Faulk ‘N Schette: Buddy Cops – Episode 108
They’re cops. They’re buddies. They’re buddy cops. This is their story.
Episode 108 – Hi-Yo iPads, Away!
TV Commercial: Eddie Murphy and Martin Lawrence star in Yo Momma’s House. In theaters this–
(Det. Harry Schette spins around in his chair in the 47th Precinct break room..)
Schette: Hey! I was watchin’ that!
Faulk: I didn’t do anything, man. I think it’s another one of those rolling blackouts.
(All the lights go out and audible groans are heard throughout the precinct..)
Schette: (wipes his brow) It’s this heat. I’m sweatin’ like a whore in a really hot whorehouse with no A/C during a rolling blackout.
Chief: Faulk and Schette, suit up. Seems some hoodlums are taking advantage of these blackouts. There’s been a robbery at the Radio Shack on 112th Street.
Schette: Whoa, they still make Radio Shacks?
Faulk: (slips on shades) Not like they used to.
Schette: (yanking off Ricky’s shades) Lemme try. (slips on shades) More like Shack O’Steal.
Faulk: I like mine better.
Schette: Yeah, but mine was a reference to noted Radio Shack shill Shaquille “The Real Deal” O’Neal.
Faulk: You don’t have to always explain your jokes. It doesn’t make them funnier.
Schette: I just wanna illustrate the cleverness.
Faulk: Puns are cheap.
Schette: You’re cheap!
Chief: Will you two just get over there!
(Det.’s Faulk and Schette are speaking with Drew the Radio Shack clerk..)
Drew: Yeah, man. They stole, like, eleven iPad 2’s.
Schette: Eleven iPad 2’s. In a Radio Shack. First of all, I didn’t even know Radio Shacks still existed.
Drew: They do, man. You’re standing in one.
Schette: Well I know that now, Drew.
Faulk: We’re just a little skeptical that a low-end struggling electronics chain would be carrying so many of such a high-end product.
Drew: Well we aren’t anymore, man. Those looters looted ’em all.
Schette: So a buncha hoodlums threw a brick through the window, their faces masked by bandanas, pointed a gun at you and snagged all the iPad 2’s?
Drew: Yeah, man. Real bummer. My boss is totally gonna ream me out.
Schette: (wandering around the store) I don’t even see any iPad 1’s here, Drew.
Drew: iPad 1’s are so last year, man.
Schette: And no signs or displays for any iPad 2’s.
Drew: (shrugs) No need to advertise if they’ve all been stolen.
Schette: (glares down at the sixteen-year-old assistant manager) Well you’ve just got all the answers, don’t you Drew?
Drew: Look. Are we gonna get the insurance money for those iPads, or what?
Schette: (pats the clerk on the shoulder) That’s an issue for your boss and State Farm, my friend. But I’m gonna do you one better. I’m gonna get those iPads back.
(Ricky and Harry exit the Radio Shack..)
Faulk: So this kid’s full of shit, right?
Schette: Oh, definitely. But it’s not like we got anything better to do with the TV out. Let’s go pay our favorite fencer a visit.
Faulk: Pablo? He’s all the way over in Little Mexico.
Schette: Yeah, but they got ICEEs.
(Harry Schette is mopping his brow in low-level drug dealer/fencer Pablo Lopez’s Little Mexico studio apartment..)
Schette: Can’t believe the ICEE guy sold out. No A/C. How do you live like this?
Lopez: I’m from Mexico, homes.
Schette: Phew. I’m sweatin’ like a…Mexican..guy.
Faulk: Pablo, we need to know if you’ve heard anything on the street today about some iPad 2’s.
Lopez: iPad Dos? No. Nothing.
Faulk: A Radio Shack got knocked over across town and, supposedly, nearly a dozen iPad 2’s were stolen.
Lopez: What the fuck’s a Radio Shack, esé?
Schette: It was a popular electronics store back in the Eighties. Think they made their millions off Max Headroom keychains.
Faulk: We’ve hit a dead-end here, Pablo. If you’ve heard anything.
Lopez: Did you check the security cameras?
(Harry and Ricky glance at each other..)
Schette: Yes…we did. But on an entirely unrelated note, we have to go now…to do…cop things.
(Back at the Radio Shack, Drew the clerk has been joined by owner and manager Randy Bones..)
Schette: (glancing at Randy’s nametag) Afternoon, Mr….Bones.
Bones: It’s pronounced ‘bonus’. Like what Drew won’t be getting this year after having all those iPad 2’s stolen.
Drew: It wasn’t my fault, boss. They had bricks!
Schette: And a gun.
Drew: Yeah. And a gun. A gun, Randy!
Faulk: Mr. Bones, we’re going to have to take a look at your security camera footage.
Bones: Oh, we don’t have a security camera.
Schette: Yeah, you do. I can see it right there.
(Harry points at a camera in the corner ceiling of the store..)
Bones: It’s an electronics store. There are electronics all over the place.
Faulk: Can you take that piece of electronics down so we can take a look at it?
Bones: Uh, it’s broken.
Faulk: The one security camera in a store full of expensive electronics is broken?
Bones: Detective, I’m afraid Radio Shack has fallen upon hard times.
Schette: Yeah, Ricky. This isn’t a Best Buy.
Bones: Ooh, please don’t mention them in my store.
Schette: Who, Best Buy?
Schette: Why do you keep making that noise every time I say ‘Best Buy’?
Faulk: Stop it, Ricky.
Bones: Those twelve iPad 2’s were the only way I thought we could compete with the big boys at those…other retailers. I took out a loan to purchase them. Thought it was a sound investment.
Faulk: Wait a minute, twelve iPads? Drew here only reported eleven being stolen.
Schette: Maybe the looters gave Drew a little gift in order to keep his mouth shut.
Drew: But I reported the robbery to you guys!
Schette: Oh, right.
Faulk: Still, we’d like to take you both down to the precinct in order to ask a few more questions. There’s an interrogation room in the basement that might be cooler than here.
Schette: Good idea. I’m sweatin’ like a Radio Shack owner that just had his store looted.
(Harry and Ricky are in the basement interrogation room, questioning Drew..)
Schette: (slamming on the table) Tell us where the iPads are, goddammit!
Drew: I don’t know, man!
Schette: (turning to Ricky) I got nothin’.
Faulk: You have to admit, Drew. This is all pretty suspicious.
Schette: (snapping his fingers) Maybe Mr. Bones did this.
Schette: Yeah. He throws a mask on, tosses a brick through the window and shoves a gun in your face. Collects on the insurance and sells the iPads on the black market for twice the price. It’s genius.
Bones: Oh, that’s ridiculous.
(Harry spins around and sees Randy Bones sitting in the corner of the room, arms crossed..)
Schette: What? C’mon, man. We’re s’posed to keep ’em separated. Interrogation 101.
Faulk: It’s hot out there, Harry. That’s cruel and unusual.
Bones: Look, can you just let us go home and pretend this never happened? It’s been a long day.
Faulk: What about your iPads?
Bones: (sighs) Alright fine, I’ll level with you. There are no iPad 2’s.
Schette: I knew it!
Faulk: No, you didn’t. I knew it. You’re the one that kept this investigation going.
Schette: Yeah, to get the confession.
Faulk: Why’d you do it, Randy?
Bones: Times are tough. Radio Shack used to be on top; the top dog. Walkmans, boomboxes, Talkboys (from the hit blockbuster Home Alone 2), those little robots that eat pennies.
Schette: I remember those.
Bones: But then all the big retailers came along. Best Buy, Circuit City, Office Depot, Staples. Radio Shacks started dropping left and right. The buildings were converted into banks and insurance offices.
Schette: I once went to a brothel that used to be a Radio Shack.
Schette: For policework.
Bones: Shaq left us for Icy/Hot.
Schette: Great product.
Bones: Every day is a fight for a Radio Shack business owner. Some days we might win a battle, sell a couple batteries; but we know we’ll never win the war.
Schette: I usually just shoplift my batteries.
Faulk: My grandmother sends me her old batteries.
Schette: Yeah, but they’re old.
Bones: I just got desperate; made up a story about iPads. And for that I apologize.
Schette: You also threw a brick through your window.
Bones: And for that I apologize, too.
Schette: Well, that’s really more your problem.
Bones: Do you think maybe you could make an exception just this once; for a kindly old Radio Shack owner?
(Ricky and Harry glance at each other and smile..)
Faulk: We’ll do you one better. Fill out this form.
Bones: (frowning) What’s this?
Faulk: It’s an insurance claim for all those missing iPads.
Bones: (leaping out of his chair and embracing the detectives) Oh, bless you! Bless you both!
Schette: But just do us a favor and change ’em to iPad 1’s. No one in their right mind is gonna believe a Radio Shack is selling iPad 2’s.
Bones: (filling out the form) Okay.
Schette: Because your store sucks.
Bones: (frowns) Okay.
Schette: Also, we’re gonna need some free batteries.