The President – Episode 305
Through a series of unfortunate tragedies, 27-year-old Deputy Secretary of Transportation Holden Jackson became the youngest President in the history of the United States. Now he’s at war with Canada..
Episode 305 – Vegas
Jackson: And then he said, “You call that a space station? I’ll show you a space station!” Bahahahahahahaaaa!
(President Holden Jackson is attending the birthday party of Mexican Secretary of Social Development — Humberto Felix Guerrero — and entertaining President Jose Rodriguez’s henchmen..)
Henchmen #1: Joo are a funny man, Mr. Jackson.
Jackson: Please Enrique, call me Holden.
Enrique: Mr. Holden.
Busey: (bounds into the group, arm around the President) Hey, we got anymore of this delicious tequila?
Henchmen #2: This is Mexico, no?
Busey: I don’t remember!
(The group again erupts with laughter..)
Jackson: (raises a bottle to the sky) Let’s get fucked up!
(The henchmen chant “Mr. Holden!” as the President downs a bottle of Cuervo..)
Richards: (saunters over) Mind if I drink with you ladies?
(Upstairs President Rodriguez is on the phone with Prime Minister Clarke who is back at Langevin Block, still recovering from his botched fake assassination..)
Rodriguez: Yes, he is downstairs now; at a party for one of my cabinet members.
Clarke: Well, is he gonna be there for a while?
(President Rodriguez glances out the study window to see Holden doing a body shot off Kristen’s navel..)
Rodriguez: He is making himself at home.
Clarke: Well I dunno, Jose. I’m gonna have to think this over. Gimme a couple hours.
Rodriguez: You have until 10PM, Tijuana Time.
Clarke: Okay, what would that be in Canada Time?
Rodriguez: I do not know, my friend. We do not use the metric system here in Mexico.
(Wilbur Chamberlain and Jessica Sanchez are sitting off to the side watching Holden and Kristen drunkenly make out on the dance floor..)
Sanchez: I don’t remember the President ever having a girlfriend.
Chamberlain: Oh, he knew Kristen long before he became President. They met when he was still the Deputy Secretary of Housing and Urban Development. She was writing an article on Sec. Garney for the student paper at Georgetown.
Sanchez: And it was love at first sight? (glances over at Holden dry-humping Kristen’s leg) Lust at first sight?
Chamberlain: Oh no, they hated each other. She thought he was an idiot.
Chamberlain: And he thought she was something I dare not repeat.
Sanchez: Also accurate.
Chamberlain: But one night after Kristen finished the article, they gave into temptation over a bottle of liquor. I forget what it was; but he’s always told me to keep it away from him ever since.
Sanchez: I’m just gonna take a stab in the dark and guess it was tequila.
(Wilbur watches Holden pounding another bottle of Cuervo, while giving Kristen a piggy back ride..)
Chamberlain: Oh, bother.
Jackson: (smashes the bottle into the side of the Presidential palace) I love this girl!
(PM Clark Clarke is pacing up and down his office in Langevin Block with the aid of a cane, as his secretary Margaret looks on..)
Clarke: I just don’t know what to do, Margaret. Kidnap the President of the United States? Isn’t that against the Geneva Conventions or something?
Margarets: When it comes to war there are no rules, sir.
Clarke: No, there are. They’re called the Geneva Conventions.
Margarets: The question is whether you want to share America with Mexico.
Clarke: Yeah, that’s a dilly. It was always nice having that buffer zone between us and them.
Margarets: You mean America?
Clarke: Yup, good ‘ol America. Jeez, now I’m beginning to second-guess this whole thing. We’re not a warring people. We’re Canadians. We’re nice. We’re the good guys.
Margarets: I believe it’s far too late for that type of thinking, sir. Our troops are on their way to capture New York.
Clarke: Didn’t this President already get kidnapped once?
Margarets: Yes, he’s not very good.
(A wasted Holden is leaning on Kristen as they stare out at the Pacific Ocean..)
Jackson: We should go Vegas, get married. (hiccup) Oh crap, I got the (hiccup)
Richards: We should totally go. We should tooootally go. Do you have a ring?
Jackson: (shrugs, sways, hiccups) S’Mexico. We can prolly get one for (hiccup) wicked cheap.
Richards: (clutching Holden’s arm) Holdy, that is so romantic.
Jackson: (hiccup) Is it?
Richards: Yes. Let’s get out of this godforsaken land and go to Vegas.
Jackson: (hiccup) Okay. Hey, hold my breath real quick so I can get rid of the (hiccup)
(Gen. Peters’ humvee is camped in Northern New Jersey along with the rest of the Canadian Army, as he speaks on the phone with PM Clarke..)
Peters: Kidnap the President? Absolutely not. What are those darn Mexicans thinking, eh?
Clarke: See? That’s what I was saying, Peter. I’m glad we’re on the same page. I wasn’t up for any kidnappings.
Peters: Now, the only thing I’m concerned about is why was the President down in Mexico in the first place?
Clarke: Think he was down there for a quinceañera or something.
Peters: Or maybe he was attempting to solicit the Mexicans’ assistance in the war.
Clarke: Oh I don’t like the sound of that there, Peter.
Peters: I think it’s high time we speak with the British.
Clarke: You think so, Peter?
Peters: Yeah I think so, Clark.
Clarke: Oh, alright then. I’ll get London on the horn.
Peters: Okay, Clark. I’ll talk to ya later. You take care now.
Jackson: You sure you can fly this thing, Gary?
Busey: We’re in the air, ain’t we?
Jackson: I mean, we’ve all had quite a bit to drink.
Busey: (waves a hand back at Holden and Kristen in the back seat) I could fly this puppy blindfolded. An old ‘Nam vet taught me on the set of Eye of the Tiger. This is an old Bell UH-1 Iroquois. Rodriguez has got good taste. So, where are we takin’ this bird anyway?
Richards: (throws up a fist) Vegas! Whooooo!
Busey: Las Vegas?
Jackson: No, Gary. Port Vegas, Connecticut.
Busey: Better hang a U-ie.
Jackson: Can you do that in a helicopter?
Busey: Guess we’re gonna find out. Hang on!
(Holden grabs Kristen as she starts to slide out the side of the chopper, laughing; and the three make their way toward Nevada..)
(President Rodriguez slams down the phone receiver and makes his way downstairs, back to the party..)
Guerrero: Mr. President, thank you so much for my birthday party. The ice sculptures are beautiful.
Rodriguez: (shoves the Sec. of Social Development) Not now, Humberto. Enrique! Felipe!
(The two henchmen hustle over..)
Enrique: Yes, El Jefe?
Rodriguez: Contact the Secretary of War. Canada didn’t listen to my demands. The Americano will get his troops; and we’ll push those bastard Canadians back into the…Canadian Ocean. Or whatever the heck ocean they have behind Canada.
Felipe: I think it is the Arctic, El Jefe.
British PM Cummerbund Finnimore: Allo allo?
Clarke: PM Finnimore, this is PM Clarke.
Finnimore: Yes yes. What’s all this about, then?
Clarke: I was curious if you’ve been following the war.
Finnimore: Aw, yeah. I’ve been seeing all that on the telly. You beat them bloody Colonists, yet?
Clarke: Not quite yet, Prime Minister. That’s actually what I called you to speak about. You see, we’ve hit a bit of a stalwart. I was curious as to whether you’d be willing to lend us some men for the final push into New York.
Finnimore: Oh that’s a bit of a sticky wicket, inn’t?
Clarke: Yes, it is. So can we count on your help?
Finnimore: I dunno, gov. The American President’s right-hand man is a Brit.
Clarke: Yes, but we Canadians have been loyal to the Queen for centuries.
Finnimore: Yeah and we appreciate all that. We really do. It’s just that us and America have gotten along like gangbusters recently and we wouldn’t want to bungle all that up by helping you lot.
Clarke: But…we’re Canada!
Finnimore: Good luck with all that. We’ll be rooting for ya. Quietly behind closed doors, of course. For appearances. Cheerio!
Clarke: (frozen, listening to the dial tone) Bloody hell.
Rodriguez: You have our full support, Mr. Chamberlain. Be sure to tell your President when you find him.
Chamberlain: I’m sure he must be around here somewhere.
Sanchez: Check the bedrooms.
Rodriguez: (turns to his palace, rubbing the back of his neck) I dunno, I have a lot of bedrooms. (turns back to Jessica, grinning) You want to check with me, mami?
Chamberlain: (glancing down at his phone) Oh, dear.
(Wilbur holds up the text message to Jessica..)
Text: “You hvae ben corally inverted to our wddng, BITCHES!”
Jackson: I do, Elvis!
Vegas Priest: Stop calling me that, I’m just a regular priest.
Jackson: I do, Elvis!
Busey: (hollering from the back pew) Sing Achy Breaky Heart!
Priest: That’s not even an Elvis song.
Busey: (firing a Mexican Army pistol at the ceiling) Sing it!
Priest: (frowning) Stop firing that gun.
Jackson: I do, Elvis!
Priest: Mr. President, I haven’t even begun the vows yet.
Richards: Woooooo, Vegas!