Totally Radical Sportz!

‘Nam – Episode 105

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 05/17/2011

PFC’s Pete Hormel and Ziggy Riley — wrongly accused of being war criminals — are on the run through the jungles of Vietnam, accompanied by RN Annabeth Bisch and ex-Viet Cong Haht Dung..

Episode 105 – The Search

(Pete, Ziggy, Annabeth, Dung and Capt. Levy are bound in the back of the boat as the Tiht Brothers argue over who gets to steer them back down the Thiem to Saigon..)

Lonh:  I know where we’re going, buddy!

Bonh:  (grabbing the wheel back)  Of course you do. We’re going back the way we came, dummy!

Lonh:  You’re the dummy, dummy!

Dung:  You’re both dummies. Where are you Tihts takin’ me and my friends?

Lonh:  We’re takin’ you back to Saigon!

Riley:  Thanks for keeping us abreast of the situation.

(The Tihts stare at Zig in silence..)

Riley:  (turning to Annabeth)  Get it? Because boobs?

Bisch:  (staring down at the boat deck)  I get it, Zig.

Hormel:  You know, you really don’t need to tie us up for all of this. We want to go to Saigon.

Dung:  Yeah, I wanna see my wife. Dung ain’t gonna hurt nobody.

Levy:  Don’t listen to ’em! They’re war criminals!

Lonh:  What you doin’ with these Americans anyway, Dung?

Dung:  They my friends. We been through thick and thin.

Bonh:  What would Gen. Nguyen think of you going through thick and thin with a bunch of Americans?

Dung:  I’m not with Gen. Nguyen anymore. He kick me out of the Viet Cong.

(Lonh lets his brother Bonh take the wheel, walks to the rear of the boat and slaps Dung across the face..)

Lonh:  That wasn’t part of the deal, Haht!

Dung:  Ow! I got backup plan; but it involve these three, so you can’t kill ’em.

Lonh:  What about Steamboat Willie?

Dung:  Yeah, you can kill him.

Bisch:  Haht!

(Lonh grabs Capt. Levy and takes him over to the edge of the boat, pistol against his temple..)

Levy:  Whoa, hey! I can be of some assistance to you fellas. Let’s not do anything hasty.

Riley:  (glaring)  Kill him!

Bisch:  Ziggy, no!

Riley:  But do it on three.  (eyes narrow)  He likes to count to three.

Levy:  Say a rain shower comes along. This river floods and when it does you can find yourself off-course pretty quickly.

Bonh:  Don’t listen to him. It’s a river. River’s like a road of water.

Riley:  (nods)  Water-road.

Levy:  Yeah, but when it floods the water can rise twenty feet and take you into the surrounding valleys. You could be lost for weeks!

Hormel:  He makes some good points, Mr. …Tiht, is it?

Riley:  (stifles a chuckle)

Lonh:  (ponders for a moment)  Nah.

(Lonh puts a bullet through the Captain’s head and dumps him overboard as everyone looks on in horror..)

Riley:  Whoa. Shit just got real.

~~~

(Lt. Toole and Private Talcum are rowing a homemade reed canoe down the Thiem..)

Toole:  Where did you learn how to build a canoe, anyway?

Talcum:  Eagle Scouts.

Toole:  Very impressive.

(The canoe immediately disintegrates and the pair manage to swim ashore against the strong current..)

Toole:  (glaring)  Eagle Scouts, huh?

Talcum:  (looking down)  I was just trying to impress you.

Toole:  You weren’t even in the Eagle Scouts, were you?

Talcum:  (shaking his head)  I was in the Brownies for a couple weeks. Used to have long hair. And my mom liked their cookies.

~~~

(An hour later, the Tihts are steering the PBR Abraham III through a torrential downpour, as the river waters rise..)

Lonh:  This doesn’t look like the way we came in.

Bonh:  Why you have to shoot that captain, dumbo?

Lonh:  I got trigger happy! So sue me!

Dung:  It’s that Captain! He put a White Man’s Curse on our boat! We’re doomed!

Riley:  (turning to Pete)  But we should be fine, right?

(Silence..)

Riley:  Because we’re white?

Lonh:  You there, the war criminal. You good with boats?

Hormel:  Absolutely.

Riley:  (scoffs)  No, you aren’t!

Bisch:  (elbows Zig hard in the ribs)

Lonh:  If we untie you, you gonna try to escape?

Hormel:  I can’t walk on water. I ain’t Jesus.

Bonh:  (scowling)  You better not be.

~~~

(Toole and Talcum are trudging through the dense jungle undergrowth in the same torrential downpour. Lt. Toole glares at Private Talcum as he clears branches away with his machete..)

Talcum:  ‘Bout time we got a good shower.

Toole:  Just shut up, Talcum.

Talcum:  You know I was thinkin’, Lieutenant.

Toole:  A frightening thought.

Talcum:  You know what would solve this whole war business?

Toole:  Peace talks?

Talcum:  Aliens.

Toole: 

Talcum:  Think about it, though. If we were invaded by aliens tomorrow, we’d forget all about ‘Nam. There wouldn’t be anymore democracy or communism. None of that. It would just be us and them. We’d forget all our differences and finally be united against a common cause.

Toole:  That actually isn’t completely retarded. Now stop talking.

Talcum:  The aliens would be all like, “Gleep glop.”

~~~

(Legitimate Vietnamese businessman Quan Thum is back in his Saigon office with two USSR Army officers..)

Thum:  I’ve just now gotten off the radio with the Tihts.

Oleg:  Da?

Thum:  They say they have found my son-in-law and are returning with him in tow, posthaste.

Igor:  And the Americans? The war criminals?

Thum:  They are being transported as well. All should arrive by tomorrow evening. They have commandeered an American river patrol boat and are heading south on the Thiem as we speak.

Igor:  This is good. We must take the Americans alive. They could be the key to everything.

Thum:  You fellas really think you’re going to win this thing, huh?

Oleg:  We know it! We are Russian!

Igor:  We are confident that the Communist forces shall prevail. Then you shall be able to operate freely without any trepidation as to authoritative interruption.

Thum:  This Communism thing sounds alright to me. I don’t know why the South Vietnamese are fighting it so hard.

Oleg:  Da! Communism good!

Igor:  Communism profits the clever. If one knows how to work the system, one will see riches beyond his wildest dreams.

Thum:  Oh, Quan knows how to work the system. In school they call me “System-Working Quan”.

Igor:  And soon this whole country shall be under Thum.

Thum:  (chuckles)  Hey, I like that! I might use that.

Igor:  You will notify us when the Americans arrive.

Thum:  (smiles)  Da.

~~~

Bonh:  Where you learn how to drive boat? Boat-driving school?

Riley:  Man, did all you Vietnamese have the same crappy joke book growing up?

Dung:  Yes, stupid! We live in Vietnam!

(Pete steers the boat into another exposed tree stump..)

Hormel:  Sorry. It’s just that — what with the flooding — we’re not really on the river anymore. We’re essentially driving on land.

Bonh:  Boat on land? Impossible!

Hormel:  Well, not literally. But under the flood waters.

Bonh:  There land under all water, you dumb American!

Riley:  He’s got ya there, Pete.

Hormel:  Shut up, Zig.

~~~

(Lt. Toole has managed to zone out Private Talcum’s constant yammering, so he doesn’t hear Talcum exclaim at first..)

Talcum:  VC! VC, Lieutenant! VC!

(Talcum drags Toole down into a crouching position as they peer out through the wall of rain at three soldiers fumbling along the river’s edge with a small canoe. Lt. Toole silently motions to Talcum and aims his rifle at the soldier on the left, while Talcum nods and aims at the one on the right. Toole counts to three and both men fire, dropping their targets. PFC Peterson spins on his heel and falls back into the canoe with his hands up..)

Peterson:  I surrender! I surrender!

Toole:  (eyes bug)  Oh, shit.

Talcum:  (turning to Toole)  Lieutenant, are there white Vietnamese?

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