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Faulk ‘N Schette: Buddy Cops – Episode 106

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 08/31/2011

They’re cops. They’re buddies. They’re buddy cops. This is their story.

Episode 106 – China Syndrome

Faulk:  You can’t compare ’em, Harry. That’s the point of the saying.

Schette:  Of course you can compare apples and oranges. One’s red and one’s orange. Except for the green apples. And yellow ones. And that purple one I had that one time.

Faulk:  That was a plum.

(Det.’s Faulk and Schette are strolling through Central Park on a boring day in late summer. A Frenchman runs up and starts shaking Ricky by the shoulders..)

Cocateau:  Baw! Au baw baw! Au baw baw!

Faulk:  Ahhh, Harry! Get him off me!

Cocateau:  (grabs Harry’s arm)  Baw baw au!

Schette:  He’s in trouble! He’s being chased!

Faulk:  You can speak French?

Schette:  I watch a lot of French pornos and I like to follow the plot.

Faulk:  Why French porn?

Schette:  Dude. It’s classier.

(The Frenchman runs wildly across the street, weaving through cars and the detectives give chase. They end up in a cafe where the Frenchman is cowering in a corner booth, his trembling hand holding a cappucino..)

Faulk:  Ask him what he’s running from.

Cocateau:  Au baw!

Schette:  Men.

Cocateau:  Au baw baw!

Schette:  Bad men.

Cocateau:  Au baw, baw baw baw. Au baw.

Schette:  (eyes light up)

Faulk:  What? What’d he say? Who are the bad men?

Schette:  Heroin smugglers.

Faulk:  Oh, shit.

Schette:  (grabs waitress by the arm)  Can I get a croissant, mon amie?

~~~

(Back at the 47th Precinct, the detectives are speaking with Chief Red Tree as the Frenchman reads a back-issue of Us Weekly upside-down..)

Chief:  So, Faulk and Schette, you think this Mr. Cocateau is connected to these heroin drug smugglers you’ve been following? The ones who shot the German documentary filmmaker?

Schette:  And smuggle all the heroin, the very same! Chief, this is big. I mean this is real big.

Faulk:  Big and heroin-y.

Schette:  Jean-Jacques is gonna lead us right to the head honchos back in China. You might even say this whole heroin drug trade has a…French connection.

Chief:  Mmhmm.

Faulk:  Right.

Schette:  Do you get it?

Chief:  Yes, Harry. (glancing around the office)  Speaking of Cocateau, where the heck is he?

Schette:  (turns around)  Aw crap, again? Why do our confidential informants always run away?

Chief:  (thrusting a finger in Harry’s face)  Catch that Frenchman!

Schette:  Whoa, easy buddy.  (turning to Ricky)  Let’s check out Ryu over in Chinatown. Maybe he knows something about these Chinese heroin smugglers.

Faulk:  Isn’t Ryu Japanese?

Schette:  (dons Ricky’s shades)  Close enough.

Faulk:  How do you keep getting my shades?

Schette:  Well, don’t leave ’em on the dashboard!

~~~

(Harry is speeding towards Chinatown..)

Schette:  This is it, Ricky. This is our out. Real, actual, honest-to-goodness heroin smugglers!

Faulk:  Still not sure how we’re going to make it look like they shot Fistschizer.

Schette:  I used my off-duty gun. We’ll just plant it on one of ’em. Easy-peazy.

Faulk:  You think Ryu’s actually gonna know anything about this Chinese drug cartel?

Schette:  Sure he will. He lives right next door!

~~~

Ryu:  I don’t know anything about a Chinese drug cartel.

Schette:  But you live right next door!

(The detectives are at the Golden Tiger Restaurant in Chinatown, speaking with Ryu Hazuki; leader of the Golden Tigers, a Japanese street gang..)

Ryu:  And how do you think I afford to remain residing in Chinatown?

Schette:  I dunno. You got all that coke money.

Faulk:  Easy, Harry.

Ryu:  It is alright, Det. Faulk. We have the restaurant sweeped for bugs once a month. I remain in Chinatown because I keep my mouth shut.

Faulk:  Gotcha.

Schette:  Well, then maybe you could tell us about a Chinese drug cartel you “don’t” know about.  (winks)

Ryu:  No.

Schette:  C’mon! We gave you all that cocaine from the evidence locker!

Ryu:  And for that I am grateful and will repay you in another way at another time. But concerning this matter, I cannot be of service. Besides, I am still very busy avenging the death of my father.

Schette:  Right right, your dead father. Are you still on about him?

Ryu:  His death shall be avenged!

Schette:  Enough already! God!

Faulk:  Thanks for your help, Ryu.

Schette:  Y’all got spring rolls?

~~~

(Back in Harry’s car..)

Faulk:  We gotta find Cocateau. He’s the only one who knows the identity of these Chinese cartel guys. Where do French people go?

Faulk & Schette:  (turning to each other in unison)  Wine shop.

~~~

Cocateau:  Sacre bleu!

Schette:  Found ya, ya frog leg-eatin’…frog.

Cocateau:  Au baw baw baw!

Schette:  Yeah, yeah. Save it.

(The detectives escort an extremely intoxicated Jean-Jacques out of the Trader Joe’s Wine Store and back to their car..)

Schette:  Jean-Jacques, we need you to focus.

Cocateau:  Baw.

Schette:  Tell us everything you know about the Chinese heroin smugglers.

Cocateau:  Au baw, au baw baw. Baw baw baw, au baw.

Schette:  My God.

Faulk:  What. What’d he say?

Schette:  Turns out those monsters are also in the Chinese baby trading market. They call themselves ‘The Dragon’s Fist’.

Cocateau:  Oui, baw baw.

Schette:  He says they’re supposed to meet in the park this afternoon. He has to bring $300,000 in cash and a fresh, live Chinese baby.

Faulk:  We gotta take this to the Chief.

Schette:  And have him turn it over to Det. Bananas? That hotshot monkey asshole. No, I got a better idea.

Faulk:  Cut to terrible idea.

Schette:  What?

Faulk:  Nothing.

~~~

Chang:  This is a terrible idea.

(Sgt. Chang, a Chinese-American, is standing in Central Park in a bonnet and diaper..)

Faulk:  I’m gonna have to agree with Sgt. Chang on this one.

Cocateau:  Au baw!

Schette:  Shut up, Cocateau. We’re doing this my way, you guys. Besides, I don’t know any Chinese babies.

Faulk:  Probably a good thing.

Chang:  (glancing in the briefcase)  Is this Monopoly money?

Schette:  It’s all I could get on short notice. And it’s my son’s, so I gotta get that back afterwards.

Chang:  It’s pink.

Schette:  Maybe they’ll think it’s Euros.

Chang:  Are those checkers?

Schette:  Coins!

Cocateau:  (pointing up the park path)  Au baw! Au baw!

Faulk:  Shit, here they come. Hide behind that bush!

Schette:  Too late, he spotted us. Wait, is that guy black? Ricky, are there black Chinamen?

Faulk:  What. I’m supposed to know, ’cause I’m black?

Schette:  Well..

Lawrence:  Hey, fellas. Glad you found Gerard for us. Really appreciate it.

Schette:  Sorry sir, but you must be mistaken. This is Jean-Jacques Cocateau. Are you with the Chinese dru–holy crap, you’re Martin Lawrence.

Faulk:  C’mon Harry, that’s racist. Sorry. My partner here thinks every black man he meets is Martin Lawrence. When we first met, he even thought I was Mart–holy shit, you’re Martin Lawrence.

Lawrence:  I am.

Schette:  Loved you in The Klumps.

Lawrence:  Huh?

Faulk:  Dammit.

Lawrence:  So, exactly what are you fellas doin’ with Gerard Depardieu…and a grown-ass man in a diaper?

Faulk:  Gerard Depardieu. The actor? He told us he was a Jean-Jacques Cocateau on the run from a Chinese heroin smuggling syndicate.

Lawrence:  That’s his character. Gerard’s a method actor. We’re shooting Bad Boys 3 in the park today.

Schette:  (looking around wildly)  Oh, cool! Is Will Smith here?

Lawrence:  Nah, producers couldn’t afford him this time around. We got Nick Cannon, though.

Schette:  Oh.

Lawrence:  Yeah.

Faulk:  So…no Chinese heroin smugglers, then?

Lawrence:  ‘Fraid not.

Schette:  Do you know any heroin smugglers, Mr. Lawrence?

Lawrence:  Nah, man.

Chang:  Can I put my pants back on now?

Cocateau:  Au baw baw!

(Martin Lawrence and the detectives chortle heartily..)

Schette:  (hands on hips)  Oh Gerard Depardieu, you so cray-zay!

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