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‘Nam – Episode 107

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 05/23/2011

PFC’s Pete Hormel and Ziggy Riley — wrongly accused of being war criminals — are on the run through the jungles of Vietnam, accompanied by RN Annabeth Bisch and ex-Viet Cong Haht Dung..

Episode 107 – Redux

Thum:  Well if it isn’t the war criminals, Hormel and Riley.

(Pete nods and Ziggy belches, his face pale from the rocky motorboat journey..)

Thum:  You two are going to make me a very rich man.

Riley:  (hiccups, belches)  Ugh, go to hell.  (leans forward, vomits)

Thum:  (motioning to the Tihts)  Get him to a doctor.

Bisch:  (raises her hand)  I’m a doctor. C’mon, Zig. Let’s go in the next room and let the men talk.

(Annabeth, Ziggy and the Tihts exit and Pete is left alone with legitimate businessman Quan Thum..)

Thum:  Let’s get right to brass tacks, shall we? I want you to come work for me, Mr. Hormel.

Hormel:  Pardon?

Thum:  You’re in a bit of trouble. You have enemies on both sides. I can make all that go away for you.

Hormel:  And how would you do that?

Thum:  I’m a very powerful man, Mr. Hormel. And once Saigon falls, I’ll be even more powerful. And if you help me make that happen, I can make all these bad things go away.

Hormel:  You want me to work with the Viet Cong? Not a chance in hell.

Thum:  (sighs)  I was afraid you would feel that way. My son-in-law warned me, said you were an honorable man. I admire that quality in you. Shame we’re working towards different goals.

Hormel:  Dung knew about this?

Thum:  He’s known all along. So, you won’t work with me. In that case, I’m afraid I have to turn you over to some very bad men.  (hollers toward the closed door)  Tihts! Get in here and take Mr. Hormel to see the Russians.

Hormel:  (eyes narrow)  The Russians?

(The office door swings open and Ziggy and Annabeth enter, pointing the Tiht Brothers’ pistols at Mr. Thum. Pete glances out into the hallway with a grin and sees the Brothers lying unconscious on the ground..)

Bisch:  Sorry, Mr. Thum. The Tihts are predisposed at the moment.

Riley:  (guffaws groggily)  Haha, she said “Tihts”.  (vomits)

Hormel:  Ziggy, you’re sick as a dog.

Thum:  Mmm.

Hormel:  How’d you manage to get the guns away from the Tihts?

Riley:  I may be sick, but they’re still Oriental. Like half my size, dude.

Bisch:  (glances at Ziggy)

Riley:  (looks down)  She did it. She’s actually pretty bad-ass. Kicked ’em both in the nuts and bopped ’em over the head.

Hormel:  Nice work, Bisch.

Bisch:  (smiles)  Thanks, Hormel.

Thum:  (hands raised, scowling behind his desk)  Oh, get a room!

Hormel:  (turning to Thum)  We will. The room where your Russian friends are staying. I’d like to have a word with them.

Thum:  (grumpily scribbles down the address and hands it over)  You won’t get far. This town is crawling with Americans looking for you. The second you leave, I’m getting on the horn and telling them exactly where you’re headed.

Hormel:  Thought about that.  (turns to Annabeth, holds out a hand)  Ms. Bisch, would you do the honors?

Bisch:  (hands Pete her gun, curtsies)  Gladly, Mr. Hormel.

(Annabeth comes around the desk, brings her foot way back..)

~~~

(The Commie Three are met downstairs by a South Vietnamese military jeep being driven by Ralph Wellington with Thom Stockton in the front and Haht Dung in the back with his wife wrapped around him..)

Stockton:  How’d it go? Didja smoke the Commie swine?

Hormel:  (glances at Annabeth, smiling)  Sorta.

(Pete hands Ralph the note..)

Hormel:  You know where this hotel is?

Wellington:  (nods)  Finest in the city. Great little pub in the lobby.

Hormel:  Great. We’ve got some Russians to meet there. Thom, you might wanna tag along. This could help the cover story.

Stockton:  The Russians, eh? I shoulda known the Great Red Mother was behind all this. That old Commie bitch.

(The three climb into the back seat and Ziggy tips an invisible cap to Dung’s wife..)

Riley:  Mrs. Dung.  (reaches into his back pocket, hands Dung the photograph of his wife)  I’ve been meaning to get this back to you, Dung.

Mrs. Dung:  Why he have picture of me, Haht?

Dung:  Don’t get me started on Tall Boy.

Wellington:  (cracks open a can of Vietnamese beer and revs the engine)  To the Ding Dong Inn!

Stockton:  (cracks open another can)  Let’s go bust some red skulls.

Riley:  Can I have one of those?  (leans out jeep window, vomits)

~~~

(Lt. Toole is on the radio with Gen. Kennedy, on the docks of Saigon..)

Toole:  We believe they’re all dead, sir. We came upon the stolen patrol boat as it was sinking into the river. It was taking on water too quickly for anyone to escape. … Yes, sir. … Yes, sir.

Talcum:  (coming back up the dock)  Alright, I gave that Peterson guy some money and left him at a gentleman’s club. What did the General say?

Toole:  He believed me when I told him they went down with the ship. Should buy us some time.

Talcum:  So you really think these guys didn’t do it?

Toole:  Oh, I think they did it. Just unintentionally. It’s a frame-up. Hormel meat is notoriously bad in travel. I imagine the meat went bad of its own accord; no tampering needed. The Army just needs someone to blame. The atrocities are piling up and our support back home is plummeting. If we can just get to them before anyone else, I’m sure we can get to the truth.

Talcum:  Should be easy now that everybody thinks they’re dead.

Toole:  Should be. Just as long as they lay low.

~~~

(Ralph Wellington is drunkenly careening through multiple lanes of traffic on his way to the Ding Dong Inn, his passengers swaying violently in the back. Ziggy leans out the window and rains vomit on the sidewalks as passersby stare on in horror..)

Riley:  Must’ve been something I ate.

Bisch:  My guess would be the monkey meat.

Riley:  Who knew you shouldn’t eat monkey meat?

Dung:  Pretty much everybody, dumbass.

Hormel:  Don’t you “dumbass” him, Dung!

Dung:  What got up your butt, Killer?

Hormel:  (turns to Annabeth and Ziggy, pointing at Dung)  He knew! He knew all along!

Bisch:  He what.

Hormel:  He knew about this whole plan. The Russians. His father. He knew about all of it!

Dung:  Father-in-law.

Riley:  (turns to Dung with fire in his eyes, spit running down his chin)  He knew??

Hormel:  He knew this whole time. He was gonna turn us in. Have us killed.

Dung:  But I didn’t! We’re friends now, buddy! I’m on your side.

Hormel:  Too little, too late.

Dung:  I’m here now, aren’t I? We’re gonna get those Russians! I didn’t stay behind with Quan, even after Crazy Girl kicked him in balls!

Mrs. Dung:  You kicked my father where?

Bisch:  His balls. Sorry.

Mrs. Dung:  (smiles, shrugs)  It’s alright.

Hormel:  You could’ve warned us, Dung. We thought we were reuniting you with your wife. We didn’t know we were heading toward a trap.

Stockton:  If you American Heroes are done hollering back there..

(The group looks up through the jeep’s roof at a sprawling six-story hotel resort..)

Stockton:  We’re here. The Ding Dong Inn.

Wellington:  Right, I shall be in the pub. Come and get me whenever you are done doing whatever it is you’re going to do to the Communists.

Bisch:  (getting out of the jeep, turning to Pete)  What are we gonna do?

Hormel:  We’re just gonna have a little chat.  (turns to Dung)  You stay in the car.

Dung:  (frowns, crosses his arms)  Fine! I like to sit!

Riley:  I’ll be in the pub with the queer British guy.

(Pete grabs Zig by the arm and drags him toward the lobby..)

~~~

(Toole and Talcum reach the top floor of an apartment building in southern Saigon..)

Toole:  That Dung character was married. If they made it to the city, he’ll be here.

(Talcum bangs on the door for a few minutes until an elderly woman next door opens hers..)

Ethel:  Stop bangin’ door!

Toole:  Excuse me, ma’am. Do you happen to know where Mr. and Mrs. Dung are?

Ethel:  Probably at her father’s office downtown. He important businessman. Quan Thum.  (eyes narrow)  You American?

Talcum:  No, we’re…Australian….mate.

Toole:  (knocks Talcum on the back of the head)  Yes, ma’am. We’re Americans. We think your neighbors might be in trouble and we want to help them.

Ethel:  I like you Americans. Pinocchio good movie.

Toole:  (smiles)  It sure is. Do you happen to know where exactly downtown Mr. Thum is?

Ethel:  You wish upon star! You wish upon star!

Talcum:  (whispering in Toole’s ear)  Let’s just go ask around downtown. This lady’s loonier than a Canadian dollar bill.

(The men turn to leave and Ethel hollers after them..)

Ethel:  Jiminy Clicket!

~~~

(Oleg and Igor are in their sixth-floor suite playing some weird Russian card game that involves knives when the door is kicked in by Ziggy and the gang, guns drawn..)

Igor:  (rising from his chair)  What is the meaning of this?

Riley:  (belches juicily, pointing his pistol at Igor’s head)  Back in your seat, Vladimir!

Igor:  My name is Igor!

Riley:  That probably would’ve been my second guess.

Hormel:  (steps in front of Ziggy)  My name is Pete Hormel. These are my associates. We’d like to ask you a couple questions.

Igor:  (sits back down with a grin)  Hormel. The very man we’ve been looking for.

Hormel:  Yes, I know. I’ve already spoken with Mr. Thum.

Oleg:  (eyes widen)  So you know about the secret weapon?

Riley:  (turns to Pete, to Annabeth and back to Oleg)  Yup.

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