Faulk ‘N Schette: Buddy Cops – Episode 113
They’re cops. They’re buddies. They’re buddy cops. This is their story.
Episode 113 – Photo Opportunity
Faulk: It’s car-a-mel.
Faulk: No, three syllables. Car-a-mel.
(Det.’s Faulk and Schette are at their desks whiling away the morning hours, when the doors to the 47th Precinct burst open..)
Chief: (hustling out of his office) Mayor Corruptingsen. Commissioner Browski. What a surprise.
(Flashbulbs pop off as Chief Flies Red Tree shakes hands with the men..)
Corruptingsen: (smiling at the cameras) Just thought we’d stop by and see how the old 47th is doing.
Chief: We’re doing just fine, Mr. Mayor. Please, make yourselves at home.
Browski: We won’t be staying long, Red Tree. We just wanted to see how that heroin drug smuggling case is going.
Chief: You’ll have to ask Det.’s Faulk and Schette as their the point men on that case.
(The mayor and the police commissioner turn to Harry and Ricky..)
Schette: Uh…uh…. (tugs frantically at Ricky’s shirt sleeve)
Faulk: Things are…developing.
Corruptingsen: That’s good to hear. Because if this house doesn’t make some big grabs soon, the city council and the mayor’s office will be forced to shut down the 47th Precinct. Permanently.
(The accompanying media explodes with a cacophony of questions..)
Browski: The mayor and I will answer all questions pertaining to this matter on the front steps, if you’ll all join us. (turning back to the Chief, grinning) Good to see you, Flies.
Corruptingsen: (tapping Ricky on the shoulder) Hey, is Det. Bananas around?
Faulk: No. He’s in Hollywood this week consulting on Bones.
Corruptingsen: Shoot. I love that monkey.
(Ricky and Harry are seated in Chief Red Tree’s office, watching him pace back and forth wildly..)
Chief: I can’t believe that bastard Corruptingsen would railroad me publicly in my own house!
Schette: (snapping his fingers) That’s how you use ‘railroaded’ correctly in a sentence.
Chief: So, the heroin drug smugglers. Whaddya got for me?
Faulk: Things are…developing.
Chief: That’s what you told the cameras out there. What else you got?
Schette: (leans forward) We believe they’re smuggling heroin.
Chief: C’mon, Faulk and Schette. Gimme something I can use. Where are they from?
Faulk: (glares at Harry)
Chief: Interesting. Directly from the poppy fields. Maybe we could roll this into a terrorism case, too. Two for the price of one.
Faulk: To clarify, Chief; not everything is concrete at this point.
Schette: No, no. It’s concrete. Afghani heroin drug smugglers smuggling Afghani heroin drugs.
Chief: Well, get out there and keep me posted.
Schette: Okay. We’re gonna take the back exit, ’cause I think they’re still talking about how much we suck out front.
(Harry and Ricky are walking through the parking lot behind 47th..)
Faulk: What the hell was that back there?
Schette: I thought it was silent.
Faulk: Afghanistani poppy smugglers? Where’d you pull that one out of?
Schette: It’s called freestyling, Ricky. You of all people should know.
Faulk: So now, not only do we have to find a different heroin smuggling cartel while working for the real heroin smugglers; but they have to be from Afghanistan, too?
Schette: Or any Middle Eastern country. I don’t think the Chief will be able to tell.
Faulk: You’re unbelievable.
Schette: That’s what my wife tells me. And then she makes a stupid face like this. (makes stupid face)
Faulk: (sighs) I guess we’re headed to the Afghan District.
Schette: I don’t see how blankets are going to help us.
(Faulk and Schette are cruising through the Afghan District when a small boy leaps in front of Harry’s car..)
Schette: (brakes squealing, leans out window) Hey! This ain’t Kabul, buddy!
Pip: Spare a little change for a poor orphan boy?
Schette: Aw, he’s like Oliver Twist! Hop in, kid. We’ll grab some eats.
Pip: (hops in the back seat) Bless you, sir.
Schette: (turns to Ricky, grinning)
Faulk: No, we can’t keep him.
(At a nearby Afghani restaurant, the detectives look on as Pip the orphan boy wolfs down lunch..)
Schette: Man, you’re really tearin’ into that soup.
Pip: (wiping the juice off his face) It is actually called ‘qorma’.
Schette: Well whatever it is, it’s making me sick. So hurry up and finish.
Faulk: Where’s your family, Pip?
Pip: They are back home in Bakubar. Father stowed me away on a cargo ship for a better life in America.
Schette: (shaking his head) And now you’re reduced to begging on the streets. Sad, really.
Pip: Better a beggar in America than a bomb back home.
Schette: That’s great. Say Pip, you wouldn’t know where I could score some smack would you?
Pip: (cocks his head slightly) ‘Smack’?
Faulk: Heroin. (glaring at Harry) And I’m sure a young innocent such as yourself wouldn’t know anything about that world.
Pip: If you want heroin, I can get you heroin.
Schette: (eyes light up) Lead us, little orphan boy. Lead us to your delicious, delicious heroin.
(That evening, Pip leads Ricky and Harry to the roof of an apartment building overlooking the rear of a dilapidated warehouse. Dozens of men are bustling about on the loading docks and trucks are coming and going, filled with hundreds of heavy wooden crates..)
Schette: (wiping drool from the corner of his mouth) That’s all heroin?
Pip: 100% grade black tar heroin, straight from the poppy fields of Eastern Afghanistan.
Faulk: How’d you find out about this place, Pip?
Pip: Sometimes I make deliveries for them.
Faulk: You traffic heroin for the Afghani drug cartel?
Schette: You really shouldn’t do that, bud.
Pip: No, they have a front corporation on the other side of this building.
Faulk: Smart. What do they make?
(That evening, Harry drops his partner and Pip off at Bernadette’s and dials the office on his way home..)
Chief: Schette, talk to me.
Schette: Good news, boss. We’ve got a serious lead on those Afghani heroin drug smugglers and a man on the inside.
Chief: That’s great news, Harry. Glad to hear it.
Schette: I wouldn’t worry too much about Corruptingsen and Browski, Chief. I think everything’s gonna turn out just fine.
Chief: I’m sure you’re right, Schette. Have a good night.
(The Chief hangs up and logs onto Monster.com..)
Chief: (frowns) Where’s the police chief page?