The President – Episode 106
Through a series of unfortunate tragedies, 27-year-old Deputy Secretary of Transportation Holden Jackson has become the youngest President in the history of the United States.
Episode 106 – The Garry Crosby Show
Jackson: Aww, I hate Garry Crosby.
(President Holden Jackson is crossing his arms and pouting like a small child at the Resolute Desk..)
Chamberlain: Somebody has to go on there and clear up all these rumors swirling about.
Jackson: (gazing out the window distractedly) What rumors? The rumors about your gayness?
Chamberlain: I thought we quashed those. No, I’m referring to the rumors on http://www.govtsecrets.com. It’s becoming quite the popular site. It’s got dirt on all of us. Most of it’s bunk; but some of it is…rather true.
Jackson: Oh, jeez. Do they know we’re pirating cable?
Chamberlain: We’re what?
Chamberlain: So the show goes live at 8PM tonight. You should be prepped and ready by 7:30.
Jackson: Can’t you go on? Or Busey?
Chamberlain: Do you really think it would be wise to put Gary Busey on live national television?
Jackson: (stares down at his desk) No.
Chamberlain: Good. We’ll have the car ready to take you over to the studios at seven. No swearing.
Chamberlain: And no flashing of gang signs.
Jackson: That was an involuntary muscle spasm.
Chamberlain: You yelled, “Bloods in the building! Soo woo!”
Chamberlain: And it was The MacNeil/Lehrer News Hour.
Jackson: I said whatever!
(That evening President Jackson is sitting in the green room when he is greeted by host Garry Crosby..)
Crosby: Mr. President! Really excited to have you on the program this evening.
Jackson: I’m sure you are. So how long is this gonna take?
Crosby: Well, it’s an hour-long show; but we’ve just got you for the first half-hour.
Jackson: And I’m supposed to do what during the commercial breaks? Just sit there?
Crosby: Well, we could chat.
Jackson: You got a magazine I can bring up there?
Crosby: I suppose we can find one for you. Look sir, if you’ve got a problem with me.
Jackson: I do actually, Garry; seeing as how you railroaded me last time I was on your dumb show.
Crosby: If I recall correctly, I believe I asked you how you got your original job in the Department of Housing and Urban Development; and you proceeded to confess that you had an affair with an intern.
Jackson: I panicked.
Crosby: You panicked.
Jackson: (hangs his head) I just wanted to get my name in the paper.
Crosby: You had just been appointed the youngest President in the history of the United States. Your name was gonna be in the paper, regardless.
Crosby: Also, you’re not married. So I don’t really see how you could have possibly had an affair to begin with.
Jackson: I said whatevs!
Crosby: We’re pleased to be joined tonight by none other than Holden Jackson, the President of the United States. Glad you could join us, Mr. President.
Jackson: (glances up from the latest issue of Vogue) Happy to be here, Garry.
Crosby: Now Mr. President, I’m sure by now you’re familiar with the website http://www.govtsecrets.com.
Jackson: Absolutely. Big fan. Read it every day.
Crosby: You’re a big fan? Of the site that’s single-handedly bringing down your administration.
Jackson: Oh, I thought you said http://www.victoriassecret.com.
Chamberlain: (off-camera, buries his head in his hands)
Crosby: Why don’t we go over some of the more glaring allegations and you can help us clear up the facts from the fiction.
Crosby: Alright, this first rumor alleges that you falsely declared the War in Afghanistan over; leading to chaos and turmoil in that country and its devolving into a land of warlords and genocide. And all of this just to win some votes. Even though Election Day was nearly two weeks prior to the announcement.
Jackson: That was just a little bit of a scheduling snafu on our part. You see, my man Wilby–
Crosby: Wilbur Chamberlain, your top advisor and Chief of Staff.
Jackson: He’s British. And I guess their elections are a little later than ours or something. So he got confused, which got me confused and everything just ended up being very confusing.
Crosby: And the war? You lied to the American public about it being over so a lecherous, senile old Louisiana Senator could be re-elected.
Jackson: Yeah, that part’s right.
Chamberlain: (logs onto http://www.monster.com on his Blackberry)
Crosby: Wow. Gripping television. We’ll be right back.
Director: Back in sixty!
Crosby: I gotta thank you, Mr. President. This is really doing wonders for our ratings.
Jackson: (back to reading Vogue) Bully for you.
Crosby: I really wanted to get the guy who runs http://www.govtsecrets.com on as well; but he’s studying for his SATs.
Jackson: (reading) “Ten Ways To Thrill Your Man.” (frowns) Only ten?
Crosby: And we’re back with President Jackson. Now, the next rumor I’d like to address is that you tried to enter the United States into the European Union. This has to be complete hokum, right?
Jackson: No, that one’s true too. But they were dicks about it. Man, where are you getting all this stuff? It’s really accurate.
Crosby: Like I mentioned at the top of the show, we’re getting all of this information from the blog http://www.govtsecrets.com.
Jackson: I’m beginning to worry that they’re not as focused on sexy lingerie as they used to be.
Crosby: Again Mr. President, I should remind you that I’m not referring to http://www.victoriassecret.com.
Jackson: (flips page) Whatever.
Crosby: Now, this rumor alleges that VP Gary Busey owns and operates a pet midget.
Jackson: Well, that’s just ridiculous.
Crosby: (chuckling) I know. The internet, huh?
Jackson: But also true.
Crosby: Oh, c’mon!
Jackson: It’s really fun. We taught it how to play fetch over Thanksgiving break.
(Wilbur Chamberlain is off-camera, waving his arms wildly and running a finger across his throat..)
Jackson: Somebody, please! Help Wilby, he’s choking!
Crosby: (smiling broadly) We’ll be right back.
Jackson: (mopping the sweat off his forehead) Really throwin’ me some curveballs aren’t ya there, Crosby?
Crosby: Just trying to get the truth out there, Mr. President. One more segment and we’ll be done.
Jackson: That’s good, ’cause I really have to poop.
Crosby: So you and that Jessica Sanchez are gettin’ pretty close, huh? Yeah, I hit that.
Crosby: And we’re back. Mr. President, I’d like to close tonight with possibly the juiciest tidbit of information http://www.govtsecrets.com has gotten its hands on. It seems that the I-word has been tossed around the White House, recently.
Jackson: (nods) Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Wilbur’s gotten that taken care of for the most part.
Crosby: No, sir. I’m afraid the I-word I’m referring to is ‘impeachment’.
Jackson: Never heard of it.
Crosby: Well, that’s odd; because it seems that you’re the one who introduced the idea to your Chief of Staff.
Crosby: It says here that you feigned illness and even prepared VP Gary Busey – an actor with no leadership experience whatsoever – to take over.
Jackson: Actors are just rich people without souls or shame. Gary would make a fantastic President. Not that I’ve thought of handing over the reins.
Crosby: http://www.govtsecrets.com says you have.
Jackson: (waving his hand disdainfully) Ah, that’s the internet. What do they know? Except for that website where they dress the cats up like famous people. That’s awesome.
Crosby: Well, with all due respect, Mr.President; everything else on http://www.govtsecrets.com seems to be the gospel truth, which makes this allegation true as well.
Crosby: What will President Holden Jackson’s thoughts of self-impeachment mean to his Presidency? Is the youngest President ever fit to lead? We’ll be taking your calls in the next half-hour when President Jackson won’t be here to defend himself.
Jackson: I could always stick around..
Crosby: (reaches across desk, shaking Holden’s hand) Thank you for joining us today, Mr. President. It’s been a real pleasure.
(Holden wanders dazily offstage and smiles at a colorless Wilbur Chamberlain..)
Jackson: Well, that wasn’t so bad.
Chamberlain: (vomits into trashcan)
(That evening, Holden is slumped in front of the Washington Monument – sulking – when he’s joined by Post reporter Jessica Sanchez..)
Sanchez: Saw your interview.
Jackson: I’m screwed.
Sanchez: There were some good parts in there. The midget thing was funny.
Jackson: Funny and damaging.
Sanchez: Nobody listens to Garry Crosby.
Jackson: Everybody listens to Garry Crosby!
Jackson: Now I’m gonna have Senators and Representatives moving for impeachment. It’s funny, a week ago I wouldn’t have cared. I wanted to leave. But now?
Sanchez: Now you want to stay.
Jackson: All I want is to be remembered as one of the greatest Presidents to ever live. Is that so much to ask?
Sanchez: That’s actually the most that’s ever been asked by anyone ever.
Sanchez: Look at it this way: A week ago, you took this job for granted. Now you understand its worth. Now you’ve got something to fight for.
Jackson: (eyes light up) You’re right, Jessica. I’m gonna fight this thing. If they want me out of that House, they’re gonna have to drag me out.
(Holden stands up and Jessica notices a stain on the seat of his pants..)
Sanchez: Oh, Mr. President..
Jackson: (glances back at his rear end) Aw, man. I sat in ice cream!
Sanchez: (scrunching her nose) I don’t think that’s ice cream.
Jackson: (glaring down at the intrepid reporter) It’s ice cream.
(Holden glances up at the Washington Monument rising up into the dark night sky, lit up like a pyre of freedom..)
Jackson: You think this thing has a bathroom?