Totally Radical Sportz!

The President – Episode 306

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 04/11/2011

Through a series of unfortunate tragedies, 27-year-old Deputy Secretary of Transportation Holden Jackson became the youngest President in the history of the United States. Now he’s at war with Canada..

Episode 306 – Mea Culpa

Jackson: Ohhh, my noggin.

Chamberlain: (smiling)  Hungover, are we?

Jackson: Shut up, Wilby. God, what did those Mexicans do to me?

(Holden Jackson is slumped over the Resolute Desk the morning after attending Mexican Secretary of Social Development Humberto Felix Guerrero’s birthday party at the palatial Tijuana estate of President Jose Rodriguez..)

Jackson: Can we close the government for a day? I’m too nauseous for Presidentializing.

Chamberlain: ‘Fraid not, sir. We’ve got a bugger of a war on our hands. Luckily, the Mexican Army is marching north from Texas as we speak.

Jackson: (raises his head, bleary-eyed)  Marching? Like, on their feet?

Chamberlain: (leaning in, whispering)  Sir, it’s the Mexican Army.

Jackson: Unacceptable. Get them vehicles at once. Besides, it would take almost an entire day to march from New York to Texas; and we don’t have a day, dammit!

Chamberlain: It would actually take much longer than a day, Mr. President. And we don’t have any extra military vehicles to spare. They’re all in New York currently, locking the city down.

Jackson: Then hows about civilian vehicles. Say, isn’t there a Mayflower moving truck fleet down in Texas?

Chamberlain: (quickly Googles on his iPhone)  Why yes, actually; outside of El Paso. How the devil did you know that?

Jackson: Really into trucks. Load the Mexicans in the back of those puppies and ship ’em up to New York. Those lousy Canadians won’t know what hit ’em.  (glances down)  Why do I have this ring on my finger?


Sanchez: And why are you here?

Busey: Because my country needs me. I won’t let those dastardly Canadians take my town. Not without a fight, at least.

Sanchez: And why am I here?

Busey: To report on my valiant bravery. Inspire the people. You’re a reporter, right?

Sanchez: Yeah.

Busey: Seriously. You’re a reporter, right? I mean, we drove all the way out here.

Sanchez: Yes, Gary.

(Gary and Jessica are peeking out from some bushes in the Meadowlands. Just over the rise, the Canadian Army is camped out ready to engage New York City..)

Busey: (pulls out a Baretta and aims it at a nearby patrolling Canadian soldier)  Check this out.

Sanchez: (grabbing Gary’s arm)  What are you, nuts? Put that away!

Busey: (chuckles)  That’s what she said. Relax, I’m just gonna wing him.

Sanchez: No, Gary. You could get us killed! You said this was strictly a reconnaissance mission! Oh God, why do I listen to you?

Busey: Betcha I can knock his hat off.

(Gary aims again and Jessica knocks his arm out of the way as he fires..)

Baretta: BANG!

Canuck Soldier #1: What was that?

Canuck Soldier #2: Oh I dunno, eh?


Jackson: I WHAT?!!

Chamberlain: (snickers)

Jackson: No, no. You’re lyin’.

Chamberlain: I’m afraid not, sir. You’ve wed. Sec. Busey was the witness. The chapel gave you this videotape.

(Wilbur pops a VHS tape into Holden’s mini desk TV set..)

Jackson: (on tape)  I do, Elvis!

Jackson: (immediately shuts off the tape)  That’s not even Elvis! Sham marriage!

Chamberlain: (stifles a chuckle)

Jackson: (gets up and starts pacing wildly)  What can I do? Can I get it annulled? What did Henry VIII do?

Chamberlain: I believe he had his wife beheaded. I would advise against that.

Jackson: We gotta do something, Wilbur! I can’t have it getting out that I got hitched. What if Jessica finds out?

Chamberlain: I believe she and everyone else at the party in Tijuana witnessed enough premarital dance floor relations to see where it was heading. And I believe the story has been leaked already.

Jackson: By who?

Chamberlain: Whom. Try MSNBC.

Jackson: (turns the channel)

Richards: This is First Lady Kristen Richards signing off.

Jackson: (groans)  And she kept her last name? Kristen Jackson sounds way better. It rolls off the tongue, Wilby. It rolls off the tongue!


Busey: (rolling on the ground, hollering)  Oh God, my foot! I shot myself in the foot!

Sanchez: (giggles)  Literally.

Busey: Get one of those Canadian Army doctors over here!

Sanchez: Are you insane? They’ll take you hostage as a prisoner of war.

Busey: But my foot hurts!

Sanchez: Big baby. C’mere, I’ll carry you back to the car.

Canuck Soldier #1: (coming through the brush)  Oh, I thought I heard something, eh?

Sanchez: Uh oh.

Busey: (whispering)  Play it cool.

Canuck Soldier #1: Got yourself a bit of a leg wound, eh buddy?

Busey: Yeah, we’re Canadian.

Canuck Soldier #1: (glances from Gary to Jessica and back to Gary again)  Well what the heck are you doin’ out here, then? Let’s get you some medical attention, eh?

Busey: Uh, eh.

Sanchez: (nodding nervously)  Eh.

Canuck Soldier #1: Here, lemme give you a hand there.

Busey: (putting his arm around the soldier’s shoulder, smiling woozily from blood loss)  You Canadians are so nice.

Sanchez: (elbows Gary hard in the side)

Busey: I mean ‘us’ Canadians. Us Canadians are so nice.

Canuck Soldier #1: (grinning)  We sure are, eh?


(At the MSNBC offices in downtown D.C…)

Jackson: (swaggering through Kristen’s new office with Wilbur in tow)  So you got yourself a nice cushy gig off my name, eh Kristen?

Richards: I didn’t even take your name, Holden.

Jackson: (throwing his arms out)  I know! What’s up with that?

Richards: Look. If you want to get a divorce, I understand. We can get it taken care of in an afternoon.

Jackson: (incredulous)  This isn’t just something you can “take care of in an afternoon”. This isn’t a friggin’…dog abortion.

Richards: What?

Chamberlain: We got a dog.

Jackson: Shut up, Wilby. Look, Richards: If we’re gonna do this, we’re gonna do it right. We’re gonna do it big; real big. We’ll make that royal wedding look like a Lion’s Club pancake breakfast.

Richards: Wait, so you do want to marry me?

Jackson: (hesitating)  I dunno! I’ve got a lot of emotions right now!

Chamberlain: (taken aback)  Fancy that; Holden’s got emotions.

Jackson: Shut up, Wilby!

Richards: Let’s do it.

Jackson: What? I mean, okay. But Wilby’s gotta wait outside. Unless you–

Richards: I mean let’s get married. For real this time.

Jackson: (beaming)  Really? Okay…okay! Yeah, let’s do it. Let’s get hitched.

Chamberlain: Mr. President, may I have a word?

Jackson: (rushing out the door)  Not now, Wilby! I’ve got a wedding to plan!


(Sec. of Defense Gary Busey is being tended to in a Canadian Army triage tent by Dr. Allen Allan..)

Allan: Looks like you got shot in the foot there, soldier.

Busey: I’m not a soldier, I…  (glances over at Jessica)  …we’re journalists…for…Canadian Hunting & Fishing Magazine.

Allan: Oh I love that periodical, eh?

Busey: Eh.

Sanchez: Eh.

Allan: Not a big deal, I’ll just get my tweezers. You’ll have to be on some pain meds for a couple of days.

Busey: (eyes light up)  Oh, I can manage.

(Dr. Allan removes the bullet and stitches up the wound..)

Allan: There ya go, son. Good as new.

Busey: Thanks, Doc. How much do I owe ya?

Allan: (laughs)  Very good, my boy. Just because we’re in America doesn’t mean we have to adhere to their system. Same rules apply, just as they do in the provinces.

(Jessica quickly describes the Canadian health care system in Gary’s ear..)

Busey: Free?

Allan: (frowns)

Busey: Oop, I mean free…Quebec.

Allan: Now there’ll be none of that talk in my triage tent, son. This is a time for unification, not secession.

Busey: Sorry, Doc.

Allan: You’re good to go, my boy. The Lieutenant here will give you a ride back to your car.

Busey: Let’s get outta here, Sanchez.

Sanchez: (taking Gary aside)  Actually Gary, I’m gonna stay behind.

Busey: You what! Are you crazy? This place is crawlin’ with Canucks!

Sanchez: This is the story I’ve been waiting for. Behind enemy lines. How the other half lives. Go back to Washington; tell everyone I’m fine. Make fun of Holden for me for getting married. I have to go where the story is.

Busey: But you could be killed! These people are savages!

Sanchez: No, they’re not. And they wouldn’t harm a journalist.

Busey: I’m a journalist and I got shot in the foot!

Sanchez: Actually you’re not and you shot yourself in the foot.

Busey: But it hurts!

Sanchez: Scoot, Gary. And don’t take those pills while you’re driving.

Busey: (mopes out of the tent)  Fine.  (pops pills)

Sanchez: (turning back to Dr. Allan)  Doctor, take me to your leader.


Jackson: Cake! We’re gonna need a cake! You know a good cake guy, Wilby?

(Holden is hurriedly writing a list on the back porch of the White House..)

Chamberlain: I do not have a cake guy, Mr. President.

Jackson: I know Gary’s got a pie guy. Wonder if he does cakes..

Chamberlain: Mr. President, forgive me; but do you think it’s wise to get married so hastily? Especially during the greatest war this country has seen since the American Civil War.

Jackson: Are you kidding me, Wilby? This is the perfect time to get hitched!

Chamberlain: Explain to me why.

Jackson: (glances around, motions Wilbur closer, whispers)  She’s Canadian.

Chamberlain: She’s what.

Jackson: Canadian. She’s a Canadian citizen. She’s kept it on the down low, ’cause she’s always wanted to get a position on an American news channel. Don’t you see, Wilby?

Chamberlain: I’m afraid I do not, sir.

Jackson: This is our way out! This is the peace treaty! I buy a nice ring, pop it on her finger all proper-like and boom! War over!

Chamberlain: You really think wedding a Canadian will un-do all of this?

Jackson: Are you kidding me? This is how they used to do it all the time back in the Middle Ages. Two kingdoms were beefing, one sends the other a princess to wed and they squash the beef. Something about cross-pollination, I dunno; but it will work.

Chamberlain: So you’re doing all this for your country? For America?

Jackson: Yup.

Chamberlain: And you really do love Kristen?

Jackson: Oh God, no. I hate that chick; she’s the worst.

One Response

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  1. Loree said, on 05/10/2017 at 8:53 pm

    Always the best content from these prdiigoous writers.

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