Faulk ‘N Schette: Buddy Cops – Episode 112
They’re cops. They’re buddies. They’re buddy cops. This is their story.
Episode 112 – Iceman
(Det. Harry Schette leans back in his chair and groans orgasmically..)
Schette: Ohhh, those Greeks got it all figured out.
(Det. Ricky Faulk enters the floor of the 47th Precinct and sits down at his desk across from Harry, holding his nose..)
Faulk: P.U. You eatin’ another one of those gyros from that Greek restaurant around the corner?
Schette: So good.
Faulk: Smells like a rubber fire.
Schette: Lamb, Ricky. Lamb is the new pork.
Faulk: I wouldn’t be so sure that’s lamb.
Schette: Ew, beaver meat?
Chief: (poking his head out of his office) Faulk and Schette, get in here!
(The detectives clamber into the Chief’s office and take a seat..)
Chief: I just got back from City Hall where I was thoroughly reamed out by the Mayor and the City Council. If we don’t get our numbers up soon, they’re threatening to shut this whole precinct down. We’re in trouble here, boys. I need results from you two and I need them yesterday. How are we coming along on that case with the heroin drug smugglers?
Faulk: (glances at Harry) We’re following some leads.
Schette: Some promising leads.
Faulk: Really good leads.
Schette: Meaty leads.
Chief: Well, I don’t want leads. I want results. Get the highest-ranking guys in the organization you can and bring them in.
Schette: Are you kidding me, Chief? You want us to gut this case? We’re so close to the big guy, I can taste him in my mouth!
Schette: And you just want us to close up shop and settle for second-best?
Chief: If we don’t start bringin’ in some warm bodies, we’ll all be guarding U-Stor-It’s in a few months.
Schette: Probably better hours.
Faulk: They have dental?
Chief: Just get out there and catch me some heroin drug smugglers!
(Harry and Ricky are walking down 49th, keeping their eyes peeled for anything suspicious..)
Faulk: Chief is right. These are our jobs on the line here, Harry.
Schette: But where are we gonna find some heroin drug smugglers out of thin air?
Faulk: I dunno; but we’ll figure something out. We just really gotta stay focused on the task at hand and not get distracted.
(A herd of puppies dashes around the corner and Harry gasps..)
Schette: Follow those pups!
(The detectives give chase, turn the corner and see the adorable puppies filing into an alleyway. Det. Schette chases after them, running and laughing with his eyes shut. Ricky turns down the alley and sees Harry on the ground, covered in a pile of puppies. The pups lick his face as he chortles with tears in his eyes..)
Schette: Ha ha ha! This is the best day ever!
Faulk: Where’d all these puppies come from?
Faulk: Come on, man. Get up. You’re a police detective.
Schette: I’m a man covered in puppies. Gimme a minute here.
(After a little more playing, Harry gets up and dusts off the fur while the puppies’ nip at the detectives’ feet..)
Faulk: Where do you think they came from?
Schette: Do you think a pet store exploded?
Faulk: No. Maybe it’s some sort of puppy smuggling ring.
Schette: That. Sounds. Adorable!
(A bullet whizzes by Harry’s ear, hits the pavement behind the detectives and the puppies yelp and scurry off down the alley. Another shot rings out and the detectives dive behind a dumpster..)
Faulk: (drawing his pistol) It’s coming from a couple floors up.
Schette: A puppy assassin!
Faulk: Don’t think he was aiming for the puppies, Harry. Call for backup.
Schette: My phone’s dead. I was watching a Veggie Tales and it drained my battery. Those vegetables are hilarious!
(Ricky cranes his neck up over the edge of the dumpster and another shot hits the brick wall behind him..)
Faulk: This guy’s a professional.
Schette: Yeah, a professional asshole. I wish Det. Bananas was here. He’d know what to do. Probably swing from a vine and kick him in the nuts or something.
Faulk: We need to think of a plan. He’s got us trapped. Trapped like rats.
Schette: I’ve got an idea.
(Det. Schette comes out from behind the dumpster with his hands in the air as shots blast all around him..)
Schette: We surrender.
Faulk: What! Harry!
(Ricky grabs fruitlessly at Harry’s shirt and the shots stop. Harry turns back to his partner, smiling..)
Schette: See, Ricky? It worked. Sometimes you just gotta be a pussy.
(Harry is leaning against the dumpster, while Ricky frantically tries to call it in..)
Faulk: I can’t get any reception in this alley. Let’s move out onto the street.
Assassin: You mind just staying right where you are for the time being?
(The assassin comes out of the abandoned building he was firing from earlier, his rifle still trained on the detectives..)
Schette: (hands up) Whoa, hey buddy. We don’t want any trouble. If those were your puppies, I apologize. Just a little innocent roughhousing.
Assassin: Pretty brilliant, right? I knew how you loved puppies, Det. Schette.
Schette: (shrugs) Everybody loves puppies.
Faulk: How’d you know his name?
Assassin: I’m an assassin, Det. Faulk. I’ve done my research.
Schette: An assassin, eh? That’s probably why you’re shootin’ at us and junk, huh?
Iceman: (nods) They call me The Iceman.
Iceman: Yeah, I know.
Faulk: Who sent you?
Iceman: The heroin drug smuggling cartel you’ve been looking into. They want you dead.
Schette: Well, that’s rude.
Faulk: (pulling Harry aside) We made up all that heroin drug smuggling cartel stuff. Now we got a real heroin drug smuggling cartel after us?
Schette: (furrowing his brow in thought) They must have heard about us on the streets.
Faulk: Who did we talk to on the streets?
Schette: I try to steer clear of the streets entirely, myself.
Faulk: (turning back to The Iceman) The name of the man who sent you. We want it.
Iceman: (chuckles) You know I can’t reveal that.
Schette: C’mon, you’re gonna kill us anyway. Whaddya got to lose?
Iceman: Good point. His name’s Butler.
Faulk: As in Oliver Butler?
Iceman: (nodding) One and the same.
Faulk: (turns to Harry)
Faulk: Oliver Butler.
Schette: Go on.
Faulk: The Habitat for Humanity guy? Friend of Yuri Brgochev who later shows up at a hospital with a gunshot wound?
Schette: Oh, that Oliver Butler. What about him?
Faulk: (exasperated, throws his hands up) He’s the heroin drug smuggler! The one who’s trying to kill us!
Schette: (scoffs) Oh yeah? And exactly how is he going to do that?
Faulk: (points at The Iceman)
Schette: Oh, right.
Iceman: (casually cocking his rifle) So I’m just gonna go ahead and kill you guys now, if you’re done.
Schette: No no, wait!
Schette: Shoot, I thought I’d think of something. (shuts his eyes) Go ahead.
Faulk: Take us to Butler.
Iceman: Excuse me?
Faulk: If he wants us dead, he’s gonna have to watch us die. Take us to Long Island.
Iceman: That’s not how this works, Detective. People hire a hitman so they don’t have to get their hands dirty.
Faulk: Just make the call.
Iceman: (pulls out his cellphone) Fine. You’re lucky I’m in such a good mood today.
Schette: It was probably all those puppies.
Iceman: (turning back to the detectives, rolling his eyes) I’m on hold.
(An hour later, the detectives are on their knees with The Iceman’s gun to their heads in the Habitat for Humanity house that was built on Long Island by Oliver Butler for Yuri Brgochev. Ricky nods at the Herzegovinian standing in the corner of the room..)
Faulk: You’re looking well, Yuri. Recovering from that hunting trip accident?
Brgochev: Fit as fiddle.
Schette: (glancing around the house) I love what you’ve done with the place. We did a pretty good job here.
Butler: (pacing in front of Faulk & Schette) I don’t recall you doing a damn thing, Detective.
Schette: I nailed a tile in the roof.
Brgochev: (motioning to Oliver) That why it always leak when rain.
Butler: Enough. You had an offer for me?
Faulk: A business proposition. You let us live and we’ll make sure nobody comes across this little drug smuggling ring of yours. We’ll even help with shipments. We’ll be like your own personal security detail. For a small fee, of course.
Butler: (pondering) Well Det. Faulk, that’s just too good an offer to turn down. And I don’t really need any pig blood on my hands.
Schette: You have pigs?
Butler: You’re hired.
(The detectives get up and shake Oliver Butler’s hand. The Iceman’s shoulders slump..)
Iceman: But I didn’t get to kill anyone!
Brgochev: We have more baby dog in back.
Schette: No! Baby dogs are puppies!
Iceman: (turns to Harry) Sorry. I’m really more of a cat person.
Schette: You monster!
(Harry tackles the assassin and wrestles him to the ground as Ricky, Yuri and Oliver look on..)
Faulk: So…how long have you been in the drug smuggling business?