The New Adventures of Superheroman & Sidekickboy! Episode 1.01
Shapiro English is a salesman at linoleum floor giant, Blingoleum Inc. By day, he is a mild-mannered linoleum floor and accessories salesman; but by night he is Superheroman, a modern day urban gladiator and harbinger of all that is good and righteous. With the assistance of his faithful ward – Sidekickboy – Superheroman keeps the streets clean of the filth that is out to poison our gentle society.
Episode 1 – “Vice in a Vise”
(Shapiro English – aka Superheroman – is in his cubicle, poring over the expense report from last week’s business trip to Duluth when he is joined by his trusty sidekick, mailroom boy Nelson Rockley – aka Sidekickboy.)
Rockley: Mr. English, I thought you’d be interested in this news item.
English: (shoots up out of his desk chair) Gadzooks, Sidekic–er, Nelson. Corn futures are down twelve percent! What does this mean for the common corn farmer?
Rockley: (turns the paper over) No, the top story. The one in fifty-six-point font?
English: Gadzooks, Nelson! The Vice President has been kidnapped by environmental terrorists!
Rockley: (nods, waits expectantly)
English: (thrusts a finger into the air) To the latrine!
(In the one-person men’s room in the basement of the Klansky Building – of which Blingoleum Inc operates on the second floor – Shapiro and Nelson are shedding their office clothes to reveal their crime-fighting uniforms underneath..)
SHM: Those green bandits have just kidnapped the wrong Vice President.
SKB: They’ve actually kidnapped the only Vice President.
SHM: That too! Now where would a bunch of environment-lovers run to hide?
SKB: The woods?
SHM: Precisely, Sidekickboy. Now, can you drive this time? I was really low on gas coming in this morning.
(In the City Woods, Partridge Featherbird and his Earth Lover Force (ELF) cohorts have tied Vice President Samuel Hoboken to a large Redwood and have a potato gun trained on him..)
Featherbird: One false move and you get a face full of spuds, Hoboken.
Hoboken: Please, hippies! Don’t kill me! I’ll get you anything you want! Anything! You want weed? I’ll get you weed!
Featherbird: We don’t want weed!
(A large ELF member in the back raises his hand..)
ELF #1: I want weed.
Featherbird: We want you to pay for your crimes against Mother Earth.
Hoboken: (fiddles for his checkbook) Okay, will $100,000 do?
Featherbird: Your precious money will not save you now! The only way you can pay for the damages you’ve wrought is with blood!
Hoboken: Okay, how much are we talkin’? A pint? Two pints?
(Sidekickboy is veering his Taurus down a skinny back road while Superheroman yells at him from the passenger’s seat..)
SHM: We should’ve hit the woods by now, Sidekickboy!
SKB: We would have if you hadn’t insisted we take that “shortcut” through the industrial park.
SHM: How was I supposed to know there would be a job fair in the middle of a Monday afternoon?
SKB: Big banner that said ‘Job Fair’ is what tipped me off.
SHM: Milling about in the middle of an industrial park. Don’t those people have jobs?
SKB: That’s actually the definition of a job fair.
SHM: You missed the turn! Confound it, Sidekickboy!
SKB: It’s fine, we’ll just hang a U-ie.
SHM: That’s an illegal turn!
SKB: There’s nobody on this road.
SHM: We must hurry, before they turn the Vice President into compost!
SKB: That isn’t even possible.
Featherbird: We’re gonna turn you into compost, Mr. Vice President!
Hoboken: But that isn’t even possible!
Featherbird: Well, you just have all the answers; don’t you, Hoboken?
Hoboken: Maybe not all. Just most.
Featherbird: Well then, answer me this! Who was responsible for the oil tanker that ran aground near Walrus Harbor last August?
Hoboken: The drunk boat captain?
Featherbird: And who was responsible for the brushfire that swept through Sandy Flats last April?
Hoboken: That crazy arsonist?
Featherbird: And what about all those exploded pigeons in Valley Park last fall?
Hoboken: Those stupid teenagers that fed them rice.
Featherbird: Wrong on all counts! It was the United States government!
Hoboken: Oh, okay. You’re going in that direction with it.
Featherbird: And now that we have the second-most powerful man in the world at our disposal, the world will hear our cry!
Hoboken: Whoa, you have the Secretary of State out here too?
Cop: Alright. I’m gonna let you boys off with just a warning this time because you look ridiculous.
SHM: (leans over SKB) Thank you, officer of the law. You won’t regret this.
Cop: So, what is this? Like a fetishist thing, or–
SHM: We are superheroes. Ridding the world of danger one criminal at a time.
Cop: (nods) So it’s a fetishist thing.
SHM: (thrusts a finger in the air) And we’re off!
(Sidekickboy turns the key, the engine putters out and the car starts filling with smoke.)
SHM: (thrusts his finger further into the air) By foot!
Hoboken: Ahahaha! Stop tickling me! You animals!
(Featherbird comes back to find the Vice President being tickled by one of the ELF members..)
Featherbird: I said ‘torture’, not ‘tickle’! You…ninny!
Hoboken: Please! Anything you want, you can have. Just name it!
(Another ELF member points a video camera at the VP, Featherbird dons a mask and kneels down next to Hoboken..)
Featherbird: We want a confession.
(The ELF member from before raises his hand again..)
ELF #1: And weed, if that offer’s still on the table.
(Superheroman & Sidekickboy are trudging through the woods and Superheroman is sweating profusely in the summer heat..)
SHM: Today was not the day to wear extra leggings.
SKB: Maybe we can lose the costumes just this once. Do the mission–
SHM: Naked? Have you no shame, Sidekickboy?
SKB: No. I have our work clothes, if we just ran back to the car real quick.
SHM: The fate of the second-most powerful man in the world is in the balance and you want to turn back for a wardrobe change?
SKB: Whoa, they’re holding the Secretary of State hostage too?
SHM: Our disguises are an extension of ourselves. They allow us to lead our double lives, free from the glitz and glamour of a rock-and-roll celebrity lifestyle.
SKB: The only time you’ve ever been in the paper is when your cape got stuck in that revolving door.
SHM: Well, saving the Vice President from certain doom ought to change all that.
SKB: Can I at least lose my cowl?
Hoboken: (reading off a page of recycled paper) “And I apologize to the…trees of the world.” (sighs, turning to Featherbird) Seriously?
Featherbird: (takes the safety off the potato gun) Keep reading!
Hoboken: (shakes his head, turning the pages of his written confession) “And to the butterflies and dandelions – I am deeply sorry.”
Featherbird: Perfect. Now, to distribute this to all the national news agencies.
Hoboken: You really think they’re gonna air this crap?
Featherbird: They will after you turn up dead.
Hoboken: Whoa, you said I’d live if I cooperated. I cooperated!
Featherbird: Just think of it: The Vice President of the United States of Dontcareica takes his own life; distraught over the pollution he has wrought upon Mother Earth.
Hoboken: That doesn’t sound like me.
ELF #2: I didn’t sign up for this, Partridge.
ELF #1: Yeah, this is kinda harshing my buzz.
SHM: Then allow me to harsh that buzz further!
(Superheroman karate-chops the stoned ELF member on the top of the head, somehow knocking him out cold. Sidekickboy swoops in and kicks the other ELF member in the nuts..)
ELF #2: Hey! Not cool, man!
Featherbird: Good heavens! It’s… (squints at the “SHM” on Superheroman’s chest) …Shim?
SHM: I am Superheroman and this is my young ward, Sidekickboy. And we are here to save you, Mr. Vice President! Fear not!
Hoboken: Oh, jeez. Seriously?
Featherbird: (points at Superheroman and Sidekickboy, hollering) Seize them!
(Several ELF tepidly approach the superheroes – untrained in the ways of hand-to-hand combat – and are quickly dispatched with a flurry of karate chops and groin kicks. The ELF lay writhing on the ground as Superheroman clasps a retreating Partridge Featherbird by the shoulder..)
SHM: Time to take out the recycling.
(Superheroman knocks Featherbird out with one punch and slings him over his shoulder while Sidekickboy unties VP Hoboken..)
Hoboken: Thank you, boys. You’ve done a good deed here today.
SHM: We do a good deed every day, Mr. Vice President.
Hoboken: Now, if you don’t mind; I’d like to leave alone. Might raise some eyebrows if I came out of the woods with two guys in spandex.
(Back at Blingoleum Inc., Shapiro English has changed out of his Superheroman costume and back into his civilian work clothes and has been called into the office of his boss, Marcus DuPree..)
DuPree: English. Where the FUCK have you been? Shit’s been real real up in this office today!
English: Yes, sir. Sorry, sir. Did you happen to hear about the Vice President being rescued earlier today?
DuPree: I don’t give a FUCK about no Vice President. All I care about is movin’ this linoleum and gettin’ that cash scrilla.
English: Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.
DuPree: Now get your white ass the fuck outta my office.
English: Yes, sir. Right away, sir.
(Shapiro turns to leave when Marcus calls back to him..)
DuPree: Ay, English.
English: Yes, sir.
DuPree: What’s that red leggings pokin’ out the bottom of yo slacks. You on some freaky-deaky shit?
English: Oh, that’s from the…gym.
DuPree: You one weird mothafucka, English.
English: Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.