George Washington: Time Traveler – Episode 1.02
Episode 102 – “The Haitian”
In the future, General George Washington – our first and most badass President – has been brought back to life using cloned DNA preserved from his wooden dentures. Now he must travel back to the past (with the help of his trusty midget sidekick, James Madison) to stop the New World Order from coming to fruition..
(Gen. George Washington and his loyal sidekick – former President James Madison – are bobbing in the Caribbean Sea on a rinky-dink raft made of old plastic Cuban soda bottles as a wall of fire rises up out of the water behind them, surrounding the island-nation of Cuba..)
Madison: Too bad about Castro.
Washington: His demise was unfortunate. But he at least pointed us in the right direction. Haiti.
Madison: So do you really think it was Lincoln who shot him?
Washington: That hat is unmistakable. It could be no one else.
Madison: I didn’t even know our guys cloned Lincoln. I thought it was just you and me.
Washington: There are many organizations getting into the historical cloning business back in our time. I had heard that The Pelican Group was developing a Lincoln clone; but I was unaware that it was yet operational. They must have accelerated the project once they heard about us.
Madison: So, he’s like…gonna kill us or somethin’?
Washington: I am not yet sure what his mission is. But it is clear to me that we will cross paths again.
(James Madison frowns down at the gently rippling ocean waters..)
Madison: I don’t trust tall people.
(Washington glances over at Madison curiously and paddles onward.)
(Early the following morning, the two men wash ashore on the island of Haiti and collapse of exhaustion on the beach. Madison kicks off his tiny boots..)
Madison: My dogs are barkin‘!
Washington: (turns over on his side) What are you tired about? I was the one doing all the paddling.
Madison: (raises his arms) I got these little hands! What was I supposed to use – a toothbrush?
Washington: (adjusts his wooden teeth) What’s a toothbrush?
Madison: It’s something people without a British heritage use to–
(Out of the bushes leaps a man in a grass skirt and face paint, pointing a spear at the former Presidents..)
Warrior: You there! Lower your weapons!
(Washington drops his oar. Madison looks around, shrugs and drops his boots.)
Warrior: Come with me! The Chief would like to speak with you.
(Washington raises his hands and follows the warrior..)
Washington: Stay calm, James.
Madison: Okay, George. But if he’s got a big pot with carrots and potatoes simmering in it, I’m runnin’ like Hell.
(The Presidents are led to a vast jungle clearing populated by huts; and in the center, a large bonfire being circled by frantically dancing villagers. In a tall throne in the center of the circle sits an older man in a vibrantly colored headdress who beckons Washington and Madison forth..)
Madison: (shakes his head as they approach) This is so racist.
(The dancing stops and the old man bows, holding out his hand..)
Chief: My name is Chief Buku. I would like to welcome you to our village.
Madison: (thrusts a teensy accusing finger at the Chief) You’re not gonna shrink my head, are you?
Chief: (grins) I’m afraid somebody else has already beaten me to it.
(The villagers laugh and applaud their leader. The warrior who led them to the village stomps his spear into the dirt..)
Warrior: Buku with the zinger!
Chief: (frowns) Silence, Mubaku!
Washington: We have been sent here by a man named Fidel. Do you know him?
Chief: Fidel? Of course I do! How is that old sonuvabitch?
Madison: He’s dead.
Chief: (chuckles) That’s just like old Fidel.
Washington: (raises an eyebrow) You do not seem concerned by death.
Chief: That’s because, my friend, in Haiti there is no death. Here, let me show you.
(Chief Buku motions Mubaku and another warrior over and they escort George and James out of the village, down a ravine and into a large valley where hundreds of men stand motionless in a field..)
Madison: (looks around) What’s all this?
Chief: (holds out his arms proudly) This is our army. And this is why we do not fear death.
Madison: Army’s not that big.
Chief: It’s not the size of the army that matters, my pygmy friend.
Madison: Pygmy. Haven’t heard that one before.
Washington: What is so special about this army, Chief?
(The Chief pulls out a whistle, blows on it and emits a pitch higher than a dog whistle. With one fell swoop, the entire field of men swivels around and comes sprinting toward them..)
Madison: (curls into fetal position)
Washington: (strikes a karate stance)
(When the soldiers are mere yards away, Buku blows the whistle again and they stop dead in their tracks. Chief Buku proceeds to pull out a pistol and, before Washington can stop him, empties a clip into the stomach of the soldier nearest him, who does not flinch..)
Washington: What in blue blazes? These men are…already dead!
Chief: (nods contently)
Madison: (shrieks) Aaah, zombies! (goes scampering off into the jungle)
Washington: How did you do it? This shouldn’t even be scientifically possible.
(Washington glances down at his XE-47 Interocetor and clarifies..)
Washington: By today’s standards, of course.
Chief: The dead are given an elixir. A recipe that has been passed down through the ages. Don’t you ever wonder why nobody has ever invaded Haiti?
Washington: (shrugs) I just thought it was because you guys didn’t have anything cool to take.
Chief: It is because of our Haitian voodoo zombie army.
Washington: (nods) That makes more sense.
(Deep in the dark Haitian jungle, petite President James Madison has managed to get himself thoroughly lost. He sees a red flash off to his right and a tall man begins to race through the underbrush. Madison scurries after him, but after a few meters he is unable to keep up with the man’s long gait. He stops and keels over to catch his breath..)
Madison: Woo, gotta cut back on the bread pudding.
(Hours later, James Madison has rejoined George Washington, Chief Buku and the rest back in the village where the women are preparing dinner. James tugs on Gen. Washington’s pantaloons..)
Madison: Hey, George. Can I have a word?
Washington: Will you excuse me for a moment, Chief?
Chief: Of course, take time out for your son.
Madison: (thrusts another finger at the Chief) I’m a grown man!
(The two Presidents hurry off to a private corner of the village..)
Washington: James, their technology is light years ahead of modern science. They’ve managed to raise the dead! Do you know what this means?
Madison: Yeah, that’s great. Zombies. Listen, I think I ran into our friend from Cuba.
Washington: Fidel? He’s dead, James.
Madison: No, the one with the hat.
Washington: Lincoln? Here in Haiti? But that would mean–
Madison: Yup. He time-jumped us.
Washington: No, that’s not what that would mean. We took a raft here.
Madison: Oh yeah. Then how in the heck did he get here?
Washington: He must have been using an XE-47 Interocetor Locator device.
Madison: They make those?
Washington: The Pelican Group can be very resourceful.
Madison: Well, that sucks.
Chief: Gentlemen, come quick!
(Washington and Madison race to the Chief’s hut where the Chief is holding an empty human skull..)
Chief: The voodoo zombie elixir. It’s been stolen!
Madison: You keep it in a skull? That’s so badass.
Washington: I believe I know who stole your elixir, Buku.
Washington: An old friend. Have you revealed this secret to anyone else recently? Any potential buyers?
Chief: There was an Italian man about a week ago. He wanted to purchase some of the elixir to bring his dead grandmother back.
Washington: How much did he want to purchase?
Chief: About 50,000 vials.
Madison: Big grandmother.
Washington: Did this Italian man have a name?
Madison: Well, that’ll narrow it down.
Washington: Looks like we’re head to Italy, James. If I can get this damned XE-47 Interocetor working again.
Madison: Still waterlogged from the raft trip?
Washington: (nods, shaking the Interocetor)
(Off to the west of the village, a stovepipe hat rises up out of the bushes and Lincoln smiles, holding the Chief’s zombie army whistle..)
Lincoln: (sassily) Time for a snack.
(The village is being ripped apart by the voodoo zombie army and villagers are dropping like flies as the zombies feast on the brains of the innocent. George Washington and James Madison are pinned against a hut in the far east corner of the village, armed only with some misplaced spears..)
Madison: Sure am thinkin’ about that glock right about now!
(A zombie’s decapitated head is thrown into George’s lap and starts snapping at him as he kicks it away..)
Washington: This has Lincoln’s name all over it. He was probably sent here by the Italian to retrieve the elixir and eliminate all witnesses. Typical Pelican Group operation.
Madison: (pokes a zombie in the butt with his spear) I hate The Pelican Group!
Washington: I think I’ve almost got the Interocetor working. What are the coordinates for Italy?
Madison: 40°49′N, 14°26′E
(George plugs in the numbers and the XE-47 Interocetor zaps a swirling blue portal…clear on the other side of the village..)
Madison: Great aim, Jerk Washington.
Washington: It’s an inexact science!
Madison: Follow my lead.
(Madison scurries off and is immediately lost in the sea of zombie legs. George gives chase, spearing multiple zombies along the way. He finishes with a somersaulting ninja leap, sticking zombies on both sides of his spear and ripping their heads off before disappearing into the swirling blue portal. As the portal is a bit off the ground, James Madison has to climb up a zombie’s back and leap off his head..)
Madison: (hollering back behind him) See you in Hell, voodoo zombie army! (faintly, from inside the teleportation portal) Ooh, good band name!
TO BE CONTINUED…