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The President – Episode 304

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 04/04/2011

Through a series of unfortunate tragedies, 27-year-old Deputy Secretary of Transportation Holden Jackson became the youngest President in the history of the United States. Now he’s at war with Canada..

Episode 304 – The Old Flame

(President Holden Jackson and Secretary of Defense Gary Busey are purchasing bismarcks at their favorite bakery — Claire’ Eclairs — when the President notices a sign in the store window..)

Jackson: Closing down? What! But where will we get our donuts!

Claire: Sorry, Mr. President. I just can’t afford the overhead anymore. Times are tough. And with this war–

Jackson: Gary, cancel the war.

Busey: Over a donut?

Jackson: Yes Gary, over a donut! The most delicious donut ever baked by a baker in a bakery.

Claire: Thank you, Mr. President.

Busey: We can’t cancel the war, boss. We’re actually kinda losing right now. We’d need some serious help.

Jackson: (crams the bismarck down his gullet, orders a dozen more)  Then we’ll get some serious help. And I know just where to get it.

Busey: (mouthful of donuts)  Mmph, where?

(Holden motions Gary closer and he leans in..)

Jackson: (shouting)  TIJUANA, ESÉ!

~~~

(Canadian Prime Minister Clark Clarke is recovering in Toronto General Hospital, after he applied a squib backwards during a fake assassination and it burst into his chest..)

Margarets: Anything else, Mr. Prime Minister?

Clarke: Just rest, Margaret. The doctor says I need lots and lots of rest.

Margarets: (jots down ‘rest’)

Clarke: …and temps. Can you send in a couple hospital temps to help me rest?

Margarets: They’re called ‘candystripers’, sir.

Clarke: (stroking his chin)  Candystrippers, eh? That sounds sexy and delicious.

~~~

(President Jackson, Sec. Busey, Wilbur Chamberlain and Jessica Sanchez are in a plane heading down to Tijuana, Mexico; where Holden plans to meet with Mexican President Jose Rodriguez..)

Chamberlain: I must say, Mr. President; I don’t like this one bit.

Jackson: What’s the big deal, Wilby? We ask the Mexicans for a couple of extra bodies; bing bang boom, this thing’s over in a matter of weeks.

Chamberlain: Yes, but Mexico? I still think England could help us greatly.

Jackson: Oh, you think England can save everything!

Busey: (scowling)  Yeah, Wilbur!

Chamberlain: If the American people find out that you’re asking Mexico for help–

Jackson: Relax, Wilbur. President Gonzalez–

Chamberlain: Rodriguez.

Jackson: –agreed to meet us in a neutral location. The American public will be none the wiser, per usual.

Sanchez: And why am I here, again?

Jackson: You’re the interpreter.

Sanchez: Right, because I’m Hispanic.

Busey: Whoa, wait. I thought I was the interpreter!

Sanchez: Holden, I’m pretty sure the President of Mexico speaks English.

Jackson: (chortles)  Yeah okay, Jessica. Like somebody can speak two languages.

Sanchez: Whatever. Hey, did you guys hear that Claire’s Eclairs is shutting down?

Jackson: (bawls)

~~~

(Canadian General Peter Peters is on top of his humvee, surveying the destruction that was once the City of Chicago. Lt. Greg Gregg peeks out from inside the vehicle..)

Gregg: Well that’s that, eh?

Peters: Yup, I s’pose.

Gregg: Where to next, General?

Peters: Oh, well I was thinking of heading over to Cleveland; but that place looks pretty shot-out already. So I thought maybe we should set our sights on something bigger.

Gregg: Baltimore, General?

Peters: Bigger.

Gregg: Philly, eh? Cheesesteaks!

Peters: Bigger, Lieutenant.

Gregg: Ya got me, General. What’s bigger than the City of Brotherly Love?

Peters: New York City.

Gregg: Oh I forgot all aboot that one, eh.

~~~

(President Jackson steps off Air Force One onto the tarmac at General Abelardo L. Rodriguez International Airport and is immediately pickpocketed by a small Mexican boy who sprints off into the desert..)

Jackson: Ha! Joke’s on him. My credit is shit!

~~~

(A nurse walks in on Prime Minister Clarke and two candystripers in an awkward position..)

Clarke: (removes pacifier from mouth)  Uh, rehabilitating.

~~~

(President Jackson and the gang are sitting in a Tijuana Taco Bell, waiting for President Rodriguez..)

Chamberlain: Neutral location, hm?

Jackson: (grinning)  Oh Wilby, you’ve really gotta sample this menu. Best Mexican food in town.

(Gary Busey sets down a tray of a dozen burritos and Holden reaches for one..)

Busey: (glancing up)  Oh you wanted something too, boss?

(President Jose Rodriguez enters the Taco Bell, scowling, with his armed henchmen security detail in tow..)

Rodriguez: (holding out his hands)  Is this your idea of a hilarious joke, Mr. President?

Jackson: No no, El Presidente. I love this place. If you want we can head over to the El Pollo Loco across the street.

Rodriguez: No no, this is fine. Now, what was it that you had to speak with me so urgently about?

Jackson: Well you see, El Presidente; there’s this delicious donut bakery back home.

Rodriguez: You came all this way to speak to me of the donuts?

Chamberlain: (whispering)  Holden, the other thing.

Jackson: Right. So I don’t know if you’ve heard, but we’re sort of in a war with Canada right now. We’re calling it the War with Canada.

Rodriguez: Yes, I have seen these things on the Telemundo.

Jackson: Oh my God, did you see last week’s Amores Para Muchos? Can you believe Maria slept with Rodrigo behind Alejandro’s back?

Busey: (shaking his head, mouthful of burrito)  Maria is such a bitch.

Rodriguez: (slamming the table)  It is not her fault. It was a passion of the heart!

Chamberlain: Gentlemen, can we get back on track?

Jackson: (glaring at his Sec. of Defense)  Yeah, Gary. Anyway El Presidente, we was wondering if you sorta kinda wanted to…I dunno..

Rodriguez: Out with it, Americano.

Jackson: You wanna help us fight Canada?

Rodriguez: (chuckles, turns to his henchmen, cackles)  Mexico? Help America? Do you hear this, my friends?

Henchman #1: Si, El Jefe.

Henchman #2: Es muy humoroso, El Jefe.

Rodriguez: (gets up to leave)  No, we will not be helping you. Enjoy your American burritos.

Busey: (scowling, mouth still full)  How can they be American if we’re in Mexico, numbnuts?

Jackson: No, wait. El Presidente, please. We desperately need your help. We’re getting our butts kicked by a bunch of people who don’t even get ESPN.

Rodriguez: Es not as good a channel as it used to be.

Jackson: I agree. See how much we have in common? There’s probably a number of basic cable channels we both think have fallen off in production value. Discovery Channel? What’s up with that shit? And why did they have to change it to SyFy? Who calls it that?

Rodriguez: I must go. We are throwing a party for the Secretary of Social Development.

Jackson: Mexican party, eh? I like parties.

(President Rodriguez sighs, turns to his henchmen and back to President Jackson reluctantly..)

Rodriguez: Would you like to come to my party, Mr. President?

Jackson: (beaming)  I’d be honored. Can I bring my friends?

Rodriguez: Of course.

Busey: (throws his shirt into the air)  Hooray!

Rodriguez: He must do that no more.

~~~

(Gen. Peters’ humvee is leading the Canadian Army down the interstate towards New York..)

Gregg: Long drive, eh?

Peters: Oh yeah, gonna take a bit.

Gregg: We should really think about investing in a Canadian Air Force.

Peters: Oh sure. But who’s got the time, eh?

~~~

(Holden and Wilbur are coming out of a Tijuana souvenir shop, where Holden has just purchased a brand-new wallet. As soon as the President steps foot on the street a small Mexican boy immediately snatches the wallet and sprints off into the desert..)

Jackson: Aw, man. I didn’t even get to put anything in it yet!

Busey: Where the heck are all those little Mexicans coming from?

Sanchez: Mexico?

Chamberlain: More importantly, where are they going to?

Jackson: (shaking his head)  There’s just gotta be a pile of wallets out in that desert.

Richards: Holden Jackson.

Jackson: (spins, freezes)  Eep.

(A stunning blonde, freckled young woman is smiling at the President with a small notebook in hand..)

Sanchez: (whispering)  Who’s that? She’s pretty.

Jackson: No matter what she tells you, she is not my ex-girlfriend.

Sanchez: Hi, I’m Jessica Sanchez.

Richards: (shaking Jessica’s hand)  Kristen Richards. I’m the President’s ex-girlfriend.

Sanchez: Huh.

Jackson: So what are you doing down here, Kristen? Is Mexico running low on whores?

Richards: Charming as ever, Holden. No, the Times is having me do a piece on President Rodriguez.

Jackson: (smirking)  Newspapers, huh? That’s cute. Jessica here actually does real journalism on the television.

Richards: I know, I recognize her. Are you two?..

Jackson: Ye–

Sanchez: Nope. Nope. Definitely nope. I’m just the interpreter on this…diplomatic trip.

Richards: Oh, that’s a shame. Holden’s actually a real sweetheart once you get past all the assholeness.

Jackson: (blushing)  Aw shucks, Kristen.

Richards: Anyway, gotta run. Jose’s throwing a party at his palatial estate for the Secretary of something or other.

Jackson: Social Development. Get your facts straight, Richards. And we were just invited, so I guess I’ll see you there.

Richards: (smiles, turns to leave)  I’ll save a dance for you, Holden.

(Kristen sashays away and Holden stares on in silence..)

Busey: Ooooooooooooooooooh!

~~~

(President Rodriguez is being driven back to his seafront estate..)

Henchman #1: El Jefe, why did you invite the Americanos? You really want to go to war?

Rodriguez: Of course not, amigo. When the stupid Americans enter the palace, I will contact the Canadians and tell them we’re holding their enemy hostage. Then Canada and Mexico will split the United States fifty-fifty.  (cackles maniacally)

Henchman #2: (grins)  You’re so evil, El Jefe.

Rodriguez: (checks his watch)  Hurry up, driver. Amores Para Muchos is on in fifteen minutes.

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