Nappy Brown’s Football Prognostications! Week 2
Nappy Brown’s Football Prognostications continue into Week Two and we’re still over here at TRS. Get yo shit together, Lowposts!
Wow, what a Week One it was! Fun was had by all, except for Chargers fans. And Jets fans. And Colts fans. And fans of et cetera!
Once again, my good friend and life partner (Oops, cat’s out of the bag!) Stephen Stills (Italics!) and I will trade off picks. You go first, Steve!
Let’s get to those picks before they pick themselves!
Cardinals (+7) over Falcons – The Battle of the Birds! Why are there so many teams named after birds? Who likes birds? There should be more teams named after Vietnam veterans. The Arizona Rambos. Or the New England Kerrys. (Kerries?) Support your vets! And buy Crosby, Stills, Nash (and sometimes) Young albums. Even though we didn’t always support our vets. I need money!
Ravens (-3) over Bengals – Ray Lewis committed murder once. Hey, look at him dance!
Chiefs (+2) over Browns – The Kansas City Chiefs are America’s Team now, I think. I did a show with Graham Nash in Kansas City in late ’72. All I remember is a hooker lying motionless on our hotel bathroom floor, covered in Kansas City’s famous thick and hearty barbecue sauce.
Cowboys (-8) over Bears –That Keith Brooking sure does know how to fire people up! I’m getting ants in my pants just thinking about it. Something about having a situation on your hands in somebody else’s house. And bleeding all over each other.
Eagles (-6) over Lions –Kevin Kolb’s concussion might keep him out of this one. Not sure why. I got a concussion once and I’m perfectly pretzels.
Packers (-14) over Bills – Aw, this game’s boring. Time for a Nappy Brown solo break!
Titans (-6) over Steelers – If Nappy Brown can pimp his tripe, I can pimp mine too. Everybody go out and buy yourself a nice jar of Stephen Stills Moonshine. It’ll tear the pubic hairs out of your scrotum by the roots! And it might kinda taste like ’em too!
Vikings (-6) over Dolphins – I fucked a dolphin once. Let’s move on!
Panthers (-4) over Buccaneers – It’s the Nappy/Stills Bowl! Nappy’s hometown Panthers against my hometown Bucs. The winner? Whoever gets kicked out of the stadium for drunken disobedience first.
Seahawks (+4) over Broncos – Pete Carroll’s transition from college back to the pros has been flawless, so far. Probably all that extra time he gets to work on coaching and not paying his players. Rules violations!
Rams (+4) over Raiders – I remember when I was twenty-two and had the world at my fingertips like Sam Bradford. Buffalo Springfield had just released its second album and they had me in the record listings on “organ.” Let’s just say it wasn’t of the “pipe” variety. (It was a Hammond.)
Patriots (-3) over Jets – That Dustin Keller must still be shook up over the Ray Lewis hit and his subsequent mistake running out of bounds on fourth down. Buck up, Young Dusty! I’ve had my fair share of public embarrassments as well, and I turned out just fine!
Jaguars (+7) over Chargers – Can the Chargers bounce back from the shaming they received in Kansas City on Monday night? Can the Jaguars continue their miraculous undefeated season? Can blood come out of Indian headdresses? Seriously.
Texans (-3) over Redskins – Two surprising upsetting upstarts! I like the Texans to continue their streak. Nappy don’t trust anything this tan:
Colts (-6) over Giants – Brothers do battle on Sunday night. This is just like the Civil War. Sure could go for some hardtack right about now.
Saints (-6) over 49ers – Poor Reggie Bush. The white man’s always gonna try to keep you down! But look at it this way, Reg: You got paid to play semi-professional football, not go to class and have unprotected sex with dozens of young white girls! Sounds like somebody was using their “Daily Trojan!”
Good luck to all the teams and I hope none of you get debilitating neck injuries that render you lifeless from the neck down! Especially you, Reggie Bush!
Last Week: 7-7-2