The President – Episode 108
Through a series of unfortunate tragedies, 27-year-old Deputy Secretary of Transportation Holden Jackson has become the youngest President in the history of the United States.
Episode 108 – The Big Ray
(President Holden Jackson is out on the White House’s back patio on a Friday afternoon, sharing a beer and shootin’ the shit with Secretary of Defense, Geoffrey Hardy..)
Jackson: So, Hardy; you got any big military secrets you can fill me in on? I need to get my mind off all this impeachment talk. Any cool robot mecha-soldiers?
Hardy: The Mecha-Soldiers are still in a beta-testing stage.
Jackson: Aw. What about any reverse-engineered alien technology?
Hardy: To the best of my knowledge, there is no such thing as aliens. (wink)
Jackson: I knew it! Hows ’bout a big old laser gun?
Hardy: (ponders for a moment) Well, there’s The Big Ray.
Jackson: The Big Ray? Sounds big, what is it?
Hardy: Well, it’s essentially a giant laser particle beam cannon that can be fired at any target on the planet. It was built during the Cold War, but we never actually put it into use. Officially.
Jackson: So cool. Is it on the Moon?
Hardy: No, sir. It’s on Earth.
Jackson: Oh, slightly less cool. Still though, giant death ray.
Hardy: (nodding) Giant death ray, sir.
Jackson: (beaming) Let’s go check her out.
(Moments later, President Jackson and Secretary Hardy are in a military helicopter headed towards Northern Virginia..)
Hardy: (hollering over the chopper) We keep it in the Blue Ridge Mountains on high ground, secluded from the public.
Jackson: (straining to hear) What?
Hardy: I say we keep it in the Blue–
Hardy: Never mind, I’ll explain when we’re on the ground.
Hardy: I say never mind, I’ll–
Hardy: (throws his hands up) Forget it, forget it.
(Jackson and Hardy land in a secluded clearing and the General leads Holden down a long ladder to an underground tunnel..)
Hardy: This entire complex was built in the early 80’s as a final defense against the Russians.
Jackson: (shaking his head) Those lousy Commies. Whatever happened to them?
Hardy: They’re…still in Russia.
Jackson: (squints) They would be. So, where’s this Death Ray at?
Hardy: At the end of this tunnel.
Jackson: (peering down the hallway) Hmmm. Long tunnel. Whaddya wanna talk about until we get there? Current events? Sports? You like sports?
Hardy: Not particularly.
(The two men share a silent fifteen-minute walk before arriving at a large bank vault-type door where the General enters in a code..)
Jackson: (jumping up and down, clapping) Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! Death Ray!
(The General pushes the large bay door open and holds out his hands..)
(Holden’s eyes light up and then his shoulders sink..)
(Holden circles the three-foot long laser beam gun, disappointedly..)
Jackson: It’s so little.
Hardy: It’s not the size of the Death Ray, it’s the destruction it can do.
Jackson: Ain’t that the truth. Let’s blow shit up.
Hardy: I don’t think that would be wise, Mr. President.
Jackson: C’mon! You think I came all the way out here to just look at a laser gun? Let’s shoot something!
Hardy: It’s just that this weapon hasn’t been used in nearly three decades.
Jackson: So it’s probably jonesin’ to laser something. Let’s light this candle!
Hardy: (smirking) Well, I suppose we could blow up something little. You know, in its day, it was the most precise weapon in the fleet. You type in the coordinates and it would put a laser on a postage stamp.
Jackson: Why would it do that? To verify that it’s a legal postage stamp?
Hardy: No, I’m just saying it’s a very precise instrument and can hit small targets.
Jackson: Ooh, let’s shave off one of Busey’s eyebrows!
Hardy: Alright, I’ll just set the laser on ‘Singe’. And what are VP Busey’s coordinates?
Jackson: (checks his watch) This time of day he’s usually sunbathing on the roof of the White House.
Hardy: In winter.
Hardy: Alright. Let’s bring VP Busey up on the big screen. There he is. Ooh, he’s pasty. We’ll just localize the parameters and set the target for his left eyebrow.
Jackson: (chortling excitedly) Which one is that? His gay eyebrow?
Hardy: I don’t think there is such a thing, sir. Okay, everything is set up here. Would you like to do the honors?
Jackson: (rolling up his sleeves) Don’t mind if I do.
(Holden balls his hand into a fist and bangs it down on the button, sending a laser blast out through the roof of the underground complex. Seconds later, the same laser blast comes hurtling down on a happily sunbathing Vice President Gary Busey..)
Busey: Ow! Martians!
(Holden and Gen. Hardy are rolling on the ground, chortling out loud..)
Jackson: (wiping the tears of joy from his eyes) Oh, lasers!
Jackson: What else can we laser?
Hardy: I dunno, sir. Maybe we should call it a day.
Jackson: Nonsense! Type in 27 Georgetown Ave.
Hardy: (typing in coordinates, a window comes up on the screen) And whose residence is this? Some political enemy?
Jackson: Jessica Sanchez.
Hardy: The Post reporter?
Jackson: Yup. She’s sorta my girlfriend.
(Jessica then appears on-screen at the window, unbuttoning her blouse..)
Hardy: I find that highly doubtful, sir.
Jackson: (rubbing his hands together) Ooh, baby. Why don’t we help her with that bra. (cues up laser)
Hardy: Sir. (points at screen)
(A man appears on the screen and embraces Jessica as Holden’s shoulders slump..)
Jackson: Take it offline, Hardy.
Hardy: Yes, sir.
Jackson: Hold on, though. Lemme just shoot one little warning blast.
Hardy: I don’t think that would be wise, Mr. President.
Jackson: I’m just gonna wing him!
Hardy: (wrests control of the laser from Holden) How about we laser blast something else instead?
Jackson: (pouting) Nah.
Hardy: I’ll let you shoot some Russians.
Jackson: (raises an eyebrow, then shakes his head) Nah. Take me home, General. The Red Menace will live to fight another day.
(That evening, President Holden Jackson is slumped over the Resolute Desk, sulking, when VP Busey bursts in..)
Busey: I just had an alien encounter!
Jackson: No you didn’t, Gary. It was me and General Hardy with a laser cannon in the Blue Ridge Mountains.
Busey: No, I think I just hit a Mexican with my car. Help me drag him off the curb.
Busey: Why not, Holden? You love dragging immigrants with old Uncle Gary.
Jackson: Too sad.
Busey: Sad about what?
Jackson: A girl.
Busey: Is it Bernadette Peters?
Busey: Because one time, I’m givin’ the business to ‘Ol Bernie when–
Jackson: I don’t wanna hear about your gross Hollywood sex adventures right now, Gary. I just wanna sit here and be sad.
Busey: Okay, buddy. But if you ever wanna talk about anything. (heads for the door)
Jackson: Jessica’s seeing somebody else.
Busey: That Hispanic you like? Aw, I’m sorry kiddo. How’d you find out?
Jackson: Saw her on the laser cannon camera in her bedroom window.
Busey: (pats Holden on the back) That’s always one of the toughest ways to find out.
Jackson: I just thought I could have it all. The Presidency, the girl, this commemorative plate for the tragic bus accident of January 2nd. But I’ve lost the girl. I’m gonna lose the Presidency. And I lost that plate.
Busey: Yeah, I stole that plate. Heatin’ up some nachos on it right now.
Jackson: (eyes light up) Ooh, nachos!