The President – Episode 207
Through a series of unfortunate tragedies, 27-year-old Deputy Secretary of Transportation Holden Jackson became the youngest President in the history of the United States. Now he’s unemployed..
Episode 207 – Special Edition
Chamberlain: So, Griffith Stone is Moby Dick?
Jackson: (nods) Yup. And I’m Ahab. And you’re Ahab’s slave. And everybody else is all the other characters.
Chamberlain: You’ve never actually read Moby Dick, have you?
Jackson: (frowns) I read!
(Jessica Sanchez briskly enters the Wicked Awesome Super Radical Totally Tubular Mothereffing Republicans And Democrats Suck Hard Third Party Holden Jackson Reelection Campaign headquarters and plops a copy of the Washington Post down in front of the two men..)
Sanchez: There it is.
Jackson: Ooh, ‘Special Edition’!
Sanchez: It’ll be on every newsstand by 3PM this afternoon.
Jackson: (claps his hands together) So that’s that. I’m President again. Gary! Can you take my President suit to the cleaners?
Busey: Sure can, boss. (runs out the back door)
Jackson: Thanks, Gary.
Chamberlain: Not so fast, Holden. We still need Representative Clarence Dimwiddy to do his part and get the House behind you. They have to illustrate beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Stone Administration was a sham and that you should never have been impeached in the first place.
Jackson: (sulks, rests his head on the table) But I wanna be President now!
Chamberlain: It’s going to take a day. You can’t wait one more day to become President?
Jackson: (pouts) No!
Sanchez: (frowning) You only own one suit?
(Meanwhile, at the House of Representatives..)
Dimwiddy: And that, my esteemed friends and colleagues, is why we should reinstate Holden Jackson as President of the United States of America.
(House Speaker Leopold Harvey takes the podium..)
Harvey: Thank you, Rep. Dimwiddy. That is quite a cogent argument you have made in favor of former President Jackson. But you have not yet illustrated why President Griffith Stone must be replaced. His approval rating has never been higher. His gun ban bill is moving quickly through the Senate. What exactly is he doing wrong?
Dimwiddy: (smiling) The answer, Mr. Speaker, can be found on your local newsstand.
(Dimwiddy holds up a copy of the Post Special Edition and the four hundred and thirty-five United States Representatives in the room collectively gasp.)
(Busey is next door to the Holden Jackson Reelection Campaign headquarters, at the Korean dry cleaner..)
Busey: Yeah, I need to get this suit dry cleaned. It’s for the past and future President of the United States, so it’s a pretty big deal.
Kong: Everything big deal. You need dry clean? You take number.
Busey: (glancing around the empty dry cleaners, confused) But I’m the only one here. Can’t you just dry clean this suit? I kinda need to get back to work. I’m gonna be the Vice President again.
Kong: You no more important than anybody else. You want dry clean? Take number.
Busey: (squints angrily, takes number, sits down) You win this round, Kong.
(Speaker Harvey glances over the Special Edition..)
Harvey: Well, this certainly changes things.
Dimwiddy: (nodding) Mister Speaker, I propose we begin the impeachment process as soon as possible, in order to sooner reinstate President Jackson.
Garney: Not so fast, bucko!
(An older balding man with a glass of gin in one hand, stumbles into the House and makes his way towards the front podium..)
Dimwiddy: Sir, this is a closed session.
Harvey: Oh God, he doesn’t have dildos strapped to his chest does he?
Garney: (shoves a finger in the Speaker’s face) You’re the dildo!
Galbraith: Wait a minute, you know who this is?
Garney: I know who this is!
Galbraith: This is James Garney, the former Secretary of Housing & Urban Development. This is Holden Jackson’s old boss.
Kong: Number four! Does anyone have number four?
(Gary Busey glances down at his ticket, which reads ‘#79’.)
(Wilbur Chamberlain gets off the phone and comes back into the main room of the headquarters, where Holden is trying to explain his Moby Dick theory to Jessica..)
Sanchez: Yeah, but Ahab never caught the whale.
Jackson: Who said anything about whales?
Chamberlain: That was Dimwiddy.
Chamberlain: It seems we may have a problem.
(Holden, Wilbur and Jessica quickly rush over to the House and are let in through a back door into the main chamber, where they can hear Garney drunkenly ranting away..)
Garney: And he couldn’t fax memos for shit! How hard is it to use a damn fax machine?
Jackson: Oh, crap. Hey, Dungwoody.
Chamberlain: What seems to be the situation, Clarence?
Dimwiddy: Mr. Garney seems to believe he’s on C-SPAN right now. He’s saying some pretty nasty stuff about you, Holden. He might be swaying some people who were already on the fence.
Jackson: (rolls his eyes) C’mon, they’re gonna listen to some drunk? Let me talk to him.
Dimwiddy: I don’t think that would be the best decision right now, Holden. He’s pretty wound up. Had a lot of gin.
Jackson: Lemme at him. Hey, Garney!
(James Garney spins around, spots his former Deputy Secretary and charges like a rhino..)
Jackson: Oh, shi–
(Garney smashes his gin glass over Holden’s head, knocking him out cold and turns back to the House..)
Garney: You really wanna re-elect a man who can’t take a gin glass to the dome?
(One of the Representatives from a state that doesn’t matter near the back whispers to a nearby Maine representative..)
Rep.: He’s got a point.
Kong: Number six. Anyone have number six?
Busey: (muttering) Goddammit, Kong.
(Hours later, Holden has been carried back to the Holden Jackson Reelection Campaign headquarters by Wilbur, Jessica and Rep. Dimwiddy, where he finally wakes up..)
Jackson: Buh. Am I President now?
Sanchez: Not yet, Holden.
Chamberlain: That Garney character actually made some fine points through the cloud of gin. Do you think there’s a chance we’ve lost before we even got to fight?
Dimwiddy: I think I can win ’em back. But, I’m gonna need another day. The important thing is we’ve got Stone on the ropes.
Jackson: No no, that’s not the important thing. The important thing is me President.
Sanchez: That was almost a sentence. You just rest, Holden.
Jackson: Yes, mommy.
Dimwiddy: If I can get this done, do we still have an agreement?
Jackson: Yeah yeah, whatever you want Dungwoody.
Chamberlain: Well at least he didn’t forget that.
(President Stone is out taking an afternoon walk around the Mall with his Secret Service detail and stops to buy a paper at his local newsstand. Stone picks up the Special Edition and reads the headline..)
Special Edition: “President Canadian! Birth Certificate Reveals President of the United States of America to be Un-American.”
Stone: Oh, fuck.
Kong: Number nine. Anybody have number nine?
Busey: (face boiling red, raises his fists to the sky, screams) KOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!