Faulk ‘N Schette: Buddy Cops – Episode 106
They’re cops. They’re buddies. They’re buddy cops. This is their story.
Episode 106 – China Syndrome
Faulk: You can’t compare ’em, Harry. That’s the point of the saying.
Schette: Of course you can compare apples and oranges. One’s red and one’s orange. Except for the green apples. And yellow ones. And that purple one I had that one time.
Faulk: That was a plum.
(Det.’s Faulk and Schette are strolling through Central Park on a boring day in late summer. A Frenchman runs up and starts shaking Ricky by the shoulders..)
Cocateau: Baw! Au baw baw! Au baw baw!
Faulk: Ahhh, Harry! Get him off me!
Cocateau: (grabs Harry’s arm) Baw baw au!
Schette: He’s in trouble! He’s being chased!
Faulk: You can speak French?
Schette: I watch a lot of French pornos and I like to follow the plot.
Faulk: Why French porn?
Schette: Dude. It’s classier.
(The Frenchman runs wildly across the street, weaving through cars and the detectives give chase. They end up in a cafe where the Frenchman is cowering in a corner booth, his trembling hand holding a cappucino..)
Faulk: Ask him what he’s running from.
Cocateau: Au baw!
Cocateau: Au baw baw!
Schette: Bad men.
Cocateau: Au baw, baw baw baw. Au baw.
Schette: (eyes light up)
Faulk: What? What’d he say? Who are the bad men?
Schette: Heroin smugglers.
Faulk: Oh, shit.
Schette: (grabs waitress by the arm) Can I get a croissant, mon amie?
(Back at the 47th Precinct, the detectives are speaking with Chief Red Tree as the Frenchman reads a back-issue of Us Weekly upside-down..)
Chief: So, Faulk and Schette, you think this Mr. Cocateau is connected to these heroin drug smugglers you’ve been following? The ones who shot the German documentary filmmaker?
Schette: And smuggle all the heroin, the very same! Chief, this is big. I mean this is real big.
Faulk: Big and heroin-y.
Schette: Jean-Jacques is gonna lead us right to the head honchos back in China. You might even say this whole heroin drug trade has a…French connection.
Schette: Do you get it?
Chief: Yes, Harry. (glancing around the office) Speaking of Cocateau, where the heck is he?
Schette: (turns around) Aw crap, again? Why do our confidential informants always run away?
Chief: (thrusting a finger in Harry’s face) Catch that Frenchman!
Schette: Whoa, easy buddy. (turning to Ricky) Let’s check out Ryu over in Chinatown. Maybe he knows something about these Chinese heroin smugglers.
Faulk: Isn’t Ryu Japanese?
Schette: (dons Ricky’s shades) Close enough.
Faulk: How do you keep getting my shades?
Schette: Well, don’t leave ’em on the dashboard!
(Harry is speeding towards Chinatown..)
Schette: This is it, Ricky. This is our out. Real, actual, honest-to-goodness heroin smugglers!
Faulk: Still not sure how we’re going to make it look like they shot Fistschizer.
Schette: I used my off-duty gun. We’ll just plant it on one of ’em. Easy-peazy.
Faulk: You think Ryu’s actually gonna know anything about this Chinese drug cartel?
Schette: Sure he will. He lives right next door!
Ryu: I don’t know anything about a Chinese drug cartel.
Schette: But you live right next door!
(The detectives are at the Golden Tiger Restaurant in Chinatown, speaking with Ryu Hazuki; leader of the Golden Tigers, a Japanese street gang..)
Ryu: And how do you think I afford to remain residing in Chinatown?
Schette: I dunno. You got all that coke money.
Faulk: Easy, Harry.
Ryu: It is alright, Det. Faulk. We have the restaurant sweeped for bugs once a month. I remain in Chinatown because I keep my mouth shut.
Schette: Well, then maybe you could tell us about a Chinese drug cartel you “don’t” know about. (winks)
Schette: C’mon! We gave you all that cocaine from the evidence locker!
Ryu: And for that I am grateful and will repay you in another way at another time. But concerning this matter, I cannot be of service. Besides, I am still very busy avenging the death of my father.
Schette: Right right, your dead father. Are you still on about him?
Ryu: His death shall be avenged!
Schette: Enough already! God!
Faulk: Thanks for your help, Ryu.
Schette: Y’all got spring rolls?
(Back in Harry’s car..)
Faulk: We gotta find Cocateau. He’s the only one who knows the identity of these Chinese cartel guys. Where do French people go?
Faulk & Schette: (turning to each other in unison) Wine shop.
Cocateau: Sacre bleu!
Schette: Found ya, ya frog leg-eatin’…frog.
Cocateau: Au baw baw baw!
Schette: Yeah, yeah. Save it.
(The detectives escort an extremely intoxicated Jean-Jacques out of the Trader Joe’s Wine Store and back to their car..)
Schette: Jean-Jacques, we need you to focus.
Schette: Tell us everything you know about the Chinese heroin smugglers.
Cocateau: Au baw, au baw baw. Baw baw baw, au baw.
Schette: My God.
Faulk: What. What’d he say?
Schette: Turns out those monsters are also in the Chinese baby trading market. They call themselves ‘The Dragon’s Fist’.
Cocateau: Oui, baw baw.
Schette: He says they’re supposed to meet in the park this afternoon. He has to bring $300,000 in cash and a fresh, live Chinese baby.
Faulk: We gotta take this to the Chief.
Schette: And have him turn it over to Det. Bananas? That hotshot monkey asshole. No, I got a better idea.
Faulk: Cut to terrible idea.
Chang: This is a terrible idea.
(Sgt. Chang, a Chinese-American, is standing in Central Park in a bonnet and diaper..)
Faulk: I’m gonna have to agree with Sgt. Chang on this one.
Cocateau: Au baw!
Schette: Shut up, Cocateau. We’re doing this my way, you guys. Besides, I don’t know any Chinese babies.
Faulk: Probably a good thing.
Chang: (glancing in the briefcase) Is this Monopoly money?
Schette: It’s all I could get on short notice. And it’s my son’s, so I gotta get that back afterwards.
Chang: It’s pink.
Schette: Maybe they’ll think it’s Euros.
Chang: Are those checkers?
Cocateau: (pointing up the park path) Au baw! Au baw!
Faulk: Shit, here they come. Hide behind that bush!
Schette: Too late, he spotted us. Wait, is that guy black? Ricky, are there black Chinamen?
Faulk: What. I’m supposed to know, ’cause I’m black?
Lawrence: Hey, fellas. Glad you found Gerard for us. Really appreciate it.
Schette: Sorry sir, but you must be mistaken. This is Jean-Jacques Cocateau. Are you with the Chinese dru–holy crap, you’re Martin Lawrence.
Faulk: C’mon Harry, that’s racist. Sorry. My partner here thinks every black man he meets is Martin Lawrence. When we first met, he even thought I was Mart–holy shit, you’re Martin Lawrence.
Lawrence: I am.
Schette: Loved you in The Klumps.
Lawrence: So, exactly what are you fellas doin’ with Gerard Depardieu…and a grown-ass man in a diaper?
Faulk: Gerard Depardieu. The actor? He told us he was a Jean-Jacques Cocateau on the run from a Chinese heroin smuggling syndicate.
Lawrence: That’s his character. Gerard’s a method actor. We’re shooting Bad Boys 3 in the park today.
Schette: (looking around wildly) Oh, cool! Is Will Smith here?
Lawrence: Nah, producers couldn’t afford him this time around. We got Nick Cannon, though.
Faulk: So…no Chinese heroin smugglers, then?
Lawrence: ‘Fraid not.
Schette: Do you know any heroin smugglers, Mr. Lawrence?
Lawrence: Nah, man.
Chang: Can I put my pants back on now?
Cocateau: Au baw baw!
(Martin Lawrence and the detectives chortle heartily..)
Schette: (hands on hips) Oh Gerard Depardieu, you so cray-zay!