The President – Episode 301
Through a series of unfortunate tragedies, 27-year-old Deputy Secretary of Transportation Holden Jackson became the youngest President in the history of the United States. Now he’s at war with Canada..
Episode 301 – Escape to Danger
(President Holden Jackson and Secretary of Defense Gary Busey are taking a stroll on the White House grounds. When they turn the corner, Holden throws up his hands in disgust..)
Jackson: Oh, will ya look at this?
Busey: (squinting at the graffitied wall) What is that, Gary Coleman?
Jackson: No, what? No, it’s clearly me being sodomized by a giant Canadian maple leaf.
Busey: Oh, right. So, is that like an analogy?
Jackson: (chortles) “Anal”-ogy.
Busey: (guffaws) Because butts.
(Later that morning, President Jackson is eating Fruity Pebbles and watching a small television on the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office while being briefed on the War with Canada by General Terrence “Rusty” Reynolds, accompanied by Sec. Busey, VP Clarence Dimwiddy and Chief of Staff Wilbur Chamberlain..)
Dimwiddy: Mr. President, if you could just shut the television off for a moment.
Jackson: (shaking his head) Shut up, Dimwit.
Busey: (eyes light up) Dimwit, I like it. ‘Cause his name’s Dimwiddy, so it kinda sounds like his name.
Jackson: Right? I can’t believe we didn’t see it.
Reynolds: Mr. President, have you been listening? Detroit is gone. The Dakotas are gone. Montana’s a ghost town. We believe Chicago is next.
Jackson: (wiping the milk off his chin) What’s all this now?
Chamberlain: The war, sir? With Canada?
Jackson: (drops his spoon) Holy shit, there’s a war?
Reynolds: Mr. President, do you recall a couple months ago the White House was hit with a Canadian cruise missile? That was an act of war. We are now at war with our neighbor to the North. I can’t believe I have to explain this all over again every time I come in here.
Jackson: Well, are we winning?
Reynolds: No, sir. As I mentioned, most of the northern states have been overrun by the Canadian Army and a number of our men have been taken prisoner.
Jackson: (chortles, snarfs milk) Hahahaha! Oh, monkey!
Chamberlain: I’m sorry, General. He’s watching The Monkey Show. It’s his favorite Saturday morning program.
Busey: (scuffling off the couch and behind Holden’s desk) Aww, man! The Monkey Show‘s on? Why didn’t you tell me?
Jackson: Sorry, buddy. You missed so many zingers.
Busey: Aw, I love zingers!
Reynolds: Mr. President, I’m worried you don’t appreciate the severity of the situation.
Jackson: (offended) Oh, I appreciate the severity. I appreciate nothing but severity. People are always telling me how they admire how much I appreciate the severity of things.
Reynolds: You have no idea what I’m talking about.
Jackson: Yeah I do, Rusty. You’re talking about the graffiti painting of me being sodomized by that giant Canadian maple leaf.
Dimwiddy: Was it sodomy? I thought you were fellating the leaf.
Jackson: How am I gonna fellate a leaf, Dimwit? No, it was definitely sodomy. You think I can’t tell my ass from my face?
Dimwiddy: (doesn’t respond)
Jackson: We gotta get to the bottom of who painted that graffiti.
Busey: (flipping channels) Probably hooligans.
Jackson: Yeah. Canadian hooligans.
Peters: A boot.
Gregg: That’s all you caught, eh?
(General Pete Peters and Lieutenant Greg Gregg are discussing the General’s fishing trip in a Humvee just north of Illinois as the Canadian Army plans its next moves..)
Peters: Yeah, mackerel weren’t bitin’. Where are we on the invasion, Lt. Gregg?
Gregg: Detroit is now completely under Canadian control, but they were real nice about it. We’ll keep the remaining car factories open. We can use the material. Chicago’s next, eh?
Peters: Yeah, I s’pose we should take Chicago. That’ll open up the rest of the midwest. And from there we’ll be opening up on two fronts.
Gregg: Why don’t they just surrender, General Peters?
Peters: The Americans are a stubborn folk, Greg. They’re not gonna give up without a fight. That General Reynolds is a heckuva guy, don’tcha know.
Jackson: Aw, man. Zipper’s stuck. Little help, Wilby?
Chamberlain: No, sir.
(The President and his Chief of Staff exit the west wing men’s room and proceed down the hall, discussing the important matter of the day..)
Jackson: Now, my theory is the culprit is a teenager. Possibly of Canadian origin.
Chamberlain: Are we still speaking of the graffiti, Mr. President? Don’t you think we should be focusing on the defense of Chicago?
Jackson: Well, Joakim Noah’s good. But Rose isn’t gonna be able to stop Rondo’s penetration.
Chamberlain: The city, sir. The city that the Canadian Army is advancing on as we speak. The war?
Jackson: That’s still going on?
Chamberlain: Sir, I believe you are taking this all far too lightly. This is the first war being fought on American soil since the American Civil War.
Jackson: Why does everybody always call it the “American Civil War”? Were there other Civil Wars?
Chamberlain: There have been quite literally thousands.
Jackson: Yeah? Well, ours had muskets.
Chamberlain: I don’t think it did, actually. Regardless, the war is what’s most important at this time. Not some silly painting.
Jackson: They defaced my home, Wilbur! The home where I live!
Chamberlain: At least you still have a home. Think of all the people in Detroit who lost their homes today.
Jackson: I’m trying not to! It’s very depressing.
Chamberlain: It’s your job, Mr. President. This is your opportunity to show everyone what you are capable of. This is your opportunity to lead.
Jackson: (puffing out his chest) You’re right, Wilby. I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna lead this once great nation to a new utopia; free from the tyranny of the Canadian hordes.
Chamberlain: You’re just gonna keep dwelling on the graffiti, aren’t you?
Gregg: Oh sure, you just take a right at that old barn up the road. The safe zone is about a mile past that… You betcha. Take care now.
(Lt. Gregg makes his way back to Gen. Peters’ humvee, after assisting some fleeing Illinoisans..)
Gregg: Nice people. Real shame we’ve got to conquer their land.
Peters: Oh, they’ll like being Canadians just fine. Americans are remarkably resilient. They love rooting for a frontrunner; and right now, we’re running in front.
Gregg: We’re not doing a lot of running at the moment, though. We’ve been sitting here on the Illinois border for hours. When is Prime Minister Clarke going to call for us to advance, sir?
Peters: When he’s good and ready, Lieutenant.
Clarke: I’m not ready!
Margarets: Terribly sorry, Mr. Prime Minister. I should have knocked. It’s just that Gen. Peters is on the line. The army is in position, prepared to move on Chicago.
Clarke: Mmm, deep dish.
(Canadian Prime Minister Clark Clarke finishes pulling on his pants and fastens his belt as his secretary, Margaret Margarets, takes a seat in the office of the Prime Minister in Langevin Block..)
Clarke: Margaret, after this war is over I’m gonna name a new province after you.
Margarets: Oh, Mr. Prime Minister.
Clarke: Tell the General we’re going to halt on the Chicago invasion for now. I wanna wait and see what President Jackson is planning in terms of a countermeasure. I’m sure he’s got something clever up his sleeve.
(President Jackson is savagely beating a fifteen-year-old in a back alley off of F Street, while Sec. of Defense Gary Busey keeps watch..)
Busey: Yeah, beat him good.
Jackson: (repeatedly punching) Why did you graffiti-paint that obscene picture of me?
Teen: What picture? I don’t know what you’re talking about! Please stop punching me, Mr. President!
Jackson: Just admit you graffitied a mural of me being sodomized by a giant anthropomorphic Canadian maple leaf on the side of the White House! (punches)
Teen: Ow! Ha, seriously? That sounds hilarious.
Jackson: (punches) Yeah, it was pretty funny. But also highly treasonous!
Busey: Want me to kick him for a while, boss?
Jackson: No. Keep lookin’ out, Gary.
Busey: I see a dog.
Jackson: Good job.
Teen: So how exactly could I graffiti something on the side of the White House? Wouldn’t I have been shot the second I jumped the fence?
Jackson: (ponders) That’s a good point.
Teen: Sounds like it was an inside job.
Jackson: (eyes narrow) Indeed. (punches)
(Wilbur Chamberlain rushes into the alley as Busey tries to block him, throwing his hands in Wilbur’s face..)
Busey: Hoo! Ha!
Chamberlain: Out of my way, Gary. Holden, why are you savaging this poor boy?
Jackson: Just tryin’ to get some information out of this young patriot, Wilby. He thinks the portrait was an inside job.
Chamberlain: Yes that’s wonderful, sir. I just thought you’d like to know that the Canadian Army is holding tight on the Illinois border and not advancing on Chicago as we had previously expected.
Jackson: Ha, I knew they’d puss out.
Chamberlain: Mr. President, I believe this war isn’t going to be quite as quick as you expected. Canada seems to be in for the long haul.
Teen: Can I go?
Busey: (getting off the phone) Yeah, thanks Frank. That was Frank, boss. We’ve got another one.
Chamberlain: Another what?
Jackson: (eyes narrow even narrower) Another graffiti painting. This just got personal.