They’re cops. They’re buddies. They’re buddy cops. This is their story.
Episode 107 – Splinter
Chief: Faulk and Schette! Get in here!
(Det.’s Ricky Faulk and Harry Schette rush into Chief Red Tree’s office..)
Schette: ‘Sup, Chief?
Chief: I need you boys to head to Long Island.
Chief: The Habitat for Humanity is building houses on a plot out there for victims of the recent civil war in Bosnia & Herzegovina.
Schette: C’mon, Chief. I’m not building a house for a bunch of grody poor people!
Chief: We think the man in charge — Oliver Butler — has been skimming some cash off the top.
Schette: Well right off the bat this is obviously a scam, Chief. There’s no such country as “Bosnia and Herzegovina”.
Faulk: Yes, Harry. There is.
Schette: Doubt it.
Chief: It’s a federal offense and we’re gonna stop him.
Schette: Lemme guess, Det. Bananas is back in Hollywood consulting for CSI again.
Chief: NCIS, actually.
Schette: Man, that monkey must get so laid.
(The detectives are driving out to Long Island..)
Faulk: So I say we go in there as day laborers and do a little snoopin’ around.
Schette: Maybe I could go in as a supervisor. I’m not really good with my hands. Also, we’re not Mexican. Who’s gonna buy us as day laborers?
Faulk: We’re just a couple of fellas down on our luck, looking for a gig.
Schette: Isn’t Habitat for Humanity a volunteer organization?
Faulk: I have no clue. This is the first I’m hearing of it.
Schette: More like Habitat for Hu-Man this sucks. Right?
Schette: Do you see what I did?
Faulk: I do.
Schette: Pretty good.
Faulk: It was alright.
(Dozens of volunteers are hammering in a frame in a deserted Long Island lot, as the detectives join in. Harry smiles at an older woman carrying a two-by-four..)
Schette: More like Habitat for Hu-Man this sucks. Right?
Schette: She didn’t get it.
(A portly mustachioed gentleman pulls up in a brand-new gleaming red Porsche convertible..)
Butler: Greetings, gentleman. Oliver Butler, at your service. And you must be my new volunteers.
Faulk: (holding out his hand) Ricky Falcone. And this is my partner, Harry Shetland.
Butler: Oh, a gay couple. Very nice.
Faulk: No. Actually, we’re co–uh yeah, a couple of gay dudes.
Schette: (under his breath) Aw, c’mon Rick.
Butler: Well it’s really great of you guys to help us out. These poor war-torn Bosnians need a home.
Schette: (holding up a finger) And don’t forget the Herzegovinians.
Butler: Exactly. So grab a hammer and let’s all pitch in, eh?
Schette: (taking Oliver aside) You know, I’m really not the tool type. I’m more of a sittin’ down kinda guy. If you have any paperwork you want me to go over. Finances, perhaps?
Butler: No, I’ve got a guy for that. You’ll be just fine, Mr. Shetland. Just follow your partner’s lead.
Schette: Right. And, just so you know, I’m the top.
Butler: Really didn’t need to know that.
Schette: Yeah. It’s just, in case you were wondering.
Butler: Really wasn’t.
Schette: Well anyway, I’m the top.
Butler: None of my business.
Schette: Not a bottom.
Butler: That’s fine.
Schette: Ricky’s the bottom.
Butler: Can you help build that house now?
Schette: Right. I’ll go work on the roof, ’cause I’m a top.
(Harry and Ricky are up on the roof installing shingles, while keeping an eye on Oliver below..)
Faulk: Sure is a nice car he’s drivin’.
Schette: (covered in shingles) Look, Ricky. I’ve got shingles.
Faulk: Wonder where a man running a non-profit organization gets enough scratch to afford a brand-new Porsche convertible.
Schette: Don’t know, don’t care. This is a dead-end case, Ricky. Chief just wants to punish us for getting duped by Gerard Depardieu the other day.
Faulk: There’s something about this dude I don’t like.
Schette: Probably his greasy mustache. All I know is Bad Boys 3 is gonna suck with Nick Cannon instead of Will Smith. Although Martin Lawrence is pretty funny. “Yo, Klumps!”
Faulk: He wasn’t in that. That’s not even a line. You don’t find this Butler guy the least bit suspicious?
Schette: I just told you; it’s his mustache. And yeah huh he was in that. He portrayed The Klumps.
Faulk: That was Eddie Murphy. Oliver’s got a shiny new convertible, three-piece suit by Armani and black leather shoes. He’s embezzlin’, big time.
Schette: Probably got a rich Daddy. And Eddie Murphy was in Yo Momma’s House.
Faulk: It’s Big Momma’s House and that was Martin Lawrence.
Schette: Well, who’s in Yo Momma’s House?
Faulk: That’s not even anything.
Schette: Hey, Ricky. If we really were gay, do you think I would be the top or the bottom?
Faulk: Why don’t you just get back to those shingles.
Schette: (turning to a fellow roofer) Hey Paco, more like Habitat for Hu-Man this sucks!
Paco: (titters) Si, señor.
Schette: See? Paco gets it.
(Ricky is rummaging through the desk in a trailer on the far side of the lot, while Harry keeps watch..)
Faulk: Anyone coming?
Schette: Nah, Butler’s talkin’ to that hot blonde volunteer. You find anything?
Faulk: Nope. As much as I hate to admit it, Oliver Butler is clean as a whistle.
Schette: See? I told you, this is just busy work. Chief just wants us to run out the clock. You heard him talkin’ about how the fat cats wanna shut down the whole precinct, scatter us all around the city. The 47th’s days are numbered, Rick.
Faulk: (sighs, leans back in the desk chair) S’pose we might as well wrap this investigation up, then. Tell the Chief we got bupkus.
(A hulking burly Eastern European man lumbers into the trailer and spots the two detectives..)
Yuri: What is this?
Schette: (smiling, holding his hand out) Det. Harry Schette, of the once-great 47th Precinct. And you are?
Yuri: Yuri Brgochev. This is my house. Mr. Butler build for family. Mr. Butler is in trouble?
Faulk: No, no. We were just checkin’ in, making sure everything is in order.
Yuri: Is in order?
Schette: Everything looks fine on our end. Welcome to America. Things were getting pretty bad over there in Bosnia, eh?
Yuri: Is bad. So much blood. I see death everyday. Start new life here in America. Have big plans.
Schette: (pats Yuri on the back as they exit the trailer) Well dream big there, Yuri. This is the land of opportunity. Well, really it’s just Long Island. But still better than Bosnia and Herzegovina, I would imagine.
Butler: (coming over toward the trailer) And how’s my favorite gay couple doing?
Schette: Super fab, Oliver. But we’re gonna head out a little early. Those wine coolers aren’t gonna drink themselves.
Butler: Really appreciate your help today, gentlemen. Yuri does too.
Yuri: Yes. Is good.
(Oliver and Yuri head into the trailer and Yuri opens a safe to show Oliver a dozen bricks of high-grade Balkan heroin..)
Yuri: Those men. The gays. They are really police.
Butler: I had an inkling. The white one was too ugly to pull that black one.
Butler: They didn’t find anything, did they?
Yuri: They suspect nothing. They do not know big secret.
(Harry pops back into the trailer..)
Schette: Sorry, forgot my shades. I’m such a top. What’s the big secret?
Yuri: Uh. I am not actually Bosnian. I am in fact Herzegovinian.
Schette: Aw. Well maybe some day — if you work really hard — you’ll become Bosnian.
Yuri: That not how it works.
Schette: (over-the-top waving) Byeee!
(Harry leaves and Yuri reopens the safe..)
Butler: And how much heroin drugs will you be able to smuggle in?
Yuri: About a ton a month.
Butler: (chuckles) Those detectives had no idea they were helping build the headquarters of the largest heroin drug smuggling operation in North America.
Yuri: Why you keep saying “heroin drug”? Everyone know heroin is drug.
Butler: (shrugs) I dunno. Just sounds cooler. “Heroin drug smugglers”.
Yuri: What is top?