Faulk ‘N Schette: Buddy Cops – Episode 205
They’re cops. They’re buddies. They’re buddy cops. This is their story.
Episode 205 – The Iron Lady
(Harry is sitting at his desk playing Solitaire when he hears a roar of laughter coming from Chief Galarraga’s office…)
Voice: Crikey! Blimey! Bloody hell! (uproarious laughter)
Schette: What the?
Voice: The Queen Mum! Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! (uproarious laughter)
Schette: Is that?
Voice: Bollocks! (uproarious laughter)
Schette: (eyes narrow) The British.
(Det. Harry Schette busts into his boss’ office to find Galarraga surrounded by four tubby Englishmen…)
Englishman: And who’s this ruddy darby, eh?
Schette: I knew I smelled fish ‘n chips. Who are these guys, Señor Armando?
Chief: These men are with MI-5, Harry. The loud one is Agent Tolliver Allibaster. They’re going to be helping us investigate the Borscht Crime Syndicate.
Schette: But that’s our case!
Allibaster: (slaps Harry on the back) Not anymore, ya bloomer!
Schette: (frustrated) I don’t know what his words mean!
Agent Finnegan: It means you’re a bloody tosser. (uproarious laughter)
Chief: He he, easy boys.
Faulk: (enters the office) What’s going on here?
Schette: Stupid jerk MI-5 is taking over our case.
Chief: Now, they’re not taking over. They’re merely assisting.
(A stunning young brunette in a tight skirt sashays into the office and all the men stand at attention…)
Faulkland: Actually Chief Galarraga, that man in your employ was right the first time. We’ll be taking the lead on this case from here on out.
Chief: Faulk and Schette, this is Lead Agent Gwinnifer Faulkland.
Schette: (getting up in Agent Faulkland’s face) MI-5, eh? Not bright enough for MI-6?
Faulkland: (eyes narrow) Bright enough to be your new boss.
Chief: He he, feel like I’m kinda losing control here.
Schette: (thrusting a finger in Faulkland’s chest) Listen, lady. I don’t have to take this crap from some Queen-lovin’, codswallopin’, lily-livered, Revolution-losin’ pansy!
Allibaster: (clenching his fists) Want me to wallop him good, guv?
Faulkland: That won’t be necessary, Agent Allibaster. Detective Schette. From here on out, you and your partner, Det. Faulk, answer to me. Any information you gain from your dealings with Andrei Rublov and the Borscht Crime Syndicate must be immediately relayed directly to me. Any more murders or lesser criminal acts will be your responsibility and you will have to face the consequences of your actions once this case has been completed. Your Chief, Armando Galarraga, played fast and loose with the rules, lost control and a County Sheriff was killed. Your days of sliding by are over. Have I made myself clear?
Schette: (red-faced) You’re pretty and I like your freckles and I’m intimidated by you sexually. (storms out)
Chief: So…can I just head home for the day?
(Harry is driving angrily, cutting people off in traffic; while Ricky hangs on in the passenger’s seat…)
Faulk: What the heck was that back there?
Schette: (squinting in the rear-view mirror) Looked like a Ford Bronco. Do they still make those?
Faulk: No, back at the station with Agent Faulkland. “I like your freckles”?
Schette: Oh. I dunno, man. Her eyes are like liquid sodium pentathol.
Faulk: I don’t know what those words mean.
Schette: I don’t think I can lie to her.
Faulk: This could be bad.
Schette: No more criminal acts? How does she expect us to do our jobs without breaking the law?
Faulk: It definitely cuts against the grain of our previous experience in law enforcement.
Schette: What do we tell Rublov?
Faulk: Nothing. He can’t know that the British are involved. If he finds out that the investigation against him has gone international, he might get spooked and flee back to Mother Russia. We’re in now. Sheriff Costella’s gone and Andrei trusts us. We’ve got to maintain that trust for as long as we possibly can.
Schette: Well if there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s maintaining trust. Now help me think up a lie so my wife doesn’t find out I got my wedding ring stuck in this Pez dispenser.
(Harry and Ricky arrive at Rublov Tire Supply to the sound of gunshots and barricade themselves behind their car doors…)
Faulk: (hollering) Gchev! You in there?
(Store manager Petrov Gchev runs outside, waving a pistol…)
Gchev: Detectives, inside! Is problem!
(The detectives reluctantly shuffle into the offices, through the garage…)
Schette: (muttering to Ricky) Who are they killing this time?
(Ricky glances at the henchmen standing on desks, guns drawn…)
Faulk: Sounds like a John Woo movie in here. What’s going on?
Gchev: Is squirrel.
Faulk: A squirrel.
Gchev: It got in office and is running amok. Please help.
Schette: (shaking his head) You guys are such wimps. No wonder you lost the Cold War.
Squirrel: (pokes head out from under desk) Eee-eee-eee-eee!
(Harry shrieks, leaps up onto a desk and hugs Ivan, the henchman…)
Schette: Eek! Kill it! Kill it!
(Ricky tries to step on the squirrel, slips and knocks two desks over. Gchev fires wildly…)
Faulk: Watch where you’re aiming that thing, Petrov!
(Rublov stumbles into the office, vodka bottle in hand…)
Rublov: What is meaning of this?
Gchev: Is squirrel, boss. It run amok like Bullwinkle friend, causing much mischief.
Rublov: And you solve problem with gun?
Gchev: That first lesson you teach us. “Have problem. Solve with gun.”
Rublov: Squirrel is rodent. Like rat. In order to catch rat, you have to be patient.
Schette: (glances at Ricky, gulps)
Rublov: (opens a window) You have to entice rat, make him think he has a way out. Show him ray of light.
(The squirrel slinks slowly toward the open window, leaps onto the sill…)
Rublov: And then when rat tries to escape, you strike!
(Andrei smashes the vodka bottle down on the squirrel’s head and tosses the carcass out the window…)
Rublov: That is how you stop a rat.
(The henchmen applaud and fire their guns into the ceiling. Andrei notices the detectives and helps Harry down off the desk…)
Rublov: My boys!
Schette: I totally woulda had that squirrel-rat, Andrei.
Rublov: (pats Schette on the head) I’m sure you would have, Harry.
Faulk: Mr. Rublov, we wanna talk to you about the Sheriff.
Rublov: To the tea shop, boys.
Schette: Yay, tea!
(At Rublov’s Russian tea shop down the street, on the outdoor patio…)
Rublov: Cyrus Costella was my problem and I took care of him. We had long complicate history together. It had nothing to do with you boys and nothing will come back on you. But I do appreciate your informational assistance.
Faulk: Going forward, Mr. Rublov, we can’t be involved in any more murders or assassinations. We can help you in other ways; but we can’t have blood on our hands.
Rublov: From where I sit, your hands look clean.
Schette: (looks down, wipes peanut buttery fingers on his slacks)
Faulk: Let us help the Syndicate in other ways. With the drugs, or the guns or the human trafficking.
Schette: Yeah, or the drugs.
Rublov: (loudly, to empty patio) I know nothing of such things. (leans in, grabs Ricky by the sleeve) We will continue our working relationship precisely as we began it. Or else Sheriff will not be last badge I bury. Is understood?
Faulk: (stares down at his tea cup) Yes, sir.
Rublov: (lets go of Ricky’s sleeve, smiling) Good. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have Los Angeles Kings hockey game to attend. It humors me to watch the American hockey with its padding and safety precautions.
(Andrei gets up to leave and Faulk and Schette sit and finish their tea…)
Schette: So…do we tell Agent Faulkland about the squirrel?