Totally Radical Sportz!

‘Nam – Episode 108

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 05/26/2011

PFC’s Pete Hormel and Ziggy Riley — wrongly accused of being war criminals — are on the run through the jungles of Vietnam, accompanied by RN Annabeth Bisch and ex-Viet Cong Haht Dung..

Episode 108 – The Rowdy Girls

(Pete, Ziggy, Annabeth and Thom Stockton are at the illustrious Ding Dong Inn in the suite of Russian officers, Igor and Oleg..)

Riley:  Yes, the secret weapon. We know it all too well. But if you’d like to elaborate, please: indulge yourselves.

Igor:  Mr. Hormel, we were inspired by your actions back in the jungle. Truly inspired. The way you poisoned your compatriots with the help of your devoted father; and with the very meat that made him his fortune! Truly an inspiration to us all.

Hormel:  Yeah, about that..

Bisch:  (claps a hand over Pete’s mouth)  Go on, brother.

Igor:  We have concocted a plan to take down this city and hand over power to the Communist forces to the north. But we need your help.

Bisch:  (sits down across from Igor)  What are you thinking?

Igor:  Prostitutes.

Oleg:  Hookers!

Stockton:  (lights a cigarette)  I’m in.

Riley:  I dunno, guys. Not sure I have the energy.

Igor:  Not for us, you fools. This city and surrounding country prides itself on its nobleness, its ability to rise above the “bastard Communists”, as they refer to us here. But they do have one vice: The oldest trade of them all.

Riley:  Fishing?

Igor:  Prostitution.

Hormel:  What does all this have to do with poisoned meat?

Riley:  Duh, Pete. They wanna poison the South Vietnamese’s meat.  (leans into Pete’s ear, whispering breathily)  Their penis meat.

Igor:  Precisely. Though I wouldn’t have painted it so…rustically.

Hormel:  You want to infect the citizens of South Vietnam through prostitution?

Igor:  Once dispersed, the secret weapon will spread like wildfire. We have already picked some women who are willing to help us in this program. Now we just need to develop a strain of disease that can bring this region to its knees.

Hormel:  Oh…kay.  (glances at Annabeth, who nods)  We’d be honored to help. I’ll use the same strain I used on Company D. We’ll just need to meet the girls first.

Igor:  They are currently dancing at a club called the Row Dee Inn. Are you familiar with–

Stockton:  On it. Let’s roll, fellas.


(Lt. Toole and PFC Talcum enter Quan Thum’s downtown office to find the legitimate businessman and his henchmen still rolling on the floor, clutching their groins..)

Thum:  Ow, my balls!

Toole:  Mr. Thum, I presume?

Thum:  Who there? Do you have ice pack?

Toole:  I’m afraid not, sir. My name’s Lt. John Toole, with the United States Army. I’m looking for your son-in-law and some associates of his.

Thum:  That asshole send white girl here to kick me in balls. You gonna arrest him?

Toole:  Uh…yes, sir.

Thum:  Good! He at Ding Dong Inn.

Talcum:  (chuckling)  C’mon seriously, where is he?

Thum:  I told you, he at Ding Dong Inn. Most prestigious five-star hotel in all of Saigon. Now one of you gonna get me an ice pack, or what?

Talcum:  (whispers to Toole)  What’s an ice pack?


(That evening in the Red Light District, Ralph and Thom’s jeep is parked in front of the Row Dee Inn; a brightly-neon-lit gentleman’s club..)

Hormel:  Alright, now ladies: I think you two should wait out here. Looks like this could be a…rowdy place.

Mrs. Dung:  (shrugs)  Fine with me.

Bisch:  No way, I’m going in. Besides, those girls will be more trusting talking to a woman.

Riley:  She’s got a point. She is a woman.

Hormel:  Fine. Dung, you wait here with your wife.

Dung:  No way, Jose. You gonna need translator in there!

Mrs. Dung:  (glares at her husband)

Dung:  What? They gonna need translator.

Riley:  He’s right. We do not speak whatever language it is they speak in this exotic land.  (turning to Pete)  Asian?

Dung:  Vietnamese! We speak Vietnamese! You in Vietnam, dummy!

Hormel:  Thom, you’ll come along for the story. Although I’ve noticed you haven’t really written any notes down yet. Little concerned, as our lives might depend on this Rolling Stone article.  (laughs nervously)

Stockton:  (smoking a nearly-kicked cigarette butt, tapping his noggin)  All up here, buddy.

Hormel:  (smiles weakly)  Great. And Mr. Wellington, I assume you’ll be–

Wellington:  –at the bar, yes.


(Toole and Talcum burst in on Igor and Oleg’s suite, where they’re still playing their card and knife game..)

Oleg:  Back so soon, comrades?

Igor:  (whispering loudly)  Quiet, you fool! Those aren’t the same Americans!

Talcum:  Aha! So they were here!

Oleg:  Who?

Talcum:  Nice try, ya slick Russians; but we caught you red-handed!

Toole:  (leans over)  Play it cool, we don’t have anything yet.

Igor:  We do not know who you speak of. We are simple tourists, visiting Saigon.

Toole:  Tourists.

Igor:  Correct.

Toole:  Visiting Saigon.

Igor:  This is true.

Toole:  In the middle of the Vietnam War.

Igor:  Airfare was cheap.

Talcum:  (whispering in Toole’s ear)  I’m not buyin’ it.

Toole:  (glances at Talcum)  Where are the Americans?

Igor:  (smiling)  In America, I would assume.

(Toole pulls out his handgun and shoots Oleg in the foot..)

Oleg:  Owwww! My foot!

Igor:  Have you gone mad?

Toole:  Where are the Americans?

Igor:  I do not know any Americans!

Oleg:  We are Russian!

Toole:  The next bullet goes higher than the foot.

Oleg:  Oh no, not my ankle!

Toole:  I wasn’t thinking ankle.

Oleg:  My knee!

Toole:  Higher.

Oleg:  My thigh?

Talcum:  Holy crap. He’s gonna shoot you in the balls, numbnuts.  (turning to Toole)  You are gonna shoot him in the balls, right?

Toole:  Not if his friend starts talking.

Igor:  (glares down at Oleg)  Say nothing! Be strong, comrade.

Oleg:  (glances down at his still-intact testicles)  The Row Dee Inn! They’re at the Row Dee Inn in the Red Light District!

Igor:  You fool!

Talcum:  Ooh.

Toole:  What?

Talcum:  That’s where I took our friend, Peterson.

Oleg:  (sad face)  My foot.


(Inside the Row Dee Inn, Pete, Annabeth and Dung have located the three prostitutes the Russians chose for the job–The Ho Sisters. Ziggy is at the bar with Ralph and Thom when a fist puts him on the ground. Ziggy stares up groggily at Private Peterson..)

Riley:  Hey, you’re that guy I fell on.

Peterson:  And you’re supposed to be dead!

Riley:  (picks himself up, shrugs)  Sorry, bro.

Peterson:  There was a pretty big reward on your head.

Riley:  Too bad I’m dead.

(Across the crowded bar, Pete is explaining to the Ho Sisters..)

Hormel:  So if the Russians ask, I totally injected you with the poison and you’ve been infecting guys left and right.

Lisa Ho:  What about girls? Can we infect girls?

Dung:  (shaking his head)  Can’t believe these ones speak English too.  (turns to Annabeth)  If my wife asks, I translated the hell outta these girls.

Hormel:  Now, you understand you won’t actually be infecting anyone. I didn’t really inject you with anything. We’re just playing pretend to keep the Russians happy until we can figure a way out of all this.

Becky Ho:  Can we infect animals? I don’t wanna infect my kitty.

Dung:  You have sex with your kitty? How much that cost, Ho?

Hormel:  No. I don’t think you’re following, Becky.

Bisch:  Um, Pete?

(Annabeth points across the club at Ziggy and Peterson getting up in each other’s faces..)

Hormel:  Ah, shit.

(The three rush across the club and Pete separates Ziggy and Peterson while the Rolling Stone writer and photog look on bemusedly..)

Peterson:  That’s it. I’m taking all of you in.  (reaches down for his handgun to no avail)

Wellington:  (holds up the Army pistol)  Looking for this, Guv?

Peterson:  Aw, give it back!

Hormel:  Private, if you can just let us explain–

(Toole and Talcum bust into the gentleman’s club, spot everyone at the bar and race over..)

Toole:  Private Hormel, Riley. My name’s Lt. John Toole. You must come with me this instant.

Riley:  (drops his glass)  Aw, crap. The jig is up, Pete. That wasn’t a slur, Lt. Toole. I’m normally very careful with my words.

Toole:  I’m not here to take you in. I believe you’re innocent. But you must come with me at once.

Hormel:  What about our friends?

Toole:  I suppose they can come too. But we’ve gotta move now.

Kennedy:  What seems to be all the hubbub, Lt. Toole?

(Toole turns to find Gen. Kennedy enjoying a martini with Becky Ho, who winks at Pete as he waves her off..)

Kennedy:  Well, if it isn’t the famous Pete Hormel. Looks like we’ve got the whole Commie Three here. And some friends. Mr. Stockton.

Stockton:  (tips his glass)  General.

Kennedy:  What did you call me in last month’s issue? “Nixon’s lapdog,” was it?

Stockton:  Sounds like me.

Kennedy:  (claps his Lt. on the back)  Good work, Toole. Lock ’em all up. You could be in line for a promotion after a score like this.

Toole:  But, sir–

Kennedy:  Carry on, Lieutenant.

(The General turns to leave with Becky, who turns back and mimes a blowjob at Pete..)

Dung:  (shaking his head)  Can’t believe she have sex with kitty.

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