The President – Episode 110
Through a series of unfortunate tragedies, 27-year-old Deputy Secretary of Transportation Holden Jackson has become the youngest President in the history of the United States.
Episode 110 – My Mum Is The Best Mum, Too
Jackson: These pineapple daiquiris are to die for. Have you tried these yet, Mrs. Chamberlain?
Dame Margaret: Try them? I do say, Mr. President; I’ve gotten positively pissed on them!
Jackson: (chortles) Oh, Margaret. You are one sassy Dame!
Dame Margaret: (giggling, playfully slapping Holden) Oh, you.
(A monkey leaps out of a nearby palm tree, grabs Holden’s pineapple drink and scampers off into the jungle..)
Jackson: Goddammit, that monkey’s starting to piss me off.
(For the past six days, the entire crew of USS Deathkiller and the partygoers for Dame Margaret’s 71st have been held hostage by known Saudi Arabian terrorist financier Akbar al-bin-El Amin on a quiet beach on the southern coast of the Caribbean island of Tobago..)
Chamberlain: I really don’t think it could be the same monkey every time, sir.
Jackson: Goddamn Tobagoan monkeys. I betcha Trinidadian monkeys aren’t that rude.
Busey: Oh, they’re rude. Trust me.
Sanchez: Any chance of us getting off this island anytime soon?
Jackson: Oh, here we go. The journalist’s asking questions again.
Sanchez: I’m just saying, it’s been about a week and our captors haven’t even made any demands yet.
Jackson: I got this, babe.
(Jessica Sanchez rolls her eyes as President Jackson approaches Mr. al-bin-El Amin, lying on a nearby hammock..)
Jackson: Yo, Akbar. My man. Any chance of us getting off this island anytime soon?
al-bin-El Amin: (eyes still shut) No.
(Holden slinks back to the group..)
Jackson: Yeah, that’s a no.
Higginbotham: (sneering) Buggered it up, did you?
Jackson: (glaring) Shut up, Higginbotham!
Shimansky: And the Presidential mannequin has been given a pilot deal with ABC and book publishing rights. In other news, we are entering Day Six of “Presidentnapping 2011”. There has still been no communication from the USS Deathkiller or their captors. President pro tempore of the Senate and Interim Acting President, Senator Griffith Stone joins us in studio to discuss the latest developments. President Stone, thank you for joining us.
Stone: Thank you, Tom.
Shimansky: Now, what are the latest developments?
Stone: There are no new developments.
Shimansky: We’ll be right back.
(Holden is taking a leak near the edge of the Tobagoan jungle when he spots an older man with a metal detector on the beach..)
Jackson: (wandering over) What’s that? Metal detector?
Old Man: Yup.
Jackson: Cool. Can I try?
Old Man: Nope.
Old Man: Ain’t you that new kid President?
Old Man: You on vacation?
Jackson: (glances back at a glaring armed Saudi henchman) Kinda.
Old Man: Shoulda gone to Trinidad. Ain’t nothin’ to do here in Tobago.
Jackson: Ah, well. There’s always next winter. You ever find anything cool, like pirate doubloons or a buried robot?
Old Man: Nope. Usually just keys and Tobagoan coins.
Jackson: Neat. Well, back to my…vacation. Nice meeting you, Mr. …
Howard: Howard. Just call me Howard. You wanna buy some Tobagoan coins?
Howard: Then to hell with ya!
Jackson: (turning back) Jeez, angry beachcomber.
Sanchez: What were you just doing? Who were you just talking to?
Jackson: Again with the questions.
Jackson: I dunno. Some old dude. Hey, do you wanna buy some Tobagoan coins?
Jackson: Then to hell with ya!
Sanchez: Did you tell him we’ve been kidnapped? He could send for help.
Jackson: (realization) Ohhh…yeah.
Sanchez: (beaming, hugs the President) Oh, Holden! You’ve saved us all!
Jackson: (smiling, squeezes Jessica closer) Yup, the Tobagoan army is on their way to save our butts.
Sanchez: (kisses Holden on the cheek) My hero!
Jackson: (blushing) And they’re bringing more pineapple daiquiris for everyone!
Monkey: (peeking out from behind palm tree) Ooh ooh, ah ah!
Jackson: (spinning around, glaring) Not you, monkey!
(At that very moment, in rural Connecticut..)
Diane: Woodrow, turn that up.
Shimansky: The President is believed to have been kidnapped by this man: Akbar al-bin-El Amin, a Saudi oil businessman and supposed terrorist financier. The ship has been traced to the southern coast of Tobago — or, “The Poor Man’s Trinidad” — where the President and his party are being held on a secluded beach. Communication has not yet been made with the kidnappers, but negotiations are expected to begin shortly.
Diane: Oh, dear.
Woodrow: That idiot’s really screwed the pooch this time.
Diane: (dials phone) Yes, operator? Can you get me the Oval Office? This is Mrs. Jackson.
(Holden is relaxing in the shade while a number of female hostages fan him with palm fronds..)
Jackson: Yup. The Tobagoan army should be rollin’ up here any minute now. Guns blazin’.
Sanchez: (growing skeptical) You’ve been saying that for the past six hours.
Jackson: They’re probably stretching. Don’t wanna pull a hammy.
(Akbar wanders over from his hammock..)
al-bin-El Amin: What is this? Why are you all smiling? Hostages do not smile.
Higginbotham: Because we are to be rescued from this wretched place by the Tobagoan constabularies and there is not a thing you can do about it, you ninny!
Jackson: Goddammit, Higginbotham!
al-bin-El Amin: (shouting to his men in Arabic, grabs Holden by the arm) Come. We are moving you.
Jackson: (throws his hands up) Alright, alright! I made it all up!
Sanchez: You what?
Jackson: Everything. The whole rescue operation. I made it all up. I was just talking to that old guy about buried robots. I forgot to ask for help. I didn’t want you to think I did another stupid thing, Jessica. So I made it up.
Sanchez: So, you made me not think you did another stupid thing by doing another stupid thing?
Chamberlain: So you made it all up. All of it.
Jackson: Thanks for joining us, Wilby. (elbows Higginbotham, grinning)
Busey: (wiping dead hooker blood on his pants) You oughta be ashamed of yourself.
al-bin-El Amin: Enough of this. We must go now.
Jackson: What’s the rush? I told you the Tobagoan army ain’t coming. They probably don’t even have an army on this godforsaken beautiful tropical island. It’s probably an army of parrots.
al-bin-El Amin: Now we must go.
Jackson: What’s the matter, Akbar? Scared of the parrot army?
Dame Margaret: Not so fast, wanker!
al-bin-El Amin: Excuse me?
Dame Margaret: I’ve had just about enough of you and your terrorist friends. You let us go this instant. You ruined a wonderful birthday party these fine young gentlemen threw for me. You’ve kept us on this island for a week while the Colonies are surely in turmoil. Now, you let us go before my Wilbur gives you a walloping.
(Akbar’s henchmen snicker and Wilbur hangs his head..)
al-bin-El Amin: Are you done, old lady?
Dame Margaret: Well, I never!
(From over the jungle canopy a helicopter appears and sets down on the beach, yards from the group. Akbar’s men train their guns on a number of soldiers escorting someone..)
Jackson: Yay! The Tobagoan army has saved us all!
Chamberlain: You made that up, remember?
Jackson: Oh yeah. Then who’s this?
Jackson: Oh, God.
Sanchez: (smiling) Is that–?
Jackson: My mom.
(Diane Jackson gives her son a big hug, turns around and smacks Akbar across the face with her pocketbook. Akbar’s henchmen draw their pistols again..)
al-bin-El Amin: Stand down.
Diane: You awful man! Where do you get off kidnapping the President?
(Diane smacks Akbar two more times with her purse while he tries to stifle the blows..)
al-bin-El Amin: Please, stop. Your lady bag is very heavy.
(Diane & Dame Margaret begin taking turns smacking Akbar with their handbags until he can take no more..)
al-bin-El Amin: Enough! Men, board the boat. We are leaving. You are not worth it, Mr. President. Your country is not worth it. America is a nation run by momma’s boys.
Jackson: Damn right.
al-bin-El Amin: We shall cross paths again, Mr. President. You can count on that.
Jackson: Okay, Akbar. You take care. (waving as the speedboat takes off towards the horizon) Thanks for the watch!
Chamberlain: Well, our nation’s long national nightmare is finally over. What say we go home, eh Mr. President?
Jackson: Sounds good to me. Get the USS Deathkiller‘s engine running, will ya Capt. Apple?
Sanchez: (putting an arm around Holden’s mom) Well, at least there’s one Jackson in this family that can take charge when things need to get done.
Jackson: (cracks knuckles) Yup, I’m pretty awesome.
Jackson: (grinning, throws an arm over his mother’s shoulder) You’re alright too, Ma.
Diane: Thanks, sweetie.
Jackson: Now, let’s celebrate with a drink! (pulls a pineapple daiquiri out of nowhere)
Higginbotham: Where the devil did you get that?
Jackson: I dunno. It’s an island.
Monkey: (leaps from palm tree) Ooh ooh, ah ah! (snatches daiquiri and vanishes off into the jungle)
Jackson: (frowning) That monkey’s gotta be crazy drunk by now.
(Back in Washington that evening, Holden enters the Oval Office and notices a man sitting at the Resolute Desk..)
Jackson: Dang it, Paco. What did I say about sitting in “El Jefe’s” chair? Look at this place, you didn’t vacuum a thing.
Stone: (spinning around in chair) Hello, Mr. President.
Jackson: (taken aback) Oh, Senator Stone. I thought you were my Salvadorean janitor. I heard you did a good job filling in for me while I was gone. Thanks for your help.
Stone: My pleasure.
Jackson: So, I imagine you’ll be heading back to the Senate chambers now.
Stone: In time.
Jackson: Uh…he he. You’re, uh, in my seat.
Stone: I know.
(A monkey leaps down from the top of a nearby bookshelf and snatches a pineapple daiquiri Holden didn’t even realize he was holding; before scurrying off down the hall..)
Monkey: Ooh ooh, ah ah!
Jackson: Goddammit, monkey!