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The President – Episode 208

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 03/21/2011

Through a series of unfortunate tragedies, 27-year-old Deputy Secretary of Transportation Holden Jackson became the youngest President in the history of the United States. Now he’s unemployed..

Episode 208 – The Vindication of Relentless

(President Holden Jackson is sitting in the mural room in the west wing of the White House, accompanied by Jessica Sanchez and her Fox News camera crew. Off to the side, Chief of Staff Wilbur Chamberlain looks on..)

Sanchez: We’ll be live in two minutes, Mr. President. Let’s try to keep the profanity to a minimum.

Jackson: (fiddling with his new suit)  Yes, ma’am. Is my tie crooked?

Sanchez: It’s fine.

Jackson: (leaning over the chair back at Wilbur)  I’ve been thinkin’, Wilby. I’m gonna do things differently this time around. Thinkin’ about getting a dog. A collie. Name him Lassie.

Chamberlain: The American people would certainly eat that up, Mr. President.

Jackson: Might take up smoking, too.

Chamberlain: Why on earth would you do that?

Jackson: (shrugs)  I dunno. Looks cool.

Sanchez: Gentlemen.

Line Producer: In five, four, three, two…

Sanchez: Good evening. I’m Jessica Sanchez. Tonight we have a very special guest: the President of the United States of America, Holden Jackson. Mr. President, thanks for joining us.

Jackson: How the fuck are you, Ms. Sanchez?

~~~

Sanchez: Now, take us into how exactly we got to this point. How did you get back to the very place you were banished from nearly a year ago?

Jackson: Well, I’m sure everyone’s heard the story by now. But it all began and ended with a man named Dungwoody.

~~~

(A week prior, at the Holden Jackson Reelection Campaign headquarters..)

Jackson: You ready for this, Dungwoody?

Dimwiddy: (straightening his tie)  I’m about to get you reinstated as the President of the United States. Any chance you could get my name right for a change?

Jackson: Not a chance, Dungwoody.

Chamberlain: What exactly is your plan, Clarence?

Dimwiddy: It’s best I not let you in on all the details. Let’s just say I’m gonna make the House an offer it can’t refuse.

Jackson: (pondering, then snapping his fingers)  You’re gonna strap yourself with dynamite. It’s so crazy, it just might work!

Dimwiddy: No you already tried that, remember? Didn’t work.

Jackson: Well to be fair, those were dildos.

Busey: (comes sprinting into the headquarters, flopsweating)  Took me all night, but I got your suit dry cleaned. Did I miss the inauguration? Stupid Kong had his TV on the Korean news channel all night.

Jackson: (tosses the dry cleaned suit aside)  Get that raggedy old thing outta here.

Busey: But.

Jackson: I took the extra money in our reelection campaign fund and bought this spiffy new one. Check this puppy out.  (does a slow spin)

Busey: That is pretty nice.

Dimwiddy: Alright, I’m off. Wish me luck.

Chamberlain: Good luck and godspeed, Rep. Dimwiddy.

Jackson: Yeah give ’em hell, Dungwoody.

Busey: (pointing at Dimwiddy, confused)  Who’s this guy?

~~~

(Back in the mural room..)

Sanchez: Mr. President, can you go into any detail as to precisely what transpired within the House of Representatives?

Jackson: Nope. It was a closed session. But I can tell you that we soon got our answer as to our futures. We were anxious — and the lease had come up on our campaign headquarters — so we decided to wait out the session on the steps of the House. Do you mind if I smoke?

Sanchez: I wasn’t aware that you did, Mr. President.

Jackson: (lights a cigarette)  Yeah, I’m cool.  (takes a puff, immediately develops a hacking cough)  Ooh, that’s smooth.

~~~

(Rep. Clarence Dimwiddy shuffles his diminutive frame down the House steps as Holden jumps up and down in anticipation..)

Chamberlain: Well?

Dimwiddy: (grinning, sticks out a hand)  Congratulations, Mr. President!

Jackson: (leaps into the air and starts running in circles, screaming and raising the roof)  Whooo! President Motherfucking Jackson back up in this bitch! What WHAT!

Chamberlain: How did you do it?

Dimwiddy: I just promised I’d hook ’em all up with Washington Capitals tickets once I become Vice President.

Busey: (whips his neck around)  Become what now?

Chamberlain: (grabs Dimwiddy by the arm)  We’ll leave you two to it.

Busey: What’s that short guy talkin’ about, Holden? I thought you said I was always gonna be your Vice President.

Jackson: You are, buddy. In spirit. But Clarence is gonna be, too. More in the actual literal sense of the title.

Busey: (eyes welling up)  So what am I, then?

Jackson: (scratching the back of his neck)  I dunno, Gary. It all happened so fast. I didn’t really get a chance to think about it.

Busey: (moping, trudges away)  Alright. See ya, Holden.

Jackson: (hollering after his good friend)  How ’bout Ambassador to Cambodia?

Busey: (yelling back over his shoulder)  Nah, I don’t like Chinese food.

~~~

Sanchez: And the story ends happily ever after. You’re back in the White House and ready to lead the nation once again.

Jackson: (staring out the window at the night sky)  Yeah…happily..

Sanchez: Now, it did come as a shock to many to find that former President Griffith Stone was in fact of Canadian descent. What exactly was your first reaction when you discovered–

Jackson: (removes his mic and gets up to leave)

Sanchez: Excuse me, Mr. President. I just have a few more questions.

Jackson: Not now, Jessica. I got something I need to do. Wilby, get Gary here. Pronto.

Sanchez: What are you going to do, Holden?

Jackson: (turns back to the Fox News cameras, dramatically)  I’m going to get a friend back.  (proceeds to walk directly into the wall)

~~~

(An hour later, Gary Busey is seated in the Oval Office wearing a motorcycle helmet..)

Jackson: What’s with the helmet, Gary?

Busey: (shrugs)  I dunno. Thought about goin’ to South America.

Jackson: On a motorcycle?

Busey: Well, I don’t have any friends in North America.

Jackson: Gary, I’m your friend.

Busey: Then why’d you fire me?

Jackson: I didn’t fire you; I hired Dungwoody. I mean, he did get me back in the White House. I owed him. Besides, it’s not like you were really qualified for the job. At least Dungwoody is sort of a politician.

Busey: I don’t think that’s how friends should treat each other.

Jackson: Well maybe friends just shouldn’t work together. Business breeds enemies. That’s no place for a friend.

Busey: Maybe you’re right.

Jackson: Nah, I’m probably not. I’ll find something for ya, buddy. This place just isn’t the same without you.

(A page rushes in, whispers something in Holden’s ear and the President’s eyes light up..)

Jackson: Gary! Great news!

Busey: (gets excited just by default)  What!

Jackson: Jim Baloney had a heart attack and died! You can take his job!

Busey: That’s fantastic!

Jackson: I know, right?

Busey: What was he?

Jackson: The Secretary of Defense.

Busey: (strokes his chin thoughtfully)  Secretary of Defense, eh?

KABOOM!!!!

(The White House is rocked and a number of Secret Service agents rush into the Oval Office, grabbing President Jackson..)

Agent: Mr. President, we have to get you down to the situation room.

Jackson: Why, what’s going on? What was that?

Agent: Mr. President. The Canadians are attacking.

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