The President – Episode 201
Through a series of unfortunate tragedies, 27-year-old Deputy Secretary of Transportation Holden Jackson became the youngest President in the history of the United States. Now, he’s unemployed..
Episode 201 – The Judas Touch
(Holden Jackson is in his boxers on the dingy couch of a small studio apartment in East D.C., eating Crunch Berries and watching Fox News..)
Shimansky: President Stone gave a speech on the Mall earlier today, introducing his new gun ban legislation. The speech was met with much aplomb and the bill should be rushed through Congress and signed into law by the end of the week.
Jackson: (scowls) He ain’t gettin’ his hands on my gun. (pets nearby NERF shoulder-cannon)
(Former VP Gary Busey trudges out of the bathroom — spraying everything behind him — and plops down next to Holden..)
Busey: Flip it over to Turner Classic Films, see if Point Break is on.
Jackson: I keep telling you, Gary. Turner Classic Films only show classic films. That’s why they call it Turner Classic Films.
Busey: (picks a Crunch Berry out of Holden’s bowl with his bare hand) Don’t belittle my filmography!
(On the TV, Fox News is showing President Stone’s speech, followed by raucous applause..)
Jackson: Look at this jerk.
Busey: (nodding) Who is that?
Jackson: (slowly turning toward Gary) …that’s the President. The guy that took my job? Our jobs?
Busey: (snaps his fingers) Ohhh, yeah. That jerk.
Jackson: A gun ban. Why didn’t I think of that? He’s got ’em eating out of the palm of his hands.
Busey: They’re banning what now?
Busey: (eyes narrow) It begins. Fetch me my duster.
(Holden and Gary are walking down J Street, towards the White House when they bump into Holden’s former Chief of Staff, Wilbur Chamberlain..)
Chamberlain: (going in for a handshake) Holden! I haven’t heard from you in ages. How have you been?
Busey: (stepping in front of Holden) Keep walkin’, Judas.
Chamberlain: (laughing nervously) Gary. No need to get your knickers in a twist. We’re all friends here.
Jackson: (frowns) No we’re not, Wilby–er, Wilbur. You betrayed me. You betrayed America. But I guess I should expect nothing less, coming from an Englishman.
Chamberlain: Well that’s a little out of line, don’t you think? It’s merely politics, old boy.
Jackson: Don’t you ‘old boy’ me, you old…girl.
Busey: Oop, zinger.
Chamberlain: This isn’t quite how I expected this to go.
Jackson: Well, I guess you should have thought of that before you stabbed me in the back to become Stone’s Chief of Staff.
Chamberlain: Actually, President Stone’s got his own man. I’m more of a Deputy Chief of Staff.
Jackson: So you betrayed me to the Romans for a demotion? God, you even bargain like an Englishman.
Chamberlain: The Romans? Are you comparing yourself to Jesus?
Jackson: (scowling, frustrated) I said what I said.
Chamberlain: Sir, you were impeached for gross negligence and putting American lives in danger. I think it’s time to get over it and move on with your life.
Jackson: Oh I’m moving on, alright. Moving on to the House of Representatives!
Chamberlain: Trying to re-enter the politics game, eh old chum?
Jackson: Shut up, Queen-lover.
Busey: Wait, House of Representatives? I thought we were going to the Senate.
Jackson: Nah, Senate won’t let us in the door.
Busey: Aww, but the House is lame and powerless. Nobody listens to the House!
Jackson: (eyes narrow, but not as narrow as Busey’s got earlier) Oh, they’ll listen. They’ll listen.
(An awkward silence falls over the three men until Wilbur breaks it..)
Chamberlain: Well, it was good seeing you gentlemen again. I’m sure we’ll bump into each other from time to time.
Jackson: That shirt makes you look stupid.
Speaker of the House, Leopold Harvey: Next on the agenda, the airport x-ray bill introduced by Representative Wallace, from the great State of Louisiana. The bill states that all x-rays should stop at the underwear and go no further; because x-ray technicians do not want to, quote, “be starin’ at balls all day.” All in favor?
(Holden and Gary burst into the House..)
Jackson: Not so fast, Mr. Speaker!
Harvey: (squinting towards the back of the room) Sir, this is a closed session. Do you work for C-SPAN?
Jackson: No, bitch. I work for America.
Busey: Ho, snap!
(Holden approaches the podium and Speaker Harvey finally recognizes the embattled former President..)
Harvey: President Jackson, this is highly irregular.
Jackson: Your mom’s highly irregular. Gimme that gavel.
(Holden snatches the Speaker’s gavel and pounds the dais..)
Jackson: Hear ye! Hear ye! I, Holden Ignacius Jackson, stand before you today as a humble servant of this great nation. I ask only one thing of you great people of the House of Representatives; which is way better than the Senate, by the way: Make me President again.
Rep. Galbraith (ID): Sir, with all due respect, you were impeached. How do you expect to become President again?
(Holden unbuttons his shirt to reveal a vest of dynamite..)
Jackson: By force.
(Holden Jackson and Gary Busey have barricaded themselves and all 435 Representatives in the House; while the C-SPAN cameras roll..)
Busey: I didn’t know your middle name was Ignacius.
Jackson: It’s not. Just makes me seem smarter.
Busey: (thinks about it for a moment) You’re right. It does.
Harvey: Mr. Jackson, you cannot hold the House of Representatives hostage.
Jackson: I’m not!
Harvey: You’ve barricaded the doors, you’ve threatened us and you’re strapped with dynamite. This is a textbook hostage situation.
Busey: They have textbooks for this?
Jackson: (whispers to his former Vice President) I told you we should have stopped and done some research at the libary beforehand.
Busey: (frowns) No, you didn’t! You said, “Hurry up, this dynamite is chafing my nipples.”
Jackson: Well, you shouldn’t have strapped it so high!
Harvey: Gentlemen, please! You have to let us go.
Jackson: (whining) No! I’m not President, yet.
Harvey: Mr. Jackson, how do you think this is going to end?
Jackson: (shrugs) With me sitting in the Oval Office, high-fiving VP Busey and flipping off Senator Stone and Wilbur Chamberlain picking weeds in the Rose Garden.
Busey: (nods) That sounds like an awesome ending.
Jackson: (grinning excitedly) I know, right?
Harvey: That’s not going to happen. You’ve been impeached. You can’t be President again. You had your chance and you blew it.
Jackson: Well I guess we’re all gonna get blown to smithereens, then.
Representative: There is one way.
Jackson: (whipping his neck around wildly) Who said that?
(A short man near the back of the House tepidly raises his hand..)
Harvey: Rep. Dimwiddy of Vermont. You have the floor, I suppose.
Jackson: (shoves the Speaker away from the dais) I wanna say that. (gets all serious) Represecutive Dungwoody of Vermont, you’ll halve the floor.
Dimwiddy: It’s Dimwiddy, sir.
Jackson: That’s even dumber than what I said. But go on. How can I become President again?
Dimwiddy: Well, we’re legislators. We can pass laws. You were impeached for gross incompetence. If you can prove that you have become a more responsible, mature individual; perhaps we can pass a law repealing the current rules of impeachment.
Jackson: That’s just crazy enough to work.
Harvey: With all due respect, Rep. Dimwiddy; how is a man with bombs strapped to his chest going to prove to us and the American public that he has matured.
Jackson: Well maybe I could just take off the dynamite vest and we could all promise to not tell anybody. It could be our little secret. Wait, are those cameras on?
(In a smoked-out college dormitory, two sophomores are flipping channels when they come across C-SPAN..)
Alex: Whoa, isn’t that the ex-President?
Burt: Which one?
Alex: The one with the bombs strapped to his chest.
Burt: (eyes widen) Dude. They all have bombs strapped to their chests.
Alex: No, just that one.
Burt: (squints) Oh yeah, you’re right. What’s on Animal Planet?
Alex: (flips) Oooh, monkeys!
TO BE CONTINUED..