Totally Radical Sportz!

The President – Episode 202

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 02/01/2011

Through a series of unfortunate tragedies, 27-year-old Deputy Secretary of Transportation Holden Jackson became the youngest President in the history of the United States. Now, he’s unemployed..

Episode 202 – Two Parties

Jackson: C’mon, man. Is this as fast as it goes?

Busey: It’s a golf cart They’re not built for speed.

Jackson: Stupid golf. Elderly sport. We need a new hostage, I don’t think they’re gonna care that we took Dungwoody.

Dimwiddy: (sitting on backseat of golf cart, taking offense)  Hey! I’m a United States Representative!

Jackson: Yeah but you’re from some loser state, like Delaware.

Dimwiddy: Vermont.

Jackson: Exactly. No, we need somebody valuable. Somebody that’ll make the President stand up and take notice. And I think I have just the guy. Take a right here.

(Gary Busey turns the cart down a side road, where it is followed by roughly thirty DCPD squad cars and seven news choppers hovering overhead. They stop outside of Wimbledy’s Pub and Holden bolts inside, still strapped with dynamite. Moments later he returns to the cart with his former Chief of Staff, Wilbur Chamberlain in tow..)

Chamberlain: I say, Holden! This is highly irregular.

Jackson: Why’s everybody saying that today? Hit the bricks, Dungwoody.

Dimwiddy: It’s Dimwiddy. And if it’s not too much trouble, I’d like to stay. A story like this is sure to get me on the ballot for the upcoming Senate race.

Jackson: (shrugs)  Suit yourself. Wilbur, take a seat next to Dungwoody.

(Holden hops back into the cart and slams on the dash..)

Jackson: Let’s move, Gary!

Busey: I dunno, boss. Two hostages?

Jackson: (squinting down to the end of the narrow street)  Hmm, why stop at two?

~~~

(Former Washington Post reporter-turned-Fox News correspondent, Jessica Sanchez is covering the hostage situation a block away from Wimbledy’s Pub..)

Sanchez: The former President is reported as being armed, dangerous and highly erratic. Vermont Representative Clarence Dimwiddy has been taken hostage and is traveling in a commandeered House golf cart being driven by former Vice President and co-star of  Motocross Kids, Gary Busey. If you see these former world leaders, do not approach them. Call the DC police and maintain a safe distance as Jackson could detonate the bombs at any moment.

(As Jessica is reporting, Holden sneaks up behind her and waves at the cameraman who is pointing frantically, trying to capture her attention..)

Sanchez: When reached for comment, President Stone merely said, “That kook?”

Jackson: (frowns)  I’m not a kook.

Sanchez: (jumps, startled, turns and gasps)  Holden! What are you doing here?

Jackson: Giving you the story of a lifetime. Hop in the golf cart.

Sanchez: Holden, we’re on live television right now.

Jackson: (waves excitedly)  Hi, mom!

Busey: (waves from the cart in the background)  Hi, Holden’s mom!

Sanchez: The police are after you. You have to turn yourself in.

Jackson: Nah, we’re not doin’ that. You want in or not?

Sanchez: (thinks about it for a moment)  Can I bring my cameraman?

Jackson: (shaking his head)  Cart’s full. You’re just gonna have to do this one old-school: pen & pad. Like when you’d transcribe my fireside chats.

Sanchez: We never had fireside chats.

Jackson: What about that time I burned all that toast and you yelled at me?

Sanchez: I don’t think that counts.

Jackson: Are you comin’ or not?

Sanchez: (sighs, turns to the camera)  This is Jessica Sanchez, signing off.

~~~

(Jessica is sitting squished in between Holden and Gary as he steers the full cart through side streets, narrowly avoiding several patrolling squad cars..)

Sanchez: What do you think the conclusion is to this story, Holden?

Jackson: Me back in the Oval Office, kickin’ it with my homies.

Sanchez: You do remember you were impeached, right? There’s no coming back from that. The law states–

Jackson: Relax, Sanchez. Dungwoody’s got it all figured out.  (glancing in the rearview)  Don’t you, Dungwoody?

Dimwiddy: To be honest, I think all that flew out the window when you took hostages and evaded police capture.

Jackson: Well you’re just a sack of big help today, aren’t you Dungwoody? We just need to garner some support. Gary, start a Facebook petition.

Busey: On it.

(Gary pulls out his knockoff Chinatown Blackberry and starts typing away, steering with his knees as the cart starts veering wildly..)

Jackson: Not now, you ignoramus!

Sanchez: You really think there’s somebody out there powerful enough to help you?

Jackson: Of course. I’m beloved!

Sanchez: I don’t think you recall your Presidency quite the same as the rest of us do.

Jackson: We just need to go someplace and hide out until all this blows over. Someplace where they’ll least suspect us. And I think I’ve got just the place.

~~~

(Holden buttons his shirt back up and dons a fake mustache — as does Gary — and the group enters the Library of Congress..)

Jackson: (takes a deep breath, grinning)  Ahh, the libary. They’ll never suspect us here!

Sanchez: It’s “library”.

Jackson: (rubbing his hands together)  Let’s do some research. Get me some support.

Chamberlain: (thrusts a finger)  To the microfiche!

(Everybody stares at Wilbur and he lowers his hand slowly..)

Chamberlain: Sorry.

~~~

(Wilbur is scrolling through the microfiche as Holden stares over his shoulder, stroking his fake mustache..)

Jackson: I had to have some support.

Chamberlain: This gentleman compared you to Caligula.

Jackson: Is that good?

Dimwiddy: Better than Nero.

Jackson: Shut up, Dungwoody.

Chamberlain: To be fair, Holden; you did start a fire in the Lincoln Bedroom that one time.

Jackson: (smiling, stares up at the ceiling)  Yeah, we had fun. Hey, what about all of Jessica’s old articles. Those were probably pretty positive.

Sanchez: No, let’s not read those.

Chamberlain: Here’s one. “President Jackson is a child.”

Jackson: (frowns)  Not a great start.

Chamberlain:

“A child in the most literal sense. Give him credit for being thrust into an impossible position after the unspeakable tragedy of last January. But take that credit right back again after you witness — firsthand — a day in the life of our nation’s youngest leader.
His day begins around 10AM; after repeated and unsuccessful wake-up calls from 6:15, on. After a bowl of Cocoa Puffs and/or Pebbles (depending on his wont that morning) he is recited the day’s (now heavily-adjusted) schedule, which usually includes a lot of gladhanding and photo ops. His weary, beleaguered Chief of Staff — Wilbur Chamberlain — then must drag the President from stop to stop; watching him at every moment, much like an overzealous babysitter, in case he makes a break for it.
President Jackson  has pulled off several daring escapes from his handlers in his short tenure as the world’s most powerful man; but the Secret Service usually manages to recover him — kicking and thrashing — within the hour.
After a quick lunch in the Presidential motorcade at a fast food restaurant of his choosing (usually in the most terrifying sections of the District, much to his security detail’s chagrin) it’s a quick nap in the limo, followed by a meeting with the heads of the armed forces for an update on a war he frequently forgets is going on.
In the evening he meets with various foreign dignitaries, being sure to offend nearly every culture he comes in contact with. When he isn’t busy making broad stereotypical remarks, he usually discusses the happenings of a television program he viewed the evening prior. After this, it’s three hours of television, followed by (hopefully) sleep. Then it’s up late the next day for another twelve to thirteen hours of some of the worst leadership this nation has ever experienced.
God save us all.”

(Gary and Wilbur remain silent, as Holden exhales slowly..)

Jackson: Whew. Lotta big words.

Sanchez: I’m sorry, I never thought you would read that.

Jackson: Technically, I didn’t. Wilbur did. That was really mean, Jessica. I thought we were friends and future lovers.

Sanchez: We are. The first part. It’s just, well, you have to admit you weren’t the best President.

Jackson: Yeah, I know. That’s why I want this second chance. So I can prove to everybody that I’m not a crackpot.

(On a nearby television..)

Shimansky: Noted crackpot and former President Holden Jackson is still missing as the manhunt continues throughout the greater D.C. area. Both the Democratic and Republican parties have disowned the former world leader, lending one to wonder how his doomed bid for unimpeachment and reelection will go when both parties now want nothing to do with him.

Chamberlain: It looks like the jig is up, old boy. Time to throw in the towel, eh chum?

Jackson: Not so fast, you crumpet-eating Queen-lover.

Chamberlain: Well, they were a legendary band.

Busey: Shh, he’s thinkin’.

Jackson: I’ve got it! If the two parties won’t have me, I’ll start a third party!

Chamberlain: That’s actually been done many times over. There are literally dozens of parties. There’s the Tea Party, the Green Party, the Communist Party…

Sanchez: …the America First Party, the Labor Party, the Moderate Party…

Chamberlain: …the Libertarian Party, the National Socialist Movement Party, the Reform Party…

Sanchez: …the Unity Party, the Workers Party, the Marxist-Leninist Organization…

Chamberlain: …the Jefferson Republican Party, the New American Independent Party, the Florida Whig Party…

Jackson: (nodding wistfully, staring off into the nothing)  A third party. That’s the ticket.

(Holden glances at his former hostages, expectantly..)

Jackson: Get it? ‘Cause when you run for office, you’re on a ticket? It’s a hilarious political joke.

Dimwiddy: If you’re not gonna blow us up, can I get a ride home?

Busey: (explodes)  SHUT UP, DUNGWOODY!

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