Faulk ‘N Schette: Buddy Cops – Episode 105
They’re cops. They’re buddies. They’re buddy cops. This is their story.
Episode 105 – Twenty-Four Hours At North Fork
Schette: It’s not a hickey!
Faulk: (chuckles) Kinda looks like one. Your wife give that to you?
Schette: It’s a birthmark.
Faulk: I don’t remember it being there yesterday.
Schette: Just lay off it, Ricky.
Faulk: Is it a rash?
Schette: Lay off it.
Chief: Faulk and Schette, I need you.
Chief: Harry, is that a hickey?
Schette: (face getting red) What’s the case, Chief?
Chief: I need you two to drive up to North Fork Prison and bring a prisoner back here.
Schette: Aw, upstate? I’m not going to gross upstate!
Chief: The prisoner is needed for a big trial next week. The DA’s on my ass about this one, so I need you two to come through for me.
Schette: Can’t you just get Det. Bananas to do it?
Faulk: (nodding) He is a better driver.
Chief: Det. Bananas is in Hollywood this week, consulting for CSI: NY.
Schette: (pouting) Stupid monkey.
(Det. Ricky Faulk is driving up the interstate, while Det. Harry Schette bops along in the passenger’s seat..)
Schette: ♪♪ Camptown races, sing this song/Doo da, doo da! ♪♪
Faulk: (sighs, presses on the accelerator)
(At North Fork County Prison deep in the woods of rural upstate New York, Det.’s Faulk and Schette are being led to the cell of Jack Shaw by Warden Winston Downs..)
Warden: Now I want you boys to be extra careful. Jack Shaw is a dangerous man. He’s been ridin’ with the Dark Habits Cycle Club for thirty years and they know he’s being transported today.
Schette: Great. Now we’re gonna have a buncha Hell’s Angels on our ass on top of being (grimaces) upstate.
Faulk: Why are they called the Dark Habits?
Warden: They were all raised in an orphanage run by nuns; adopted their personas. Each jacket’s got an angry nun stitched on the back.
Warden: Don’t let the gray hairs fool ya. Jack Shaw’s a killer.
Schette: Killer nuns, got it.
(They arrive at the cell and a grizzled, old man gets up off his cot..)
Shaw: These the pansy city boys come to take me back to the Big Apple?
Schette: That’s us!
Shaw: (squinting at Det. Schette’s neck) Is that a hickey?
Schette: It’s an allergic reaction.
Shaw: (grinning through the bars) You know my boys are coming for me, right?
Schette: Oh no! Scary nuns! Can we just get this fogie to the car and get the hell out of upstate? (turns to the Warden) No offense.
Warden: None taken.
(Jack Shaw is cuffed and led back to the front lobby. Harry goes outside to bring the car around and moments later comes running back inside..)
Schette: Bikers! Loads of ’em!
(Warden Downs deadbolts the front doors and Jack Shaw cackles..)
Shaw: It begins.
Schette: (turning to Ricky) Ooh, I hate it when bad guys say that. Really gives me the willies.
(Harry Schette comes back inside shaking his head. The small staff of guards looks on..)
Schette: Those bikers got the place surrounded. They keep going round in circles. We’re boxed in.
Schette: (hollering frustratedly) Cackling isn’t helping!
Warden: (turning to guard) Put the prisoners on lockdown. Nobody gets in or out.
Schette: Aw, I’m gonna miss Ancient Aliens!
Faulk: Did you TiVo it?
Schette: What am I, a millionaire?
Faulk: We gotta tool up.
Schette: (to Warden) Do you have machine guns?
Schette: (shrugs) Worth a shot.
Faulk: (checks his handgun) How many shells you got?
Schette: Oh, I forgot mine in the car.
Schette: Important question, Warden: Do you have any large rocks?
(Chief Red Tree is on the phone with Det. Faulk..)
Chief: And they’ve got the place surrounded? Good God, this is exactly what I was worried about. Somebody must have alerted the Dark Habits. We’re not gonna be able to send in any reinforcements until tomorrow morning. You’re just gonna have to hang tough tonight. … Alright, fine. … Hello, Harry. … No, you’re not gettin’ any overtime!
(Det. Schette is speaking to his wife on his cellphone in the east hall of North Fork..)
Schette: Yeah hon, looks like I won’t be making it home tonight. … Yup, surrounded by bikers. And it’s upstate, so extra gross. … What do you mean I’ve used this excuse before? I’ve never been in a situation anywhere close to this. … Oh, right. Last Thursday. Totally same situation, I forgot. … No, I’m not lying. Here, listen to this criminal.
(Harry holds up the phone to a prisoner in the cell across from him..)
Schette: Tell my wife I’m trapped in a prison surrounded by bikers.
Prisoner: (smiling toothlessly) He’s cheating on you. He’s at a bar with a beautiful buxom blonde. I’m a bartender.
Schette: (tearing the phone away, scowling) C’mon, man. … No that was a criminal, Mary. You can’t trust ’em. … Hello? … Mary?
Prisoner: (grinning) Is that a hickey?
Schette: (shoving a finger through the bars) I’m gonna ask the warden to extend your sentence.
Prisoner: I’m doing life.
Schette: Well…carry on then.
(Det. Faulk is on his phone with his girlfriend in a hallway on the opposite side of the prison..)
Faulk: Yeah baby, probably won’t be home ’til late. Lotta paperwork. … Nah, everything’s fine. Don’t worry about me, babe. Just gotta double-check Harry’s spelling. You know Harry. … Now baby, why in the hell would I be cheatin’ when I got your fine ass waitin’ for me at home? … What’s that? You’re at the office right now? … Yeah, well that’s because I’m at the…library. That’s it. Doin’ my paperwork at the library. It’s quieter. … Which library? Uh, the one with the books? … I’m not lyin’! … Baby!
(Det. Faulk hangs up and returns to the front lobby. Det. Schette comes down the opposite hallway and notice Ricky’s phone..)
Schette: You blow it too?
Schette: Broads, huh? Sometimes I think these prisoners got it all figured out. No emotions. No arguments. Just hard anal sex.
(Everyone in the lobby stares at Harry and he quietly pretends to read a flyer on the wall..)
(The warden, guards, Shaw and Ricky are sitting around the lobby, leaning against the walls as the clock on the wall reads 3AM. Harry hustles back into the lobby and slams the door behind him..)
Faulk: They still out there?
Schette: Yeah, they just keep going around in circles.
Shaw: (smiling proudly) The Dark Habits don’t wear out easy.
Guard: (pulling at his hair) What do they want from us?!
Warden: Det. Schette, are they armed?
Schette: I didn’t see any guns. But I did see chains.
Warden: Chains? Those savages.
Faulk: (sighs) We better just hunker down here for the night.
Schette: Warden, another important question: Do you have any sleeping bags?
Schette: (exploding) Well what do you have!
(The next morning the detectives and guards wake up with renewed energy. Harry glances out the front door..)
Schette: I don’t see anyone. The coast is clear. Let’s move!
(The detectives hustle Shaw out into the parking lot and Harry shrieks like a woman..)
Schette: (pointing down the road) Eek! There they are!
(Ricky Faulk sees a large group of cyclists in bright outfits with numbers on their backs..)
Faulk: (glowers) That’s your bike gang?
Schette: (trembling) Careful. Careful!
(One of the cyclists pedals over, smiling..)
Cyclist: Well hey there, fellas. Hope we didn’t bother you. We were just having our annual Twenty-Four Hour North Fork County Bike Marathon for charity. Raising money for this here prison, actually.
Warden: (nodding) That was this week? I forgot.
Shaw: This ain’t no motorcycle gang.
Schette: Oh, motorcycles.
Faulk: You said they had chains!
Schette: (points meekly at the bicycle chains)
Cyclist: (patting his bike chains) Nobody makes ’em quite like Schwinn.
Shaw: (grinning, gets in Det. Schette’s car) I like you guys.
Faulk: (glaring at Harry) I’m gonna kill you.
Schette: (to the cyclist) Ooh, pop a wheelie!