The President – Episode 105
Through a series of tragedies, 27-year-old Deputy Secretary of Transportation Holden Jackson has become the youngest President in the history of the United States.
Episode 105 – Suppose Holden Gets Sick
Chamberlain: You want to what?
Jackson: Impeach myself. It’s the only way Jessica Sanchez will go out with me.
Chamberlain: You want to impeach yourself…for a girl.
Jackson: (rolls his eyes) No, I want to impeach myself ’cause I’ve wrongly served my country.
Chamberlain: That would be more believable.
Jackson: Shut up, Wilby.
Chamberlain: Sir, I cannot in good conscience go along with an idea this ill-advised.
Jackson: Wilbur, we both know how bad I am at this job.
Chamberlain: That’s not true. You’ve done some good things since ascending to the Presidency.
Jackson: (eyes narr0w) Name one.
Chamberlain: (struggling to come up with something) You got that kitty out of the tree in the Rose Garden.
Jackson: Yeah. Didn’t survive the fall, though.
Chamberlain: Mr. President, I apologize; but I cannot be any part of your self-impeachment.
Jackson: Whatever, I can do it myself. What did Nixon do?
Chamberlain: Spied on his opponents.
Jackson: Nah, that would take too long. What did Clinton do?
Chamberlain: Was fellated by an intern.
Jackson: Ugh. Our interns are butt-ugly. What did Emilio Estevez’s dad do on West Wing?
Chamberlain: I believe he hid from the public a debilitating degenerative disease.
Jackson: (fake coughs) Oh, Wilby. I think I’m getting sick. Don’t think I can be President anymore.
Chamberlain: Sir, you do realize what would happen if you were impeached?
Jackson: I could marry Jessica and we could get married and have tons of half-Mexican babies and live happily ever after.
Chamberlain: Gary Busey would become the President of the United States.
(Vice President Gary Busey is sitting in a lawn chair in front of the White House, eating an entire lobster – shell and all – like in that Tom Hanks movie..)
Jackson: Hey, Gary. Havin’ a snack there?
Busey: (nods, smacks his lips loudly)
Jackson: That’s good. Shellfish. Good for the heart.
Busey: (belches juicily)
Jackson: Oh, Gary Gary Gary. We’ve had some wild times, huh? You remember the first thing you ever said to me when I asked you to be my Vice President?
Busey: (nods) I said, “Why are you bailing me out? That’s my ex-wife’s job.”
Jackson: You said, “I believe that together, the two of us can change this country forever.”
Busey: (shakes his head) That wasn’t me.
Jackson: A lot of people were like, “Hey, why are you picking that washed-up actor to be your second-in-command? He doesn’t know anything about politics and he abuses drugs. In fact, he’s abusing drugs right now. Turn around. Look at him. He’s behind you, abusing drugs.” Or, “You just wanna hang out with a Hollywood movie star, that’s the only reason you picked Gary Busey. Plus, I heard he abuses drugs.” Or even, “Why don’t you pick Craig T. Nelson instead? He doesn’t abuse drugs and he played a coach once.” But I didn’t listen to them. Because I believed you could help me make this country a better place. And I knew that after I’m dead and gone from this terrible unnamed, undiagnosed disease I’m suffering from that you will carry on my legacy and lead this great nation to a new horizon; free of war, poverty and disharmony.
Busey: (abuses drugs)
(President Jackson is sitting on the back patio with Post reporter Jessica Sanchez, casually discussing world politics..)
Jackson: So whenever I’m in a strange supermarket I haven’t been in before and I spot the chip aisle, I like to yell, “Chips, ahoy!” Of course then I’m usually pointed towards the cookie aisle. But sometimes the chip aisle and the cookie aisle are the same aisle.
Jackson: So I can get chips and cookies.
Sanchez: Mr. President, what the hell are you talking about?
Jackson: Jessica, I brought you here today because I want you to have the scoop. I’m dy–
Chamberlain: (bursts out onto the patio and claps a hand over Holden’s mouth) Terribly sorry, Ms. Sanchez. But an urgent matter has come up. If you’ll please excuse us.
(Wilbur drags Holden back inside before removing his hand..)
Jackson: Gross, Wilby. You smell like fish. I was about to unleash a bombshell on Jessica Sanchez. Figuratively and literally.
Chamberlain: Probably just figuratively. Anyway, no matter. It seems Vice President Busey has taken your little scheme at face value and expects to soon be named President of the United States.
Jackson: That’s fine. I child-proofed the desk.
Chamberlain: Mr. President, he’s already begun giving executive orders.
Jackson: What? But that’s my job!
Chamberlain: Was your job, Mr. President. Was your job.
Jackson: (pointing) But you just called me “Mr. President” still!
Chamberlain: (grabbing Holden by the arm) Let’s go see what he’s done.
(Wilbur Chamberlain takes President Jackson down to the Situation Room, where they join a number of military types staring at a live feed from an Egyptian news network..)
Jackson: What are we watchin’, fellas? The Mummy Returns?
(On screen, the dust settles to reveal a pile of boulders..)
Chamberlain: President Busey has bombed the Sphinx.
Jackson: What? That was my idea!
Chamberlain: Archaeologists are in an uproar. The public is horrified. And no doubt, the Egyptian government will retaliate.
Jackson: Oh no! They’ll bomb our Sphinx! Which, of course, is the statue of Paul Bunyan and his trusty blue ox – Babe – in Bemidji, Minnesota.
Chamberlain: Let’s go see what else he’s done.
(Wilbur drags Holden out of the Situation Room and back upstairs, as he shakes his fist at the screen..)
Jackson: You’ll never take our Bunyan!
(Wilbur and Holden are on the front lawn, as a number of workers erect scaffolding around the White House..)
Jackson: What’s Gary doing now, adding on a sunroom? Because I’ve always felt–
Chamberlain: He’s painting the White House.
Jackson: (gasps) Oh no! What color?
Jackson: Nooo! That’s the color of boogers!
Chamberlain: President Busey doesn’t care. He loves boogers.
Jackson: He’s the grossest President ever!
Chamberlain: One last thing to show you.
Jackson: At least make it forest green, you monsters!
(From an upstairs office, Wilbur points down to the Rose Garden..)
Chamberlain: See there?
Jackson: What, Rodrigo? (hollering out the window) Rodrigo!
Rodrigo: (waves) Hola, señor.
Jackson: You cut those hedges any shorter and I’ll ship you back to Panama in a box!
Jackson: (turns to Wilbur) I don’t think he gets my humor. Cultural thing.
Chamberlain: Behind Rodrigo. It’s Gary and a friend of yours.
(Holden squints and sees Gary Busey and Jessica Sanchez walking hand-in-hand through the Garden..)
Jackson: (gasps so hard he hiccups/farts) That sonuvabitch.
Chamberlain: He stole your lady. The love of your life.
Jackson: (hollering out the window again, like an Italian grandmother) Gary, you bitch! Get your hands off her!
Busey: Can’t! I love her too much!
Jackson: Jessica! I thought you wouldn’t date a President.
Sanchez: I wouldn’t. But Gary’s irresistible. He was in Slap Shot 2! He swept me off my feet.
Busey: Literally! Hiya!
(Gary performs a roundhouse sideswipe kick and manages to take Jessica’s legs out from under her and she lands in a heap..)
Sanchez: Ow! Watch it, Gary. (glancing up at Holden) …my love.
Jackson: (eyes narrow) That’s it. I don’t wanna be Not President anymore. I wanna be President again.
Chamberlain: (sighs) Very well, sir. Sign this.
Jackson: (snatches the paper and begins scribbling) Dot the ‘i’..
Chamberlain: There’s no ‘i’ in your name, sir.
Jackson: President, dumbass. There, done.
Chamberlain: Very good. Welcome back, Mr. President.
Jackson: (straightens his tie) Thank you, Wilbur.. (hollering out the window yet again) There! Ya hear that, Jessica? How’s it feel to be dating a Vice President?
(That evening, Holden is back on the patio, sipping a Sam Adams and watching the workers re-paint the White House; when Jessica joins him..)
Sanchez: Crazy day, huh?
Sanchez: You wanna tell me more about what you do in strange supermarkets?
Sanchez: You know none of that stuff was real, right? Wilbur just wanted to show how worse off we’d all be without you as President.
Sanchez: The Sphinx is still there.
Jackson: I know. I had the President of Egypt send me a photo of it holding up today’s newspaper.
Sanchez: The White House will be white again by morning.
Jackson: Was kinda getting used to the green.
Sanchez: And I’m not really in love with Gary Busey, ’cause that would be really really gross.
Jackson: He does drool a lot..
Sanchez: You almost walked away from the most powerful position in the world for a girl. Don’t get me wrong, it was a sweet gesture; but really reckless. This is a gift you’ve been given, Holden. You have the rare chance to actually make changes. Big changes. Changes that matter. A chance like that only comes along every thousand lifetimes. There’s plenty of time for the other stuff later.
(Holden’s eyes light up and he tosses the empty bottle onto the lawn..)
Jackson: So…I’ve still got a shot.