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Presidential Assassinations – Episode 101

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 11/08/2011

Episode 101 – The Assassin

Cruz:  Stop movin’, ya bugger.

(Assassin Vincente Cruz is in a Philadelphia high-rise, aiming his high-powered rifle at Hungarian Prime Minister Gádfrey Arthursz, sitting at an outdoor cafe across the street…)

Cruz:  The Serbs aren’t gonna pay me if you keep fidgeting like that.

(The PM coughs violently, drops his napkin and bends over to pick it up…)

Cruz:  Ugh. You are the worst target ever.

(Vincente’s cellphone rings and he nearly drops his rifle out the window…)

Cruz:  Crap! Forgot to put it on vibrate. Yello?

Caller:  Is this Vincente Cruz?

Cruz:  Who is this?

Caller:  I’m a client. And I would like to make you a very rich man.

Cruz:  Okay. But I’ve gotta kill this Hungarian, so speak fast.

Caller:  Can you be discreet?

Cruz:  Uh, yeah. Sure. I was just joking about that Hungarian.

Caller:  There is a high-value target that I’d like you to eliminate.

Cruz:  “High-value”? That’ll be extra. Who’s the target?

Caller:  The President of the United States.

Cruz:  (swallows gum)


(President Johnson Jackson is sitting at the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office doodling, when his wife, First Lady Belle Jackson, enters…)

Belle:  Johnson, what are you still doing here?

Jackson:  Uh, vetoing stuff?

Belle:  We’ve got the State dinner in a half hour. Go get your tux on.

Jackson:  Ugh. I’m tired of State dinners. Can I skip it?

Belle:  You’re the President of the United States, it’s a dinner in your honor and you’re giving a speech. So, no. Not so much.

Jackson:  If you ask me, being the President is a big ‘ol pile of baloney. You know I found my first gray hair this morning?

Belle:  You’re getting older and you’re in a stress-filled job. It’s natural. You look fine.

Jackson:  Well, I don’t feel fine. Can I quit?

Belle:  No.

Jackson:  Can I get impeached?

Belle:  Have you done anything impeachable?

Jackson:  No.

Belle:  Then, no.

Jackson:  I could, though.

Belle:  Please don’t.


(Vincente Cruz has scrapped the Hungarian mission and is packing a bag in his girlfriend Gloria’s apartment…)

Gloria:  Where are you going now?

Cruz:  Washington, babe. Got a job for the weekend.

Gloria:  Cool. Can I come?

Cruz:  Probably should steer clear of the city for the weekend. Could be hectic.

Gloria:  You never take me anywhere.

Cruz:  I took you to that new Five Guys last Saturday.

Gloria:  Vincente.

Cruz:  (sighs)  Fine. But I’m gonna be real busy.

Gloria:  (jumps into her boyfriend’s arms)  I’ll find something to do. I’ll stay out of your hair.

Cruz:  Cool. Help me with this guitar case?


Jackson:  …and America and stuff.

(President Jackson wraps up his State dinner remarks to tepid applause and returns to his table…)

Vice President Jack Herb:  (smirking)  Helluva speech, Mr. President.

Jackson:  Fuck you, Herb.

Herb:  Whoa, hey. Take it easy, Jackson.

Belle:  (glares)  Johnson!

Jackson:  Sorry, Jack. Think I’m just tired.

Herb:  You don’t look too hot. Maybe you should head home and get some rest.

Belle:  He’s fine. Aren’t you, Johnson?

Jackson:  Yup.

(An older man comes up to the table and shakes the President’s hand…)

Gleason:  Mr. President, I’d just like to thank you for everything you’ve done for our party.

Jackson:  Oh hey, no problem. Thanks, man. Much love.

(The entire table snickers…)

Jackson:  What?

Herb:  That’s Gregory Gleason. The leading contributor to the opposing party. He zinged you good, Prez.

Jackson:  Aw, politics is mean.


(That evening, after checking into a tenth-story room at the Watergate Hotel; Vincente is out on the balcony when he receives a call…)

Cruz:  Yello? Cruz, here.

Caller:  Mr. Cruz, I understand you’ve arrived in Washington. Are you prepared to execute your mission?

Cruz:  Yup, ready to kill the President.

Caller:  Well, don’t say that over the phone!

Cruz:  Nah, it’s all good. We’re on a secure line.

Caller:  I’m beginning to worry that you’re not the best man for this job.

Cruz:  Sure I am. I’m reliable. I’m punctual. I’m a third thing. If you want the President deaded, I’m your man. Besides, I didn’t even vote for the guy.

Caller:  You voted for the other guy?

Cruz:  Nah, I don’t vote. Not a big politics guy. So, where do we wanna do this?

Caller:  Tomorrow, President Jackson is giving a speech at the Vietnam War Memorial. Complete the mission and ten million dollars will be wired directly to your offshore account.

Cruz:  Cool beans. Byeee!


(President Johnson Jackson hangs up and leans back at his desk in the Oval Office as a janitor vacuums in the adjoining office…)

Jackson:  Hmmm. Which tie should I wear for my assassination?

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