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The President – Episode 307

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 04/15/2011

Through a series of unfortunate tragedies, 27-year-old Deputy Secretary of Transportation Holden Jackson became the youngest President in the history of the United States. Now he’s at war with Canada..

Episode 307 – Man In A Trap

Peters:  And over here’s the gaming tent. Soldiers can come in and play the latest arcade games like Ms. Pac-Man 2 and Bubble Bobble’s Revenge.

Sanchez:  Neat.

Peters:  Now let’s head over to the grub tent and get some breakfast, eh?

(Gen. Peter Peters is giving Fox News correspondent Jessica Sanchez — who he believes is a reporter for Canadian Hunting & Fishing Magazine — a tour of the Canadian Army’s settlement in the Meadowlands, south of New York City..)

Sanchez:  Thanks again for taking me around, General. What’s for breakfast?

Peters:  Canadian bacon!

Sanchez:  Great, I love bacon.

(A grunt soldier drops a plate of ham in front of Jessica..)

Sanchez:  Oh sorry, can I have some bacon?

Grunt:  Sure can, ma’am. You can have that bacon right there.

Sanchez:  Uh, this is ham.

Peters:  That’s what Canadian bacon is, Ms. Sanchez. What were you, born in Quebec?

(The table of Canadian Army officers chuckle..)

Sanchez:  So, what do you call regular bacon?

Grunt:  What in the heck’s regular bacon?

Peters:  (guffaws)  I’ve never heard of such a thing.

(The table of officers laughs again as Jessica stares out the tent flaps..)

Sanchez:  Maybe I can call Gary to come pick me up.


(Sec. of Defense Gary Busey is somewhere in the deep woods of Northern Virginia, stuck in a bear trap..)

Busey:  Help! I’m stuck in a bear trap!


(In the back of a Mayflower moving truck leaving Texas, the Mexican Army is loaded up and on their way to New York City to confront the Canadian forces..)

Paco:  Pancho, what is a Canadian?

Pancho:  (shrugs)  I think it is just a cold American.

Paco:  And why are we fighting them?

Pancho:  Because El Presidente don’t like Canada no more.

Paco:  Why’s that?

Pancho:  Because they wouldn’t share America with us.

Paco:  But if we beat Canada, we still don’t get any of America.

Pancho:  Si.

Paco:  (pondering)  So Pancho, why are we on this truck?

Miguel:  (holding a portable TV)  Will you two quiet down? I’m trying to watch Amores Para Muchos.


(President Jackson is pacing up and down the halls of the White House with his Chief of Staff close behind..)

Jackson:  I haven’t heard from Jessica or Gary in a day, Wilbur! Do you think something went wrong?

Chamberlain:  Are you asking me if I think a reconnaissance mission led by Gary Busey into an enemy’s military encampment went wrong?

Jackson:  Yes, Wilbur! That’s exactly what I’m asking you! Get the corn out of your ears!

Chamberlain:  In that case, yes. I believe something went horribly, horribly wrong.

Jackson:  Oh God, they’ve taken her. They’ve taken the love of my life! Those monsters!

Chamberlain:  Mr. President, I don’t believe we should jump to any hasty conclusions.

Jackson:  We’re at war, Wilbur. That’s all war is. A series of hasty conclusions.

Chamberlain:  Hmm, that actually kind of makes sense.

Jackson:  Get me PM Clarke. It’s time we had a little chat.

Chamberlain:  Yes, sir.

Jackson:  And get me a Canadian translator.

Chamberlain:  Oh, sir…


(A pack of coyotes look on hungrily as Gary Busey struggles against the bear trap..)

Busey:  Oh, the pain! It’s coursing through my leg!  (pops pills)  And my Canada drugs are almost gone!

Coyote:  (licks chops)


(Jessica is trying in vain to call Gary, but keeps getting his voicemail..)

Sanchez:  C’mon, Gary. Pick up, ya doofus.

Peters:  (emerges from grub tent, rubbing his belly)  Good breakfast, eh Ms. Sanchez? You enjoy your bacon?

Sanchez:  Stop calling it that. It’s ham.

Peters:  So, whaddya wanna see next? We want Canadian Hunting & Fishing Magazine to have the whole story.

Sanchez:  Actually, I was thinking of heading back home…to Canada. I have to walk my…reindeer?

Peters:  Hey, we’ve all got reindeer we’d like to walk. But this is important business here, eh? We’re expanding the Canadian Empire as far as the eye can see.

Sanchez:  That’s nice, but I really should be getting back. To Canada.

Peters:  If you want, I can show you our strategy tent where we plan all our battles.

Sanchez:  (stops in her tracks)  That could be interesting.


(Back in the Mayflower truck, Paco removes his shirt..)

Paco:  Is getting hot in this truck, Pancho.

Pancho:  Only a few more hours and we’ll be in New York, Paco.

Paco:  What if, after we knock off Canada, we turn our guns on the Americanos and take the country for ourselves. I bet those gringos wouldn’t see it coming.

Pancho:  (pondering)  Say Paco, that’s just loco enough to work. You should tell El Generale.

Paco:  Okay. Hey, El Generale!

(Gen. Tomas Lopez turns around from the back of the truck, removing the cigar from his mouth..)

Lopez:  Si?


(A coyote nibbles at Gary’s hair and he swats it away..)

Busey:  (hollering)  Losin’ alotta blood here! Man stuck in a bear trap over here!

Coyote:  (howls)

(More coyotes come in from nearby glens..)

Busey:  (looking around)  What is there, a convention?


(Holden Jackson is on the phone with Canadian PM Clark Clarke..)

Jackson:  Alright Clarke, I’ve had about enough of you.

Clarke:  Oh what’s the matter there, eh?

Jackson:  (hand over the receiver, to Wilbur)  You get that translator yet?

Chamberlain:  They speak English, sir.

Jackson:  (into the phone)  I want you to release Jessica Sanchez at once!

Clarke:  Eh?

Chamberlain:  (whispering)  And Gary, sir!

Jackson:  And Gary Busey! Although if you can only release one, make it Jessica.

Clarke:  I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about there, Mr. President. Don’tcha know.

Jackson:  No, I don’t know.  (to Wilbur)  He’s saying weird things!

Chamberlain:  (shrugs)

Clarke:  Oh, I don’t know either.

Jackson:  What are we talking about?  Listen Clarke, release Sanchez at once or I’m gonna be wicked pissed.

Clarke:  I don’t know who this Sanchez lady is; but I assure you we don’t have her.

Jackson:  Don’t toy with me, Clarke. I know you’re holding her at your Meadowlands base camp. I want her!

Clarke:  Listen, why don’t I give Gen. Peters a ring and we’ll straighten this whole thing out, eh?

Jackson:  Okay, you do that.

Clarke:  And President Jackson, I’d hate for something as silly as a war to get in the way of our friendship.

Jackson:  (glaring)  Stop being so nice!

(Holden hangs up and leans back in his chair, turning to Wilbur..)

Jackson:  Told him.


(Gen. Peters is showing Jessica around the strategy tent, as she feverishly scribbles down notes..)

Peters:  And that’s how we’ll take New York. I’m sure your Canadian Hunting & Fishing Magazine readers will find that of interest, eh? Of course, you understand that we can’t have you print any of this until after the attack.

Sanchez:  It is an ingenious plan, General. I’m sure the Americans won’t see it coming.

Peters:  Oh gee, I hope not, don’tcha know?

Sanchez:  Um…eh?

Gregg:  Sir, PM Clarke on the line for you.

Peters:  If you’ll excuse me, Ms. Sanchez.

(Gen. Peters follows Lt. Gregg outside and Jessica dials her cellphone..)

Sanchez:  C’mon Gary, pick up.


(Busey stares forlornly at his ringing cellphone, yards away..)

Busey:  (petting a coyote)  Good reception out here, eh boy?

Coyote:  (licks Gary’s face)


(Gen. Peters stares into the strategy tent at Jessica still taking notes, as PM Clarke explains the situation..)

Peters:  I understand, Mr. Prime Minister. Will do. You take care now.  (re-enters the tent)  Ms. Sanchez, I’ve got one more tent to show you to complete the tour.

Sanchez:  (smiling)  Oh yeah? What’s that?

Peters:  The prison tent.


Lopez:  Paco, that is a devious plan.

Paco:  Thank you, El Generale.

Lopez:  I’m going to go directly to El Presidente with this. You’ll be in line for a promotion.

Paco:  I would like that, sir. Thank you.

Lopez:  Now put your shirt back on, soldier.

Paco:  (pouts)  But ees hot!


(Holden Jackson is thumbing through a Canadian-to-English dictionary..)

Jackson:  Hey Wilby, check this out. They spell it “doughnuts”.


(A number of coyotes band together and somehow manage to release Gary from the bear trap. He gets up, rubs his sore ankle and pets the lead coyote..)

Busey:  I knew you guys were alright. Wonder why they have a bear trap all the way out here, anyway.

Bear:  (growls)

Busey:  (urinates)

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