Totally Radical Sportz!

New Mexico – Episode 1.03

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 09/28/2010

(The Lopezez Family is in the back of a Mayflower truck heading for greener pastures. Illegally. Destination: Mexico, Maine. Reason for Visit: The American Dream..)

Episode 1.03 – “Shreveport”

(The Mayflower is rumbling down I-20E through East Texas toward Louisiana, as the Lopezez Family and seven other illegal Mexican immigrants while away the time in the back. Miguel, the young man from Mexico City traveling with his girlfriend Sara, is showing Nina and Domingo a ring..)

Miguel: I plan on proposing to Sara today.

Nina: Aww. That’s wonderful, Miguel!

Domingo: (scrunches his nose)  You’re gonna propose to her in the back of a truck? What are you, an idiot?

Miguel: (frowns, lowers his head)

Nina: Don’t listen to him. I think it’s lovely. It will raise everybody’s spirits.

Miguel: I love her so much.

Domingo: Yeah, but you’re on a truck.

Miguel: I cannot help that I am 0n a truck. I am struck by the love. The love does not know I am on a truck.

Nina: Follow your heart, Miguel.

Domingo: But…truck.


(Towards the front of the Mayflower, Sara is braiding Maria’s hair..)

Sara: It’s just, ever since we got on this truck in Mexico City, he has been so distant.

Maria: Hard to pull off in such a confined space.

Sara: I think he has the feelings for another.

Maria: Who? There’s like ten people on this truck. You think he’s got a thing for Mickey?

Sara: I don’t know. I just feel that I am losing his love.

Maria: Well if that’s the case, there’s only one way to win him back.

Sara: What’s that?

Maria: Make him jealous.


(Domingo and Guadalupe are in the back of the truck tossing a bouncy ball back and forth..)

Domingo: Son, today I’m going to teach you about religion.

Guadalupe: Oh, brother.

Domingo: Now, son. In America, religion is a very important thing. Some might even say the most important. Some people’s entire lives revolve around religion. And you’re never ever EVER supposed to talk about it.

Guadalupe: If it’s so important, why can’t you talk about it?

Domingo: It’ll hurt people’s feelings.

Guadalupe: Well, for something you’re not supposed to talk about, they sure do talk about it a lot.

Domingo: Yeah, Americans aren’t very good at following their own rules.

Guadalupe: I don’t really get religion, Dad. Seems like it all just revolves around hating others.

Domingo: Well, luckily we’re Catholic; so we only have to worry about hating ourselves.


(Sara is fawning over Gordita, the mysterious drifter..)

Sara: (forced laughter)  Oh, Gordita! You’re so…mysterious!

Miguel: (walking over)  Sara, what are you doing with this man?

Sara: Oh, he is just telling me some hilarious tales from his days of… drifting.

Miguel: I do not like you speaking with this man!

Sara: (rubbing Gordita’s chest, as he remains silent and motionless)  What’s the matter, Miguel? Jealous?

Miguel: (eyes well up)  Yes!

(Miguel runs to the other side of the truck as Sara flashes Maria a thumbs up and a wink.)


Nina: (rubbing Miguel’s back)  I’m sure she meant nothing by it.

Miguel: No! It is over! She is with him now!

Nina: Oh, don’t say that.

Miguel: I have been publicly shamed in front of eleven of my countrymen!

Nina: Well, Pinta’s kinda slow. She probably didn’t pick up on anything. So really, it’s more like ten.

Maria: (sits down next to Miguel)  Maybe next time you won’t be so emotionally distant.

Miguel: What are you saying?

Nina: Maria Dopita Conchita Frito Lopezez, what did you do?

Maria: Sara thinks Miguel’s fallen out of love with her. So I told her to make him jealous to win him back.

Miguel: You did what?

Nina: Maria. Miguel was going to propose to Sara today.

Maria: Oop.

Miguel: I have done a terrible thing.

Pinta: (throws a diaper at Miguel’s face)  Poopy!


Guadalupe: What about those priests who have sex with little boys?

Domingo: What’s that now?

Guadalupe: Tomas, from back home, told me that Catholic priests have sex with little boys. I don’t wanna have sex with a priest. I don’t think I’m ready for that.

Domingo: Wow. I don’t think I’m ready for this conversation. Um, yes, Tomas is correct. There are some men in religious positions who enjoy the company of a younger companion.

Guadalupe: Why?

Domingo: I dunno. Maybe it’s a control issue. Maybe they were abused as children. Maybe the smaller hands make their dicks look bigger.

Guadalupe: Gross, Dad.

Domingo: But it’s not just the Catholics that are pervs. There are pedophile clergymen in Baptist churches, Lutheran churches, Presbyterian churches. Basically, there are pedophiles all over the place.

Guadalupe: You’re scaring me, Dad.

Domingo: Well, you brought it up! Regardless, you don’t have to worry about any of that.

Guadalupe: Why? Because I’m ugly?

Domingo: No. What? No, because we don’t actually go to church.

Guadalupe: But we’re Catholic. Aren’t we supposed to go to church, like, all the time?

Domingo: Yeah, if we were psychos. No, we’re not exactly devout Catholics.

Guadalupe: So how will we get into Heaven?

Domingo: Probably some sort of deathbed Hail Mary-type situation.

Guadalupe: What if this truck crashes and we all die abruptly?

Domingo: Jeez, morbid. I think if you just yell “Jesus Christ” really loud right before impact, you’re good.

Guadalupe: I think I’m gonna ask Mom.


(Nina and Maria are explaining the situation to Sara — everything but the planned proposal..)

Nina: It’s just that Miguel is under a lot of stress, worrying about his and your futures together. He loves you very much.

Miguel: This is true, Sara. I love you so very much.

(Sara smiles as Miguel clasps her hand..)

Maria: Sorry about putting those thoughts in your head, Sara. To be fair though, you were taking the relationship advice of a fifteen-year-old girl.

Sara: Yes. I guess I was just a little discombobbled. It’s okay.

Nina: And I believe Miguel has something else he wants to say to you. Miguel?

Miguel: Yes. Sara, I love you very much and I–

Domingo: (jumps in)  And he loves you very much! Let’s just leave it at that for now. Miguel, can I speak to you in private for a moment?

(Domingo takes Miguel aside..)

Domingo: What did I say about proposing on the truck?

Miguel: But my heart!

Domingo: Fuck your heart! Wait ’til tonight. Trust me. I got a plan.

Miguel: But what if this truck crashes before then and I never get the chance?

Domingo: What’s up with everybody and the truck crashes today?


(That evening, Mickey opens up the back doors and the immigrants pile out into a truck stop parking lot in Shreveport, Louisiana..)

Domingo: What a beautiful night. Miguel, why don’t you take Sara up on the roof of the truck. Get a good look at the stars. That okay with you, Mickey?

Mickey: Sure. Just use the ladder on the side there and be careful.

(Miguel and Sara climb up onto the roof as Domingo passes out lit candles to the rest of the Mexicans and starts singing..)

Domingo: ♪♪ Aweema-way, aweema-way, aweema-way, aweema-way.. ♪♪

Sara: (smiles up at the cloudless night Louisiana sky)  It’s beautiful. Why are they singing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” down there?

(She turns to find Miguel on one knee, holding out a ring..)

Miguel: Sara, will you–

Sara: (jumping up and down)  Yes yes yes!

(The Mexicans below cheer and Nina hugs Domingo..)

Nina: What a perfect night!

Domingo: Everybody, “Hakuna Matata!” Ah one, ah two, ah one two three four..

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