Faulk ‘N Schette: Buddy Cops – Episode 109
They’re cops. They’re buddies. They’re buddy cops. This is their story.
Episode 109 – The Sitter
Schette: Ahh, this is nice.
(Det. Harry Schette is sprawled out on a raft his wife Mary is steering down the Susquehanna..)
Mary: (grunting) You know, there’s another oar.
Schette: This is just what we needed. A nice relaxing raft trip through Maryland. No city. No noise. No Max.
Mary: Do you think he’s going to be alright with Ricky?
Schette: They’ll be fine. It’s only for the weekend. Besides, Bernadette’s gonna be doing most of the heavy lifting. You know, being a girl and all.
Mary: Ricky’s back with Bernadette? I thought they broke up.
Schette: He made up with her a couple days ago in order to have her help with Max. He’s a wily old bastard.
Mary: You got the bastard part right.
Schette: (sits up, cocks his glock) Steer us toward shore, I’m gonna bag us dinner. You ever eat a moose?
(Max sprints down the sidewalk, screaming at the top of his lungs..)
Faulk: Max! Slow down!
(Det. Ricky Faulk is walking hand in hand with his girlfriend, Bernadette..)
Bernadette: Pretty convenient of you to make up with me the weekend you’re babysitting your partner’s kid.
Faulk: (grinning) I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Bernadette: (smiles, leans her head on Ricky’s shoulder) You ever wanna have kids?
Faulk: Hoo boy.
Max: (runs up, tugging on Ricky’s pant leg) That man wants to give me a piggyback ride! Can I, Uncle Ricky?
(Max is pointing at a homeless man in a nearby alleyway, waving sheepishly at the young couple..)
Faulk: I don’t see why not.
Bernadette: Rick, do you think that’s a good idea?
Faulk: Bums are notoriously strong, Bernie; from living outdoors all day, exposed to the elements. Max is a big kid, but that hobo will be able to handl–whoops, where’d they go?
(Harry fires into a clump of shrubs and the gunshot reverberates out over the river and through the valley..)
Mary: There’s no possible way a moose could hide in that tiny bush.
Schette: (throwing a thumb at his wife, remarking to nobody in particular) Got a moose expert over here.
Mary: I don’t even think they have moose in Maryland.
Schette: What about that minor league baseball team, the Maryland Moose?
Mary: You probably just made that up.
Schette: Probably. (takes a deep breath, smiles) Beautiful day, though.
Mary: Harold, I think I want a divorce.
Schette: (stoops down, sniffs the ground) Shh, moose scat.
(The homeless bum is leading Max by the hand through a busy sidewalk..)
Max: Where are we goin’, Mister?
Lenny: To a new life.
Max: I have a life. I live with my Mom and Dad.
Lenny: You don’t fit in with them.
Max: How do you know?
Lenny: ‘Cause I can see it in your eyes, kid. You’re a street urchin, through and through.
Max: We’re learning about sea urchins in school. And sea anemomes. Ammemones. Anenemies?
Lenny: No, a street urchin. A drifter, a grifter, a scamp.
Max: A bum?
Lenny: A bum.
Max: I don’t wanna be a bum!
Lenny: It’s too late, kid. You’ve been a bum all along; you just never really knew it.
Max: But I can’t be homeless; I have a home.
Lenny: Did you pay for that home?
Lenny: Then you, my friend, are homeless.
Max: Well, crap.
Lenny: Now let’s get you good and dirtied up.
(Ricky and Bernadette arrive at the 47th Precinct, a couple of blocks away from where Max went missing..)
Bernadette: Mary and Harry are going to kill us. Especially Mary. I’m kind of scared of her.
Faulk: Yeah, me too. But don’t worry, I’m a cop. This precinct doesn’t lose kids.
Bernadette: What are your stats for this year?
Faulk: O for 6. But most of those kids were little shits.
Bernadette: Max is a little shit.
Faulk: Yeah, but he’s our little shit.
Chief: (coming around the corner) Faulk. What are you doing here on your day off?
Chief: Bernadette, a pleasure. Good to see you again. Are you two back together?
Faulk: Yeah, Chief. We’re watching Max this weekend.
Chief: Ah, that explains it. Where is the little booger?
Faulk: We kinda…lost him?
Chief: You’re not a very good detective, are you Ricky?
Faulk: No sir, I’m not.
(Harry and Mary Schette are crouched in a bush peering out onto an empty field..)
Schette: (aiming his glock at nothing) Steady. Steady..
Mary: Harold, are you even listening to me?
Schette: Yeah, yeah. You want a divorce. Lemme just shoot us a moose and we can have this discussion over a delicious moose feast.
Mary: This isn’t working, Harry. I thought this weekend could help, but it’s not. Maybe Max and I should just go stay with my Mom for a while.
Schette: Ugh, upstate? I don’t think so.
Mary: It’s the same fight every night, Harry. I wanna talk and you don’t wanna listen.
Schette: I listen. I’m listening right now.
Mary: You listen when you absolutely positively have to.
Schette: Well, you don’t believe in me and my dreams. You don’t even think I can shoot a moose!
Mary: That’s because they don’t have moose in Maryland. And I’m pretty sure if they did, they’d be endangered.
Schette: (sighs) Maybe we should just get back in that raft and head back home.
Mary: Best idea you’ve had all weekend.
Schette: And would you mind rowing? My arms are sore from moose hunting.
Lenny: Dance, boy! Dance for the money!
(A newly-muddied and be-ragged Max Schette is two-step shuffling on a street corner while Lenny the Bum claps along to a rhythm only in his head..)
Lenny: Boogie, now! Boogie!
Max: (leans against the building’s brick facade) I’m all boogied out, Lenny. How’d we do?
Lenny: (shaking a hat half-full of coins) Not great. We didn’t make much past our starter coins. We might have to split a hot dog tonight.
Max: What are starter coins?
Lenny: When panhandling, always put a couple coins in the hat before you begin; so others are more inclined to add to the pot. Little hobo trick.
Max: Where do you get the starter coins?
Lenny: I usually rob another bum.
Max: I think you and my Dad would get along.
(Harry and Mary are still arguing in the car heading back to New York..)
Mary: This is so you, Harry. Making me steer the raft AND the car.
Schette: You know about my interstate phobia!
(Ricky, Bernadette, Chief Red Tree and the entirety of the 47th Precinct are combing the streets..)
Faulk: (hanging up his cellphone) I’m not getting through. They must still be on the river.
Chief: Best we not worry them. We’ll find that kid. He couldn’t have got far.
(A street cop runs up to Chief Red Tree..)
Cop: Chief, we got a call about a hobo and a kid dancing for money over on 33rd Street.
Chief: Dancing for money, that sick bastard. Let’s roll.
(Ricky and Bernadette hop into the Chief’s Crown Vic..)
Bernadette: Ricky, should we be worried?
Faulk: Nah, Max is a good dancer.
Mary: Don’t get me started on those peppers again!
Schette: Peppers! Peppers! Why you always gotta bring up the peppers!
(Lenny the Bum is arguing with an Angolan hot dog vendor..)
Lenny: What do you mean 55¢! This cart has always sold fifty-cent hot dogs!
Angolan: Times are tough, my friend.
Lenny: (punching his fist) You want tough, buddy? I’ll show you tough!
Max: (grabbing Lenny’s arm) Whoa. Easy, Lenny. Think I’ve got a solution that can solve all our problems.
Lenny: Why? You got a nickel? You been holdin’ out on me!
(Harry and Mary are weaving from lane to lane, sloppily making out..)
Bernadette: (pointing out the window) There he is!
(The Chief pulls over in front of the Angolan street vendor and gets out to see a filthy Max leaning against the cart..)
Max: (flipping a dime in the air) Buy a dog, Mister?
Faulk: (picks up Max) Max! Thank God we found you!
Max: Hey, Ricky.
Bernadette: Why are you so dirty?
Max: I’m a street urchin now, like Oliver Twist. Your society rejected me. Now I live with the rats and the ninja turtles in the sewers of your fair city.
Chief: C’mon, son. Let’s get you home.
Angolan: Then who will pay for my hot dog!
Chief: (glowers) That homeless monster traded you for a hot dog? I’m gonna kill him.
Max: Actually, it was my idea. Lenny was hungry and he didn’t have enough from bojanglin’ earlier today.
Max: Sorry. Lenny’s kinda racist.
Bernadette: So you offered to trade yourself for a hot dog? That’s so sweet!
(Bernadette hugs Max and he blushes..)
Faulk: Yeah. Kinda weird, though.
Chief: Let’s all just promise not to tell Harry about any of this.
Max: It’ll be our little secret. (thumbs up) And that’s a hobo’s promise!
(Everyone laughs and piles into the Crown Vic as the Angolan street vendor yells..)
Angolan: What about my hot dog?
Chief: (flips two quarters at the Angolan) Keep the change.
Angolan: (frowning, picks the quarters up off the ground) This is the change.
(That night, Mary and Harry pick up Max at Ricky’s. Max comes downstairs, fresh out the tub..)
Max: Hey, Mom and Dad.
Schette: (scruffing Max’s hair) Hey, kiddo.
Mary: Was he any trouble?
Bernadette: Not at all. He’s a sweet boy.
Faulk: How was the Susquehanna?
Schette: A beaut. Almost shot a moose.
Mary: No, he didn’t.
Schette: Thanks a lot, guys. We really needed the break. See ya on Monday, Rick.
Faulk: Night, Harry.
(The Schettes climb into their minivan..)
Schette: I’m famished. What do you want for dinner, Max?
Max: You got a boot? I could fix us up some hobo stew.
Schette: (chuckles) Where do you come up with those crazy ideas?
(Mary and Harry share a smile and drive home as Max falls asleep in the back seat, dreaming of bindlesticks and train cars..)