Cruz: I took you to that new Five Guys last Saturday.
Cruz: (sighs) Fine. But I’m gonna be real busy.
Gloria: (jumps into her boyfriend’s arms) I’ll find something to do. I’ll stay out of your hair.
Cruz: Cool. Help me with this guitar case?
Jackson: …and America and stuff.
(President Jackson wraps up his State dinner remarks to tepid applause and returns to his table…)
Vice President Jack Herb: (smirking) Helluva speech, Mr. President.
Jackson: Fuck you, Herb.
Herb: Whoa, hey. Take it easy, Jackson.
Belle: (glares) Johnson!
Jackson: Sorry, Jack. Think I’m just tired.
Herb: You don’t look too hot. Maybe you should head home and get some rest.
Belle: He’s fine. Aren’t you, Johnson?
(An older man comes up to the table and shakes the President’s hand…)
Gleason: Mr. President, I’d just like to thank you for everything you’ve done for our party.
Jackson: Oh hey, no problem. Thanks, man. Much love.
(The entire table snickers…)
Herb: That’s Gregory Gleason. The leading contributor to the opposing party. He zinged you good, Prez.
Jackson: Aw, politics is mean.
(That evening, after checking into a tenth-story room at the Watergate Hotel; Vincente is out on the balcony when he receives a call…)
Cruz: Yello? Cruz, here.
Caller: Mr. Cruz, I understand you’ve arrived in Washington. Are you prepared to execute your mission?
Cruz: Yup, ready to kill the President.
Caller: Well, don’t say that over the phone!
Cruz: Nah, it’s all good. We’re on a secure line.
Caller: I’m beginning to worry that you’re not the best man for this job.
Cruz: Sure I am. I’m reliable. I’m punctual. I’m a third thing. If you want the President deaded, I’m your man. Besides, I didn’t even vote for the guy.
Caller: You voted for the other guy?
Cruz: Nah, I don’t vote. Not a big politics guy. So, where do we wanna do this?
Caller: Tomorrow, President Jackson is giving a speech at the Vietnam War Memorial. Complete the mission and ten million dollars will be wired directly to your offshore account.
Cruz: Cool beans. Byeee!
(President Johnson Jackson hangs up and leans back at his desk in the Oval Office as a janitor vacuums in the adjoining office…)
Jackson: Hmmm. Which tie should I wear for my assassination?