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Faulk ‘N Schette: Buddy Cops – Episode 115

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 10/11/2011

They’re cops. They’re buddies. They’re buddy cops. This is their story.

Episode 115 – Harry And The Dynamite

(Det.’s Faulk and Schette are in Oliver Butler’s Long Island stash house with Yuri Brgochev, discussing the Afghanistani drug cartel..)

Butler:  Those dirty Afghans are the only thing standing between me and complete control of this city’s heroin drug trade.

Schette:  Hold on, I’m confused again. Why are we talking about blankets?

Faulk:  We’re not. The Afghanistanis?

Schette:  (blank stare)

Faulk:  (sighs)  The…”brown people”.

Schette:  Oh, right. Brown people, gotcha.

Butler:  Wow. That is extremely racist.

Schette:  Oh, it’s not about race. It’s just a mnemonic device I use to remember them, because the drugs they sell are brown.

Butler:  I guess that makes sense.

Schette:  Also, their skin.

Butler:  Anyway, we need you boys to help us take them down.

Faulk:  We’re actually already working on a case to bring down the entire operation. So that shouldn’t be a problem.

Butler:  We need them taken down today.

Schette:  That should be a problem.

Faulk:  Mr. Butler, if you just let us handle this our way, everybody can be taken in without arousing suspicion.

Butler:  That’s the thing. I want to arouse suspicion. I want the lowlifes of this city to know there’s a new game in town. If those junkies wanna shoot up, they’re gonna be shooting grey tar Herzegovinian heroin into their veins.

Schette:  Grey? Isn’t it s’posed to be black?

Brgochev:  Black tar heroin? What are we, millionaire?

Butler:  I am.

Brgochev:  In Herzegovine, our poppies ripen into a rich colorful grey. Like Herzegovinian sky. Always.

Schette:  (turning to Ricky)  Wow. That was like a poem. A sad, sad poem.

Butler:  So, we’re in agreement? The Afghans are to be taken down today.

Faulk:  And how do you expect us to take down a vast drug smuggling operation in a five-story abandoned blanket factory in a day?

(Oliver motions the detectives into the backyard and has Yuri unlock the shed..)

Butler:  With this.

Faulk:  Wow. That is a lot of dynamite.

Schette:  (immediately grabs a stick, lights it and waves it around)  Dyn-o-mite!


(Harry and Ricky are driving back into the city..)

Schette:  I’m sorry. I got excited.

Faulk:  Tell that to Mr. Butler’s neighbors.

Schette:  I yelled ‘Fore!’

Faulk:  Doesn’t really apply in that situation.

Schette:  Let’s just get back to the 47th and let the Chief know we’re accelerating our case and taking everybody down today.

Faulk:  You think he’s gonna buy it?

Schette:  He’s so worried about the precinct getting shut down and everybody losing their jobs; he doesn’t know what’s what.

Faulk:  Isn’t that something we should kinda be worrying about too?

Schette:  (shrugs)  I updated my resume. I’m good. Let’s swing by your place and pick up Pip on the way.

Faulk:   What do we need Pip for?

Schette:  He knows that Afghani drug factory like the back of his tiny little orphan hand. We’re not blowin’ that bitch up without him.

Faulk:  Right. No big deal. Just driving into a police precinct with an Afghani orphan boy and a trunk full of illegal dynamite.

Schette:  (steers with his knees, pulls out another stick, lights it and waves it around)  Dyn-o-mite!


(Pip the orphan boy is looking up at the bright blue skies above..)

Pip:  Didn’t this car once have a roof?

Faulk:  (glares at his partner)

Schette:  I’m sorry.

Faulk:  (glares)

Schette:  Look, it’s not your car!

Faulk:  (glares)

Schette:  …

Faulk:  (glares)

Schette:  Do you wanna light the next one?


Chief:  And you think you can take down the entire Afghani drug cartel in a day?

Schette:  We’ve got a…contingency plan.  (winks)

Chief:  Schette, why did you just wink at me?

Schette:  I…like you?

Chief:  Are you gonna do something stupid?

Schette:  (shrugs)  Probably.

Faulk:  With the intel we’ve collected from Pip here and some sources on the street, we believe today is the day to act.

Chief:  What about the man who shot the German documentary filmmaker, Fistschizer? Has he been identified as one of the Afghanis at the factory?

Schette:  He’s definitely one of ’em. We’ll know for sure when we round ’em all up. And then all our problems will be solved!

Chief:  (pondering)  The Commissioner did say if we get big numbers this month, there’s a chance we could save our jobs.

Schette:  Well, there ya go. Let’s go blow up some Afghans. I mean, arrest some Afghans.

Chief:  (eyes narrow)

Schette:  (winks nervously)

Chief:  Get out.


(Harry, Ricky and Pip are on the roof of the building facing the rear of the Afghan blanket factory/drug warehouse..)

Faulk:  Now the question is, how do we get a trunk full of dynamite into a drug cartel’s secret warehouse without them noticing?

Schette:  We could light a fuse, push the car down that ramp and watch it blow up in the middle of the warehouse.

Faulk:  Too risky. We could package the dynamite as a crate of heroin and have Pip deliver it, since they already know his face.

Pip:  Too risky. We could wait ’til closing time and sneak in when there is limited security.

Schette:  Yeah, but then none of the bad guys blow up.

Pip:  It is the least risky of our plans.

Schette:  (pouting)  But I really wanted to see bad guys blow up.

Faulk:  And Mr. Butler was pretty adamant about us taking down as many members of the cartel as possible.

Schette:  I really wish he wouldn’t keep holding that ‘I’ll kill your whole family’ thing over our heads.

Pip:  So we can’t push a flaming car full of explosives into the warehouse; we can’t disguise the explosives as a carton of heroin; we cannot sneak into the warehouse after hours. If those plans are unfeasible, what are we left with?

Schette:  (snaps his fingers)  I’ve got it!


(At the top of the delivery ramp leading down to the drug warehouse, Harry lights a stick of dynamite, tosses it in the trunk with the rest and pushes the car down the ramp..)

Schette:  (clapping his hands together)  Done and done!

Faulk:  (watching the car slowly roll towards the confused Afghanis)  Wait a minute, this is just your same stupid plan from before!

Schette:  (holding up a finger)  Yeah, but with a twist!

Pip:  What’s the twist?

Schette:  There’s no twist. I just wanted to see stuff blow up. We might wanna all get behind this dumpster.

(Before they can move, the abandoned factory erupts with a humongous fireball and the impact of the blast knocks Pip, Faulk and Schette on their asses. As the rubble crashes down around them, Harry wipes soot from his eyes, coughs and weakly mumbles..)

Schette:  Dyn-o-mite.


(The next morning back at the precinct..)

Chief:  Faulk and Schette, what the hell happened out there?!

Faulk:  Our plan went a little awry.

Chief:  A little awry?! You just blew up two city blocks!

Schette:  (crosses fingers, whispers)  Please say we’re loose cannons. Please say we’re loose cannons.

Chief:  And the alleged shooter in the Fistschizer case mysteriously and conveniently perished with the rest of the Afghani drug cartel.

Schette:  At least we got rid of some more bad guys.

Chief:  At the taxpayers’ expense, by way of tens of millions of dollars in damages. I’m afraid to say it, but our days here at the 47th Precinct are numbered thanks to you two. I’ve got no choice but to suspend you both, pending investigation. But with the damage you’ve done; by the time that investigation is over, you might not have a precinct to come back to. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got that orphan boy’s funeral to go to.

Schette:  Oh, shit. He died, didn’t he? I totally forgot about that.

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