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Faulk ‘N Schette: Buddy Cops – Episode 101

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 08/11/2011

They’re cops. They’re buddies. They’re buddy cops. This is their story.

Episode 101 – Hit And Run

(Sunday service at Saint Gabriel Episcopal Church is broken up by a hooded man with a gun who fires a shot toward the ceiling, silencing the priest and his parish..)

Gunman:  This is a robbery. If everybody cooperates, we’ll all get out of here alive.

(An elderly woman in the front pew stands up..)

Woman:  But this is a house of God!

(The man fires one into her shoulder and she collapses to the shrieks and screams of the other parishioners..)

Gunman:  She didn’t cooperate. The rest of you, empty your pockets or you’re gonna be seein’ God real soon!

(The street in front of Saint Gabriel is cordoned off and Police Chief Flies Red Tree is out front with Detectives Ricky Faulk and Harry Schette..)

Schette:  What’s the situation, Chief?

Chief:  Not good, Schette. A gunman inside holding the entire church hostage. And we’ve already had one shot fired.

Faulk:  My God.  (dramatically removes his sunglasses)  It’s not even bright out. I don’t know why I was wearing these.

Schette:  I know. That’s what I was saying in the car.

Chief:  Get in there and stop that man!

(The detectives hustle in a side door and quickly make their way to the priest’s quarters, peeking out onto the church floor where the gunman is frantically waving his pistol around..)

Schette:  (elbowing Faulk)  These Episcopaliens are gonna love us! This’ll get our name in the paper.

Faulk:  That’s not what this is about. But yeah, that will be pretty cool.

Schette:  Count of three.

Faulk:  One.

Schette:  Two.

Bananas:  Ooh ooh ah ah!

Schette:  Oh, c’mon!

(The detectives exit the priest’s quarters in time to see Det. Bananas — the force’s finest cop and a common chimpanzee — swing down from the rafters and tackle the gunman. The churchgoers give Det. Bananas a standing ovation and he jumps up and down on the pulpit as his partner, Det. Fujinito Horykow, cuffs the criminal..)

Horykow:  Good work, monkey!

Bananas:  Ooh ooh ah ah!

Faulk:  (shaking his head)  Goddamn Det. Bananas.

~~~

(That evening Mayor Quincy Corruptingsen is giving a televised press conference with Det. Bananas in front of City Hall..)

Mayor:  And if it wasn’t for the bravery of Detective Bananas, who knows what evil may have been wrought in Saint Gabriel today. For your courage Detective, we present to you the key to the city.

(Det. Bananas takes the key and bangs it on the podium as the press corps laughs. Det.’s Faulk and Schette stand across the street, arms crossed, sulking..)

Faulk:  Can’t believe this.  (cups his hands to his mouth, shouts)  He’s a monkey!

Schette:  Easy, Ricky.

Faulk:  C’mon, man. Everybody knows he’s a monkey.

Schette:  Yeah. Damn good cop, though.

~~~

(Back at the 47th Precinct, Det.’s Faulk and Schette are in Chief Red Tree’s office..)

Chief:  Men, I’d like you to meet Werner Von Fistschizer. He’s a documentary filmmaker from Berlin and he’s going to be working on a film about us here at the 47th.

Fistschizer:  Gutentag.

Schette:  (frowns)  Okay.

Chief:  I’m giving him full access to follow you boys around for a month or so and see how we fight law here in America.

Faulk:  What! C’mon, Chief.

Chief:  This is not an argument, it’s an order. You are to take good care of Mr. Fistschizer and make sure that the precinct is painted in a positive light.

Schette:  Why don’t you follow around Det. Bananas? He’s the city’s golden child. And he’s got that city key now, so he can get into anywhere.

Fistschizer:  The monkey? No. He is too perfect. A super cop, if you will. I wanted to capture the average detective in all his American averageness. I asked your chief here who is the most average and he gave me you two.

Schette:  Gee. Thanks, Chief.

Chief:  Your arrest counts are down and we’ve been getting complaints. I figure having a camera on you at all times will…keep you honest.

Schette:  (thrusting a finger at his superior)  We’re gettin’ railroaded here, Chief!

Chief:  (frowning)  No, you’re not.

Schette:  (kicks at the tile floor)  I know. I just always wanted to say that.

Chief:  (handing Faulk a note)  Here’s your next case. A hit-and-run on Lexington.

Schette:  (glancing at Werner as he turns on his camera)  Hmm. Think this might be connected to our heroin smugglers?

Faulk:  (glancing at Harry and then the camera)  Wh–oh, yeah. Those darn heroin smugglers. This might be just the lead we’ve been waiting for.

Chief:  This is the first I’m hearing about any heroin smugglers.

Schette:  We’ve been working on this one for a while. Had to keep it hush-hush. No time to go into elaborate detail right now. Werner?

Fistschizer:  Ya?

Schette:  (pops Ricky’s shades on)  Let’s roll.

(Harry bangs himself in the forehead with the door on the way out and removes the shades before rushing downstairs. Werner follows close behind, camera rolling..)

Fistschizer:  Oh, this is all very exciting! This will be my best documentary since Mascheubenshoüsen!

~~~

(Werner is in the backseat filming Faulk and Schette as they race toward the hit and run scene..)

Fistschizer:  So, a black cop and a white cop. Which one of you is Eddie Murphy?

Schette:  That’s hilarious, Werner. Probably me.

Faulk:  You’re white, you idiot.

Schette:  Yeah, but I’m more anti-establishment.

Faulk:  Harry. You are the establishment.

Schette:  (pouts)

Fistschizer:  How often does the racial dynamic enter into your daily operations?

Faulk:  We don’t really think about that stuff too much.

Schette:  I’m the dynamic one.

Faulk:  He didn’t understand the question. This isn’t gonna be one of those exposés revealing the sordid side of the law, is it?

Fistschizer:  Is there a sordid side of the law?

Schette:  (chortles)  Ho ho, don’t get me started on–

Faulk:  (glares at Harry)  The bad guys. That’s the sordid side.

Schette:  Now Werner, I wanna brace you. Hit-and-runs can get pretty grisly. There might be some blood.

Fistschizer:  Good thing I brought extra tapes.

~~~

(Harry Schette stares at a small dent on the corner rear bumper of a Honda Civic..)

Schette:  Are you kidding me?

(Ricky Faulk is interviewing the car’s owner..)

Faulk:  How fast was the suspect going?

Lady:  Maybe…forty?

Schette:  Are you kidding me?

Fistschizer:  Vee are rolleenk!

Faulk:  And he just drove off?

Lady:  Yes. I couldn’t really get a good look at him.

Schette:  Are you even bleeding?

Lady:  No.

Schette:  (walks away with his arms in the air)

Faulk:  We’re glad you’re alright. We’re gonna look into this.  (turning to the camera)  What we’ll do next is ask around the neighborhood and see if there were any other witnesses.

Fistschizer:  (lowers the camera)  Please, Detective. Be yourself, act natural. Never look directly into the lens.

Schette:  Aw, well you shouldn’t have said that.  (stares directly into the lens)  Now it’s all I see!

Giuseppe:  I a-see a-what happen.

(The detectives turn to see an older Italian man with a thick mustache sweeping the sidewalk in front of his produce shop..)

Faulk:  And who are you?

Giuseppe:  I’m-a Giuseppe. This-a my fruit shop. You want-a some fruit?

Schette:  (takes a step toward the old Italian man)  The fuck you call me?

Faulk:  (putting a hand on Schette’s chest)  Easy, Harry. What did you see, sir?

Giuseppe:  I a-see a black car with dark windows. That car right there.

(The detectives and Werner turn to see Giuseppe pointing at Harry’s car..)

Schette:  So a car like that?

Giuseppe:  No, that car. I recognize it anywhere.

Fistschizer:  (grinning behind his camera)  Could it be? Could the notorious hit-and-run culprits be the very men sent to investigate the crime?

Schette:  Shush, Werner.  (pulls Ricky aside)  Is this us? Did we do this?

Faulk:  It did happen this morning, before the church shooting. And I do remember us taking this street.

Schette:  And I was pretty hungover. And we did hear that thump.

Fistschizer:  (chuckling, staring into his viewfinder)  This will most certainly not be on the cutting room floor.

Schette:  This Fistschizer knows too much.

Faulk:  He knows that we bumped into a lady’s car and caused about forty dollars worth of damage.

Schette:  He knows too much!

~~~

(Det. Schette steers his car down a long alleyway a couple blocks from the station..)

Fistschizer:  When do we go back to the police office and explain your foolishness to the Chief? It will make for great theater. I’m thinking of calling this film Der Stupelcoppen; German for “Stupid American Police Jerks Fat Hamburger Donut”.

Faulk:  That’s a rough translation.

Schette:  Out of the car, Fistschizer.

Fistschizer:  Vas is das?

Schette:  This is the alleyway where we last saw those heroin smugglers. Want you to get a good shot of it for your film.

Fistschizer:  Okendoken.

(Werner exits the backseat and makes his way down the alley, camera rolling. Det. Schette gets out after him..)

Schette:  Hey, Werner.

Fistschizer:  Ya?

Schette:  (cocks his glock)  Say hello to Hitler for me.

Fistschizer:  Nein!

(The German documentarian drops to the pavement and the detectives make their way out of the alleyway..)

Faulk:  Really? Hitler? That’s the best you got?

Schette:  I was trying to think of something funny with luftballoons, but I froze up.

~~~

(Back in Chief Red Tree’s office..)

Chief:  So heroin drug smugglers, huh?

Schette:  Yeah, Chief. It was crazy. We had them cornered and they just started unloading on us. Unfortunately, Mr. Fistschizer got caught in the crossfire.

Chief:  (sighs)  I’ll call the German consulate. What about that hit-and-run?

Schette:  Also the heroin smugglers. They’re really gettin’ our goat, Chief.

Chief:  Faulk and Schette, I want you to make these heroin drug smugglers your top priority. And this time, I want results.

Faulk:  Yes, sir.

(The detectives exit the office and make their way back to their desks..)

Schette:  Well now all we gotta do is find some heroin smugglers. People still do heroin, right?

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