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The President – Episode 307

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 04/15/2011

Through a series of unfortunate tragedies, 27-year-old Deputy Secretary of Transportation Holden Jackson became the youngest President in the history of the United States. Now he’s at war with Canada..

Episode 307 – Man In A Trap

Peters:  And over here’s the gaming tent. Soldiers can come in and play the latest arcade games like Ms. Pac-Man 2 and Bubble Bobble’s Revenge.

Sanchez:  Neat.

Peters:  Now let’s head over to the grub tent and get some breakfast, eh?

(Gen. Peter Peters is giving Fox News correspondent Jessica Sanchez — who he believes is a reporter for Canadian Hunting & Fishing Magazine — a tour of the Canadian Army’s settlement in the Meadowlands, south of New York City..)

Sanchez:  Thanks again for taking me around, General. What’s for breakfast?

Peters:  Canadian bacon!

Sanchez:  Great, I love bacon.

(A grunt soldier drops a plate of ham in front of Jessica..)

Sanchez:  Oh sorry, can I have some bacon?

Grunt:  Sure can, ma’am. You can have that bacon right there.

Sanchez:  Uh, this is ham.

Peters:  That’s what Canadian bacon is, Ms. Sanchez. What were you, born in Quebec?

(The table of Canadian Army officers chuckle..)

Sanchez:  So, what do you call regular bacon?

Grunt:  What in the heck’s regular bacon?

Peters:  (guffaws)  I’ve never heard of such a thing.

(The table of officers laughs again as Jessica stares out the tent flaps..)

Sanchez:  Maybe I can call Gary to come pick me up.

~~~

(Sec. of Defense Gary Busey is somewhere in the deep woods of Northern Virginia, stuck in a bear trap..)

Busey:  Help! I’m stuck in a bear trap!

~~~

(In the back of a Mayflower moving truck leaving Texas, the Mexican Army is loaded up and on their way to New York City to confront the Canadian forces..)

Paco:  Pancho, what is a Canadian?

Pancho:  (shrugs)  I think it is just a cold American.

Paco:  And why are we fighting them?

Pancho:  Because El Presidente don’t like Canada no more.

Paco:  Why’s that?

Pancho:  Because they wouldn’t share America with us.

Paco:  But if we beat Canada, we still don’t get any of America.

Pancho:  Si.

Paco:  (pondering)  So Pancho, why are we on this truck?

Miguel:  (holding a portable TV)  Will you two quiet down? I’m trying to watch Amores Para Muchos.

~~~

(President Jackson is pacing up and down the halls of the White House with his Chief of Staff close behind..)

Jackson:  I haven’t heard from Jessica or Gary in a day, Wilbur! Do you think something went wrong?

Chamberlain:  Are you asking me if I think a reconnaissance mission led by Gary Busey into an enemy’s military encampment went wrong?

Jackson:  Yes, Wilbur! That’s exactly what I’m asking you! Get the corn out of your ears!

Chamberlain:  In that case, yes. I believe something went horribly, horribly wrong.

Jackson:  Oh God, they’ve taken her. They’ve taken the love of my life! Those monsters!

Chamberlain:  Mr. President, I don’t believe we should jump to any hasty conclusions.

Jackson:  We’re at war, Wilbur. That’s all war is. A series of hasty conclusions.

Chamberlain:  Hmm, that actually kind of makes sense.

Jackson:  Get me PM Clarke. It’s time we had a little chat.

Chamberlain:  Yes, sir.

Jackson:  And get me a Canadian translator.

Chamberlain:  Oh, sir…

~~~

(A pack of coyotes look on hungrily as Gary Busey struggles against the bear trap..)

Busey:  Oh, the pain! It’s coursing through my leg!  (pops pills)  And my Canada drugs are almost gone!

Coyote:  (licks chops)

~~~

(Jessica is trying in vain to call Gary, but keeps getting his voicemail..)

Sanchez:  C’mon, Gary. Pick up, ya doofus.

Peters:  (emerges from grub tent, rubbing his belly)  Good breakfast, eh Ms. Sanchez? You enjoy your bacon?

Sanchez:  Stop calling it that. It’s ham.

Peters:  So, whaddya wanna see next? We want Canadian Hunting & Fishing Magazine to have the whole story.

Sanchez:  Actually, I was thinking of heading back home…to Canada. I have to walk my…reindeer?

Peters:  Hey, we’ve all got reindeer we’d like to walk. But this is important business here, eh? We’re expanding the Canadian Empire as far as the eye can see.

Sanchez:  That’s nice, but I really should be getting back. To Canada.

Peters:  If you want, I can show you our strategy tent where we plan all our battles.

Sanchez:  (stops in her tracks)  That could be interesting.

~~~

(Back in the Mayflower truck, Paco removes his shirt..)

Paco:  Is getting hot in this truck, Pancho.

Pancho:  Only a few more hours and we’ll be in New York, Paco.

Paco:  What if, after we knock off Canada, we turn our guns on the Americanos and take the country for ourselves. I bet those gringos wouldn’t see it coming.

Pancho:  (pondering)  Say Paco, that’s just loco enough to work. You should tell El Generale.

Paco:  Okay. Hey, El Generale!

(Gen. Tomas Lopez turns around from the back of the truck, removing the cigar from his mouth..)

Lopez:  Si?

~~~

(A coyote nibbles at Gary’s hair and he swats it away..)

Busey:  (hollering)  Losin’ alotta blood here! Man stuck in a bear trap over here!

Coyote:  (howls)

(More coyotes come in from nearby glens..)

Busey:  (looking around)  What is there, a convention?

~~~

(Holden Jackson is on the phone with Canadian PM Clark Clarke..)

Jackson:  Alright Clarke, I’ve had about enough of you.

Clarke:  Oh what’s the matter there, eh?

Jackson:  (hand over the receiver, to Wilbur)  You get that translator yet?

Chamberlain:  They speak English, sir.

Jackson:  (into the phone)  I want you to release Jessica Sanchez at once!

Clarke:  Eh?

Chamberlain:  (whispering)  And Gary, sir!

Jackson:  And Gary Busey! Although if you can only release one, make it Jessica.

Clarke:  I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about there, Mr. President. Don’tcha know.

Jackson:  No, I don’t know.  (to Wilbur)  He’s saying weird things!

Chamberlain:  (shrugs)

Clarke:  Oh, I don’t know either.

Jackson:  What are we talking about?  Listen Clarke, release Sanchez at once or I’m gonna be wicked pissed.

Clarke:  I don’t know who this Sanchez lady is; but I assure you we don’t have her.

Jackson:  Don’t toy with me, Clarke. I know you’re holding her at your Meadowlands base camp. I want her!

Clarke:  Listen, why don’t I give Gen. Peters a ring and we’ll straighten this whole thing out, eh?

Jackson:  Okay, you do that.

Clarke:  And President Jackson, I’d hate for something as silly as a war to get in the way of our friendship.

Jackson:  (glaring)  Stop being so nice!

(Holden hangs up and leans back in his chair, turning to Wilbur..)

Jackson:  Told him.

~~~

(Gen. Peters is showing Jessica around the strategy tent, as she feverishly scribbles down notes..)

Peters:  And that’s how we’ll take New York. I’m sure your Canadian Hunting & Fishing Magazine readers will find that of interest, eh? Of course, you understand that we can’t have you print any of this until after the attack.

Sanchez:  It is an ingenious plan, General. I’m sure the Americans won’t see it coming.

Peters:  Oh gee, I hope not, don’tcha know?

Sanchez:  Um…eh?

Gregg:  Sir, PM Clarke on the line for you.

Peters:  If you’ll excuse me, Ms. Sanchez.

(Gen. Peters follows Lt. Gregg outside and Jessica dials her cellphone..)

Sanchez:  C’mon Gary, pick up.

~~~

(Busey stares forlornly at his ringing cellphone, yards away..)

Busey:  (petting a coyote)  Good reception out here, eh boy?

Coyote:  (licks Gary’s face)

~~~

(Gen. Peters stares into the strategy tent at Jessica still taking notes, as PM Clarke explains the situation..)

Peters:  I understand, Mr. Prime Minister. Will do. You take care now.  (re-enters the tent)  Ms. Sanchez, I’ve got one more tent to show you to complete the tour.

Sanchez:  (smiling)  Oh yeah? What’s that?

Peters:  The prison tent.

~~~

Lopez:  Paco, that is a devious plan.

Paco:  Thank you, El Generale.

Lopez:  I’m going to go directly to El Presidente with this. You’ll be in line for a promotion.

Paco:  I would like that, sir. Thank you.

Lopez:  Now put your shirt back on, soldier.

Paco:  (pouts)  But ees hot!

~~~

(Holden Jackson is thumbing through a Canadian-to-English dictionary..)

Jackson:  Hey Wilby, check this out. They spell it “doughnuts”.

~~~

(A number of coyotes band together and somehow manage to release Gary from the bear trap. He gets up, rubs his sore ankle and pets the lead coyote..)

Busey:  I knew you guys were alright. Wonder why they have a bear trap all the way out here, anyway.

Bear:  (growls)

Busey:  (urinates)

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