The President – Episode 107
Through a series of unfortunate tragedies, 27-year-old Deputy Secretary of Transportation Holden Jackson has become the youngest President in the history of the United States.
Episode 107 –Reminiscing About Last New Year’s
Jackson: We’ve only got a couple days! Ohhhh!
(President Holden Jackson is hopping up and down, waggling his wrists fretfully..)
Chamberlain: Sir, relax. It’s just a party. I really think we should be focused more on these tax cuts. People’s financial futures are at stake.
Jackson: Yeah? Well, my coolness future is at stake. What’s more important, Wilbur?
Chamberlain: (long pause) …people’s finan–
Chamberlain: We’ll get some streamers and some booze, decorate the main hall and invite a number of foreign dignitaries. There, New Year’s Party planned. It’s eighteen days from now, for God’s sake. Now, to these tax cuts..
Jackson: Wilbur, this is my first Presidential New Year’s party. This is serious business. I can’t have what happened at last year’s party happen again.
Chamberlain: Why, sir? What happened at last year’s party?
Jackson: (sighs wearily, gazes out the window onto the front lawn) I remember it like it was almost a year ago…
(Deputy Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Holden Jackson is hosting a number of coworkers in his small East DC apartment..)
Jackson: (strutting around the living room) Stevie, Happy New Year! How’s that punch, Jeffrey? Sandra, that dress looks stunning.
Sandra: I’m Debbie.
Jackson: Debbie, right. Still stunning.
(Secretary of Housing and Urban Development James Garney enters Holden’s apartment and throws his coat on the Deputy’s bed..)
Garney: Nice digs, Jackson. (hiccups)
Jackson: Thank you, sir. We’re honored you chose to spend your New Year’s with your employees.
Garney: (hiccup-burps) Ah, got kicked outta the White House. Too drunk. You remember our intern, Sindi?
Sindi: (pops gum, twirls hair) Hiya.
Jackson: Yes, Sindi; our light file clerk. Glad you could join us as well. Where’s the Mrs., sir?
Garney: (shrugs) Where’s the booze?
Jackson: Right over here. All the booze you’ll need to ring in the New Year and then some.
Garney: (begins filling cup with various liquors) Mmm, booze.
Chamberlain: I don’t see anything wrong with that. You had a nice party and your boss showed up.
Jackson: I’m not to the traumatic part yet.
Chamberlain: Then can we get there soon? These tax cuts..
Jackson: Just lemme go at my own speed. What do you think, sword swallowers? I kinda wanna go for a circus theme this year. Jessica was talking about this circus she went to as a child in Mexico. Most of it sounds pretty illegal; but there was some cool stuff in there.
Chamberlain: I don’t know, sir. I imagine sword swallowers to be quite expensive.
Jackson: They can’t charge that much. I mean they need the work, don’t they? How often does that skill come in handy in day-to-day life?
Chamberlain: I’m uncertain, sir.
Jackson: I guess if you were really hungry and all you had was a sword..
Chamberlain: Tell me more about last year’s party, sir.
Jackson: Probably has a lot of iron..
(Holden is standing awkwardly in the corner of his apartment as his coworkers dance on the living room floor..)
Jackson: (smiles, talking to himself) Pretty fun party, Holden. Pretty fun party.
Sandra: (waving from the makeshift dance floor) Hey, Holden. Pretty fun party!
Jackson: Thanks, Debbie.
(Sec. Garney staggers over, stinking of booze..)
Garney: Hey, Holjim..
Jackson: It’s Holden, sir.
Garney: Whatever. I need to borrow your bed. Gotta give Sindi some “Urban Development”. If you know what I mean.
Jackson: Good one, sir. Hey, do you think your wife would like that joke?
Garney: Oh, don’t get all moralistic on me, Holjim. It’s New Year’s. I can just make a resolution tomorrow not to cheat on my wife.
Jackson: I don’t think that’s how resolutions work, sir.
(Garney waves a hand at Holden and drags a heavily-inebriated Sindi into the bedroom..)
Jackson: (glances around the room nervously) Sorta fun party, Holden.
Chamberlain: So he was that blatant about his infidelities? I always knew Garney was a pig, but this.
Jackson: Yeah and he didn’t even take the sheets off the bed either. At least have the decency to take the sheets off the bed. So gross. Hey, do you think the DC Zoo would let us borrow a lion?
Chamberlain: I highly doubt it, Mr. President.
Jackson: Couldn’t we tell ’em it’s for national security?
Chamberlain: They would need an explanation, sir.
Jackson: (thinks for a minute) Ah, I got nothin’.
Chamberlain: Well, what happened next?
(The noises from Holden’s bedroom got so loud that most of the coworkers file out before midnight..)
Jackson: (knocking on his bedroom door) Sir, it’s almost midnight.
Garney: (hollering) Yeah, and my ball’s about to drop!
Stevie: (staggering past the bedroom) Ew, he’s only got one?
Jackson: Shut up, Stevie!
Garney: Who was that? Johnson? Don’t you be spreading falsehoods about my testicles, Johnson!
(Out of nowhere, Dale – the office mail messenger – bursts into the bedroom with a Polaroid camera and snaps a couple shots of Sindi and Sec. Garney, mid-coitus, before scurrying out of the room and down the hallway, giggling..)
Garney: (stomps into hallway with somebody else’s jacket wrapped around his waist) Goddammit, Jackson! I thought I told you my ball was about to drop.
Jackson: I’m sorry, sir. It’s just that…people need their coats.
(Garney glances down and picks up one of the Polaroids..)
Garney: Oh, so it’s the blackmail game you wanna play, eh Jackson?
Jackson: No, sir. That wasn’t me. That was Dale, the mail guy.
Garney: Nice try, Jackson. But you gotta get up pretty early in the morning to pull a fast one on old Jimmy Garney. Your career is finished in this town . You hear me, Jackson? Finito.
(Holden hangs his head forlornly as Stevie watches Dick Clark..)
Stevie: 3…2…1…Happy New Year!
Chamberlain: Well, you obviously weren’t fired. What happened?
Jackson: Once Garney sobered up the next morning, he took my – er, Dale’s – pictures a little more seriously and ended up resigning.
Chamberlain: Making you the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development.
Jackson: (nodding) And then the day after that, of course, was the terrible bus accident, and – BOOM – I’m President.
Chamberlain: And that was your worst New Year’s party?
Chamberlain: But it ended up with you becoming the President of the United States. Surely there have been worse parties.
Jackson: Yeah, but I didn’t get to do the 3-2-1.
Chamberlain: Well, we’ll be sure that you lead the countdown at this year’s party.
Chamberlain: But of course that’s all still a couple weeks away. Now, back to these tax cuts.
Jackson: Right, tax cuts. Do you think we could get somebody to shoot Busey’s pet midget out of a cannon?