The President – Episode 308
Through a series of unfortunate tragedies, 27-year-old Deputy Secretary of Transportation Holden Jackson became the youngest President in the history of the United States. Now he’s at war with Canada..
Episode 308 – The French Incident
Busey: I’m just glad I got away from that bear.
Jackson: Yeah, how’d you do that anyway?
Busey: (shrugs) Nature and stuff.
(President Jackson is getting into his tuxedo as his best man and Chief of Staff Wilbur Chamberlain gets off the phone with Gen. Rusty Reynolds..)
Chamberlain: Gen. Reynolds says the Mexican Army is fast approaching and should arrive at the Canadian Army’s Meadowlands base camp in a matter of hours. Are you sure that it is wise to have a Presidential wedding on the day of what could be the largest battle this country has seen since Antietam?
Jackson: Any more talk like that and you’re getting demoted to usher. Gary can be my best man.
Busey: (pumps his fist) Yes! I still have a shot.
Chamberlain: And when do you plan on using the Canadian Wife trump card with Prime Minister Clarke in order to stop this war?
Jackson: After the wedding, Wilby. Duh. Now enough chit-chat, I’ve got a Canadian to marry.
Busey: We’re gonna need a translator for the vows, boss.
(Jessica Sanchez is bouncing a tennis ball against the tent flap in the makeshift Canadian prison cell when Lt. Gregg brings in her breakfast..)
Gregg: Here’s some Canadian bacon, ma’am.
Sanchez: (groans) God, enough with the ham.
Gregg: I’d just like to say you’ve been a really great prisoner, Ms. Sanchez. You haven’t complained or caused a fuss and we really appreciate that.
Sanchez: This whole Canadian niceness thing is really beginning to wear thin.
Gregg: Oh I’m sorry about that, eh?
(Jessica hucks the “bacon” at the Lieutenant as he hustles out of the tent.)
(Pancho shakes a sleeping, still-shirtless Paco as the Mayflower truck full of Mexican soldiers rumbles into southern New Jersey..)
Pancho: Wake up, Paco. We’re almost there, put your Army shirt on.
Paco: (rubs his eyes) Ai, so sleepy.
Pancho: Are you ready to take over America, esé?
Paco: Si. But first I need a siesta. (goes back to sleep)
(Gary escorts a blindfolded Holden back to the Oval Office and the President bumps into a number of walls along the way..)
Jackson: (smiling, bumps into a wall) You didn’t have to get me anything, buddy. It’s just a little old wedding to save the future of America. No big deal.
(Gary opens up the door to the Oval Office and tears off Holden’s blindfold, revealing the three rotund strippers from Wilbur’s hospital birthday party dancing on top of a creaking Resolute Desk..)
Jackson: (averting his eyes) Oh Gary, you really shouldn’t have.
Busey: (does a bump of coke) Bachelor party!
(Canadian Gen. Peter Peters looks out over the quiet Meadowlands, a map of New York City laid out on the hood of his humvee..)
Peters: In twenty-four hours that’ll all be ours, Lt. Gregg.
Gregg: Yes, sir.
Peters: Why don’t you get PM Clarke on the line, see if he’s ready to give the ‘ol go-ahead.
Gregg: (fishes around in his pockets) Oh I lost my cellular phone there, buddy.
(Jessica sneaks off to a quiet corner of the prison tent and dials the Oval Office..)
Sanchez: C’mon, c’mon. Pick up.
(A drunk President Jackson picks up the phone as Poison and three shrieking fat strippers sound off in the background..)
Sanchez: Oh, thank God. Holden, it’s Jessica. I’m being held captive as a prisoner of war by the Canadians!
Jackson: (hiccups) Who this is? Wilby?
Sanchez: No, it’s Jessica. I’m being held prisoner! What’s all that racket?
Jackson: Wilby, you gotta get your pasty British ass over here. Gary is throwing the most bomb-ass bachelor party in the Ovoid Office. The strippers are fat; but I am, like, super wasted.
Sanchez: Holden. Put somebody else on the line. I am in grave danger. You need to send help at once.
Jackson: (hiccups) And see if Jessica wants to come too. She’s been, like, avoiding me because of the wedding or something.
Sanchez: No, Holden. This is Jessica. I’m being held cap–
Jackson: I just wish I could tell her that it’s a sham marriage with a Canadian citizen in order to stop the war and that I don’t really love Kristen; ’cause I already love Jessica and I always have. (hiccups) You know?
Sanchez: Goddammit, Holden. Listen– wait, what?
Jackson: Anyway, Wilby; get over here. I know how you love them big girls.
Busey: (into the phone) Whooo! Bachelor party! (*click*)
Sanchez: (smiling) That big stupid idiot.
(Jessica lifts up the prison tent flap, glances around and makes a break for it..)
(The Mayflower truck lands just north of the Meadowlands and the Mexican Army piles out and begins marching toward the Canadian Army’s base camp..)
Paco: This is exciting, Pancho.
Pancho: Si, Paco. I’ve never been in a war before.
Paco: No, I’m still not wearing a shirt.
Pancho: (glances over at Paco’s toplessness) Ai dios mio, Paco.
(Canadian Prime Minister Clarke is exiting his private jet, heading for the White House, on the phone with his secretary..)
Clarke: No, Margaret. I don’t know why the President asked me to the White House. … No, I don’t think it’s a trap. … Oh, nonsense. I’m not in any danger. … Hey, I think we’re gonna have to hire a new stewardess. … No matter, we can talk about it later. … Hang on, that British guy’s coming towards me.
(Wilbur smiles and holds out his hand for the Prime Minister at the White House gates..)
Chamberlain: Mr. Prime Minister, it’s a pleasure to have you here. The President was hoping you would join us for this, uh…blessed day. The ceremony’s about to begin, won’t you follow me?
Clarke: Sure thing, Mr. Chamberlain. (over the phone, to Margaret) Hey Margaret, they’ve got a lot of security at this White House place. You think we should get some at Langevin Block?
(Jessica Sanchez managed to evade the Canadian Army, got back to her car and screamed down I-95; breaking several speed laws along the way before arriving outside the White House. She’s let in by security and races back to the Rose Garden in time to catch the beginning of the ceremony. A wobbly, still-drunk President Jackson is standing across from a beaming Kristen Richards..)
Priest: We are gathered here today to join Ms. Kristen Richards and President Holden Jackson in holy matrimony.
Jackson: (hiccups) I do, Elvis!
(Assembled family and friends chuckle. Kristen leans over..)
Richards: You might wanna just skip ahead, Reverend.
Priest: President Jackson, do you take Ms. Richards to be your lawfully-wedded wife, in sickness and health, ’til death do you part?
Richards: He does. And I do too.
Priest: (shrugs) Very well, you may now kiss the bride.
(Holden leans over and vomits all over Kristen’s shoes..)
(The Mexican Army is pummeling the retreating Canadian forces and Lt. Gregg peeks into the prison tent..)
Gregg: Oh hey, sir. Our prisoner’s gone.
Peters: Ah jeez, this just ain’t our day. Is it, Greg?
(Wilbur Chamberlain explains the reasoning behind the wedding to PM Clarke as Holden staggers around the dance floor with Kristen..)
Chamberlain: So you see how, in this situation Mr. Prime Minister, everybody wins. Sort’ve.
Clarke: Well I am kinda getting sick of this whole war thing, eh? And they do seem like a nice couple. Tell you what, open up a couple Tim Horton’s here in the states, air more curling, put that nice Trebek fella back on the television and you got yourself a deal.
Chamberlain: I think we can handle…some of that.
(The two men shake hands as Jessica taps Kristen on the shoulder..)
Sanchez: You mind if I take him for a spin?
Mrs. Jackson: Sure. I’ve gotta wash these shoes off anyway.
(Holden rests his head on Jessica’s shoulder as Etta James’ “At Last” comes on..)
Sanchez: I heard what you said on the phone, Holden.
Sanchez: About how this is a sham marriage.
Sanchez: And how you don’t really love Kristen.
Jackson: Mmhmm. (hiccup)
Sanchez: And how you really love me.
Jackson: Mm. Hmm?
(Holden raises his head up and stares warily at a smiling Jessica..)
Jackson: Oh crap, that was you? I thought that was Wilby!
Sanchez: (chuckles) I know.
Jackson: So…now what?
Sanchez: Well, I’m still not totally comfortable with dating a President. Or a married man for that matter. Why don’t we wait until your term is over and you’re a private citizen again and you can take me out somewhere nice. We’ll just…see where it goes from there.
Jackson: Honest injun?
Sanchez: (sighs) Honest injun.
(Holden raises his fists in the air and sprints around the garden, shrieking and high-fiving random foreign dignitaries..)
(A drunken Secretary of Defense Gary Busey stumbles into the situation room with one of the fat strippers and plops himself down in front of the control panel..)
Busey: Time to show those Canadians who’s boss.
Stripper: (giggles) Get ’em, daddy.
(Gary sets the coordinates for Montreal, Quebec and flips a switch..)
Busey: Bombs away, fuckheads!
Stripper: Wow, daddy. That was alotta nukes you just launched.
Busey: (un-blacks out) I did what now?
(French PM Jacque Jacques is on the phone with the French embassy in America..)
Jacques: Oui? Oui?? OUI??? … Sacre bleu.
(Wilbur approaches Holden as he helps hose off his new bride’s shoes..)
Mrs. Jackson: Jesus. Did you eat paste?
Jackson: I thought it was cinnamon bun icing.
Chamberlain: Sir, it’s the French Prime Minister. He just declared war on America.
Mrs. Jackson: Oh my God!
(Holden turns to Kristen, turns to Wilbur and back to Kristen..)
Jackson: I think we should get a divorce.