Nappy Brown’s Football Prognostications! Week 1
Nappy Brown’s back for his weekly football picks. He’ll return to Lowposts.com eventually (technical difficulties), but for now let’s take it down to the field where Nappy’s ready to prognosticate!
Great googly moogly, I’m back!
Nappy spent his summer crooning on a cruise ship through Southeast Asia. Best Polynesian Sex Tour I’ve ever been a part of. Let’s just say, Nappy now knows another meaning for “Peking Duck”.
This week, my buddy Stephen Stills and I are gonna trade off picks [Stephen in Italics!]; sharing our thoughts on the coming season and probably sharing a couple laughs along the way. Join us, won’t you?
Saints (-6) over Vikings – The first back-to-back champs in six years? Think of all that’s happened in the last six years! Babies were born! Wars were lost! Alan Thicke died!
Dolphins (-3) over Bills – I had a helluva summer, as well. Went on that sex boat with Nappy.
You were there? I didn’t see you in the band.
There was a band?
Lions (+7) over Bears –This game’s gonna be more exciting than a bag of Relaxable Squeeze Apples!
Titans (-7) over Raiders – The Titans are everybody’s dark horse pick to surprise in the AFC this year. We had a dark horse on our ranch in Gainesville when I was a kid. We filmed many a bestiality-snuff film with that old stallion.
Bengals (+5) over Patriots – The Patriots are Triscuits. The Bengals are Wheat Thins. I think we know which side America is on.
Giants (-7) over Panthers – Never much cared for New York. If I wanted to be accosted by a Puerto Rican in a subway car, I’d…something something racial slur.
Falcons (+3) over Steelers – Ben Roethlisberger thinks he’s a rapist. Nappy’ll show you a rapist!
Browns (+3) over Buccaneers – My Tampa Bay Buccaneers are in for another long season. You know who else is in for a long season? Something something your mom’s vagina.
Jaguars (-3) over Broncos – The Soon-To-Be Los Angeles Jaguars! Nappy’s AFC Sleeper Pick of 2010! They got a guy named MoJo! He’s like FloJo, but with less testosterone.
Colts (-3) over Texans – The Colts are still the incumbents in the AFC. On a related note, we had a raccoon get up into our chimney this summer. Died, started rotting, finally deteriorated and fell back into the fireplace just in time for the Fourth. Long story short, Coon Dogs.
Cardinals (-4) over Rams – No more Kurt Warner. Now Tim Tebow’s got to carry the Christerback torch. Hope he’s up to the challenge. The power of a million burning Qurans will be behind every throw.
Packers (+3) over Eagles – Hah! Packers. Because butt sex.
49ers (+3) over Seahawks – The 49ers are my NFC Sleeper Pick of 2010. Jaguars/Niners Super Bowl? Probably not!
Cowboys (-4) over Redskins – The classic battle between cowboys and indians. Are you supposed to put a capital ‘I’ on indians? They’re not from India. I’ll have to ask the proprietor of my local liquor store, Cherokee Jack.
Ravens (+3) over Jets – This could be a preview of the AFC Championship on Monday Night. Nappy Brown was offered Hank Williams Sr.’s MNF job in the early eighties, but I was so blowed out on the goofballs back then I ended up singin’ the Full House theme song instead. Too bad they never used it..
Chargers (-5) over Chiefs – The last game of the slate for Week One features, I dunno, some crappy team against some other crappy team. You guys see that Double Rainbow video? I haven’t laughed that hard since 9/11. (It was completely unrelated to the terrible attacks; somebody just told me a really funny Polack joke on 9/11.)
And Nappy Brown’s Preseason Super Bowl Prediction: San Diego Chargers over the New Orleans Saints.
Good to see that city have a parade after all the tragedy they’ve faced over the past five years.
Well, there’s Week One in a nutshell for you. I’d like to thank my good friend Stephen Stills for helping ‘Ol Nappy out today, but he’s passed out. Tune in next week, when (hopefully) Lowposts will let us back in to play. I left my wallet in their offices!