The President – Episode 206
Through a series of unfortunate tragedies, 27-year-old Deputy Secretary of Transportation Holden Jackson became the youngest President in the history of the United States. Now he’s unemployed..
Episode 206 – The Treasure
Jackson: So whaddya got for me, Max?
(Holden Jackson is meeting in Lafayette Park on an unusually warm day in D.C. with Max Bork, a private investigator Holden’s hired to get dirt on President Griffith Stone in order to help his reelection campaign..)
Bork: (grins, opening a file) Butterflies.
Bork: (nodding) Monarch butterflies, to be specific. He collects ’em.
Jackson: Like, dead ones? In a jar?
Bork: Nope. Live ones, roaming free.
Jackson: (turning to Gary and Wilbur) Well that seems pretty damning, no?
Busey: (nods, staring at a sunbather nearby) Extremely damning.
Chamberlain: Actually, that’s not damning at all.
Jackson: C’mon. A butterfly collection? This guy’s supposed to start wars and he’s running around the Rose Garden with a giant net?
Chamberlain: Actually, the President’s job is to prevent war at all costs. And it’s merely a harmless hobby. Everyone has hobbies.
Jackson: Oh yeah, Wilby? What’s your hobby — being gay?
(Holden and Gary exchange a high-five..)
Bork: (chuckling) I mean it does paint him out to be a bit of a dandy, eh Mr. Chamberlain?
Chamberlain: Do you have anything of substance for us today, Mr. Bork?
Bork: That’s all I got so far. Gimme a break, King’s Speech; I’ve only been on this case a week.
Chamberlain: Holden, I’ve told you from the start this was a foolish endeavor; hiring a private investigator. I say we just pull the plug now before we’re found out.
Jackson: We’ll be fine. Bork’s got an airtight disguise.
Bork: (dons fake mustache) Nobody ever suspects the White House janitor.
(Fox News correspondent Jessica Sanchez is reporting live from outside the United States Capitol on a developing story..)
Sanchez: It is unclear at this time whether General Jufari has actually been shot; but oil prices are already plummeting due to the rumors and citizens of the small country of Goobamastam are rejoicing in the streets at the possibility that their ruthless leader is no more. Experts say that the transition–
(Holden sneaks on screen, tugging at Jessica’s shirt sleeve..)
Jackson: Jessica, I need you.
Sanchez: (glares at Holden, turns back to the camera with a smile) We’ll be right back.
(The cameraman stops tape and Jessica smacks Holden in the side of the head..)
Sanchez: That was a live feed! You have to stop interrupting my reports.
Jackson: Sorry. What’s going on in Goobamastam?
Sanchez: There are reports leaking out that General Abderal Jufari has been assassinated.
Jackson: Aw, that’s too bad. I always liked those Goobamastamanese.
Sanchez: It’s actually really good for the Goobamastamis. What did you want?
Jackson: What’s your opinion on butterflies?
Jackson: Like, if a man collected butterflies. Would you think he was less of a man? Unfit to lead?
Sanchez: Holden, we’ve been over this. I’m not interested in you. I don’t care what you do. Collect butterflies. Collect wallabies, for all I care.
Jackson: (chortles) C’mon Jessica, you’ve seen my apartment. Where would I put all those darn wallabies? No, I’m not the butterfly enthusiast in question. (glances around, leans in and whispers) It’s the President.
Sanchez: Ooh, wow. The President collects butterflies. Holden, I have to go back to work.
Jackson: So, you’re not gonna run with the story?
Sanchez: Goodbye, Holden.
(Holden slumps into a chair next to Wilbur Chamberlain at the Wicked Awesome Super Radical Totally Tubular Mothereffing Republicans And Democrats Suck Hard Third Party Holden Jackson Reelection Campaign headquarters; while Gary Busey throws darts at a President Stone dartboard in the back of the rented-out room in downtown D.C….)
Jackson: She’s not runnin’ with it.
Busey: Oh, c’mon! What does this guy have to do, kill a man?
Chamberlain: You equate collecting butterflies with killing–never mind. Holden, we really need to focus on getting the word out about your new third party.
Jackson: You mean The Wicked Awesome Super Radical Totally Tubular Mothereffing Republicans And Democrats Suck Hard Third Party?
Chamberlain: (sighs) Yes. And we should also focus on changing the name.
Jackson: Okay, Wilbur; but I just have one question for you: Do you want the Party to be less awesome?
Chamberlain: Um, I suppose not.
Jackson: Then the name stays.
(The phone rings and it’s Max Bork, calling from the White House janitor’s closet..)
Bork: Holden, I’ve got something big. Meet me in the park in a half hour.
Jackson: (hangs up the phone) It’s Bork. He’s about to blow this case wide open.
Jackson: I dunno, I’ve just always wanted to say that.
(Holden is showing Wilbur his sketchbook, where he’s drawn out an idea for his reelection campaign ad..)
Chamberlain: But why is the Sphinx wearing a brassiere?
Jackson: Well, this was originally gonna be for the Nefertitties Egyptian Bras ad campaign; but that never panned out.
Chamberlain: Because it never existed.
Chamberlain: I just don’t see how it applies. A dancing mummy?
Jackson: C’mon, Wilby! Look’t that mummy go!
Bork: Hey boys, do I have a scoop for you!
Chamberlain: What does he collect now? Ladybugs?
Bork: (smirks) Probably. Nope, this is bigger than a bug collection. Take a look.
(Bork pulls out a piece of paper and hands it to Holden, whose eyes bulge..)
Jackson: Ho. Lee. Sh–
(Jessica is back in front of the Capitol, once again reporting live..)
Sanchez: As it turns out, the assassination rumors were a hoax put on by the ruling party’s opposition. General Jufari is alive and well and the once-jubilant Goobamastamis have been returned to their homes…by force. Experts say that the oil–
Jackson: (pushes Jessica offscreen) Ahhh, interruption!
Sanchez: Goddammit, Holden! Can we cut, Jim?
Jim: (clicks off camera) You got it, Ms. Sanchez.
Sanchez: Holden, you’re gonna get me fired.
Jackson: (grinning wildly) Oh on the contrary, m’lady. I’m gonna get you promoted. (shoves Bork’s paper in Jessica’s face)
Sanchez: (annoyedly takes the paper and skims it, eyebrows raise) Ho. Lee. Shi–
(Back at the Holden Jackson Reelection Campaign headquarters Holden is pacing wildly, while Wilbur, Jessica and Gary watch him go back and forth..)
Jackson: How are we gonna play this, guys? This is a game-changer.
Chamberlain: Well, I think we should go to President Stone directly. Confront him on the matter and see what he says.
Jackson: (running his fingers through his hair) This is such a game-changer.
Sanchez: I could go live with it on the news. Expose him to America.
Chamberlain: Stop saying that!
Busey: I say we just kill him.
Chamberlain: Kill the President? You don’t think that’s a bit much?
Busey: I just don’t like the guy.
Jackson: No killing. I vote for the second one. What Jessica said. The TV thing.
Dimwiddy: What if there was a third option?
(All four spin to see at the headquarters’ front door, Vermont Representative Clarence Dimwiddy..)
Busey: Killing was the third option.
Dimwiddy: What if I could guarantee that – with your information and my help – we could make you President again?
Jackson: I would like that very much.
Dimwiddy: (smiling devilishly) Then from here on out, Dungwoody’s running the show. I mean Dimwiddy. Dammit!
Jackson: Ha, you called yourself a poop-boner.
Busey: So, we’re not killing him?