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Faulk ‘N Schette: Buddy Cops – Episode 109

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 09/14/2011

They’re cops. They’re buddies. They’re buddy cops. This is their story.

Episode 109 – The Sitter

Schette:  Ahh, this is nice.

(Det. Harry Schette is sprawled out on a raft his wife Mary is steering down the Susquehanna..)

Mary:  (grunting)  You know, there’s another oar.

Schette:  This is just what we needed. A nice relaxing raft trip through Maryland. No city. No noise. No Max.

Mary:  Do you think he’s going to be alright with Ricky?

Schette:  They’ll be fine. It’s only for the weekend. Besides, Bernadette’s gonna be doing most of the heavy lifting. You know, being a girl and all.

Mary:  Ricky’s back with Bernadette? I thought they broke up.

Schette:  He made up with her a couple days ago in order to have her help with Max. He’s a wily old bastard.

Mary:  You got the bastard part right.

Schette:  (sits up, cocks his glock)  Steer us toward shore, I’m gonna bag us dinner. You ever eat a moose?


(Max sprints down the sidewalk, screaming at the top of his lungs..)

Faulk:  Max! Slow down!

(Det. Ricky Faulk is walking hand in hand with his girlfriend, Bernadette..)

Bernadette:  Pretty convenient of you to make up with me the weekend you’re babysitting your partner’s kid.

Faulk:  (grinning)  I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Bernadette:  (smiles, leans her head on Ricky’s shoulder)  You ever wanna have kids?

Faulk:  Hoo boy.

Max:  (runs up, tugging on Ricky’s pant leg)  That man wants to give me a piggyback ride! Can I, Uncle Ricky?

(Max is pointing at a homeless man in a nearby alleyway, waving sheepishly at the young couple..)

Faulk:  I don’t see why not.

Bernadette:  Rick, do you think that’s a good idea?

Faulk:  Bums are notoriously strong, Bernie; from living outdoors all day, exposed to the elements. Max is a big kid, but that hobo will be able to handl–whoops, where’d they go?


(Harry fires into a clump of shrubs and the gunshot reverberates out over the river and through the valley..)

Mary:  There’s no possible way a moose could hide in that tiny bush.

Schette:  (throwing a thumb at his wife, remarking to nobody in particular)  Got a moose expert over here.

Mary:  I don’t even think they have moose in Maryland.

Schette:  What about that minor league baseball team, the Maryland Moose?

Mary:  You probably just made that up.

Schette:  Probably. (takes a deep breath, smiles)  Beautiful day, though.

Mary:  Harold, I think I want a divorce.

Schette:  (stoops down, sniffs the ground)  Shh, moose scat.


(The homeless bum is leading Max by the hand through a busy sidewalk..)

Max:  Where are we goin’, Mister?

Lenny:  To a new life.

Max:  I have a life. I live with my Mom and Dad.

Lenny:  You don’t fit in with them.

Max:  How do you know?

Lenny:  ‘Cause I can see it in your eyes, kid. You’re a street urchin, through and through.

Max:  We’re learning about sea urchins in school. And sea anemomes. Ammemones. Anenemies?

Lenny:  No, a street urchin. A drifter, a grifter, a scamp.

Max:  A bum?

Lenny:  A bum.

Max:  I don’t wanna be a bum!

Lenny:  It’s too late, kid. You’ve been a bum all along; you just never really knew it.

Max:  But I can’t be homeless; I have a home.

Lenny:  Did you pay for that home?

Max:  No.

Lenny:  Then you, my friend, are homeless.

Max:  Well, crap.

Lenny:  Now let’s get you good and dirtied up.


(Ricky and Bernadette arrive at the 47th Precinct, a couple of blocks away from where Max went missing..)

Bernadette:  Mary and Harry are going to kill us. Especially Mary. I’m kind of scared of her.

Faulk:  Yeah, me too. But don’t worry, I’m a cop. This precinct doesn’t lose kids.

Bernadette:  What are your stats for this year?

Faulk:  O for 6. But most of those kids were little shits.

Bernadette:  Max is a little shit.

Faulk:  Yeah, but he’s our little shit.

Chief:  (coming around the corner)  Faulk. What are you doing here on your day off?

Faulk:  Uh.

Chief:  Bernadette, a pleasure. Good to see you again. Are you two back together?

Faulk:  Yeah, Chief. We’re watching Max this weekend.

Chief:  Ah, that explains it. Where is the little booger?

Faulk:  We kinda…lost him?

Chief:  …

Faulk:  ..Chief?

Chief:  You’re not a very good detective, are you Ricky?

Faulk:  No sir, I’m not.


(Harry and Mary Schette are crouched in a bush peering out onto an empty field..)

Schette:  (aiming his glock at nothing)  Steady. Steady..

Mary:  Harold, are you even listening to me?

Schette:  Yeah, yeah. You want a divorce. Lemme just shoot us a moose and we can have this discussion over a delicious moose feast.

Mary:  This isn’t working, Harry. I thought this weekend could help, but it’s not. Maybe Max and I should just go stay with my Mom for a while.

Schette:  Ugh, upstate? I don’t think so.

Mary:  It’s the same fight every night, Harry. I wanna talk and you don’t wanna listen.

Schette:  I listen. I’m listening right now.

Mary:  You listen when you absolutely positively have to.

Schette:  Well, you don’t believe in me and my dreams. You don’t even think I can shoot a moose!

Mary:  That’s because they don’t have moose in Maryland. And I’m pretty sure if they did, they’d be endangered.

Schette:  (sighs)  Maybe we should just get back in that raft and head back home.

Mary:  Best idea you’ve had all weekend.

Schette:  And would you mind rowing? My arms are sore from moose hunting.


Lenny:  Dance, boy! Dance for the money!

(A newly-muddied and be-ragged Max Schette is two-step shuffling on a street corner while Lenny the Bum claps along to a rhythm only in his head..)

Lenny:  Boogie, now! Boogie!

Max:  (leans against the building’s brick facade)  I’m all boogied out, Lenny. How’d we do?

Lenny:  (shaking a hat half-full of coins)  Not great. We didn’t make much past our starter coins. We might have to split a hot dog tonight.

Max:  What are starter coins?

Lenny:  When panhandling, always put a couple coins in the hat before you begin; so others are more inclined to add to the pot. Little hobo trick.

Max:  Where do you get the starter coins?

Lenny:  I usually rob another bum.

Max:  I think you and my Dad would get along.


(Harry and Mary are still arguing in the car heading back to New York..)

Mary:  This is so you, Harry. Making me steer the raft AND the car.

Schette:  You know about my interstate phobia!


(Ricky, Bernadette, Chief Red Tree and the entirety of the 47th Precinct are combing the streets..)

Faulk:  (hanging up his cellphone)  I’m not getting through. They must still be on the river.

Chief:  Best we not worry them. We’ll find that kid. He couldn’t have got far.

(A street cop runs up to Chief Red Tree..)

Cop:  Chief, we got a call about a hobo and a kid dancing for money over on 33rd Street.

Chief:  Dancing for money, that sick bastard. Let’s roll.

(Ricky and Bernadette hop into the Chief’s Crown Vic..)

Bernadette:  Ricky, should we be worried?

Faulk:  Nah, Max is a good dancer.


(Still driving..)

Mary:  Don’t get me started on those peppers again!

Schette:  Peppers! Peppers! Why you always gotta bring up the peppers!


(Lenny the Bum is arguing with an Angolan hot dog vendor..)

Lenny:  What do you mean 55¢! This cart has always sold fifty-cent hot dogs!

Angolan:  Times are tough, my friend.

Lenny:  (punching his fist)  You want tough, buddy? I’ll show you tough!

Max:  (grabbing Lenny’s arm)  Whoa. Easy, Lenny. Think I’ve got a solution that can solve all our problems.

Lenny:  Why? You got a nickel? You been holdin’ out on me!


(Harry and Mary are weaving from lane to lane, sloppily making out..)


Bernadette:  (pointing out the window)  There he is!

(The Chief pulls over in front of the Angolan street vendor and gets out to see a filthy Max leaning against the cart..)

Max:  (flipping a dime in the air)  Buy a dog, Mister?

Faulk:  (picks up Max)  Max! Thank God we found you!

Max:  Hey, Ricky.

Bernadette:  Why are you so dirty?

Max:  I’m a street urchin now, like Oliver Twist. Your society rejected me. Now I live with the rats and the ninja turtles in the sewers of your fair city.

Chief:  C’mon, son. Let’s get you home.

Angolan:  Then who will pay for my hot dog!

Chief:  (glowers)  That homeless monster traded you for a hot dog? I’m gonna kill him.

Max:  Actually, it was my idea. Lenny was hungry and he didn’t have enough from bojanglin’ earlier today.

Faulk:  (frowns)

Max:  Sorry. Lenny’s kinda racist.

Bernadette:  So you offered to trade yourself for a hot dog? That’s so sweet!

(Bernadette hugs Max and he blushes..)

Faulk:  Yeah. Kinda weird, though.

Chief:  Let’s all just promise not to tell Harry about any of this.

Max:  It’ll be our little secret.  (thumbs up)  And that’s a hobo’s promise!

(Everyone laughs and piles into the Crown Vic as the Angolan street vendor yells..)

Angolan:  What about my hot dog?

Chief:  (flips two quarters at the Angolan)  Keep the change.

Angolan:  (frowning, picks the quarters up off the ground)  This is the change.


(That night, Mary and Harry pick up Max at Ricky’s. Max comes downstairs, fresh out the tub..)

Max:  Hey, Mom and Dad.

Schette:  (scruffing Max’s hair)  Hey, kiddo.

Mary:  Was he any trouble?

Bernadette:  Not at all. He’s a sweet boy.

Faulk:  How was the Susquehanna?

Schette:  A beaut. Almost shot a moose.

Mary:  No, he didn’t.

Schette:  Thanks a lot, guys. We really needed the break. See ya on Monday, Rick.

Faulk:  Night, Harry.

(The Schettes climb into their minivan..)

Schette:  I’m famished. What do you want for dinner, Max?

Max:  You got a boot? I could fix us up some hobo stew.

Schette:  (chuckles)  Where do you come up with those crazy ideas?

(Mary and Harry share a smile and drive home as Max falls asleep in the back seat, dreaming of bindlesticks and train cars..)

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